She's putting on weight, complains, but does nothing about it.

LegacyUser

This is so hard for me to talk about, but recently my girlfriend has started putting on weight. Now it wasn't much of an issue to me but she kept putting it on. She complains about it, while also firing messages across suggesting that I dare not mention she needs to lose weight. It's gotten to the stage where it's annoying me that's she's putting on weight and doing nothing about it. It's beginning to be quite noticeable. I feel that it might come to a head but I feel trapped in that I wouldn't dare end it with her because of her weight/laziness, I'd come off as an asshole.
She was so much happier and outgoing before she put this weight on, now she refrains from going out to meet my friends fearing they might judge her based on it. I try to be reassuring and supportive, but at what point do you agree with your gf that they are out of shape when they bring it up and suggest they should try and get fitter?


I try to keep in shape for myself and for her, am I wrong to think she should at least try to do the same?

Colonel Panic

Weight gain can be a result of comfort eating due to psychological issues or a medical thing. Is it either of those? Can you try talking to her about the root cause not the result? If she's going on about it and not doing anything about it something is up.

Regarding looking like an asshole, my Dad once warned me that telling a girl she's overweight is seriously out of bounds and he's right, it never goes well, but sometimes you get backed up against a wall where you're with someone you aren't attracted to and not really interested in anything physical.

In the long run, you'll have to find a way to talk to her, or end it. Either way, you're in for some pain. If you want to be with her, then it's worth it I guess!

Ickle Magoo

Frustrated and trapped wrote: »

...I wouldn't dare end it with her because of her weight/laziness, I'd come off as an asshole.

I don't think you would - or at least you shouldn't - I don't know why sudden weight gain, moaning about it and refusing to rectify the issue should be viewed differently to any of the other myriad of things that can put us off being romantically involved with someone.

If you want your girlfriend, you just want her to lose the weight and be happier in herself then say just that. It's a fixable problem - if you were drinking too much and that affected how she viewed you then I'm sure you'd expect her to broach the issue and try to help - so do the same. Discuss it away from the bedroom but in private so if she gets upset she isn't going to be embarrassed and resent you kicked it all off in public. Try to find out why she's eating more, if there is an underlying issue that once addressed could help matters. Offer to help, offer to cook healthy meals, offer to go jogging or swimming together, etc, etc.

All the best. :cool:

floorpie

Not that it makes a difference, but might there be some other reason than overeating for her sudden weight gain and simultaneous change in mood? E.g. going on/off some form of hormonal contraceptive.

S23

You have to talk to her about it. Simple as that. It's not easy and it's not nice but you have to do it. It may well be awkward and she may throw a fit but tough luck for her.

To put it quite simply if you started going out with/fell for a girl who was slim/average and outgoing and friendly and you're now going out with a 16 stone whinger then you're more than entitled to not be attracted to her. If she's no longer the person you fell for then you're allowed not like it.

From your post it seems obvious she is aware she is putting on/needs to lose weight. She needs to work out wtf is going on. It might be a contraceptive thing or it might be a psychological thing. There is also the chance that she might just be lazy and enjoy stuffing her face but not enjoy trying to work it off. Who knows? None of us on here thats for sure.

So talk to her about it and try and get to the bottom of the problem

One thing that worries me about your post, though, is this

I wouldn't dare end it with her because of her weight/laziness, I'd come off as an asshole.

You wouldn't end it with her because you'd look bad? That's hardly a sign of great commitment towards her. Not wanting to look bad isn't really a valid reason for staying in a relationship with someone

mspink

If youre going to broach the subject with her be really careful, this is such a sensitive subject for most women. It's very personal and most of us wanna think that our boyfriends will be attracted no matter what we look like but obviously that's not realistic. Maybe suggest you join a gym together or start walking together. Be encouraging rather than making her feel worse about herself because that will make things 10 times worse!

curlzy

She sounds like me when I was on the pill. Piled on weight, got moany and irrational. I came off the pill and am now 8 stone and my happy self again. So yeah maybe a trip to the GP to figure out what's happening with her. Assuming of course its not a simple answer of eating loads suger.

doyle61

OP, you say that she moans about putting on weight so in other words she's bringing the subject up. What I'm getting at is you don't have to bring the subject up at all, and end up getting it thrown back at you. Just have your discussion pre planned and just wait for her to bring up the subject. That way you get to say what you want, you can offer ideas on how to loose weight and the best bit is you can't be seen as a pr!ck as she's the one inisating the conversation. That's what ild do anyway

lumjm

ok how much weight are we talking here? I mean was she a healthy weight and now just gained a few pounds that she says she's unhappy with but not doing anything about, or is it heading towards obese/unhealthy weight gain? Are you frustrated/annoyed because you are becoming disgusted by her? The best thing to do is lead by example, don't comment on her weight gain, start working out more yourself and try and include her in going running etc. Take an interest in your own health and fitness and if after a while she shows no interest in joining you and improving her health then you know you've done what you can and should, and that the two of you are ultimately incompatible.

