Pregnancy, Dart, seat, manners...

earring

I don’t mean to moan here but where are all the manners, people? I am pregnant, I take the Dart to work every morning and I hardly ever get offered a seat. I am size 10 with a 22 week bump, ok it’s not like I am close to my due date yet but my bump is clearly visible and I wear tight tops. My back is in pain and it really bothers me how ignorant people are. They look at you and then they put their heads down and stare at their phones until they get off, making sure they don’t have to look at you again. I always used to offer my seat to an older or pregnant person before I got pregnant myself, I cannot believe people are this ignorant!

I also saw two women talking about my bump on the other day but they still didn’t get up and offer me a seat.

My only option is to start driving to work as I am not able to stand for 30 mins: my back gets so sore that I always start feeling dizzy before I get to Pearse...

pwurple

Ask for it. Nicely of course.

I got this on buses and in the hospital waiting rooms as well.

People don't always notice bumps, or they assume you're ok. Not everyone gets the back pain or hip pain.

Don't ask, don't get.

spottybananas

I was just about to say what pwurple said! Ask them, driving isn't your only option.

earring

I shouldn't have to ask. I am able to notice older and pregnant people, so should others. It's called manners. I would hate to open my mouth and ask for a seat in a quiet morning train. Darts don't have dedicated seats for pregnant people, that would make it a lot easier if they had.

Also, whether someone gets back pain or not, they should still be offered a seat if they are pregnant. What if the train suddenly stopped and I fell down, what would happen then...

I don't expect women or older people to give me their seats but I don't understand those young men, 25-35 years of age, traveling to work and allowing pregnant women to stand beside them...

Dolbert

earring wrote: »

I shouldn't have to ask. I am able to notice older and pregnant people, so should others. It's called manners. I would hate to open my mouth and ask for a seat in a quiet morning train. Darts don't have dedicated seats for pregnant people, that would make it a lot easier if they had.

Also, whether someone gets back pain or not, they should still be offered a seat if they are pregnant. What if the train suddenly stopped and I fell down, what would happen then...

I don't expect women or older people to give me their seats but I don't understand those young men, 25-35 years of age, traveling to work and allowing pregnant women to stand beside them...

Well you can either wait for them to get manners, or you can ask... your choice but you know which one will get results. On the odd day I have to get the train a set is rarely offered to me unfortunately, last week I had to get a young woman to move her bag(!) so I could sit down, which she did grudgingly :rolleyes: Some people are just árseholes, some people are afraid to offer on the off-chance you're not actually pregnant and they offend you! You can buy yellow 'baby on board' badges if you want to make it obvious, but really it's easier to just ask.

spottybananas

Yes sometimes people can be embarrassed to suggest giving up their seat, if they are in any way wondering if you might not be pregnant and they would offend you. You might be obviously pregnant to you but to others, particularly young men who are unfamiliar with pregnant shapes, they may be dreading possibly insulting someone.

My husband offered his seat to an older man on a bus recently, the man was maybe 68-70, and we weren't on a city/town road, it was a tourist area with a bus through basically woods, so standing was bumpy and shaky. The man nearly hissed his "No" at my husband and turned his back, when he was just trying to be polite. So you never know the reaction you'll get, just because you think someone looks like they might want a seat due to their age or a particular condition or injury they might actually be fine or be offended at the idea, so it's difficult to gauge. I'd ask if it was me.

xalot

Totally agree with you op, it's disgusting,though at 22 weeks it can be really hard to tell if someone is pregnant or just carrying a little extra weight.... I remember being 40 weeks pregnant (no denying there was a baby on board) and the only people who ever offered me a seat were young women. Men would really want to cop on.

I always give up my seat for an elderly person or a pregnant person.

pwurple

You would hate to open your mouth on a train? Come on now, time to grow some brass neck. Think of it as training for parenthood. What are you going to do when you need a seat to feed your baby... You'll have to ask.

You've got to woman-up and start asking for what you need, instead of getting offended when someone doesn't read your mind from across a crowded train. People are not being deliberately rude, they are just living their own lives. Reading their book, listening to the radio or music, thinking about work, whatever. Just ask nicely and it'll be fine.

contrary_mary

I commuted everyday up until 38 weeks and only got offered a seat once and that was an older lady (she insisted and i felt terrible). Now my bump wasn't big til the end but I am slim so in my mind I looked pregnant and not fat - but maybe others weren't so sure!

