Not walking to taxi rank - right to be annoyed?

LegacyUser

There is a guy I have been seeing for two or three months now. We're not in an official relationship - both of us are moving away in a few months, so we came to the decision that there was no point in putting any labels on anything - but we meet up every time we're out, we've slept together once, gone on dates during the day.

There's something about him that's been bothering me, but I'm not sure if I'm just over-reacting. Maybe this is an old-fashioned idea, but at the end of a night, I would like someone to at least feign an interest in how I'm getting home - walk me to the taxi rank, etc. This isn't the case with him - something I didn't mind too much when we were both as drunk as each other, but I am quite annoyed after what happened the other night.

I was out on Tuesday night, as was he, however he wasn't drinking as he was driving home. I was very drunk (our college R&G Week). At the end of the night, we left the pub and stood chatting outside for a while. He then said something along the lines of 'You're getting a taxi home? Grand, I'm driving, I'll see you tomorrow' and walked off, leaving me alone, drunk.

Maybe I'm just being self-absorbed or selfish, but I can't help feeling like it would have been a nice gesture to have offered me a lift home. I wouldn't have accepted it (my house would be a good bit out of his way), but not offering me one or even waiting with me at the taxi rank seems kind of discourteous, particularly when he was completely sober.

I wouldn't mind if this were just a random guy I had met out, but this isn't the case. He's told me really lovely things about how much he really likes me, how great I am, how much respect he has for me, etc.

Slighly unrelated, but also something that's bothering me, is what happened on Thursday night. We were out with our own groups of friends, in different places, but he had been texting me all night asking me to come to where he was. The club we were in closed early, so I texted him at about half one, telling him I was going to come to the pub he was in. I arrived, only to find him all over another girl. It seems rude to be continually asking me to come and meet him, he presumably saw my text saying I was going to come, but then to go off with another girl.

Am I over-reacting or is it justified to be annoyed?

movingsucks

I'm sorry I don't have some good advice for you, but I went through similar before.
I was "seeing" a guy, we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend but we'd text, meet up on our nights out etc. He'd tell me all sorts about how he never met anyone like me or he thinks about me all the time.
But if I wasn't going home with him he didn't care how I got home. One time his housemates started screaming abuse at me in their place (turned out he was kinda involved with one of them) so of course I had to leave and he just stood at the door saying "see you round then".
Another time I went to a house party just to be with him and when I got there a bunch of them decided to head to a club and he left with them without saying a word to me.

So all of this was bull****ty and annoying and sometimes downright upsetting.
There was usually drink involved too, but we didn't have boundaries so if I said anything about it to him he'd look at me like I had ten heads.
I wasn't his girlfriend so why would he walk me home or wait with me for a cab etc. He didn't even treat me like a friend sometimes. So I stopped letting it happen. We weren't going to be together, I was expecting too much so I just stopped getting involved.
Your guy sounds the same. He likes knowing you're around but will do as he pleases if it suits him.
But at the same time, he kept asking you to come over, you didn't until it suited you, so he chased some one else for the night. He may never have seen your text or maybe he was chatting up the other girl and she or you was a Plan B for the night.
So if I were you, either call it a day and don't get involved anymore or ask him if he wants to be official.

PS : please take care when out drinking that you can get home safely

Stavro Mueller

To me this looks like the guy is using you for sex. To be fair you've said you're not official and that you're moving away in a few months anyway. Don't dress this up as more than it is though. It's even less of a "friendship" than you think it is.

Everything this guy is doing points to someone who's just about doing enough to keep you onside. Don't fool yourself into thinking that all these nice things he said are genuinely meant. They were said so you'd be willing to continue having sex with him. All of his actions point to someone who doesn't particularly care about you. You're little more than a warm body to have some fun with, then discard.

What you do from here is your own decision. The first thing you need to do is accept where you stand when it comes to this guy. Then make up your own mind whether you're willing to continue being treated in this way. If it was me I'd be cutting contact. There's casual and then there's being treated like a piece of meat.

iCosmopolis

Doesn't bode well. You deserve someone to walk you home, or at least be concerned that you got home. Friends with benefits are fine and can be handy, but they're still supposed to be your friend! And friends shouldn't even treat you like that.

LegacyUser

OP here. Sorry, I should have been more specific, this isn't exactly a traditional friends with benefits arrangement. It's somewhat more complicated. When I said that we slept together, that only happened once, but it is more that we slept together than had sex - he insisted we stop, because I was upset about something.

