Marriage Difficulties

Dad11

Hi there,

I am back again. I posted here in Feb this year after my son was born. There were difficulties beteeen my wife , I and my inlaws. It has improved sonewhat in that my wife's sister and I can be civil. As for my mother in law she does not talk to me. My wife and I have had a turbulent rerelationship since he was born. I have been to counselling my wife didn't go. I have found it benefical, however my wife and I continue to have a very mixed relationship! I find her to be very childish. will give an example: This evening I was due to leave my place of work at 16:30. My wife was aware of this fact, however at 16:25 an issue came to light and had to be dealt with and more or less closed off. I work in Technical Services and this happens sometines. It goes with the job. I managed to get out of the office at 17:10. I called my wife immediately, I didnt get a chance to explain. She laid into me I was called an asshole, no understanding at all. She ended the call abruptly! When I got home she continued on giving me a hard time. I explained what happened but that was not good enough! She raises her voice in front of baby and curses a lot and sometimes calls me a cun*t in temper. I have made it clear that this is unacceptable but this behaviour does not . stop. When I came home this evening my wife was trying to get my son to sleep in his buggy, she was rolling back and forward. She was at this for 45 mins and getting more frustrated. When my son started crying and wouldnt stop I took him out of buggy and said I would bring him for drive to give her break. He went sleep ar 6:47. When I told my wife this she went beserk. She said I ****ed up his routine. She said I was irresponsible parent. Since I came home from work today she just has not stopped! At the monent is 60% bad and 40% good. I am doing my best, paying all bills, trying hard to be good father, trying to look after my job. I am really at my wits end! I'm really fed up and really considering I may have a better relationship with my son if my wife and I were not together!

edellc

It sounds like your wife might have pnd, how was her day today , how is she sleeping, and how was baby today

Op I understand that you r having a rough time but your life is easy compared to your wife's at the minute so put yourself in her shoes

You not getting along with the inlaws must also be upsetting and stressful for her as this is suppose to be a time of joy and with this war going on I doubt joy is a way to describe it

My advise to you is make peace with your inlaws for your marriages sake, be a punch bag (obviously not literally) for your wife and comfort her and most importantly try get her to see a doctor

If you want your marriage to work it will but you need to help your wife get help and know what battles to loose so the war can be won so choose carefully

doubletrouble?

tough one o.p. i remember your posts here very well and is it really that long ago?. but getting back to your problem. could it be your wife has some form on P.N.D.? T.B.H. i think your issue would be more suited on the "personal issues" forumn.

Hannibal Smith

Is today a one off or is it normal behaviour.

Although its tough for the working parent trying to juggle a job and raise a child it can be a different kind of tough for the one who stays at home. You don't get a minute to yourself, especially if its one of those days where the baby just won't cooperate. There is no change of face, no change of scenery, there is just a long hard day with no breaks, or time to stop and if the baby hasn't slept you'll have a constant cry around you.

There are days when you become completely unreasonable because the only light at the end of the tunnel that day is when your partner gets home to take over and when that goal post gets moved its nobodys fault but hey, denying misplaced anger is a fine art at times.

Talk to her about what her days are like, listen to how she's coping. Of course you have a full time job and you're own demands to meet but I'm guessing you at least got to eat lunch in peace?

I hate days like that, but I doubt there's a couple out there that haven't had something similar.

caprilicious

It sounds like your wife was having a particularly crap day. I don't even think it's so much that she thought you wrecked his routine as frustration that she had been trying so long to get him asleep & it hadn't worked for her.

It can be so incredibly intense when you're alone all day with baby & they're having one of those days where they wont cooperate.

It is not fair on you either to be treated like this, it sounds like you are trying to do your bit.

Is there anyone that would take baby for a few hours or overnight to give you both some time together without baby?

Frustrating though it may be, I think I would try patch things up a little with the in laws.
From what I recall of your earlier post, you did apologise but they were rude/unaccepting of it.
For the sake of an easier life I think it would help if you did smooth things over with them.

Otherwise it may be the case if your wife is discussing your relationship issues with them, that they may be pushing her further away from you.

I hope you manage to sort things.
The first year of life with baby can be really difficult at times & put a very real strain on the strongest of marriages.


It's one of the reasons I can never understand why previously people were recommended to have a baby to try save their relationship!

All I can is it does get easier as baby gets older!

pwurple

Op, i am trying to remember the age of your baby... Is he about 7 or 8 months now? That weaning stage I found the toughest myself, there were still all the feeds, plus the giant mess from food, plus they need a bit more entertaining, but are not too mobile so you end up carrying them a LOT. I put my back out at that age. It was very very hard.