You will have to start asking if you need a seat

lazygal

I had a horrible experience when asking for a seat on a DART. I was 36 weeks pregnant and the weather was hot (last summer). On a crowded DART with a noticeable bump no one got up, and when I asked a young-ish guy if I could sit down he said he didn't care if I was pregnant and pretty much told me to get lost, and the others around me (men and women) studiously looked away or busied themselves with their phones. With the exhaustion and hormones I nearly cried and I didn't have room to move. I was only offered a seat once in two pregnancies, by a much older lady, and I got the DART to and from work every day.
OP I know people should know better but they don't. My consultant has kids and said no one offered her a seat either, and she regularly commuted by train.

Sligo1

Tbh I think the manners of a lot of the general public are disgusting! I will be teaching my kids "proper" manners and good etiquette when they are old enough to understand. I have already started with my 21 month old. Society really has a lot to learn! I would actually murder my kids if I saw them sitting back on their lovely comfy chair while any adult had to stand. Just like my parents taught me, I'd tell them to move their arse and offer their seat to the other person.

Thoie

A friend is 22 weeks pregnant at the moment, and while she's very aware of the size of her belly, anyone looking at her would think she just had a big dinner. She hasn't reached the "definitely pregnant, not just a bit pudgy" stage yet, even though she thinks everyone can tell immediately.

You also have no idea what is wrong with other people who are sitting. Up until a few years ago I would always stand for older people, pregnant people, new mothers. From looking at me now, nothing visible has changed, but I'm no longer able to stand for more than about 5 minutes.

As for what would happen you if the train stopped suddenly and you fell down? Pretty much the same thing that would happen to most people 99% of the time.

Don't stand around being a martyr. If you need a seat, ask. Out of curiousity, why don't you expect women to give you a seat?

Sligo1

Thoie wrote: »

A friend is 22 weeks pregnant at the moment, and while she's very aware of the size of her belly, anyone looking at her would think she just had a big dinner. She hasn't reached the "definitely pregnant, not just a bit pudgy" stage yet, even though she thinks everyone can tell immediately.

You also have no idea what is wrong with other people who are sitting. Up until a few years ago I would always stand for older people, pregnant people, new mothers. From looking at me now, nothing visible has changed, but I'm no longer able to stand for more than about 5 minutes.

As for what would happen you if the train stopped suddenly and you fell down? Pretty much the same thing that would happen to most people 99% of the time.

Don't stand around being a martyr. If you need a seat, ask. Out of curiousity, why don't you expect women to give you a seat?

I do agree that for example for a 22 week pregnant woman could be hard to tell and people may not want to insult (just incase she wasn't)...

However, if a pregnant woman fell they may do damage to or risk losing their baby (at the more severe end of the spectrum!). So IMO that would outweigh some young person getting a broken finger or the like. I'd take a broken arm before id wish anyone lose their baby or to put them at risk of this.

Obviously not everyone has a disability or be in a situation as yourself which I'm really sorry to hear btw... However, we are taking about not 1 person standing.. Prob out of 20 or 30 others... I'm sure one of these people must be well and able bodied to stand for a woman who is obviously pregnant or an elderly person.

Murray007

I met a girl recently that I used to go to school with. She had a tight t-shirt and leggins on and was obviously pregnant. I said congrats when is the baby due.

She was not pregnant

It will be a while before I risk making assumptions again. OP you know you are pregnant, others may not be sure.

who the fug

The transport body that runs things in Dublin should take a leaf out of London Underground and hand out these buttons



Have made life simpler all round

Skid X

earring wrote: »

I don't expect women or older people to give me their seats but I don't understand those young men, 25-35 years of age, traveling to work and allowing pregnant women to stand beside them...

Why wouldn't you expect a healthy young non pregnant woman to give up her seat? It's 2014, this should be about decency not chivalry.

I would generally offer my seat to someone who looks like they might need it, but it's not always that obvious if someone is pregnant (or just overweight).

havana

I rarely use the dart or bus but I'd be on the luas a lot. I've had a mixture of responses. At '30 weeks now I'm fairly obviously pregnant (a few belly rubs usually makes it obvious :-) )

I had one (younger) woman practically knock me over to get to a seat as it was vacated. I have had to stand quite a few times - usually I'm ok but in the evenings it can be very uncomfortable. One time I did have to say it to someone who was about to sit down because I was almost in tears with the pain in my pelvis.

I have been offered a seat quote a number of times though.

I am always conscious that not everyone may be in a position to offer their seat due to their own circumstances but I find it hard to accept that a whole luas carriage have some physical ailment!

Chattastrophe!

Offering a pregnant woman a seat is a nice courtesy, but honestly I don't think you should automatically expect to be offered a seat just because you're pregnant.

Pregnancy can lead to related debilitating conditions for some women (e.g. if they suffer from SPD or hyperemesis etc), but pregnancy in itself isn't an illness.