So I don't think it's fair to him to say that he's using me for sex - if it was a friends with benefits scenario, then I'd agree with you.

I guess that's why I'm confused - the fact that he didn't mind us not finishing having sex did feel like he was putting his needs above mine. But yet, as you say, he's not even giving me the respect you'd give a friend by making sure they get home safely.

IrishEyes19

Unfortunately you aren't a couple. So he going with another girl isnt a concern of his.

I can see your point regarding the taxi, but you need to address it with him so. make it clear rather than not saying anything

LegacyUser

I would be annoyed too. Its very bad form to leave a drunk girl alone by herself, even if it is a casual thing i would expect to be treated better.

LegacyUser

Yes you have a right to be annoyed. I would be annoyed too. It's bad form to leave a girl who has had a few drinks on her own! You and him might be just a casual thing but isnt it supposed to be fun? I think if he continues to show such little concern for your wellbeing and additionally if you get upset seing him with another girl then you will just leave yourself open to being hurt.

justsmile

Yes you have a right to be annoyed. I would be annoyed too. It's bad form to leave a girl who has had a few drinks on her own! You and him might be just a casual thing but isnt it supposed to be fun? I think if he continues to show such little concern for your wellbeing and additionally if you get upset seing him with another girl then you will just leave yourself open to being hurt.

iCosmopolis

Yep, good advice above- just don't bother with him again, he's no gain. I wouldn't go addressing issues (about taxi/girl etc) it's a waste of energy. In my younger single days I had FWB'S and they were great, and friends in all ways-had the good stuff,gigs, drinks, movies, sexy time, and still acted like mates - never cold or embarrassing the other. This guy seemed to say the right things when suited, but in most situations he's an ass. There's a good bf out there for you, or at least a nicer/cooler f*ck buddy!

it's fairly obvious that he's not that into you. move on...

Merkin

A FWB does not equate to being treated like trash.Even the most casual of purely sex related hook-ups require manners, decency and respect for the other person.This man sounds like a pig.If he doesn't have the good manners to drive you to a taxi rank then it says a lot, I wouldn't grace him with my presence a moment longer.

blatantrereg

Shockingly bad form alright. It's just the done thing to make sure a girl gets home alright. Doesn't require a relationship or even liking or respect to be involved on the part of the guy. It's just the done thing.

dellas1979

You are conflicting at the moment - because you like him, but you know its not right.

Thats your self-esteem knock knock knocking going "hey girl, you deserve to be treated better", but because you like him, youre choosing to ignore it. Dont ignore it!

I'd always walk my friends home. It's what you do for a friend. Unfortunately, that tells you how he sees you. You should cut him loose, for yourself.

If you want friends with benefits, find someone who will respect the "friends" part of the arrangement.

LegacyUser

OP here. Sorry, I should have been more specific, this isn't exactly a traditional friends with benefits arrangement. It's somewhat more complicated. When I said that we slept together, that only happened once, but it is more that we slept together than had sex - he insisted we stop, because I was upset about something.

So I don't think it's fair to him to say that he's using me for sex - if it was a friends with benefits scenario, then I'd agree with you.

I guess that's why I'm confused - the fact that he didn't mind us not finishing having sex did feel like he was putting his needs above mine. But yet, as you say, he's not even giving me the respect you'd give a friend by making sure they get home safely.

blatantrereg

sillytobehurt wrote: »

OP here. Sorry, I should have been more specific, this isn't exactly a traditional friends with benefits arrangement. It's somewhat more complicated. When I said that we slept together, that only happened once, but it is more that we slept together than had sex - he insisted we stop, because I was upset about something.

So I don't think it's fair to him to say that he's using me for sex - if it was a friends with benefits scenario, then I'd agree with you.

I guess that's why I'm confused - the fact that he didn't mind us not finishing having sex did feel like he was putting his needs above mine. But yet, as you say, he's not even giving me the respect you'd give a friend by making sure they get home safely.

That's not putting your needs before his own. It would be weird if he wanted to continue while you were upset imo. Most people wouldn't enjoy continuing at that point.

dellas1979

sillytobehurt wrote: »

OP here. Sorry, I should have been more specific, this isn't exactly a traditional friends with benefits arrangement. It's somewhat more complicated. When I said that we slept together, that only happened once, but it is more that we slept together than had sex - he insisted we stop, because I was upset about something.

