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Would it be a deal breaker?

  • 04-08-2011 1:49pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,427 Morag
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    http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4GAGBV/www.good.is/post/dealbreaker-he-won-t-go-down-on-me/
    In our Dealbreakers series, exes report on the habit, belief, or boxer brief that ended the affair.

    Robert was shy before we went to bed together. We didn’t even kiss until our third date. But at the point of first contact, it was game-on: He gave my ass a firm squeeze and started stripping my clothes to the floor. With the lights off, he reached for a condom. His orgasm followed a few minutes later. Mine didn’t.

    He apologized for the unexpected climax, but I was only a little disappointed: My first time in bed with a partner is rarely something to write home about. Besides, I liked him. So instead of pouting, I smiled and pulled him closer to me. In my mind, we had more than enough time for his sexual redemption. After some cuddling and pillow talk, I kissed down his body, moving lower, lower, lower. Then I rolled over onto my back.

    “What do you want to do now?” Robert asked.

    “You could return the favor,” I suggested, smiling in his direction.

    “Oh,” he said. In the dark, I couldn’t make out his expression. He seemed even more hesitant than before we kissed. “I don’t really do that,” he said.

    “What?”

    “Yeah,” he said. “I just don’t like it.”

    He rolled back on top of me to do it in the missionary position. I let him. It wasn’t bad, but I was still turned on. Finally, I asked him if he was totally disinterested in going down. “I’m kind of scared,” he told me. He cited his experience with another girl who “tasted funny” and drove him away from trying it again. But as we continued to see each other, he insisted that if I gave him time to sort through his hang-ups, I would be rewarded for my patience. I agreed to wait and reasoned that he had to try it again sometime. Right?

    While Robert had abandoned cunnilingus after one sour taste, I had no such hang-ups. But when it came to going to bed with a straight guy who wouldn’t perform oral sex, there was no roadmap to articulate my experience. As Robert worked through his issues, I consulted the experts. Over drinks and late-night phone calls, friends told me that healthy relationships are give-and-take, not a one-way street. But online, sex columnists advised me never to coerce or pressure anyone into a sexual act he wasn’t comfortable with.

    I tried not to pressure Robert. Instead, I asked, regularly and often. But I continued to field the same tired refrain: “It could happen. Very soon. I’m thinking about it.”

    When direct inquiry didn’t work, I tried physical strategies. Before sex, I’d rush to the bathroom to wash between my legs, making sure I smelled clean and soapy. I wore the kinds of panties that practically screamed to be removed with teeth rather than hands: satins, lace-covered bottoms, delicate and uncomfortable thongs. My hair was already trim, but in a vainly transparent effort to please him, I shaved every last bit of it. None of it worked.When Robert shook his head “no”—or worse yet, ignored my attempts to jump-start oral sex that went both ways—I felt ugly, rejected, and disrespected. I should have stopped going down on him, but I didn’t.

    Neither one of us ever felt a strong calling to a monogamous commitment, so I managed to stick with our quasi-open arrangement for well over two years. In technical terms, we had agreed to date other people, but only have sex with each other. At least, those were the terms under which Robert claimed to operate. Privately, I saw things a little differently. In another city, I’d be hoisted onto a hotel sink without so much as a second thought. Sometimes, I’d meet with other partners in the same week I’d slept with Robert. And I didn’t feel guilty. I was desperate to have my body explored with eagerness rather than trepidation. I used protection and hoped that no one would feel betrayed.

    As time passed, sex between me and Robert felt increasingly like a failed negotiation. My feelings of rejection subsumed any enjoyment I experienced from intercourse. I denied it for months. He cared about me, yet sensed that I would leave if he ever said “never” to oral sex. So he strung me along with half-hearted promises for as long as we could both keep up the pretense.

    We broke up and got back together several times in those two years; there was always an excuse to hang out as friends and quickly reunite as lovers. But every time the on-again thrill wore away, I was left with a relationship totally lacking in emotional or physical depth. It became obvious that this was about more than just his distaste for oral intimacy. Let’s face it: Even his fingering was clumsy at best.

    After we broke up for the final time, I realized I didn’t miss Robert as much as I did clitoral stimulation. Now I know that I should never have had to choose. Sometimes, the best way to get what you want is to ask someone else.

    Found this in my reader and I wondered, would the lack of reciprocation of oral sex be a deal breaker or not for other women? I know it would be for me.