Plus, I don't know if your wife worked before the baby, but if she is not working now, the maternity benefit is ended, so her only income is the childrens allowance of 140 per month. It is ridiculously depressing to know that you are flat out with the baby all day long for 140 quid a month.

I too gave out to my husband if he said he was going to be home at a certain time, and was then a half hour later with no warning around that time if the baby had been grouchy all day... I think a lot of people do. And it must be very stressful for her with you not getting on with her family.

You both have had an extremely stressful year. Moving house, new baby, complete change of life for your wife too. Her previous life is totally gone.

Be kind to eachother. It gets much easier once baby gets to one year old and can walk about.

marizpan

It would relieve pressure if you both arranged to send the baby to a Childminder one day a week.
Your wife would have something to look forward to, like meet up with old friends or even just catch up with sleep.
You are under estimating how much her life has changed since the new arrival. It's a big adjustment to quit work, no income and to be stuck at home with a baby and endless housework.
She is prob questioning her ability as a mother if her baby or emotions don't compare to that of friends or those in those baby books.

xzanti

I think people are making a lot of assumptions without even knowing the woman..

After I had my Son, I couldn't fart crooked without being told I had Post Natal Depression.. which I knew I did not have, and looking back now, I still stand by that.. it's very frustrating when people keep trying to convince you that you're depressed/overwhelmed/over tired etc..

Of course you're going to be out of sorts for a while, you're up at least once every night feeding the baby, you have very little time to yourself, you're going around with bags under your eyes and you're lucky if you get time to shower and put on a bit of makeup during the early months.. It's the biggest change that will probably ever occur in a woman's life.. it's hard!

My OH also used to try to convince me to put our Son in a creche one day a week.. But that was the last thing I wanted.. I enjoyed every second of him even though it was sometimes tough going.. and our Son had horrendous colic for his first few weeks.. but it was all par for the course..

Anyway, I agree with Carprilicious, it does get easier as the baby gets bigger.. just be there for her and help her out as much as you can..

Hang in there..

ariana`

pwurple wrote: »

I too gave out to my husband if he said he was going to be home at a certain time, and was then a half hour later with no warning around that time if the baby had been grouchy all day... I think a lot of people do. And it must be very stressful for her with you not getting on with her family.

You both have had an extremely stressful year. Moving house, new baby, complete change of life for your wife too. Her previous life is totally gone.

Be kind to eachother. It gets much easier once baby gets to one year old and can walk about.

I've been here too, my husband was late home once because he stopped to buy me flowers (to cheer me up after a challenging day), i ate the head off him for being late . We laugh about it now but those early months are something nothing can prepare you for. Hubby was gone long days and sometimes long weekends. When he was at home he was so relaxed and at ease with our son which frustrated me more because i might have had a hard day with a cranky baby who wouldn't sleep/feed or even smile for me.

We got through it by talking as much as we could and cyring (mostly me!) and to be honest it's only when i read posts like yours that i look back and remember how hard it was. But now we have a gorgeous toddler and we're both back at work and we feel very equal in our roles as parents to our son. Sometimes daddy has the magic touch and sometimes mammy has the magic touch, we help each other out and don't resent the other for being "right", there is no right/wrong in parenting, we're both still learning the ropes.

Is your wife getting time away from baby at all? I always found a good ole natter with my mammy friends really helped me to feel better. And are ye getting any time to yourselves?

It really really does get easier.

who what when

Regardless whether your wife has PND or not she has no right to treat you this way!
There's a very obvious lack of respect for you and everything you do for her. In my (admittedly limited) experience if you don't address her behavior problem immediately she'll only get worse.

Slightly off topic here but if this thread was about a man treating a woman the way your wife treats you, then she would be advised to dump him.

Hannibal Smith

who what when wrote: »

Regardless whether your wife has PND or not she has no right to treat you this way!
There's a very obvious lack of respect for you and everything you do for her. In my (admittedly limited) experience if you don't address her behavior problem immediately she'll only get worse.

Slightly off topic here but if this thread was about a man treating a woman the way your wife treats you, then she would be advised to dump him.

First of all....whether this woman is suffering from it or not, have you any experience or knowledge of depression, post natal or otherwise? It makes the world look a completely different shade of crap. Depression is an illness that can influence behaviour and is not something that should be shrugged off with a 'so what' attitude.

Second of all....have you read the posts from people who have had similar experiences to the op who have shed some light on the other side of the coin? Explaining how the strains of early parenthood can have an effect on a relationship? It's par for the course.

Third of all (yes this is a growing list ) have you been at that stage of exhaustion, where your view of everything becomes distorted?

If your answer is yes to any of the above, then you should know the answer isn't as simple or black and white as you make out.

If this is the general way the woman is behaving then its more than parenting causing the problems. If its as a result of motherhood, work together to resolve it. That is what a marriage is about, finding out what's causing friction and fixing it.