So I don't think it's fair to him to say that he's using me for sex - if it was a friends with benefits scenario, then I'd agree with you.

I guess that's why I'm confused - the fact that he didn't mind us not finishing having sex did feel like he was putting his needs above mine. But yet, as you say, he's not even giving me the respect you'd give a friend by making sure they get home safely.

Eekk sorry. Im confused...what exactly do you want from this guy?

I think youve developed feelings for him, something that doesnt fit a FWB scenario. You are putting in drips and drabs of other scenarios where he has also upset you and emotions. If it was a classic FWB, you wouldnt care what he got up to.

I'd see it as very discourteous, yes. It basically says the person doesn't give a crap about you. I got too drunk at a work party last year and a colleague who was just a friend and there with his wife insisted on walking me out to the taxi rank, waiting for the taxi, gave me a kiss on the cheek and texted me the next day to make sure I got home. And that's just a friend. I couldn't imagine a guy I was actually in a relationship with leaving me to fend for myself. Poor form.

Granted, I am often guilty of being rude as a result of thoughtlessness, but I don't see it as being that bad. Sure it's nice to be looked after, but I wouldn't call it offensive to not be.

Do you walk him to his car, or to where ever he's going?

Tell him what you think about it. You can't be angry at him when he doesn't even know that you care about it.

Roisy7

Serenity Prehistoric Bungalow wrote: »

I'd see it as very discourteous, yes. It basically says the person doesn't give a crap about you. I got too drunk at a work party last year and a colleague who was just a friend and there with his wife insisted on walking me out to the taxi rank, waiting for the taxi, gave me a kiss on the cheek and texted me the next day to make sure I got home. And that's just a friend. I couldn't imagine a guy I was actually in a relationship with leaving me to fend for myself. Poor form.

She's not in a relationship with him though, it's just a FWB situation.

I don't think he has a lot of respect for you OP. Friends care about how the other wants to get home, as Serenity Prehistoric Bungalow points out.

I think there's an element of not wanting to give you the wrong impression too. Maybe he thinks if he drives you home etc it will give you the impression that you're a couple.

Either way, actions mean more than words. So IMO his actions (letting you walk to a taxi rank alone) mean a lot more than him drunkenly telling you he loves you.

I think you want more from this guy and if so, cut and run now because it doesn't seem promising to say the least.

EDIT: just read your second post and have to agree with blatantrereg, only a real creep would continue while the other person was upset. I don't think this guy is a bad guy, I think he has a bit of a guilty conscience about this. But I really think you need to rediscover your self worth and move on.

Chucky the tree

None of my friends walk me home or to a taxi when I get drunk, should I get rid of them? Then again I've never done it for them either.

Roisy7

Chucky the tree wrote: »

None of my friends walk me home or to a taxi when I get drunk, should I get rid of them? Then again I've never done it for them either.

I think though for girls especially there is an expectation that your mates should at least care how you're getting home. I mean I presume you do ask each other how you're getting home?

I was out last night and thought I'd be able to get a taxi, but when I couldn't my friend and her friends waited for me a little up the town, I had to walk the last little bit on my own, and they offered to walk up with me, I said I was ok and texted them to let them know I was home safe.

That's a friend from primary school, so yeah long standing, but I mean the OP should at least expect a level of concern from the guy she's sleeping with?

Also, she mentions taxi ranks so I presume she's in a city or big town. The situation last night was in a small town where I know lots of people inc taxi drivers, ie a lot safer!

Chucky the tree

Roisy7 wrote: »

I think though for girls especially there is an expectation that your mates should at least care how you're getting home. I mean I presume you do ask each other how you're getting home?

I was out last night and thought I'd be able to get a taxi, but when I couldn't my friend and her friends waited for me a little up the town, I had to walk the last little bit on my own, and they offered to walk up with me, I said I was ok and texted them to let them know I was home safe.

That's a friend from primary school, so yeah long standing, but I mean the OP should at least expect a level of concern from the guy she's sleeping with?

Also, she mentions taxi ranks so I presume she's in a city or big town. The situation last night was in a small town where I know lots of people inc taxi drivers, ie a lot safer!