    Would it be a deal breaker? 78 votes

    Yes it would.
    0% 0 votes
    It wouldnt be in a short term relationship
    38% 30 votes
    It would be in a long term relatilonship.
    6% 5 votes
    No it wouldn't be not matter how long the relationship.
    26% 21 votes
    No Oral Sex at all thanks.
    23% 18 votes
    Atari orgasm.
    5% 4 votes


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 Ickle Magoo
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    It's not so much that I would deliberately call off an otherwise great relationship because of lack of oral. Tbh, I don't find men who find women's bodies squeamish or are reticent to enjoy my body due to finding my most intimate parts icky or pleasuring me unpleasant at all sexy - it does less than nothing for me in fact....and so it would be goodnight Vienna for that reason alone.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,512 baby and crumble
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    I'm in 2 minds about it. I genuinely don't understand how anyone wouldn't want to go down on a woman (seriously, it's awesome) and for there to be no give and take, no attempt to try something that they other person really wants, well... there has to be give and take in a relationship. But tbh the author of that piece sounds like a first class wagon, so...

    In my own life, it would probably be more of a deal breaker if the woman dind't like recieving oral, tbh.


  • CMod ✭✭✭✭


    we had agreed to date other people, but only have sex with each other. At least, those were the terms under which Robert claimed to operate. Privately, I saw things a little differently. In another city, I’d be hoisted onto a hotel sink without so much as a second thought.
    Maybe she should be asking if cheating is a dealbreaker

    Anyway, my response would the same as Ickle's


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 Maple
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    It wouldn't be the lack of oral that would make me call a halt to the relationship, but the fact that I felt I was pressurising him/coercing him into something, it would make me feel so uncomfortable and unattractive.

    It'd make me feel like having sex with me was a duty he felt he had to fulfill, like I was a burden. It'd really make me feel ugly.

    I've been in a position before whereby the guy I was seeing had less of a sex drive and had a lot of issues around sex, it was so demoralising and I felt so frustrated and as if there was something wrong with me because I wanted to have sex. I really and truly tried to understand but it was very much a factor in my ending our relationship.

    Sex should be fun and passionate and full of energy, I could not be in a relationship whereby I felt like I needed to entice my other half to enjoy my body. I want to be pounced on and I want passion, not a lack lustre effort that makes me feel ashamed of myself.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 34,788 krudler
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    Maple wrote: »
    I've been in a position before whereby the guy I was seeing had less of a sex drive and had a lot of issues around sex, it was so demoralising and I felt so frustrated and as if there was something wrong with me because I wanted to have sex. I really and truly tried to understand but it was very much a factor in my ending our relationship.

    Sexual compatibility is a hugely important part of a relationship whether people want to admit it or not, obviously you'd love to meet people that you have great sex with all the time, it may not happen on the first couple of attempts but once you both figure out what works (fun in itself) for the other person it becomes great. If they dont like what you like and vice versa it aint gonna work (within reason of course).


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  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 Maple
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    krudler wrote: »
    Sexual compatibility is a hugely important part of a relationship whether people want to admit it or not, obviously you'd love to meet people that you have great sex with all the time, it may not happen on the first couple of attempts but once you both figure out what works (fun in itself) for the other person it becomes great. If they dont like what you like and vice versa it aint gonna work (within reason of course).

    I agree that achieving great sex can take effort and work and compromise, it would be wonderful if we all had multiple orgasms the minute we slipped into bed with someone, but that's not real life.

    It's the will to want to learn tho that is important, and it has to be passionate and fun and there has to be honesty and a healthy curiousity.

    Sexual compatibility is a very big factor for me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,425 gargleblaster
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    Maple wrote: »
    It's the will to want to learn tho that is important, and it has to be passionate and fun and there has to be honesty and a healthy curiousity.