My reply would be the same no matter if it was the husband or the wife under discussion.

who what when

Yeah I have experience of depression, not PND though. In fairness my experience is irrelevant. The fundamental thing here in my opinion is a foundation of LOVE and RESPECT which going on the information supplied is totally absent! You cannot treat anyone like sh1t and expect them to accept that, especially when theyre your husband!

Hannibal Smith

who what when wrote: »

Yeah I have experience of depression, not PND though. In fairness my experience is irrelevant. The fundamental thing here in my opinion is a foundation of LOVE and RESPECT which going on the information supplied is totally absent! You cannot treat anyone like sh1t and expect them to accept that, especially when theyre your husband!

How do you know there's a lack of love and respect? You read a one sided view of an argument. What would the woman's side view be?

How do you know its not two people not appreciating the difficult day the other has had?

If it was a typical argument, I'd agree with you, but there are different forces at play here and explanations (not excuses) for irrational behaviour. So experience is very relevant.

pwurple

who what when wrote: »

Yeah I have experience of depression, not PND though. In fairness my experience is irrelevant. The fundamental thing here in my opinion is a foundation of LOVE and RESPECT which going on the information supplied is totally absent! You cannot treat anyone like sh1t and expect them to accept that, especially when theyre your husband!

They sound like they are treating eachother badly imho. Most of us in the parenting forum have some experience of what the OP is going through. Experience always makes a difference.

who what when

Im not able to do that multi quoting that everyone does so I hope you can understand this.

How do you know there's a lack of love and respect?
The OP said she called him an asshole for having to work overtime.
Also on at least one occasion she called him a cnut!
Not how most people talk to their loved ones!

You read a one sided view of an argument. What would the woman's side view be?
Yes I read the same side of the arguement that you did. The womans viewpoint hasnt been given. Ive no idea what the woman would say.
What has that got to do with it anyway, theres no reason to say that the OP wasnt truthful and correct.

How do you know its not two people not appreciating the difficult day the other has had?
No it sounds like one person being totally ungrateful for everything the other is doing! And as I already said having absolutely no respect for that person!

If it was a typical argument, I'd agree with you, but there are different forces at play here and explanations (not excuses) for irrational behaviour. So experience is very relevant.
Yes perhaps some of it can be explained by things like exhaustion and depression but there is a fundamental problem here, ie. the behavior of the woman towards the man.
That sort of verbal and emotional abuse is just as unacceptable in a relationship as say for example physical abuse.

Hannibal Smith

if only life was that black and white

the op said all of this began when his son was born...does that not help you see my point? Parenting is bloomin tough. The pressure can lead to craziness.

anyway its useless us getting in a tangle about it...the op is the only one who knows for sure what the story is. so he can decide what posts fit his situation.

cbyrd

There's multiple issues going on here, the strain of the in-laws not talking to the OP is one issue, then there's the swearing and shouting.. overtime at work is not a good enough reason to go off on one. Calling the op

If he didn't do the overtime he could lose his job and then there'd be something to give out about. If he was down the pub or out with his mates playing football then yes (been there with the football :rolleyes:)

If this is only since having the baby then it does hint at PND and is worthwhile getting checked out. Better to rule it out than ignore it.

The lack of respect though ... i don't care how hard your day is .. if i came home on a saturday when my OH is with the 4 kids and he ranted at me i would not be impressed to say the least.. it works both ways, how can you respect someone who shouts and rants at you? this is the one sure way to push someone away and very soon turns into hatred.. and it's very hard to come back from that. We were very lucky worked hard to put our marriage back on track before it got too out of control. Yes there are rows and rants in a marriage but when things calmed down there was always an apology..

The first thing i would deal with here is the respect issue, if she can't see that you need your job now that you have a family then how would it work out if you were home all day on the dole..? Maybe a call before 16.30 may have headed off some of the problem..? hard one to call...

Daisy M

I think the tension between you and some of her family members is probably putting your wife under pressure however she shouldn't be treating you with such a lack of respect.
I remember your thread here after your baby was born and also one before where your wife and her mother (I think) had an issue with how you were treating her, from what I remember they were over reacting if your side of the story was accurate. Is it possible that your wife is been influenced against you by your mother in law or have things not been good between you for a while?

Have you asked your wife if she is happy with how your marriage is at the moment?

Hannibal Smith

But if you'd worked a 9 hour day, full throttle with no break, not even the chance of a 5 min cuppa and all day long. You couldn't leave until the next person came to start their shift and they arrived late, you had to carry on full throttle with no break, would you be happy with that person? My husbands staff work in shifts and I tell you, if one of the lads arrived late he would be savaged

With a husband and wife sometimes boundaries are crossed. You say things you couldn't or wouldn't say to some one else sometimes. I've been lifted out of it when I've been late home and my husband has had a screaming toddler to deal with and I've done it to him. We've never held it against each other though. It's been nothing but stress behind it, no real intention.

