None of my business or duty to warn?

LegacyUser

Following a few drinks, a friend admitted that she is trying for a baby with her new boyfriend who believes she is on birth control.

She doesn’t see anything wrong with this, and believes he will ‘man up’ and accept it when he learns she is pregnant.

I am probably closer to her boyfriend than I am to her. He is my little brother’s best friend, I’ve known him since he was a baby and he spends a lot of time around my home. He’s only 25 [behaves like he’s 18] and in no way interested in having kids.

She is 34 and feels this is her last chance. She always wanted a large family and has had her fertility tested earlier this year.
She minds newborn babies for a living, adores kids and previously worked in a fertility clinic for years. She has become obsessed with her ticking body clock recently.

We discussed it calmly that night and while the other girls present saw nothing wrong with her plans, I told her I felt it was wrong, that maybe she could look into a sperm donor if SHE wants a baby as I know that he doesn’t. I’ve often overheard him pass comment on other young men who are ‘trapped’, their lives ‘ruined’ by some ‘slut’.

She told me she thinks it’s totally wrong to bring a child into the world as a lone parent, that children need two parents present. She also disagrees with having a baby by someone you don’t know. And she couldn’t possibly afford to go down that route as she has a huge mortgage and is struggling to make payments.

He is from a very old fashioned well off background and I know his parents will disown him if he doesn’t make an effort to marry her if she gets pregnant. They’ve always been very vocal about this. She knows this too.

He treats her very poorly. Constantly stands her up to go drinking with the lads, typical young guy stuff, he outright refused to introduce her to his parents and friends because of the age gap and the fact he thought it was casual [told her this] but she went to his home of her own accord and introduced herself to his family and friends.

She has a good heart and has gone above and beyond making effort, never arrives empty handed when visiting, noted his mother’s favourite biscuits and makes sure to always have them with her. She's expressed interest in hobbies of his friends and spent a lot of money on gifts (gig tickets, cinema tickets for the entire group, rounds of drinks).

Previously several of her friends have told her she could do so much better than him, that he and his friends were taking advantage.

They only started seeing each other in the summer and she seems willing to put up with anything.

She’s prepared lovely meals for him, spent the entire day cooking on many occasions only to be stood up, and no word from him until the following day. She’s been dressed up for the cinema and waited and waited but he’s a no show. This is almost every weekend.

She has to drive an hour to his family home if she wants to visit him as he claims to not hear his phone ringing. She does all of the running as it is the only way she gets to see him.

I didn’t previously understand why she was willing to overlook all of these red flags but it seems she is hellbent on getting pregnant. She has assured him she is on birth control.

She thinks he will settle down once she is pregnant and change his ways.

Initially I felt very sorry for her but having thought about it the last few days, I’m now more angry and feeling bad for him. He is planning to go backpacking next summer with friends, he was very clear and blunt with her that he was not looking for a serious relationship in the early days but she is ignoring all of this and putting her own interests first.

I feel bad for him that he will be financially burdened for at least 18 years.

I remember my brother slagging him when he heard her age to watch himself, she’d be at that age where she’ll want to get pregnant, and he was very clear that he had made sure she knew this was not in his plans.

She has spoken in the past of his family background and their wealth and I have to question if this is a factor, and makes him more appealing than opting for an anonymous sperm donor?

Of course it’s up to him to use a condom also, and from the sounds of it he isn’t.

Half of me feels this is none of my business, it would be psycho for me to approach him and tell him to use a condom! But is it right for me to stand back and watch his life be altered/ruined by someone who is intentionally duping him? If someone did something like this to me, and others knew and didn't warn me, I'd be livid. I'd hate to see this happen to my brother and would never forgive if I found out other people knew and said nothing.

Any advice?

eviltwin

Normally I would be of the "stay out of it" school of thought but in a situation like this I would tell him. Its too big a thing to keep to yourself.

Obviously its for his protection as no one should be duped into having a child against their knowledge but also for hers, he doesn't sound like the kind to stick around ( although I could be wrong ) and for her own sake if she has a child she won't want to be left holding the baby.

I feel sorry for her that she feels her time is running out but that doesn't give her the right to use him as a sperm donor.

