Giving family member money for Uni fees

lufties

So I have a sibling who is in university, and relies on the folks to pay his uni/living fees every month..Pressure is being put on me to give money every month by another sibling to 'help out', (im not rolling in it myself), its a bit of a moral dilemma as i would help any family member in need, but not one that wont/cant find a part time job.

Ursus Horribilis

I assume if it's just a general discussion, the mods will be along to close it.

If it's advice you're looking for, then I say you should stick to your guns and say you don't have the money. Lending money to family is something that can get very messy. You've already got misgivings so they'll only increase over time.

ted1

Are they going to college in Ireland?
Are they in receipt of a grant? Have they tried to get a job?
Before I'd help anyone out I'd ensure that they tried helping themselves.

Sunny Dayz

The cost of going to uni or college has increased dramatically in the last 10 years since I left college. My sister has just finished her course and fees and accommodation cost my parents quite a lot compared to my time. Luckily my parents were in a position to afford it. However in my husband's family many of them did not go to college as they couldn't afford to, and his younger siblings have completed college but only with the help of my other half and his siblings who were working, plus the grant. They wouldn't have completed college and be in the jobs they have today if their family didn't help them out...
Plus part-time jobs aren't as easy to come by nowadays that can be worked around college hours.
Perhaps yourself and your sibling(s) should speak to your parents and offer assistance in relation to the college fees if it is required.

Dial Hard

lufties wrote: »

So I have a sibling who is in university, and relies on the folks to pay his uni/living fees every month..Pressure is being put on me to give money every month by another sibling to 'help out'

Is this other sibling helping out themselves?

CaraMay

Did your parents pay for you to go through college?

njs030

CaraMay wrote: »

Did your parents pay for you to go through college?

This is exactly what I was going to ask. If so the reason you have your job and current lifestyle is because of them supporting you- why shouldn't your younger sibling have the same opportunities?

Maybe you should look at it as helping your parents who supported you rather than your sibling.

woodchuck

I think it would be nice to help your parents out financially with this if you can, but it's also not your responsibility to put your sister through college. I think it depends on a lot of things:
- What is your parents financial situation like?
- What is your own financial situation like?
- Is your sibling that's in college realistically in a position to get a part time job? (I know when I was in college the hours were very intense, so it may depend on the course and how many hours he needs to put in)

Also, why is your other sibling sticking their nose in?? It seems very strange that he/she is putting pressure on you. Is he/she contributing financially to your siblings education?

5rtytry56

I experienced a situation vaguely like this in some ways a good many years ago. It did'nt concern money, the crux of it was my project partner's commitment in the course. This was a Diploma Year, 3rd year:

• My partner had a 2 week holiday booked straight through full term in the first symester, September to December. I advised him not to take the holiday - He took the holiday regardless.
• He submitted assignments just in the nick time, as well as late.
• He did'nt mind at all about what the rest of the class thought of us (we were the dreggs)

OP, have a "casual" chitchat and see what he feels the rest of the class think of him, as well as the lecturers. Try and broach this by asking how he thinks of them first.

valoren

If you're not rolling in it yourself as you mentioned then there is no reason for you to pay someone else's expenses.

If you loan money for the fees, then tell them that you will be getting a solicitors letter arranged for an agreed repayment. You will keep documentation showing the transfer of funds etc as proof of payment.
If they have a problem with that then they get no money.

If that seems a bit, well, extreme, then simply give them the money, but you must be prepared to never see a single cent of it again or risk a falling out if you insist on repayment.

I have personal experience with this myself. My younger brother got married 4 years ago. He needed to settle the hotel reception bill for about 3 grand, he was going to get a loan for it but the wedding was in 2 days. In my generosity (like you, helping family if necessary), I offered to give him the 3 grand. He took it and promised to go and get the loan when he came back from honeymoon. This all culminated with him throwing a cheque for 3 grand at my feet while calling me every name under the sun, 4 years later. We don't speak anymore.

Zaph

lufties wrote: »

i would help any family member in need, but not one that wont/cant find a part time job.