If I'm remembering the op correctly didn't he tell his mother in law to eff off when tw was ubder pressure? So he knows how it can be, surely?

If its standard behaviour for her, that's different of course.

doubletrouble?

considering this thread is staying where it is i'll give it a go.
dad, if i may call you that . by the sounds of things nothing has got easier since feb it just seems to have stabled out.i mentioned P.N.D because it's the first thing that came to mind.the main thing is you and your wife are still together after all this time and strain so both of you must be doing something good.
most of the posters here are women, no offence girls . being a parent is no easy feat. now coming from a mans point of view. last week i learned a really hard lesson of being a parent. i was up at 5am when i got home from work i'd let the au pair go then continue with the twins,p/cat would also help when she got home from work till about 8pm. by the end of the week i was fit to kill. .i can honestly say this that looking after a baby and the pressure that goes with it must be one of the hardest jobs in life.my point is this.stress and being on the go from first thing till last thing does take it's toll on both parents.the most important thing is whether we like/want it or not we do need a break from the baby/babies, sometimes from each other espec if we're under each others feet 24/7.in other words we need "our" time.being parents of young babies will test and strain even the strongest of marriages.in times of stress we say things in the spur of the moment that we later regret.it's human nature.

dublinlady

doubletrouble? wrote: »

considering this thread is staying where it is i'll give it a go.
dad, if i may call you that . by the sounds of things nothing has got easier since feb it just seems to have stabled out.i mentioned P.N.D because it's the first thing that came to mind.the main thing is you and your wife are still together after all this time and strain so both of you must be doing something good.
most of the posters here are women, no offence girls . being a parent is no easy feat. now coming from a mans point of view. last week i learned a really hard lesson of being a parent. i was up at 5am when i got home from work i'd let the au pair go then continue with the twins,p/cat would also help when she got home from work till about 8pm. by the end of the week i was fit to kill. .i can honestly say this that looking after a baby and the pressure that goes with it must be one of the hardest jobs in life.my point is this.stress and being on the go from first thing till last thing does take it's toll on both parents.the most important thing is whether we like/want it or not we do need a break from the baby/babies, sometimes from each other espec if we're under each others feet 24/7.in other words we need "our" time.being parents of young babies will test and strain even the strongest of marriages.in times of stress we say things in the spur of the moment that we later regret.it's human nature.

I agree with this and one thing struck me from what pwurple said earlier - be kind to one another - nothing more critical than that.
I can get very irate, and stubborn on the tough days - frustrated and upset even - now I'm back to work fulltime it's no better! But the way we get through it is that if we have a bad spell or one of us is irrational or mean to the other as a result of the tiredness - we always realise it and come back and apologise - evening it's the next day! This is because we've talked about how hard it is so much! Communication is so so important - and what struck me from this and from your old posts at the time was that you never seemed to know how your wife felt about things and what her opinions and positions were on the family issues etc - this is not necessarily ur fault at all - not what I'm saying - she may not want to open up to you always - but for me I think that if ye could 'regroup' every now and again and find out what is frustrating both of you and then make efforts to be conscious of it then it might help? For example when we are both wrecked we tell each other and whoever is less wrecked gets an easier he or two - and it always works both ways!

On the note of work - my job can be quite demanding and as I said I work 40-45 hrs per week - never again though will I ever presume that just because my husband has been at home all day 'just' minding the baby that his day has been easier... Sonetimes it's a complete nightmare at home and as Hannibal said you can't even get a moment to cry never mind a cuppa! So it's happened with me if he was late home I would lose it originally / but then would apologise as I realise work is not his fault - and it's the same with other way now too.

Totally agree its a total test to any marriage - but as far as I've figured out - communication and consideration are the two tools you need to share to win

Dad11

Link to thread I posted earlier.in year to clarify a few points here http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2056557041?page=1#post_77232769

Dad11

What is PND ?

edellc wrote: »

It sounds like your wife might have pnd, how was her day today , how is she sleeping, and how was baby today

Op I understand that you r having a rough time but your life is easy compared to your wife's at the minute so put yourself in her shoes

You not getting along with the inlaws must also be upsetting and stressful for her as this is suppose to be a time of joy and with this war going on I doubt joy is a way to describe it

My advise to you is make peace with your inlaws for your marriages sake, be a punch bag (obviously not literally) for your wife and comfort her and most importantly try get her to see a doctor

If you want your marriage to work it will but you need to help your wife get help and know what battles to loose so the war can be won so choose carefully

xzanti

Post Natal Depression, Dad11

edellc

Dad11 wrote: »