I think in your shoes I would tell him even if that meant ruining the friendship with her. I don't think I could forgive myself if she ended up pregnant and I know I could have done something about it.

CaraMay

Do tell him.

She is a nasty piece of work.

Santa Cruz

Well if he is stupid enough not to take responsibility for contraception, uses her when it suits him maybe they deserve each other and prevent two other innocents being pulled in to the scene. Best mind your own business

December2012

Normally I'd also say keep out of it.

But it sounds like both of them are playing each other around and to bring a baby into this will hurt both of them.

So I think you should say "something" but I've no idea what! You could be direct, or be subtle "hey I heard you and x are trying for a baby - wow!".

username123

Normally I'm inclined to think that people should stay out of other peoples relationships.

After all, it is his business to be responsible for contraception if he doesn't want a child. I know it's easy to say 'well he trusts what she has told him' but people trust and cheat each other every day and I have issues with outsiders to relationships appointing themselves the morality police.

In this particular situation, if you must interfere, I would say that you should address it to HER. She has already had a public conversation about her intentions with you and her friends. Tell her that if she doesn't come clean that you will tell him.

You will lose this friendship and possibly ruin her chances of having a child, as she will lose yet more time etc... These are the consequences of interfering.

Personally I would simply tell her what she is doing is wrong but not otherwise interfere because I believe that other peoples relationships are their own business.

freshpopcorn

I normally have the opinion that you should keep your nose out of other people's business.
In this case tough I would recommend telling him because if she does get pregnant this might effect the child in the future.

myshirt

It is up to this chap to play it safe as much as it is hers.

You can't be tapping some lady and ignore the possibility she may get pregnant.
Many women have 'deceived' men, it happens.
This is the nature of life.

I was acquainted with one lady who at that special moment wrapped her legs around me, clung on and shouted 'Be my baby's daddy!'

Needless to say, I only gave her a few more rattles and that was that.

This chap must learn. And not be afraid. A baby does not ruin or hamper anyones life. That's just greed.

Czarcasm

username123 wrote: »

You will lose this friendship and possibly ruin her chances of having a child, as she will lose yet more time etc... These are the consequences of interfering.

The OP isn't ruining her friend's chances of having a child at all, just ruining her chances of possibly having a child with this guy.


Doesn't sound like a bad idea either when not only is the guy completely unprepared for a child. I suspect the OP's friend knows what she's letting herself in for though, says one thing but knows well there's no potential relationship there, but doesn't care because she'll have what she really wants.

Personally I would simply tell her what she is doing is wrong but not otherwise interfere because I believe that other peoples relationships are their own business.

We interfere in people's relationships every day by offering advice here. Often they may not like the advice they hear, but if it causes them to pause and consider their actions any small bit, then that's no bad thing either.


My own advice would be to tell him OP, not just for his sake, or for her sake, but for the sake of any potential child that'd be burdened with that mess between the pair of them.

eviltwin

username123 wrote: »

You will lose this friendship and possibly ruin her chances of having a child, as she will lose yet more time etc... These are the consequences of interfering.

Personally I would simply tell her what she is doing is wrong but not otherwise interfere because I believe that other peoples relationships are their own business.

Do you really think her chance to be a mother outweighs his to have a say in it? I would say something if only for the baby who will be born into this craziness and who won't deserve two people like this for parents.

CaraMay

eviltwin wrote: »

Do you really think her chance to be a mother outweighs his to have a say in it? I would say something if only for the baby who will be born into this craziness and who won't deserve two people like this for parents.

Exactly - you don't want a child born into this unholy mess.

myshirt

CaraMay wrote: »

Exactly - you don't want a child born into this unholy mess.

Sher with that attitude, no children would be born at all.

How many children do you know that were born into this perfect paradigm of excellent circumstances?

If there is to be a child bourne out of this scenario, that child is entitled to a fair shake, come on.

freshpopcorn

myshirt wrote: »

Sher with that attitude, no children would be born at all.

How many children do you know that were born into this perfect paradigm of excellent circumstances?

If there is to be a child bourne out of this scenario, that child is entitled to a fair shake, come on.