There's a difference between won't find a job and can't find a job. If it's the former then there's not a chance I'd be contributing. I know that leaves the burden on your parents but there's no point in more of the family being taken for a ride. If it's the latter then I'd have a look to see if there's any way I could contribute, even as a once off, but in the knowledge that my own financial situation might means there's nothing I could do.

lufties

notjustsweet wrote: »

This is exactly what I was going to ask. If so the reason you have your job and current lifestyle is because of them supporting you- why shouldn't your younger sibling have the same opportunities?

Maybe you should look at it as helping your parents who supported you rather than your sibling.

No, i did an apprenticeship, thus went a different route.

lufties

Zaph wrote: »

There's a difference between won't find a job and can't find a job. If it's the former then there's not a chance I'd be contributing. I know that leaves the burden on your parents but there's no point in more of the family being taken for a ride. If it's the latter then I'd have a look to see if there's any way I could contribute, even as a once off, but in the knowledge that my own financial situation might means there's nothing I could do.

its a combination of laziness and no incentive to get a job the last few yrs as my folks were supporting him. Things have become tight and he has a few exams to repeat. Now the situation is no job and repeat exams.

CaraMay

So how long has he left in all? Maybe he needs to study harder than most so couldn't pass his exams and work?

lufties

CaraMay wrote: »

So how long has he left in all? Maybe he needs to study harder than most so couldn't pass his exams and work?

Well, one year after this semester. It's kind of a case of too little too late.

njs030

lufties wrote: »

Well, one year after this semester. It's kind of a case of too little too late.

Are your parents struggling?
My brother was similar- messed around, had to repeat exams and took 7 years to do a 4 year degree. In the end my dad told him it was the last year he was paying for and after that my brother would be on his own. He scraped a 2:2 and ended up working in a completely different field!! Maybe he needs an ultimatum- i.e if you don't pass the test first time we won't pay anymore.

If you can afford to help your parents it would only be for a year but only you know if you can afford it.

Murray007

If it's only for a year and they are struggling I would give what you can weekly or monthly and you should expect your other siblings to do the same. You should not expect or ask for it to be paid back. Family who support each other will tend to promote support when you need it and it may not be monetary support. its too easy to say the student is lazy not studying not getting a job etc

I struggled in college on the grant without any other family support and I would not wish that on anyone. They were dire times.

CaraMay

lufties wrote: »

Well, one year after this semester. It's kind of a case of too little too late.

Well I wouldn't see my parents stuck no matter what the money is for.

lufties

notjustsweet wrote: »

Are your parents struggling?
My brother was similar- messed around, had to repeat exams and took 7 years to do a 4 year degree. In the end my dad told him it was the last year he was paying for and after that my brother would be on his own. He scraped a 2:2 and ended up working in a completely different field!! Maybe he needs an ultimatum- i.e if you don't pass the test first time we won't pay anymore.

If you can afford to help your parents it would only be for a year but only you know if you can afford it.

Yeah but he has no incentive to work, he's struggled for the last few years failing exams constantly. Yes my folks are struggling. At the same time, I've my own Uni fees to pay in the uk nearly 5k a year for 3 years, that along with living in the UK on a mediocre salary. It would be a stretch, he's the youngest and needs to have an ultimatum, otherwise it would end up a money pit.

LegacyUser

If he is not working and he is being financially supported by your parents then how come he is failing his exams. Is he spending his time in the student bar as opposed to the library?
Or has he lost interest in the course and he doesn't have the balls to tell your parents its not for him?
If your parents are struggling and can't help him out financially anymore then maybe its time for them to cut the purse strings and let him decide for himself what he wants to do. He either wants the degree or he doesn't. At the end of the day he is an adult. If I were you I wouldn't be financially supporting somebody if they are messing around in college you could be throwing your money away.

El_Duderino 09

Can your brother get a student loan? I know it's not really done in Ireland but could he get a some finance to get him through the year?

Dee01

OP, your last few posts make it sound like you have already made your mind up not to help and you wanted validation from this thread. Apologies in advance if this is not the case.

If I was in your shoes, I would speak to your brother and ask him what the story is. I would tell him that I wanted him to get through college with a qualification. I'd let him know I was willing to help out, but only if he copped on.

If after the conversation I was happy that he wanted to continue with the course and he was going to put the hours in, I'd cough up the funds happily for him.