    I wish I could thank that twice. The initial period of getting to know each other's bodies, finding out what your partner likes or doesn't find so exciting, experiencing all the little things for the first time - none of it is going to go perfectly at first. Well very rarely anyway. :)

    But it has to be joyous and fun. If either party views it as a chore or has any ambivalence about it, it's probably not going to work out. Sure if both parties are ambivalent and view just getting to the orgasm as fast as possible as the best way to go about things, then they'd be compatible I suppose and that could work out splendidly. I just find that a quite depressing thought, myself. But to each their own.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,729 Acoshla
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    I'm actually the opposite here, I hate it, so if a guy really loved doing it and giving oral to his partner was a BIG thing for him I'd have to end it, that guy in the original article sounds perfect for me! :D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    I recently met a lovely guy, couldn't wait to have my way with him. We got down to it last week, was so excited to finally hop into bed with him but I was left feeling a little more than disappointed with it all. From previous meetings, I thought he seemed like someone who would suit me but that wasn't the case. He seemed not too interested in going at it much. I was hoping it was nerves or drink, but it took him a while the next morning to get going too.
    It was hard for me not to feel like I was a desperate horn dog. Especially when there seems to be so many guys out there gagging for it like me, and I felt a bit unsexy with I all too.
    He doesn't seem overly keen to meet up so soon again. I have no idea what is wrong as it may just need a bit of practice to get better


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,933 Logical Fallacy
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    Interesting one alright! It can be a weird one either way. I was in a relationship with a girl who didn't like giving oral sex...personally i very much enjoy giving so i had no issues. I won't pressure someone into something they don't like...it just strikes me that performing an act you are not enjoying will douse any passions going on at the time.

    Anyways, i told her i didn't mind her reticence but i was more than happy to continue giving oral as she quite enjoyed it and if i am honest i really enjoy making a sexual partner feel sexy and wanted. It's an important aspect of the dance to me if i find someone sexy i want them to feel as sexy as i find them.

    Anyways, as time went on she began to feel guilty for enjoying but not reciprocating and it started to become a big issue. She was still not willing to give oral...no problems from my end still...but she started to feel she didn't deserve to receive oral either and it kind of grew and grew until eventually she stated she didn't want to receive oral anymore, at all, ever.

    That was a bit of a blow as it is something that i genuinely enjoy doing and eventually the whole relationship fell apart due to the obvious sexual incompatibility.

    So in that case it all went a bit mental, girl enjoyed receiving but not giving, boy enjoyed giving and understood not receiving but I have to be honest and say i did have issues with not being able to give and she just couldn't understand how i would miss the giving more than the receiving.

    Once again i find myself completely in agreement with Maple...it's a two way street and can be a very fun journey.

    I personally don't think that looking for sexual compatibility, shared pleasures and a joint willingness to explore and discover each other is a bad thing and have been in enough relationships that fell apart due to differing sexual desires to understand that it's not a rarity for sex to have a major impact on happiness within a relationship.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    It's not a deal breaker for me because it's not something I enjoy. I will happily give but I don't like to receive. *shrug*


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,185 Snoopy1
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    God the woman in that article needs a slap. No wonder he was so reluctant, if she kept pushing it, and then when she didnt get what she wanted, sleeping with other people.

    Not a deal breaker for me, im not fussed if i get it or not. There are other ways to enjoy yourself ;)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,698 Princess Peach
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    I was in a relationship before where I never received oral, but I gave a lot. Never bothered me at all cause there was plenty of other ways to get me off, it only crossed my mind a few times and I never brought the subject up. This was my first serious sexual relationship though, didn't really know what to expect at the time if that makes sense.

    Now though I think I would miss it and if I was with someone new who was like the guy in the article maybe I would be trying to get him to try it. I think the key to the article isn't about oral sex, more sexual compatiblity really. With my current boyfriend there were a few things I was into that he had never tried before. What made it great for me was his willingness to try anything really. And there were some new things I tried for him, because I'm pretty open too.

    I know sex isn't the key to a good relationship but you have to admit it is a big factor. Maybe if things aren't gelling well in the bed it might seep into the rest of the relationship? Just a thought.

    I'd say the key to deal breakers in the bedroom is either partner's willingness to work on it. That article was awful. The girl made a lot of effort and the guy wasn't even willing to give it a try. And because he wouldn't she thought it was grand to sleep around behind his back. All sorts of problems there! I think that in a good relationship this willingness to change will be a lot better! I don't think these 2 really loved each other or neither would have behaved like that. If you are in a serious relationship you will be more open to trying your best to make the other person happy.


  • Posts: 50,630 [Deleted User]
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    Yes, it would :D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,286 WesternNight
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    Chinafoot wrote: »
    It's not a deal breaker for me because it's not something I enjoy. I will happily give but I don't like to receive. *shrug*

    Same as that. Seems we're very much in the minority! :o


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18,239 WindSock
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    Same as that. Seems we're very much in the minority! :o

    You two should get togeth...oh. wait :(


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 570 Count Duckula
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    Obviously I'm not a woman, so I apologise for my intrusion here, but it seems to me - as a man - that oral sex holds greater value for most women than it does for most men. Of course, in a general sense quid pro quo works excellently in the bedroom, and everything one partner does for another the other should be willing to try for them. No man or woman should expect oral when reticent to give it themselves.