Things sometime happen by accident and sometimes children are planned but I don't think it's a good idea to bring a child into the world where the mother lied to her partner about using birth control.

iusedtoknow

better a broken relationship than a child brought into this sort of relationship

I would tell him. As I guy, I would rather know this than feel hoodwinked by this sort of thing.

CaraMay

myshirt wrote: »

Sher with that attitude, no children would be born at all.

How many children do you know that were born into this perfect paradigm of excellent circumstances?
.

Plenty.

myotherself

It is absolutely insane to bring a child into a "relationship" that's as unsecure as that. There's a huge age gap between them, not just physically, but emotionally, by the way you're describing him (25 going on 18) and this is not the best way for your friend to try and make him mature.

The big thing that stands out to me to is the fact that he thinks she's using birth control. There is a huge difference between a couple having sex without a condom and he's thinking "we'll risk it this once/whatever" and a couple who are having sex where he's thinking "she's on the pill".

A child doesn't have to have two parents. But when a woman decides she wants to get pregnant, the father to be deserves to included in that decision. This is not just a baby, this is the rest of her life (and ergo, his) that she is trying to decide. That is completely unfair.

As another poster said, tell her that if she doesn't tell him, you will.

strandroad

Is your brother reasonable? Perhaps your brother could tell him "I heard that X is really desperate for a baby. I hope you're using condoms, because she'll definitely want to keep it if you have an accident".

The Corinthian

whatshouldido wrote: »

Following a few drinks, a friend admitted that she is trying for a baby with her new boyfriend who believes she is on birth control.

She doesn’t see anything wrong with this, and believes he will ‘man up’ and accept it when he learns she is pregnant.

Like eviltwin, I'd would also be of the "stay out of it" school of thought, but this is just a car crash waiting to happen. He's clearly immature and selfish, but at 25 he has a bit more more excuse then her immature and selfish behaviour at 34.

Her plan is naieve in the extreme; he's unlikely to 'man up' or whatever fairy tale she's constructed for herself, should she fall pregnant. It's also more than likely that he'll either figure out or come to suspect that this was her plan all along (she was indiscreet enough to tell you, so how many others do you think already know?). And then it'll get nasty - him resentful at being trapped, her and his refusal to go along with her plan - all with a young child in the middle who has to pay the price for his or her parents' selfishness.

So, tell him.

Of course it’s up to him to use a condom also, and from the sounds of it he isn’t.

It's not unreasonable for him not to do so. He's in a relationship where his partner is administering the contraception (the pill, I presume). So unless you want to suggest that we should all live in a bubble of paranoia, never trusting the people we're in a relationship with, then you can hardly blame him. At least on that score; from your description, you probably could blame him for many other things.

Big Bag of Chips

I think she knows she'll be a single mother, but this way she'll be a single mother from a failed relationship, rather than a single mother from a sperm donor. Which, in her mind, is probably more respectable. And him coming from a few bob won't hurt either!

She's obviously not keeping her "plan" a secret, if she has discussed it so openly with you (knowing you know him well) and her other friends - so I think that makes it a bit easier for you to drop it into conversation, with either him or your brother.

Stavro Mueller

mhge wrote: »

Is your brother reasonable? Perhaps your brother could tell him "I heard that X is really desperate for a baby. I hope you're using condoms, because she'll definitely want to keep it if you have an accident".

This may be the way to go. After all, you're not the only person who heard what she said at the time. Or would one of your other friends know him well enough to have a word?

username123

eviltwin wrote: »

Do you really think her chance to be a mother outweighs his to have a say in it? I would say something if only for the baby who will be born into this craziness and who won't deserve two people like this for parents.

No. I'm just stating a fact. She is 34. Her fertility is on the decline from 35 onwards. If she tries for a child with a new partner she will lose more time in finding a partner, developing a relationship etc. I've seen enough friends try and try and fail past 35.

I think what she is doing is awful, but I think that he has a responsibility to look after his end of things as far as contraception goes if he doesn't want to be a father.

I don't believe for a minute that he is unaware of her maternal feelings. He is choosing to participate here.

People have to be allowed to take responsibility for their own behaviour.