If he made it clear the course wasn't for him, I'd ask what he wanted and I'd talk to my folks and explain the situation.

There's no point throwing money at a situation of its not going to help in any way, so I would definitely be having a conversation with him about it.

lufties

Dee01 wrote: »

OP, your last few posts make it sound like you have already made your mind up not to help and you wanted validation from this thread.

If I was in your shoes, I would speak to your brother and ask him what the story is. I would tell him that I wanted him to get through college with and get his qualification and that I was willing to help out, but only if he copped on. If after the conversation I was happy that he wanted to continue with the course as he was going to put the hours in, I'd cough up the funds happily for him. If he made it clear the course wasn't for him, I'd ask what he wanted and I'd talk to my folks and explain the situation.

I appreciate the contribution. However i think living in the same country makes a difference(closer proximity). Living overseas involves sending cheques or being charged 20~30 euros on each bank transaction.Being the youngest in the family he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Its a harsh lesson but it needs to be learned. Also, im at the stage where im thinking of starting a family myself.

Dee01

lufties wrote: »

I appreciate the contribution. However i think living in the same country makes a difference(closer proximity). Living overseas involves sending cheques or being charged 20~30 euros on each bank transaction.Being the youngest in the family he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Its a harsh lesson but it needs to be learned. Also, im at the stage where im thinking of starting a family myself.

Sorry OP, I just edited my post slightly, but the gist is the same. You do sound like you have made your decision. It wouldn't be mine, but that's your choice. Good luck with starting your family.

lufties

lufties wrote: »

Pressure is being put on me to give money every month by another sibling to 'help out'

lufties wrote: »

its a combination of laziness and no incentive to get a job the last few yrs as my folks were supporting him

Is your brother even aware of the strain he's putting the family under? What can be apparent to some may not be to others, particularly a sibling which has been, for want of a better word, mollycoddled.

lufties wrote: »

Being the youngest in the family he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Its a harsh lesson but it needs to be learned

There are a few allusions to reasons why you can't contribute but this is probably the heart of the matter. If you believe what you're saying above then stand by it. Speak to the sibling who's putting you under pressure to contribute and explain why you can't and won't contribute. Speak to your parents about cutting the apron strings a bit. And speak to your younger sibling about pulling his weight.

lufties

lufties wrote: »

I appreciate the contribution. However i think living in the same country makes a difference(closer proximity). Living overseas involves sending cheques or being charged 20~30 euros on each bank transaction.Being the youngest in the family he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Its a harsh lesson but it needs to be learned. Also, im at the stage where im thinking of starting a family myself.

Not much help to your situation in general but why would you be paying 20 or 30 euros on each bank transaction. International money transfers between bank accounts are free or very close to it depending on the bank. If you are being asked for this sort of money it's time to change bank.

lufties

Leah Powerful Scalpel wrote: »

Not much help to your situation in general but why would you be paying 20 or 30 euros on each bank transaction. International money transfers between bank accounts are free or very close to it depending on the bank. If you are being asked for this sort of money it's time to change bank.

20 pounds is standard across all banks in the uk for int transfer as far as i know.

lufties

lufties wrote: »

20 pounds is standard across all banks in the uk for int transfer as far as i know.

Strange as I have family members who transfer money to Ireland regularly and don't think they would be doing it if it was costing that much. Usually UK banks are cheaper than Irish banks for stuff too and I know with BOI I can transfer to a UK account for free.

lufties

Leah Powerful Scalpel wrote: »

Strange as I have family members who transfer money to Ireland regularly and don't think they would be doing it if it was costing that much. Usually UK banks are cheaper than Irish banks for stuff too and I know with BOI I can transfer to a UK account for free.

the bank im with charge 20 pounds a transaction. other banks may be cheaper but its not free anymore. On the continent it is though AFAIK. Germany etc.

CaraMay

It's no where bear that dear. It's maybe 2.50.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

It's no where bear that dear. It's maybe 2.50.

It costs me £10 for every single international transaction with my bank. It rapidly adds up. £10 can get you far enough in the UK.

rainbowtrout

The bank charge for international transfer is hardly the crux of the matter.