Link to thread I posted earlier.in year to clarify a few points here http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2056557041?page=1#post_77232769

Regardless of what happened 9 mths ago you are dealing with the here and now and we only hear your side which is painting you as squeeky clean

Op you can't change the past but you can change today so stop living back then and live for now

You wife is having a rough time would it of killed you to ring and say you were caught up in work and would be late rather than ringing her after the fact

If the calling of names and temper is uncharacteristic of your wife obviously something is wrong we don't need to hear the background of 9mths ago she needs help now, so maybe get off the internet and spend some time with her see if she does need to see a doctor

If I sound harsh then u apologize, but life is short op so you have to love with passion, listen with both ears , and take action rather than talking about it, are your inlaws really worth your marriage being destroyed...b the bigger person

Queen-Mise

Do you know that a 60/40 percentage at the moment is pretty damn good bearing in mind how old the baby is.

Give the woman a break will ya... She is at home looking after a newborn, it is damn stressful. I'd suggest two half days in a creche not one full day - Tues/Thurs morning or afternoon. That breaks up the week really well and also wouldn't be that expensive either.

I was utterly insane and a BITCH during pregnancy and the early months. I was not one of those women who took to pregnancy and babies like a duck to water; it wasn't graceful or pretty. I'd say I called my husband far worse things than cnut and such things. If words could kill he would have been dead a thousand times

At this stage let the whole lot over your head. At the moment this situation isn't about you. It is about you supporting your wife, taking the brunt of the stress/anger (unfortunately the one closest gets it)... Grin and bear it. It will get better.

I wouldn't mention the Post-Natal Depression at all, it doesn't sound like it to me at all (but then I am not a doctor). If you are concerned - say it to her sister who you are talking too & get her to bring in up. You don't need to be in the bad books anymore.

My last comment is going to my harshest - I think you are being very self-centred and selfish. This situation is not about you. If you wife is behaving 'childish' - it is probably because she is half insane with tiredness and stress, a 7 month old doesn't bring out the best in any of us => childishness. I think the childishness is on your part for not recognizing this.

It must have been some kick in the teeth for her to have you going to counselling. It was far too soon after a baby to even consider it for her. The hormones don't come back right until six months after birth.

Support, support & support. Spoil her. Remind her why you are married to her and why you fell in love with her.

You have to take marriage with the rough and smooth. It would be very short-sighted to consider anything else at the moment. All these 'tests' make for a better marriage when you come through them.

Dad11

I think it's best we split. We don't work well as a Team. I feel nothing I say is valued. As a result I doubt myself all the time. When I take a step back I am accused of being a crap father. Tonight our son is really upset. It was same last night. He is teething but also I think there is something else.What I mean is he is picking up on Tension. A few mins ago he dodey was thrown onto floor. I was looking for it, stumbled backwards and moved cot slightly, my wife started to have a go at me. Unfortunately I raised my voice and upset baby. I am so angry at myself. These are reasons why I think we should split! It is not good between us anymore! I want want's best for him and the last 9 months I have loved and enjoyed, my new son has arrived. It has also been incredibly strrssful on our marriage. I have tried to patch things up with Mother in Law. She is not interested! My wife's sister and father talk to me that's it. Although her sister and I were once very.close. This is no more. I am signing off now wishing from the bottom of my heart that I had not raised my voice.and upset my son! :'(

pwurple

Oh man, I just read the end of that old thread. Drama drama drama.

And the post above about you shouting and frightening the baby? Then threatening divorce?

Dude. Seriously.

Calm the fook down and stop taking every damned thing so personally.

Dad11

I called her at 17:10. I was supposed to leave work at 16:30. I called at earliest opportunity. The nature.of.my job.didnt.allow me to call sooner.

edellc wrote: »

Regardless of what happened 9 mths ago you are dealing with the here and now and we only hear your side which is painting you as squeeky clean

Op you can't change the past but you can change today so stop living back then and live for now

You wife is having a rough time would it of killed you to ring and say you were caught up in work and would be late rather than ringing her after the fact

If the calling of names and temper is uncharacteristic of your wife obviously something is wrong we don't need to hear the background of 9mths ago she needs help now, so maybe get off the internet and spend some time with her see if she does need to see a doctor

If I sound harsh then u apologize, but life is short op so you have to love with passion, listen with both ears , and take action rather than talking about it, are your inlaws really worth your marriage being destroyed...b the bigger person

Dad11

So silly it all is. I.agree with you.! I am so ashamed!!!!!

pwurple wrote: »

Oh man, I just read the end of that old thread. Drama drama drama.

And the post above about you shouting and frightening the baby? Then threatening divorce?

Dude. Seriously.

Calm the fook down and stop taking every damned thing so personally.

pwurple

Dad11 wrote: »

So silly it all is. I.agree with you.! I am so ashamed!!!!!