My commute, when pregnant, was maybe an hour in total each way (between walking/running and train/bus.) The time when I really badly needed a seat was at around 2-4 months pregnant, when my nausea was at its worst. Of course, I wasn't showing then, so if I was ill and needed a seat, I just explained to those in the priority area that I was feeling unwell and would anyone be willing to give me their seat. The other passengers were always lovely about it, and I was never refused.

When I was around 8-9 months pregnant (so, obviously showing!) I was completely comfortable standing - in fact, it got to the stage where I was more comfortable standing than sitting. I remember spending a three-hour train journey standing up reading my Kindle, at 39 weeks pregnant - I got some very funny looks! People kept offering me their seats, even though there were plenty of seats free - I was just more comfortable standing, because of the baby's position.

I still do offer my seat to pregnant women, but I don't see it as an obligation. It's a nice thing to do, but really, if a pregnant woman (or any woman, or man) needs a seat, it's up to them to verbalise this. Other commuters are lost in their own world of reading or music or whatever - they're not psychic!

earring wrote: »

Also, whether someone gets back pain or not, they should still be offered a seat if they are pregnant. What if the train suddenly stopped and I fell down, what would happen then...

What would happen then? Feck all, although you might want to consider an anti-D injection if your blood type is RhD negative. Otherwise, your baby is well-cushioned. What if someone offered you their seat, the train suddenly stopped, and they fell down and fractured their skull? You are pregnant, this doesn't automatically make you more fragile or precious than anyone else.

earring wrote: »

I don't expect women or older people to give me their seats but I don't understand those young men, 25-35 years of age, traveling to work and allowing pregnant women to stand beside them...

This is so sexist. Why on earth would you expect men to give you their seats, but not women? It makes no sense?!

SpaceTime

I was on the Tube in London recently and this woman got on and simply said : Pregnant Lady! Coming through!
Excuse me young man I think I need that seat more than you do! Thank you!

Brass neck sometimes might be needed. People can be off in their own world on the train.

ted1

earring wrote: »

I shouldn't have to ask. I am able to notice older and pregnant people, so should others. It's called manners. I would hate to open my mouth and ask for a seat in a quiet morning train. Darts don't have dedicated seats for pregnant people, that would make it a lot easier if they had.

Also, whether someone gets back pain or not, they should still be offered a seat if they are pregnant. What if the train suddenly stopped and I fell down, what would happen then...

I don't expect women or older people to give me their seats but I don't understand those young men, 25-35 years of age, traveling to work and allowing pregnant women to stand beside them...

Your pregnant not disabled. Plenty of women would take insult to being offered a seat because they are pregnant.

We are dammed if we do and dammed if we don't

LynnGrace

Dolbert wrote: »

Well you can either wait for them to get manners, or you can ask... your choice but you know which one will get results. On the odd day I have to get the train a set is rarely offered to me unfortunately, last week I had to get a young woman to move her bag(!) so I could sit down, which she did grudgingly :rolleyes: Some people are just árseholes, some people are afraid to offer on the off-chance you're not actually pregnant and they offend you! You can buy yellow 'baby on board' badges if you want to make it obvious, but really it's easier to just ask.

Believe me, she would move the bag quickly if you seemed to be about to sit on it . I can't stand people who do that, sigh, moan, as if they paid for a seat for the bag, while people are left standing.
OP, I would ask for a seat, if I needed it, in your situation. I have, more than once, offered my seat when I saw a pregnant woman standing, on a bus. Sometimes it was accepted, sometimes not, which is fine. I willingly give up my seat to an elderly person, or generally someone who needs it more than I do.

strandroad

Honestly, do ask. Anyone who has ever offered, or witnessed someone offer a seat to a pregnant woman who turned out to be overweight... will not do it easily again! Morto on both sides.
I'm a woman and I would absolutely give up my seat when asked but I would be very careful with offering it to pregnant looking women. It's much easier with the elderly or people on crutches.

Sligo1

LynnGrace wrote: »

Believe me, she would move the bag quickly if you seemed to be about to sit on it . I can't stand people who do that, sigh, moan, as if they paid for a seat for the bag, while people are left standing.
OP, I would ask for a seat, if I needed it, in your situation. I have, more than once, offered my seat when I saw a pregnant woman standing, on a bus. Sometimes it was accepted, sometimes not, which is fine. I willingly give up my seat to an elderly person, or generally someone who needs it more than I do.

See this is exactly it. It's graceful and courteous. You have obviously been well brought up. I really just don't see where common simple manners have disappeared in men AND women. I'm only 31 so not ancient by any means... And I can even see that in general, society is missing that little bit of grace and curtesy... I think the parents are to blame tbh...