I find it distasteful when outsiders choose to be the morality police in other peoples relationships. No one really knows what goes on privately with 2 other people. There could be loads to the story that the OP is unaware of.

The level of description and judgement that the OP is making about other peoples moral choices rings a bit off with me tbh. It's all a bit curtain twitching and judging that she knows what's best for other people.

Clearlier

You describe to me what sounds like a great recipe for an unhappy and broken marriage. Given what you describe I would tell her that you're going to tell him and then I'd tell him about the conversation.

Fentdog84

Don't hesitate,tell him. If she can brag openly about her 'plan' to a table full of people well then she must be very sure of herself if she thinks that something like this wont get back to him. I wouldnt give a damn about 'her time' or whatnot what she is trying to do is disgraceful.

nc19

Tell him, end of story


What if it was happening to your brother???

Merkin

I'd tell him, it's not like she swore you to secrecy either considering she's going around telling people....what a strange girl.

Tramps Like Us

Jesus, tell him!!

What a nasty so and so that woman is. Stupid too, she'll be left with the baby

Little Acorn

Get your brother to tell him.

If you want to keep yourself out of trouble here you could bring up the conversation with her again at home/anywhere whilst your brother is in the vicinity and stage a scenario that your brother 'overheard' ye.
(you could have already filled yr brother in on what's going on and for him to go along with the 'overhearing' ye story)

I doubt your brother would have any qualms telling his good friend what he knows and she wouldn't expect him to stay quiet about it.
She couldn't exactly get mad at you about it either - not your fault if your brother accidentally on purpose overheard her twisted plans.

ivytwine

Santa Cruz wrote: »

Well if he is stupid enough not to take responsibility for contraception, uses her when it suits him maybe they deserve each other and prevent two other innocents being pulled in to the scene. Best mind your own business

But what about any kid dragged onto the scene? They would be innocents, dragged into a completely farcical relationship.

The guy's an idiot for not using contraception- the fact he is doing this at the age of 25 is another sign of how much he should NOT be a father.

Maybe this guy will grow up in his own sweet time. But as for her....

If she says she doesn't want to be a single mum, tell her she might have to be anyway. Just because he comes 'from an old fashioned family' does not mean he will stick around. He could deny paternity- he could try and make her get an abortion. This 'plan' of hers is craziness.

I know she wants a child badly, but the fact that she is willing to do this shows she doesn't really, or at least she is not in anyway thinking of its welfare. This is completely and utterly selfish and if she doesn't have the maturity to realise a child would be better off out of a situation like this, she shouldn't have one.

Tell him OP, normally I would be the 'leave them at it' school of thought, but Christ, there are enough unwanted and unloved children in the world, the last thing we need are more.

username123

ivytwine wrote: »

....but Christ, there are enough unwanted and unloved children in the world, the last thing we need are more.

Why would the child be unwanted and unloved, she is actively trying for a child - so presumably it is both wanted and would be loved!

ivytwine

username123 wrote: »

Why would the child be unwanted and unloved, she is actively trying for a child - so presumably it is both wanted and would be loved!

I don't think this woman has any concept of what wanting a child means. It means wanting what's best for the child. If she wants to drag a child into this car crash then clearly she just wants the idea of a child, she wants the 'fairytale' as the OP says.

If she really wanted a child she would have it in a more stable situation. She would even have it on her own by sperm donation. Or adopt. Or even foster. To me that would be better for the child than trying to force an immature 20-something into a shotgun marriage.

She doesn't want a child, not really, she wants a doll and a fairytale, because she's a child herself.

EDIT: Not to say she wouldn't do her best by the child if she had it, but I can imagine having a father who has absolutely no interest in you and resents your mother from 'trapping' him would not be the best for the child's development. What if it was a girl? Look at the way this guy talks about women.

Merkin

whatshouldido wrote: »

She has spoken in the past of his family background and their wealth and I have to question if this is a factor, and makes him more appealing than opting for an anonymous sperm donor?