Get off the internet, go apologise. Get your stressed out wife either a nice cup of tea and a biscuit or a glass of wine. Tidy up the kitchen or do something else helpful (quietly!) and relax.

Don't be surprised if she doesn't fall at your feet with gratitude. You might get a begruding snort after your behaviour.

edellc

Dad11 wrote: »

I called her at 17:10. I was supposed to leave work at 16:30. I called at earliest opportunity. The nature.of.my job.didnt.allow me to call sooner.

Dude you make it your business, your marriage is more important than a stupid job

And you last post ..... Seriously stop with the self pity no wonder your wife is behaving like she is she has no help and its all about you and just because its gotten tough you head for the door, typical.....

Maybe she is better without you because what she needs is her partner to be strong and to stop being so selfish and put her needs over yours, so what if you don't get on with the inlaws its about you, your wife and your child NOT about inlaws

edellc

Forgot to say


Go make her a bloody cup of tea, gave a tidy up and just be there, you will both get through this

Hannibal Smith

doubletrouble? wrote: »

considering this thread is staying where it is i'll give it a go.
dad, if i may call you that . by the sounds of things nothing has got easier since feb it just seems to have stabled out.i mentioned P.N.D because it's the first thing that came to mind.the main thing is you and your wife are still together after all this time and strain so both of you must be doing something good.
most of the posters here are women, no offence girls . being a parent is no easy feat. now coming from a mans point of view. last week i learned a really hard lesson of being a parent. i was up at 5am when i got home from work i'd let the au pair go then continue with the twins,p/cat would also help when she got home from work till about 8pm. by the end of the week i was fit to kill. .i can honestly say this that looking after a baby and the pressure that goes with it must be one of the hardest jobs in life.my point is this.stress and being on the go from first thing till last thing does take it's toll on both parents.the most important thing is whether we like/want it or not we do need a break from the baby/babies, sometimes from each other espec if we're under each others feet 24/7.in other words we need "our" time.being parents of young babies will test and strain even the strongest of marriages.in times of stress we say things in the spur of the moment that we later regret.it's human nature.

What has the gender of posters got to do with their posts? Does it dilute our posts or suggestions somehow because they come from a female perspective? What a strange thing to say, considering you yourself have sought help and advice from us mere females.

As for the op, maybe it is for the best you split. Some marriages don't make it through the first year, maybe yours is one of them. If its having a negative effect on your son then that's your answer.

Your wife could get back in touch with her family and get the support she needs from them and you will be free of all the negativity from her family.

Just be absolutely sure its what you want, because once you suggest it there is no going back.

dublinlady

In my opinion this thread is very negative. Excuse my naivety but I feel marriage should be fought for. It's not easy. You have to work at it. I agree with posts which imply you have more effort to make, but I still think the biggest issue here is communication. Talk to your wife - there is an element of self pity about your messages so maybe pull yourself together and try to see the over all picture more clearly. But I think your getting more than necessary abuse here - your here for support and I think it's a place you should be able vent - of course that does invite opinion - which you can choose to take something from it if you like or not.
My only big opinion is communicate better - learn to listen and be more considerate - and you should expect the same from your wife whether she's had a baby or not.
Good luck

doubletrouble?

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

What has the gender of posters got to do with their posts? Does it dilute our posts or suggestions somehow because they come from a female perspective? What a strange thing to say, considering you yourself have sought help and advice from us mere females.

far from it hannibal again coming from a mans point of view i welcome and will always welcome suggestions from any of the females in here while most of the time i dont have time to post i do make it my business to read all your posts as i find most of the positive ones most educational. as the saying goes "mother always knows best". i'd be the first to admit that i always ask purplecat for her advice on a daily basis when it comes to the twins. yes when it comes to them i know absolutely nothing.so in that sense i do think gender has a big part to play in raising children. i think when it comes to gender both species go through and react completely differently to exactly the same thing. a perfect example is the stress of any one day. if i'm really stressed i just want to get out but with purple she would be going through the same stress but deal with it differently.
but as i said in my first post of this thread i felt and still fell the thread was and is more suited to the personal issues forumn.
i do think gender has a big part to play in raising children.
sorry for going off the topic but
if i maybe so bold hannibal i think you might have touched on a good new thread and that would be " does gender make a difference when it comes to raising children"
getting back to the o.p's problem
it really sounds like you have severe maritial problems and theres only two people in this world that can try and sort /save it and this is a must. both sides must be willing to work on saving the marriage or whats left of it.

iguana

I thought this in your previous thread and reading this I still see it now. I don't think you are particularly supportive of your wife at all. You seem very wrapped up in what you want, what you feel, how everything affects you, etc. I know that having a baby is a seismic event in both your lives and you both need time to adjust and learn how to deal with the new dynamics in your lives. I know this is hard on you but whatever you are going through, your wife is most likely going through more. She needs to be able to lean on you and to trust in your support. She needs you to help her and listen to her and not dismiss her as childish. She definitely doesn't need to be worried that you are about to leave.