I'm completely agree with posters explaining people might not want to offend if they are unsure If the woman is preggers... That would be understandable. More talking about in general, with for example an unmistakably pregnant lady or an elderly person or person on crutches etc...

SpaceTime

ted1 wrote: »

Your pregnant not disabled. Plenty of women would take insult to being offered a seat because they are pregnant.

We are dammed if we do and dammed if we don't

The biggest risk is when you offer a seat to someone who turns out not to be pregnant and also a bloke.

Dolbert

ted1 wrote: »

Your pregnant not disabled. Plenty of women would take insult to being offered a seat because they are pregnant.

We are dammed if we do and dammed if we don't

This is true however some pregnant women find it uncomfortable to stand for too long. I get pretty bad back pain from too much standing, which is why I don't hang about and just ask.

UCDVet

earring wrote: »

I shouldn't have to ask. I am able to notice older and pregnant people, so should others. It's called manners. I would hate to open my mouth and ask for a seat in a quiet morning train. Darts don't have dedicated seats for pregnant people, that would make it a lot easier if they had.

Also, whether someone gets back pain or not, they should still be offered a seat if they are pregnant. What if the train suddenly stopped and I fell down, what would happen then...

I don't expect women or older people to give me their seats but I don't understand those young men, 25-35 years of age, traveling to work and allowing pregnant women to stand beside them...

I'm not taking the piss here - but a lot of guys honestly aren't sure how to act any more. It used to be, if you offered to help a woman, you were a gentleman. Now, it's very tricky, and we might just be sexist. I used to hold doors for girls all the time, until one of my female friends was moaning about how she *hates* how guys hold doors for her. Same with a lot of stuff. I've had female coworkers complain when guys offer to help them move their heavy computer/monitor (we shuffle seats a lot) and then I've also had other female coworkers who get offended if you don't.

Generally speaking, I'll just keep my head down and mind my own business, until someone asks for help. It's not meant to be rude, it's just, if I'm going to offend someone, I'd rather put forth the least amount of effort to do so.

If a pregnant lady asked me for to give up my seat, I'd gladly do it. But I probably wouldn't bother to offer it; not because I don't want to, but I've had bad experiences in the past.

January

Ask for a seat. Simple as. You should have to ask. You're pregnant, you're not the first woman to be pregnant and you won't be the last. People get offended by the simplest things these days and I bet more than a few people have offered their seat to a pregnant woman before and been knocked back so they don't do it anymore.

Sorry for being blunt but it's nothing to do with manners, how do people know you're in pain if you don't tell them? Some pregnant women are perfectly fine standing.

lainycool

I agree with most and think you need to speak up if you want a seat just ask!
I'm pregnant myself but it bugs me sometimes that some pregnant women have this sense of entitlement!

Duckjob

40 something male here. I would always offer my seat for a woman when I'm not in any doubt she's pregnant. Have done it many times and gotten varied responses.

The problem is though, we are living in the grip of an obesity epidemic, and you're not always sure. Often you'll see a woman and think she could be pregnant, but she could also just be - well, fat - or she could be both.

If a women said she was pregnant I would always give my seat to her.

Split

Absolutely no offence intended here OP but their seems to be a sense of entitlement in your post that I find abhorrent .
As a mid 20's female with an unseen disability I also find it difficult to stand for 30 minutes however I would stand if no seats where available or on a bad day I would ask someone would they mind .

If I make the choice to keep my mouth shut , then I don't deserve a seat or to moan .

Also re falling - what if you fall on the steps of the bus ? the curb ? on a wet surface , at home ? Argument does not really stack up as their is a lot of opportunities to take a fall . You may get some soft tissue injury , fracture , internal injuries just as I would if I took the same fall - of course the baby may or may not be injured but that is a risk 24 hours a day and not just standing on a bus ride .

My sister is currently pregnant suffering a lot with nausea / vomiting and pain and would if necessary ask someone to please give up their seat.

dublinlady

I've had 2 babies and very uncomfortable pregnancies but I would rather stand in pain than ask someone if they would move seat - because how can I assume they don't have a physical disability or sickness which would mean it would cause then more discomfort! I just never presume...
So for me - if very sore I would start looking around to see if anyone looks interested in being sympathetic and engage them with pitiful looks to encourage them to offer their seat if they want to but that way I haven't asked them straight out so there's less pressure.... That's very subtle but honestly I do agree that it's a tricky area for men and women now a days for fear if causing insult. If I was that bad I'd sit on the floor and then someone would most likely offer.... But at least I wouldn't presume it first....
Plus I find the sitting after being offered a seat a little embarrassing... I hate attention!