You know I was reading your OP again and you simply have to tell this guy. Regardless of him being immature and not being a perfect boyfriend, it seems like she is viewing him as two things. Number one a sperm donor and number two as a free meal ticket. If his family are well off and she is going to great lengths to be so sycophantic to his Mother etc it sounds like she is thinking "kerching" if she gets pregnant. It will solve all her worries in one felt swoop - her ticking body clock and the problems she's having paying her mortgage. I know she's your friend but she sounds like a right little schemer who is hell bent on getting her way regardless of how sneaky and dishonest it is and with no regard for the impact it will have on other people's lives. Tell him.

username123

ivytwine wrote: »

I don't think this woman has any concept of what wanting a child means. It means wanting what's best for the child. If she wants to drag a child into this car crash then clearly she just wants the idea of a child, she wants the 'fairytale' as the OP says.

If she really wanted a child she would have it in a more stable situation. She would even have it on her own by sperm donation. Or adopt. Or even foster. To me that would be better for the child than trying to force an immature 20-something into a shotgun marriage.

She doesn't want a child, not really, she wants a doll and a fairytale, because she's a child herself.

mmm...we are getting very close to eugenics when we say who should and shouldnt have a child based on our judgement of what the "right situation" for children to be brought into is.

Gannicus

Generally I avoid getting involved in other people relationships but purely for the sake of the possible child that may result from this I would most definitely get involved.

A) He's already proved he's unreliable and treats her worse than a booty call. I kind of agree with her mates when they say him and his mates are taking advantage of her.

He doesn't want kids by the sounds of it (he's 25, he's still young).

C) She can't trap him into the relationship (if she wants kids maybe its time to end the relationship and try meet someone on the same level as her)

D) She is already having problems/finding it hard paying her mortgage a kid ain't gonna make that easier at all.

E) I doubt he'll hang around for the sake of the kid which will leave her royally screwed.


I think the best thing to do is to get them both in the room and force them to lay their cards on the table and if she refuses to say it then tell him in front of her. At least this way you're not betraying her trust by going running to him and you are also giving her the chance to come out with it and let him hear it for himself.

Czarcasm

username123 wrote: »

mmm...we are getting very close to eugenics when we say who should and shouldnt have a child based on our judgement of what the "right situation" for children to be brought into is.

Emm, we're not even close to eugenics here. The guy doesn't want a child. That's not telling the OPs friend she can't have a child. That's advising that it's a pretty stupid idea to have a child with someone who has made it crystal clear they don't want a child.

There's no judgement even needed there. If one person wants a child, and the other person doesn't, then there's no arguing about "the right situation", just the woeful amount of wrongs in this situation.

username123

Czarcasm wrote: »

Emm, we're not even close to eugenics here. The guy doesn't want a child. That's not telling the OPs friend she can't have a child. That's advising that it's a pretty stupid idea to have a child with someone who has made it crystal clear they don't want a child.

There's no judgement even needed there. If one person wants a child, and the other person doesn't, then there's no arguing about "the right situation", just the woeful amount of wrongs in this situation.

That was more a general comment on what constitutes the "right situation" to bring a child into.

I dont think that this woman should have a child, but I also dont think that its right to interfere in other peoples relationships. I would not take kindly to outside interference in my own relationship, and Im sure no one else here would either.

kunst nugget

username123 wrote: »

You will lose this friendship and possibly ruin her chances of having a child, as she will lose yet more time etc...

Seriously, wtf! The guy she is going out with is a total dickhead but what she is doing is morally bankrupt. How could you think that it is acceptable to allow this woman to knowingly try and trick a fellow into getting pregnant?

kunst nugget

username123 wrote: »

That was more a general comment on what constitutes the "right situation" to bring a child into.

I dont think that this woman should have a child, but I also dont think that its right to interfere in other peoples relationships. I would not take kindly to outside interference in my own relationship, and Im sure no one else here would either.

But this woman is trying to dishonestly shift the dynamics of the relationship and to introduce a child into the world with someone who has stated pretty clearly that he does not want a child. Seriously, that's a whole different level of deceit.

username123

kunst nugget wrote: »

Seriously, wtf! The guy she is going out with is a total dickhead but what she is doing is morally bankrupt. How could you think that it is acceptable to allow this woman to knowingly try and trick a fellow into getting pregnant?

Do you not think that he has a responsibility to look after contraception if he doesnt want a child?