You think that one of the reasons this is so hard is because your son is picking up on the tensions between you? Well what are you doing to ease those tensions? You are a grown man, a husband and this boy's father. Put your own feelings aside for a little while and do what you can to ease the situation, if for no other reason than you owe it to your son. Do more to help your wife. If she feels stuck rocking the pram back and forth for an hour ask her how you can help. Would she like you to make the dinner while she continues, or at least a cup of tea. Would she like you to push the pram for a bit. Maybe suggest a walk together so the baby stays in the pram as she clearly wants. You may disagree with the idea of keeping the baby in the pram, and you may be completely right in the long run but coming in, taking over and doing things your way when she is disagreeing with what you are doing is not the way to go about changing things. That's actually just completely childish and guaranteed to resolve nothing in the long run.

January

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Well you definitely should! Your husband is being emotionally abusive. Call Womens Aid and get the strength to stand up to this man. You're 1000 times better off without him.

Hannibal Smith

Blubble99 wrote: »

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That's the difference between what is normal new parent tiredness and abuse, which is why I've asked a few times whether his wife's behaviour is typical, or if its a once off.

What you are going through is abuse, and not because it is the man hurling the insults, but because the abuse is constant, systemic and is done in a way to demean you as a person and a parent and has left you in fear.

Marriage should only be worked on when there is something civil to protect. No one should stay together just because they have a child. If you can't work together at the newborn stage, the toddler disciplining stage will be a nightmare.

No one deserves the treatment you describe. Do you have family you can go to?

edellc

Blubble99 wrote: »

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What your going through is abuse nothing like what is going in with the op

Firstly you need to decide if you want your marriage to work it if you have had enough

Either way do seek help from women's aid or speak to your gp .... If you can after thus you need to see if your husband will attend a councilor with you, that is if you want to try save your marriage

I know how tough it is going from a active and challenging career to being a stay at home mam, likewise with now only one income coming in to feed three mouths that makes an already difficult situation harder, yes we all get stressed and yell and say things we don't mean or that are uncharacteristic but running you down and being verbally abusive are not the actions of someone who loves you.

If you have family you can turn to please do if not please seek the help and support you need

Stay strong for that baby, peace and love xx

Stheno

Blubble99 wrote: »

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If your family are supportive talk to them, and enlist their help, you sound like you are in an awful position.

You can leave him and get support, much and all as I dislike the Irish family law system, it will support you as the mother, he cannot get custody unless he proves you are an unfit mother.

Get help, take it, and move on.

As someone who has been in an abusive relationship I urge you to do so. Otherwise you will lose your sense of self, your self worth and question every decision you make.

edellc

Blubble99 a baby doesnt make a relationship better it just makes the rips into giant holes and if there where problems before baby I doubt its all going to be mended now. So if you have family you can move in with until you and your hubby can come to some sort of civilised agreement then do it as your baby needs you to be strong.

Irish laws stands with the mother so your hubby can threatening this and that about getting baby taken away but it wont happen you have to be seriously putting the life of the child in danger before they will give full custody to the babys daddy, so dont feel worried about that.

If your worried about what happens once you move onto the floor of a relative then dont, you ring women aid and they will help you. You can also go to your local council they will assess your needs in relation to housing and if you are sleeping on the sitting room floor of a relative they will put you in emergency accommodation until they can find you social housing, you can also apply for loan parents from the social welfare, who may also advise you to go to your community welfare officer who can assist you on private rentals along with rent allowance if needs be and assist you with funding all this. And further along the line there is court maintenance to apply for, I know of people who have been in abusive situations and there is help out there but you need to be brave to take the first steps and get out and then ask for help.

Its a million miles away from the board room and I'm sure you are shaking your head asking how you ended up in this position, but life has a way of throwing these things at us and for every dark cloud there is a silver lining, for now yours is your child and it is better and healthier for him to have happy parents and this some times means they are apart.

I'm also sure your partner doesnt like being the person he has become, so even a break from the relationship to see if that is what you both want and if so, far enough but if not then you both seek and go to counselling to over come this but something has to give as its not a healthy environment for all three of you

littlemissfixit

To get back to original post, you are getting a hard enough time on here, you may be self-centered and not supportive I dont know you so I wont make assumption, if you were looking for people's pity well you didn't get it anyway so I'll try something that may help you if its help you are looking for.