    Now, there are some cases where a partner simply does not want to give oral. Personally, I believe that in most of those cases it is a sexual hang-up that can be worked on, but in situations where it is genuine dislike then a compromise must be reached - which means either a general lack of oral sex, or perhaps even ending the relationship as the sexual compatibility of the partners is obviously low.

    But, and this is my key point, in an average relationship, it will often be the case that a woman cannot reach orgasm from penetrative sex with her partner alone. Her male partner (for the sake of brevity I am assuming a straight couple), can. For him, oral sex is a very enjoyable slice of foreplay, but in most cases he will go on to obtain his orgasm from penetrative sex with his partner. For her, whilst she may enjoy the penetrative sex immensely, her orgasm will come from oral sex. It seems to me, therefore, that oral sex is more important to her than it is to him - that, in other words, it would not be unreasonable for a woman to still want to receive oral sex even if she is slightly reluctant to give it herself. To put it another way, a man who will receive oral sex without offering at least the same in return is a man who cares nothing for his partner's sexual gratification. And who wants a partner like that?


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,218 Wibbs
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    that, in other words, it would not be unreasonable for a woman to still want to receive oral sex even if she is slightly reluctant to give it herself. To put it another way, a man who will receive oral sex without offering at least the same in return is a man who cares nothing for his partner's sexual gratification. And who wants a partner like that?
    One could quite easily reverse that. A woman who will receive oral sex without offering at least the same in return is a woman who cares nothing for her partner's sexual gratification. Quid pro quo and all that by definition goes both ways. Speaking as a man I'd not last long with a woman who didn't like oral on both of us. If she gave it to me and didn't want it herself it would be a sticking point too. If she grudgingly did it to me or grudgingly let me do it to her even more so. I'd likely keep looking for someone more sexually compatible with me across the board(IME it tends to get worse not better if the basic preferences aren't there at the start). No likely about it. I've done so and on previous experience there are enough out there. I'm quite sure there are enough out there for either gender. It's a very important part of a relationship and I could never fathom why women or men would stick around when it was a source of frustration. :confused:

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 570 Count Duckula
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    Don't get me wrong, Wibbs, it gives me no end of frustration that somehow breaking up with someone due to sexual incompatibility is seen as a terrible reason. It's as if a woman or man who ends a relationship because of a sex-related issue is somehow a pervert or a nymphomaniac. A case of "if I can't have a good sex life neither should you" by the rest?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 700 nicowa
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    I was reading this yesterday so I stuck in my head when I was going to bed with himself last night. We've only been together since last Sept but we're now engaged and living together. It's all a bit mad.

    After a month or two together, during which I had been giving, I asked when it would be my turn. To which he had responded that he had simply never done it before. He was in a terrible marriage for just over 10 years, during which there was basically no sex - 1st kid was the accident that brought them together, 2nd was planned and the 3rd (5 years later) was some kind of miracle child he says.

    He's a quiet guy and hadn't really seen anyone in the intervening years so while I was a bit surprised I didn't really think too much of it.

    When I asked the first time he did, and the second or third time. But never without being asked - or very gently led.

    So he must have been reading my mind last night when he (TMI time) ripped off my underwear and went down on me.

    Now how do I put it to him that he might do it more often? :D


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 570 Count Duckula
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    Say to him, "what you did last night was amazing, I'd love you to do it more often!"

    Not being facetious, but sometimes being open about what you like and want is the best way to do things - especially if his only previous experience was with a woman with whom he did none of those things.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 700 nicowa
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    Not being facetious, but sometimes being open about what you like and want is the best way to do things - especially if his only previous experience was with a woman with whom he did none of those things.