LegacyUser

Sorry it took me so long to reply...

Thanks for all your advice people, she hasn't brought the subject up again yet but I will try and talk to her about it if she does. To address the hormonal/pill possibility, she's been on the same pill for a long time so the weight gain is unlikely to be that reason, she's generally eating bad food, and then just lounging around her house getting no exercise.
She was never what I would considerer to be thin, just normal, but now she's definitely overweight, not obese though. It's just a situation I'd rather not be in.... She would definitely not join a gym, I just know. The most exercise she's done in the past is going on a walk, I never thought walking would do much for anyone.

coolcat63

You're right - exercise alone won't solve the problem, it'll only work up an appetite! Do you live together? Can you take over the food shopping/cooking?

LegacyUser

Frustrated and trapped wrote: »

Sorry it took me so long to reply...

Thanks for all your advice people, she hasn't brought the subject up again yet but I will try and talk to her about it if she does. To address the hormonal/pill possibility, she's been on the same pill for a long time so the weight gain is unlikely to be that reason, she's generally eating bad food, and then just lounging around her house getting no exercise.
She was never what I would considerer to be thin, just normal, but now she's definitely overweight, not obese though. It's just a situation I'd rather not be in.... She would definitely not join a gym, I just know. The most exercise she's done in the past is going on a walk, I never thought walking would do much for anyone.

Walking can do alot if it's fast, regular and a good distance.

OP, talk to her. You have every right too. Suggest going for walks with her? Go hiking together? Squash? Cook healthy meals together? Her becoming overweight chances the basis of your relationship. Being with someone who lives an unhealthy life style can affect your own lifestyle, and it's depressing to be around, so you have every right to address this. Just be supportive, not down on her. Let her know you consider this problem 'big' enough to want to help.

LegacyUser

coolcat63 wrote: »

You're right - exercise alone won't solve the problem, it'll only work up an appetite! Do you live together? Can you take over the food shopping/cooking?

We don't live together so that's not an option, you're right though, if we did live together it'd be easier to have more of an effect on the situation.

Gilldog

Hi OP,

Firstly, you shouldn't feel bad for wanting her to take care of herself if you put in the effort. Me and my ex used to go to the gym together and it was really motivating to know that he really appreciated the effort I was putting in. Plus the amazing feeling after a workout is a real confidence booster.
While I agree that its probably a symptom of something else, if she refuses to talk about it then you're kind of stuck.

Maybe you could bring up the idea of new years resolutions...if you have a specific fitness goal for yourself you could talk to her about it and then ask her if she has one/ suggest something.
Or perhaps you could sit her down and say that you are concerned that she is not as social as she used to be, that she seems unhappy etc...ignoring the weight issue until she brings it up.

If she opens up about how the weight is making her feel you can just be supportive and suggest activities you could do together.

I know that she is a grown up and it's not your job to babysit her through getting fit, but some encouragement and a work out buddy is really important in the early stages.

I know because im feeling the same myself at the moment, have put on a few pounds over the last few months and while its probably not enough for others to notice it has really affected my confidence, and more importantly my motivation.

Best of luck

up for anything

S23 wrote: »

To put it quite simply if you started going out with/fell for a girl who was slim/average and outgoing and friendly and you're now going out with a 16 stone whinger then you're more than entitled to not be attracted to her. If she's no longer the person you fell for then you're allowed not like it.

Most relationships and marriages would break up based on this advice. :rolleyes:

OP, maybe she has a thyroid problem - that would account for the lack of energy and motivation to keep her weight down plus would account for the weight creeping up. It's a bit of a vicious circle.

If you love your girlfriend, a vibe I'm not getting from your posts, I'd be very careful how you approach the subject. However, my feeling from what you say is that your are fed up of her and hanging your discontent on the weight/not doing anything about it issue. You haven't mentioned that you are worried about her health or state of mind, only how it is annoying you.