Merkin

username123 wrote: »

Do you not think that he has a responsibility to look after contraception if he doesnt want a child?

She has expressly led him to believe that she is looking after that side of things. I know you should never take things as a given but they are supposed to be in a relationship and one would think that a decent human being wouldn't lie about such a serious matter. She is totally misleading him.

I also wouldn't trust her enough to use condoms with him, she's probably put holes in the damn things.

The lad needs to get shot, let her find her sperm donor and meal ticket elsewhere or at least with someone who is privy to what her schemes are.

kunst nugget

username123 wrote: »

Do you not think that he has a responsibility to look after contraception if he doesnt want a child?

Without a doubt, the guys a fool and if he doesn't want a child he should be taking extra precautions as any sane person would know that no contraception is 100%. But that does not in any way, shape or form diminish the absolutely despicable violation of trust that this woman is committing in order to ensnare him. Her actions are unspeakably vile and I think the OP should tell the guy, no matter how much of a dick he is, before a child is actually in the equation.

Sleepy

Definitely tell him.

While it may not "ruin his life", it'll change it in ways he doesn't want it to.

username123, while in a few years there may be a commercially available male contraceptive pill, it's not currently an option for men to take as much responsibility for contraception as women. I've had personal experience of trying to explain to a partner why I wanted to keep using condoms despite her assurances that she was on the pill and, believe me, it's far from an easy conversation to have!

username123

Merkin wrote: »

She has expressly led him to believe that she is looking after that side of things. I know you should never take things as a given but they are supposed to be in a relationship and one would think that a decent human being wouldn't lie about such a serious matter. She is totally misleading him.

But are they? Given the account in the OP he has been clear that its casual, he treats her poorly, stands her up etc.... We are not talking about a loving committed relationship here. So thats even more reason for him to take responsibility for his own ability to impregnate someone!

username123

Sleepy wrote: »

Definitely tell him.

While it may not "ruin his life", it'll change it in ways he doesn't want it to.

username123, while in a few years there may be a commercially available male contraceptive pill, it's not currently an option for men to take as much responsibility for contraception as women. I've had personal experience of trying to explain to a partner why I wanted to keep using condoms despite her assurances that she was on the pill and, believe me, it's far from an easy conversation to have!

Its different in a committed relationship but what has been outlined here is not a committed relationship (see my earlier post).

I have dated men who refused to trust me being on the pill, I respected them all the more for it. Course men can take as much responsibility for contraception as women, thats just silly to think that they cant!

kunst nugget

username123 wrote: »

But are they? Given the account in the OP he has been clear that its casual, he treats her poorly, stands her up etc.... We are not talking about a loving committed relationship here. So thats even more reason for him to take responsibility for his own ability to impregnate someone!

Surely though, you don't think this justifies the actions she is taking, do you?

Merkin

username123 wrote: »

But are they? Given the account in the OP he has been clear that its casual, he treats her poorly, stands her up etc.... We are not talking about a loving committed relationship here. So thats even more reason for him to take responsibility for his own ability to impregnate someone!

She has categorically told him she is taking birth control though. Yes he should be taking responsibility but he sounds like a man child at best. How he treats her is incidental - she evidently doesn't care as she's only obsessed with sperm and how rich her potential child's grandparents are.

Czarcasm

username123 wrote: »

That was more a general comment on what constitutes the "right situation" to bring a child into.

I dont think that this woman should have a child

Now THAT'S a lot closer to eugenics. I'd say this woman has every right to have a child, but I would advise her that it's not a good idea to try for a child with a guy who sounds like he's not too long out of nappies himself, and certainly don't try for a child by using deception instead of contraception when the guy is adamant that he doesn't want a child.

but I also dont think that its right to interfere in other peoples relationships. I would not take kindly to outside interference in my own relationship, and Im sure no one else here would either.

I completely agree with you. But that's not what's going on here. I'm sure the OP would rather not have been privy to her friends scheme, but her friend gave her the right to interfere in their relationship when she told her what she was planning.

username123 wrote: »

Do you not think that he has a responsibility to look after contraception if he doesnt want a child?