I do think dads get forgotten sometimes, its hard for them too... but it shouldnt be a contest of who has the hardest life (I made that mistake for a while), its a partnership and you should give as much as you can, not count how much each is giving!

-There is never any excuse for name-calling and abuses, that goes both ways, stay at home or not, tired or not. Dont rise to it yourself if it happens, dont raise your voice in any argument. I know easier said than done, but make it your job of staying calm, otherwise you will only feed the fire.

-Forget about the inlaws, dont talk about it, be civil if you have to meet but ignore any attempt of interference coming directly from them or indirectly from them through your wife... choose your battles and if you engage in this one you'll probably lose it.

-If your not doing so already, when your finish your "work shift" remember that your home shift is only starting and it should be 50/50 in my view, take the baby or do house work. Ask your wife what would be helpful for you to do (and make sure its in a non-patronising way!) If she bites your head off, still go off and do something you think would be useful, even if you feel resentful. If she is overwhelmed and has been for the last few months, she is in an even worst place than you are so Im afraid you have to be the rock here, you are probably tired and overwhelmed too, but you cant begin to imagine what hormones do on top of that.

-You say you've done counselling and she hasnt, when she is in a good way, try to suggest it again, not that "she should see a counsellor" but that "you would love for the two of you to see one to help make things better", do not make it an ultimatum, do not make it about the problem, make it about the possible improvment it could bring for the three of you to be happy.

-She needs her time off, you need your time off, and you need your time off together. If it is at all possible, have a sitter or creche for at least one day/week but better still two, make one of them a day she is on her own so she will really have time just for herself, and the second one a day for the two of you and make sure you dont talk about baby or parenting, try getting back to the people you were before.

You've been married for years and I presume it was a good marriage at some point, it is worth fighting for.
Make a massive effort, not for ever, but for a good while, encourage her to talk to you when she is calm you will find out a lot about what is going on for her, she cant be happy if she seems so angry, discuss it not in the heat of the moment... Do that with all your heart for a while, in the meantime the baby will probably get easier (it never gets easy by the way, just easier!), this is not a time to split, its time to give it a chance. If the baby gets easier but the relationship doesn't than it may be time to rethink. Babies can pick up on everything granted but dont add the guilt on top of the problems you two have already, the best thing you can do for this baby is sort it out, if thats not possible I do believe that happy parents apart are better than an unhappy couple for any child but thats just an opinion.



Sorry for the lenght, hope it is concrete and most of all helpful.

Dad11

It's really hard I am making mistakes but learning fast. Unfortunately today ny son was napping in kitchen, i.got a glass of water which is something I always do. My son woke up after being asleep for 45 mins. My wife then shouted at me said I was a selfish prick and called me a retard! I'm not perfect, I make mistakes but name calling is so low. I didn't rise to it. My.main worry is my son and what he see's. I just dont know what to do anymore. I have spoken to my wife when she is calm and she agrees it's out of order. Still happens though! For now I am gonna worry about what I can control! Just don't know what I am gonna do and what's best for my boy because I love him!!

dollybird2

I do feel for you, it sounds like a difficult time in your house. I can also relate to your wife though and the flying off the handle. Nothing prepares anybody, mam or dad, for the arrival and upheaval of a new baby. I found it particularly hard as a new mother for the things that nobody warns you about, the loss of my body & figure to the markings of a baby, the loss of my identity to an extent, the inability to just decide and go somewhere or meet somewhere without a plan that had to be carried out with military precision but yet never went to plan.

From the sounds of your posts I don't think your wife has PND, I think she sounds frustrated and weary and of course the person that you take that out on is the one that is closest to you. I called my husband some awful things out of pure frustration.

What worked for us, and could possibly work for you I hope, was sitting down and talking candidly about our feelings with the set up. These feelings ranged from exhaustion to guilt to vindication. Although I love my baby I needed a break. We set out a rota where bottles etc were allocated and I had my time out. Even though he was working I wanted him to shoulder some responsibility for our baby. For my time out I got out of the house, walk, drive - anything just for some me time. Even though I'm now back at work we kind of keep our rota and have consideration for each other's needs.

It may just be that your wife is feeling frustrated which leads to her being angry and then defensive. I am not defending her behaviour and I do feel for you, I am just trying to give another mother's experience. Good luck.

Dad11

My son is getting his first tooth amazing milestone. Wife and I had good chat. Happier house this week. Thanks to all thosr who provided constructive advice!!! :-)

Stheno

Dad11 wrote: »

My son is getting his first tooth amazing milestone. Wife and I had good chat. Happier house this week. Thanks to all thosr who provided constructive advice!!! :-)

Good for you, glad to hear it:)

Sparklygirl

I am not going to write a long winded reply. I simply have one thing to say- no person in a relationship should be called an asshole/c*nt/retard etc. That is unacceptable.