Just finish with her and don't worry about coming across as an asshole. What does it matter how you look to other people as long you know the truth. Ending it will be better for both of you in the long run.

braintoxic

Its always the same . A lot off people here yet again missed the most important point .he is obviously annoyed this is happening and all ppl say is "talk to her " . Did ye read a different post to me?? .. she is allowed say "im getting fat" but he better not ever mention it. Im betting she says to him she wont join a gym because i feel too big , im not going out because im too big for all my clothes . Iv nothing to wear.i hate how i look , how can u be attracted to me,i have to lose this weight , il start a diet tomorrow, BUT!!! ..If he even suggests they excersice together r lets eat healthy she will attack him. He said her weight is getting noticable but he still has to tell her she looks fine. She can criticise herself but OMFG he better not ..... Your in an abusive relationship and my advice is you should leave .in her mind she is more important than you . Her feelings towords how she feels about herself are more important to her than how she feels avout you.

blatantrereg

Frustrated and trapped wrote: »

This is so hard for me to talk about, but recently my girlfriend has started putting on weight. Now it wasn't much of an issue to me but she kept putting it on. She complains about it, while also firing messages across suggesting that I dare not mention she needs to lose weight. It's gotten to the stage where it's annoying me that's she's putting on weight and doing nothing about it. It's beginning to be quite noticeable. I feel that it might come to a head but I feel trapped in that I wouldn't dare end it with her because of her weight/laziness, I'd come off as an asshole.
She was so much happier and outgoing before she put this weight on, now she refrains from going out to meet my friends fearing they might judge her based on it. I try to be reassuring and supportive, but at what point do you agree with your gf that they are out of shape when they bring it up and suggest they should try and get fitter?


I try to keep in shape for myself and for her, am I wrong to think she should at least try to do the same?

Better to tell her than not to tell her until the spark is lost or you break up...Still not going to be a nice thing for her to hear.

I'd try a positive indirect approach. Talk about solutions without even mentioning the problem...Suggest shared activities like tennis or hillwalking or going to the gym. Even suggest training for a marathon! Talk about how ****ty processed carbs are and suggest nice ways of preparing vegetables and salads. Things like that..

Ickle Magoo

braintoxic, welcome to PI - please note that text speak is not permitted in this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

james.xix

I'm open for criticism for this but I've no respect for people who put on what can be considered excessive weight and does nothing about it. I remember after Christmas last year having put on a good few pounds and needing new jeans and belts! I could easily have done nothing about it but I got back running after Christmas and burned off the excess weight. I'll be more careful this Christmas.

I've known a woman to bring up about her weight. By talking about it so much she's actually made you more aware of it that it might have been. I've heard some women say they've read it in magazines that if they talk about it, they are actually making their fella more aware of it.

At the end of the day it's her body. If she's not happy with the weight she's put on, she has to do something about it. You seem a reasonable fella. You should offer to help and give examples of floor exercises or something that she can start with. Get her out walking as well, you join her. If she make an effort fair play to her. If she doesn't, you will naturally lose respect for her, regardless of what anyone on here says.

You'll know yourself what you'll do then. It won't be black and white case of whether you stay with her or not. Life is clearly made up of lots of shades or green in between. You in your heart of hearts know your feelings for her and the level of respect you have for her. If I was in your position, if I had enough of her talk and lack of effort, I'd possibly end it. But who am I or anyone else to say?

Talk is cheap. Action speaks louder that words. It's up to her.

Colonel Panic

I agree with you. It's ridiculous to play this "If you loved me you wouldn't care" card. Physical attraction in a relationship is important.

If the OP has to listen to his girlfriend complain about her own weight but actually taking part in the discussion is off limits, what the hell is he supposed to do?

mspink

Colonel Panic wrote: »

I agree with you. It's ridiculous to play this "If you loved me you wouldn't care" card. Physical attraction in a relationship is important.

If the OP has to listen to his girlfriend complain about her own weight but actually taking part in the discussion is off limits, what the hell is he supposed to do?

Just be sensitive about it, put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would feel. Ive had issues with my weight all of my life so I know what its like. I've recently lost all of the weight but I couldn't do it until I was ready. She wants support from you that's why she's mentioning it. In my opinion if you truly love her and she's only put on a few pounds it shouldn't be this much of an issue.

braintoxic

mspink wrote: »

Just be sensitive about it, put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would feel. Ive had issues with my weight all of my life so I know what its like. I've recently lost all of the weight but I couldn't do it until I was ready. She wants support from you that's why she's mentioning it. In my opinion if you truly love her and she's only put on a few pounds it shouldn't be this much of an issue.

mspink with the gretest respect i think you have chosen to pick what suited you from the post , did u miss .........This is so hard for me to talk about, but recently my girlfriend has started putting on weight. Now it wasn't much of an issue to me but she kept putting it on. She complains about it, while also firing messages across suggesting that I dare not mention she needs to lose weight. It's gotten to the stage where it's annoying me that's she's putting on weight and doing nothing about it. It's beginning to be quite noticeable. I feel that it might come to a head but I feel trapped in that I wouldn't dare end it with her because of her weight/laziness,....what part of this suggests she needs support from him ??.as he said he dare not mention it . i assume she would give him the silent treatment or fire abuse at him ..Please explain to me why he should support her when she abuses him,abuses herself and abuses their relationship to yhe point wherehe feels trapped .