OP, if I was in your position, I wouldn't pay. I'm a teacher and see plenty of past pupils pissing about in college repeating years,doing no work, changing courses, all funded by their parents. Obviously there can be genuine reasons sometimes, but you probably know your brother quite well anyway and it sounds like he's had it easy until now, college was funded for him and he hasn't done a lot of work while he's been there. I wouldn't be inclined to throw good money after bad.

If money is that tight, he should apply for a student loan, or he always has the option of taking a year out, working to earn some money and then completing his final year. If you are going to be left tight yourself or want to start saving for your future kids then I don't see why you should be left carrying the can.

5rtytry56

rainbowtrout wrote: »

The bank charge for international transfer is hardly the crux of the matter.

OP, if I was in your position, I wouldn't pay. I'm a teacher and see plenty of past pupils pissing about in college repeating years,doing no work, changing courses, all funded by their parents.

AKA "The Bank Of Mum & Dad"

LegacyUser

I can understand how you feel. The truth is you would not mind helping your sibling out but you know they have failed exams. Your parents are finding it harder to support him and your getting presure from you siblings to help pay towards this.

Could you say that in the future if your brother had a good job would he help you out if you fell on bad time?

I have a friend and about 15 years ago they had a younger sibling in college. They would often send them a letter with £20 or the odd £50. Now about 15 years later my friend has been out of work for over 2 years. Meanwhile the sibling who they helped out in college now has a good job. This sibling has never given them a cent despite knowing that my friend is unemployed and could do with some money.

The reality is that you have to pay your own living expenses and your trying to save money for your own future. I would tell your siblings you can't afford to this. I would also tell your brother that he needs to grow up, work hard and get his exams as it is not fair on your parents having to continue to pay for all his costs.

lufties

lady 2029 wrote: »

I can understand how you feel. The truth is you would not mind helping your sibling out but you know they have failed exams. Your parents are finding it harder to support him and your getting presure from you siblings to help pay towards this.

Could you say that in the future if your brother had a good job would he help you out if you fell on bad time?

I have a friend and about 15 years ago they had a younger sibling in college. They would often send them a letter with £20 or the odd £50. Now about 15 years later my friend has been out of work for over 2 years. Meanwhile the sibling who they helped out in college now has a good job. This sibling has never given them a cent despite knowing that my friend is unemployed and could do with some money.

The reality is that you have to pay your own living expenses and your trying to save money for your own future. I would tell your siblings you can't afford to this. I would also tell your brother that he needs to grow up, work hard and get his exams as it is not fair on your parents having to continue to pay for all his costs.

You've got it in one pretty much. My sibling is lazy basically, he's struggling with a basic degree and repeating exams right left and centre. I'm currently in full time employment, doing a masters part time,and doing well in exams. Its annoying,as being the oldest I feel obliged to help out the youngest, it may cause a family rift,but i need to stick to my guns.

Wompa1

As somebody who has become his families f'kin hole in the wall, I suggest that you not go down that road. I've started to just directly pay for essentials if asked e.g. Can we have 500. Why? It's for home heating oil. Ok, no, you can't. I'll order and pay for a delivery of oil instead.

If you give cash, it will just go towards something else and he'll come back asking for more again.

5rtytry56

lufties wrote: »

My sibling is lazy basically, he's struggling with a basic degree and repeating exams right left and centre.

aah. I knew somebody like that back in the day. he was the only one who needed to repeat 3rd year finals in my project team. there were only 2 of us.

Hunchback

Weekend jobs in a restaurant earning tips are fairly easy to by IMO and they usually offer flexibility coming up to exam time. I put in 35 hour weeks though out college and worked at the weekends and got a first class degree and won two scholarships because I was very VERY determined and I loved it. I think your sibling needs to help themselves first. My generosity would be coloured by their efforts to support themselves.

lufties

CKonetheonlyone wrote: »

Weekend jobs in a restaurant earning tips are fairly easy to by IMO and they usually offer flexibility coming up to exam time. I put in 35 hour weeks though out college and worked at the weekends and got a first class degree and won two scholarships because I was very VERY determined and I loved it. I think your sibling needs to help themselves first. My generosity would be coloured by their efforts to support themselves.

True enough..although it may depend on where you live..Dublin may offer more that the likes of waterford with regard to work.