    No, it's true. But you wouldn't believe how embarrassed he gets.... :rolleyes: so sweet...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    Unfortunately my latest experience was a guy who would happily receive but seemed quite squeamish when it was his turn. In fact it seemed like he was just trying to get it over with - very much a turn off as I'd be very giving as regards to sex and hate the idea of someone doing something cos they felt obligated. Funnily enough I had to tell him that shoving a girls head towards *that* region wasn't exactly the biggest turn on in the world...I know where it is!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 Abi
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    Wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, I'm not really that mad about it in the first place. Big differences in sex drive would be a much bigger problem for me. I've quite a high sex drive, and would be frustrated and unhappy with someone with a low one. I could see that being a deal-breaker alright.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,933 Logical Fallacy
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    nicowa wrote: »
    Now how do I put it to him that he might do it more often? :D
    Say to him, "what you did last night was amazing, I'd love you to do it more often!"

    Exactly, he is clearly a little self conscious about being "bad" at it...so let him know that you really enjoyed it and it will help him grow more confident and comfortable.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,404 Pembily
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    Total and utter deal breaker! It really p!sses me off when a person you're with expects to get but won't give :mad:/ And when guys push your head down there I simply refuse till I'm ready - it's just rude!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 700 nicowa
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    Say to him, "what you did last night was amazing, I'd love you to do it more often!"

    Not being facetious, but sometimes being open about what you like and want is the best way to do things - especially if his only previous experience was with a woman with whom he did none of those things.

    So I brought it up last night and went straight for it! :D Not wanting to jinx it or anything but I think we might have this one cracked!
    Exactly, he is clearly a little self conscious about being "bad" at it...so let him know that you really enjoyed it and it will help him grow more confident and comfortable.

    Oh he does be well aware of how much I enjoy things... :D you should see the smug grin on his face! :rolleyes: But, ya, he does need a bit of a push to go a bit further sometimes. And talking about the sex specifics is almost a no go. I'm working on a plan of attrition, he's not going to run away while we're having sex so that's the best time to start saying how much I enjoy certain things. I'll let you know how it goes.

    So I suppose in response to the poll, it would be a deal breaker if he made no effort at all. If he was unable to try. And if he genuinely didn't care enough to give it a proper shot (once is not enough).


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,207 jaffacakesyum
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    Would definitely be a deal breaker for me. But it'd also be a deal breaker if he or she didn't like receiving either.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 77 Jenna69
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    Chinafoot wrote: »
    It's not a deal breaker for me because it's not something I enjoy. I will happily give but I don't like to receive. *shrug*

    +1


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,246 ardinn
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    Its amazing how many women dont want it - and before you say im just bad at it :P they would stop you before your get past the belly button - it sucks because I love giving :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,073 sam34
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    I've only encountered one guy who wouldn't do it. and tbh, he was generally selfish in bed, when it was over for him it was automatically over for me too! it was his general unwillingness and disinterest in my pleasure that was the dealbreaker rather than just the oral sex.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,900 rannerap
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    If anything that would be my ideal situation. I cant stand anyone going down on me, It does absolutely nothing for me and guys often dont believe me and try pressure me into doing it anyway. I love to go down on guys, I just dont want the favour returned ever.I can come ever single time from sex with no problems, but a finger or tongue has never gotten me anywhere even close, I just dont ever want it because it does nothing for me and I just want to get straight to sex.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,028 --LOS--
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    ye I think it would be a deal-breaker, it's just being a selfish lover which is not good


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 458 Boxoffrogs
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    Given that I have never ever climaxed through penetrative sex, it would most certainly be a deal breaker for me. I'm not sure if I would feel differently if I could achieve orgasm without it as I really enjoy it.

    When I give oral to a guy, the response turns me on. I would hope that the guy would feel similar when reciprocating.

    Some good answers so far. I had no idea that it was so easy for some ladies to climax without the need for fingers or tongue.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,094 The Cool
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    I think it would be a deal breaker for me, because, as others have said, it'd make me wonder what was wrong with me that was stopping him doing it, I'd feel that he didn't have the same passion for me that I had for him and then it would make me feel very unsexy. Nobody wants to be made feel crap in bed. That does not make for a good sex life.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 beks101
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    Yeah, sort of would be a deal-breaker for me. The selfishness but maybe moreso, the fact that getting so close to down-there would be off-putting to him. In turn, I'd find that attitude very off-putting in someone I'm about to have sex with.

    I mean, giving head is hardly an aestethically joyous experience if you isolate it from the moment, but I enjoy it for the pleasure it gives my partner, that turns me on and when you get lost in the moment the 'aestethics' of it become part of it all. I don't like the idea of someone being squeamish and not desiring me in the same way I desire them. If it was a non-negotiable I don't think I'd be sticking around for long.


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