mspink

braintoxic wrote: »

mspink wrote: »

Just be sensitive about it, put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would feel. Ive had issues with my weight all of my life so I know what its like. I've recently lost all of the weight but I couldn't do it until I was ready. She wants support from you that's why she's mentioning it. In my opinion if you truly love her and she's only put on a few pounds it shouldn't be this much of an issue.

mspink with the gretest respect i think you have chosen to pick what suited you from the post , did u miss .........This is so hard for me to talk about, but recently my girlfriend has started putting on weight. Now it wasn't much of an issue to me but she kept putting it on. She complains about it, while also firing messages across suggesting that I dare not mention she needs to lose weight. It's gotten to the stage where it's annoying me that's she's putting on weight and doing nothing about it. It's beginning to be quite noticeable. I feel that it might come to a head but I feel trapped in that I wouldn't dare end it with her because of her weight/laziness,....what part of this suggests she needs support from him ??.as he said he dare not mention it . i assume she would give him the silent treatment or fire abuse at him ..Please explain to me why he should support her when she abuses him,abuses herself and abuses their relationship to yhe point wherehe feels trapped .

Where in his post are you getting that she abuses him? Maybe I'm wrong but what I picked up from it is that he didn't know how to approach the subject so was giving my advice based on that.

braintoxic

she is putting on noticable weight and he is not allowed mention it .she can call herself fat but he has to say she looks fine .. thats abuse in my book . a relationship should be open and honest , do u think she is allowing him to be open.is she being honest .he feels trapped . is that ok??

mspink

braintoxic wrote: »

she is putting on noticable weight and he is not allowed mention it .she can call herself fat but he has to say she looks fine .. thats abuse in my book . a relationship should be open and honest , do u think she is allowing him to be open.is she being honest .he feels trapped . is that ok??

The post is going to go off topic if we continue this conversation so I'm just gonna leave it at what I said. I've given my advice based on what I've read and so have you so let's leave it to the op now to take what he wants from them.

Maple

Please stop bickering amongst yourselves and get back on topic.

Keep all replies constructive and directed towards the OP.

Maple

missbelle

Sounds like the girlfriend is stuck in a rut, she's lashing out at the op as she's obviously unhappy with letting the weight creep on. It's a bit of a catch 22 situation, although the op sounds like he is very patient and supportive. If that was me & my boyfriend, I'd want him to encourage/force me to join something with me to start getting more exercise and get the weight loss going.
Best of luck

Honey-ec

OP, you need to be blunt with her. About three years ago I put on a bit of weight - nothing major, about three quarters of a stone (I'm 5' 7" and went up to 11 stone), but I felt absolutely colossal and moaned about it all the time. My husband was very patient with me initially, but eventually he'd had enough and one day, after my 20-millionth whinge about none of my clothes fitting me, he just snapped at me "Well why don't you just fcuking do something about it, then?"

It was absolutely the kick up the arse I needed. I snapped out of my idiotic self-pity mode, lost the weight, and that was the end of that.

braintoxic

Thank you honey. Thats what iv been tring to say . Op good luck with whatever u decide

I am a friend

Honey-ec wrote: »

OP, you need to be blunt with her. About three years ago I put on a bit of weight - nothing major, about three quarters of a stone (I'm 5' 7" and went up to 11 stone), but I felt absolutely colossal and moaned about it all the time. My husband was very patient with me initially, but eventually he'd had enough and one day, after my 20-millionth whinge about none of my clothes fitting me, he just snapped at me "Well why don't you just fcuking do something about it, then?"

It was absolutely the kick up the arse I needed. I snapped out of my idiotic self-pity mode, lost the weight, and that was the end of that.

Absolutely right.... Its her choice to over eat and under exercise... Ive been there and done it and there was no one to blame other than myself. TBH, her mind games would put me off her (if I were male) nevermind her weight. Stop babying her and have an adult conversation with her telling her how her behaviour is affecting you and the relationship.... She needs to cop on.

LegacyUser

I'm not being smart but maybe you get buy her some bootcamp classes just to get her started on some kind of fittness regime, I know a few girls who do them and rave about them. I have seen different groups out training in the park near me and they seem to organise themselves to do races and various different challenges together, saw loads at the things like the womens mini marathon, runamuck and the race series in the phoenix park.

Personally I wouldn't really be into them but if somebody is not motivated to go out and exercise on their own at least if there is a group doing it they might be more likely to take part.
It won't solve her problem with the weight - shifting the weight is all about diet but if she is out exercising she might try and eat healthier.

Amazotheamazing

She's an adult, if she can't have an adult conversation, why are you with her?

I get the need to be sensitive and to protect her feelings, but only to a point, as the line goes, you can't always tell people what they want to hear if you also want to tell the truth.