If her mates are supposed to care then I'd wonder if they asked her outside of the pub how she was getting home? We won't ask each other, we'd already know that they are probably walking home or getting a taxi like they do all the time. The streets are perfectly safe at night for most girls, especially if all they'll be doing is standing at a taxi rank waiting on a taxi. I certainly think they are much safer for a single girl then a single guy anyway.

amtc

My male friends always walk me to a taxi, make sure I have money and make me text them to say I've got home. They'll ring as if they are in my house as I live on my own and once got a creepy taxi driver.

Only manners!

Sounds to me like he's just not that into you!

amtc

amtc wrote: »

My male friends always walk me to a taxi, make sure I have money and make me text them to say I've got home.

I'd feel pretty patronised if someone was that concerned about how I was getting home.

It really could just be the case that the custom among the OP and her friends is to worry about how they each get home, whereas the guy in question may be completely unaccustomed to that. Personally I find it bizarre - for years as a teenager I gave out about getting that treatment from my parents, I'd hardly accept it from friends. The guy probably has no idea that not walking her to a taxi is somehow offensive.

shalalala

Regardless of whether or not he is in to you or whether or not you are sleeping together. It is the decent human thing (for a man or a woman to do) to put you in a taxi and make sure you are safe. Now I would understand him not doing it if you make a habit of it. But honestly? You could do without this man in your life.

December2012

So you're not girlfriend / boyfriend, you're not having sex, so what are you doing then?

It sounds like you've hung out a bit and that's it.

Are you looking for more?

fatknacker

How far was the taxi rank from the pub?

charlietheminxx

Just playing devils advocate here but from his point of view

- You're not together
- He spent half his night asking you to meet up, you said no til near the end
- His flirting with someone else is really a non issue if you aren't an exclusive item/progressing into a relationship, and it sounds like he only did it thinking you wouldn't be around.
- You only turned up at the end of a night out and were locked. He may have felt you were using him to take care of you? What were you expecting realistically?
- He did ask you how you were getting home, so it wasn't like he was totally unconcerned.

Look OP I'm just giving you another perspective. I don't agree with all I've listed above but I know plenty of people who think that way.

My current OH is a total gentleman and walks me to buses and texts me til I'm home etc, but over the years I've safely gotten plenty of Nitelinks and taxis by myself. I like that my friends look out for me but at the end of the day I would feel awful if they felt obliged to do so just because I'm a woman.

You sound like you're looking for a lot more than something casual.

Sittingpretty

I might be alone in my thinking but it's your own responsibility to make sure you get home safely and if you are drunk enough to the extent where that's not possible then maybe it's time to examine your own drinking.

It would have been nice, chivalrous even for him to walk you home but your safety is not his responsibility. Maybe that sounds harsh but this childlike "I need looking after because I'm drunk" is immature at best.

It reads to me like you would like him to care more for you and you are upset at the thought that maybe he doesn't?

I think that it may be a good idea to talk with him an make clear what both of your expectations are from your friendship/relationship and take it from there. If you both know where you stand then it removes any doubt for you.

Best of luck

amtc

I was thinking about this thread last night - I'm went out to watch the match with a male friend and we went for dinner.

I was in Castleknock so I didn't have too far to come home (and we had two drinks) so he put me in a taxi, gave me the cash (he owed me money so it wasn't a freebie).

Got a taxi himself to his place, called me in taxi to say he was at 'my home' as I had freakish experience with taxi driver last year where he sat outside my house all night - that's what I'd expect from my best male mate!

It's not being intrusive. Asked him, and he said he's expect anyone to do it for his sister.!

Stavro Mueller

Sittingpretty wrote: »

It reads to me like you would like him to care more for you and you are upset at the thought that maybe he doesn't?

This is the real issue, not the taxi rank thing. It has become clear in this thread that it's not the done thing with everyone. It's worth reading the last paragraph of what the OP wrote again. In my opinion it just backs up what Sittingpretty has said.

Slighly unrelated, but also something that's bothering me, is what happened on Thursday night. We were out with our own groups of friends, in different places, but he had been texting me all night asking me to come to where he was. The club we were in closed early, so I texted him at about half one, telling him I was going to come to the pub he was in. I arrived, only to find him all over another girl. It seems rude to be continually asking me to come and meet him, he presumably saw my text saying I was going to come, but then to go off with another girl.

Despite the OP saying it's a casual thing etc. , it looks like they're not quite on the same page. It could be that he's a bit thoughtless, that he takes the OP for granted or that he isn't as much of a friend to her as she thought. It's time for the OP to have a think about where she sits in his list of priorities and make a decision.