Of course he does, and between them, as far as he is aware, his girlfriend is using contraception to prevent a pregnancy. If there is no trust there, then bringing a child into that situation is unfair on the child, and his girlfriend is only doing it for her own selfish motivation, rather than thinking about the life that child will have being brought up in an environment that is bound to be harmful to their development and could well leave them requiring counselling in later life. They won't remain a "cute ickle baba" forever either.

ivytwine

username123 wrote: »

mmm...we are getting very close to eugenics when we say who should and shouldnt have a child based on our judgement of what the "right situation" for children to be brought into is.

No we're not by any means.

I am the child of single parent and believe me if I believed everyone should have children in marriage I wouldn't exist.

But this woman is purposely planning to bring a child into this situation. She needs to be stopped; she will alter her boyfriend's life radically without his consent (even if he is an idiot, he doesn't deserve this) and she will bring an innocent child into this situation.

I understand her biological clock is ticking, but if she stopped this crazy plan she might actually meet someone better placed to be a father and have a child that is wanted by both parents.

eviltwin

I can't believe some of the comments here, almost saying the guy deserves to be duped if he's not using condoms.

Granted, I agree he's being very foolish not using them but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be warned of her intentions. Its like some people want to see him taught a lesson or something, I'm surprised anyone would say "do nothing"

He does sound like a very immature person for his age for that's exactly one of the reasons why I would warn him. He's nowhere near ready to take on the responsibility of a child and he doesn't deserve to be tricked into it, not when someone has the power to stop it.

strobe

What this woman is doing is tantamount to rape. Yes of course you should tell him. **** your frendship with her tbh, she's a scumbag, it's no loss to fall out with her.

The Corinthian

username123 wrote: »

I think what she is doing is awful, but I think that he has a responsibility to look after his end of things as far as contraception goes if he doesn't want to be a father.

By that logic, no man should ever trust the woman he's with; be she a one-night stand or a wife of twenty years. I find that rather depressing.

I also find that a bit of a rationalization; you may say that what she is doing is awful, but you're also saying that he had it coming.

Consider some guy in a relationship with a girl. They don't use contraception because they're in a monogamous relationship. They've been together for a few months. All seems well, then one night he admits to you he's HIV and hasn't told her this.

I doubt many would suggest that one should 'keep out of it' or argue that in getting involved you could harm his chances at a stable relationship. That's because he is actively deceiving his girlfriend for his own selfish reasons, the consequences of which will likely affect her for the rest of her life (with modern medication she won't develop AIDS, but her life as she knows it will still be over). Effectively, he's just using her as a resource to effectuate his agenda, his desires; her own desires, or rights, are completely irrelevant.

I take it she had it coming too, as she should have demanded that he have an STI check before they had any sex? And while what he's doing is 'awful', he's not entirely to blame? I'm not sure I want to live in such a World.

Honestly, I'm loathed to stick my nose in someone else's relationship, and mainly for selfish reasons - the guy to informs his friend he's a cuckold rarely earns his gratitude.

But the stakes are way too high to ignore; there's a difference between walking past a man who's stepped in a puddle and walking past a man who's fallen into a river and is drowning.

People have to be allowed to take responsibility for their own behaviour.

Like how they didn't get round to having children before they were 34?

Clearlier

username123 wrote: »

But are they? Given the account in the OP he has been clear that its casual, he treats her poorly, stands her up etc.... We are not talking about a loving committed relationship here. So thats even more reason for him to take responsibility for his own ability to impregnate someone!

All of this is true and none of it is a reason not to tell the guy.

username123 wrote: »

That was more a general comment on what constitutes the "right situation" to bring a child into.

I dont think that this woman should have a child, but I also dont think that its right to interfere in other peoples relationships. I would not take kindly to outside interference in my own relationship, and Im sure no one else here would either.

I would have wanted somebody to tell me if a girlfriend had told me that she was taking contraception when she wasn't. I would be surprised if there are many who wouldn't.

Your default position is obviously not to influence anything that doesn't directly involve you. I like to think of myself as quite libertarian too but I think that honesty is critical to the success of libertarianism and while I can debate all day about what truth is I don't think that there's much room for doubting the dishonesty of her actions.

It's worth noting that nobody's advocating telling the man what to do, just providing him with information that we think he should know.