Hitting child, over-reaction

Snappy the Moose

Hi, I am probably stepping into the dragon's lair here but anyway I'm looking for some opinions.

Yesterday was the first time I ever belted my son, it was a nice little rasp that I am not proud of. Anyway, my wife stormed out and is threatening to get the guards onto me. I never hit him before and I was wrong but she is being a bit of a softcock imo.

The youngfella was a bit stand-offish but I bought him a bar and all was forgiven in his eyes so the relationship seems to be intact thankfully. However, my wife is posing a difficulty. I told her I was sorry and that she was over-reacting as there is kids being fondled everyday and she wants to call the guards on me over something which I acknowledged was wrong.
She freaked out even more and then I stupidly said she will be getting a slap next in a humourous context. Anyway she then tells me I'm a bad parent and left.

Can anyone tell me is she overreacting because at the minute I don't know what her deal is like.

Thanks.

LadyMayBelle

You lost the rag and took your anger out and belted your son (how old is he?)

You're the adult, the parent and should know better, and to allude to sexual inappropriateness (fondling) and domestic violence in a humorous context, where your wife wanted to have a serious conversation about you belting your son, is completely irresponsible and immature. In my opinion.

She's completely over-reacting.. A slap as a child is the only thing that kids listen to.
The younger generation coming through are out of control because this became illegal.

If the wife does get the guards onto you, tell her to move out. I wouldn't live with anyone who used the law on me because I disciplined my kid. How serious could it be if a bar of chocolate fixed it.

RMD

Bollox to that Ads. I never once got a slap off my parents yet I knew if I did something wrong they'd come down on me with a verbal ****storm that felt worse than any slap could. It shows a lack of parenting skills when the only way you can get a kid to respect you is through violence.

The younger generation is out of control due to shody parents who generally couldn't give a **** what their kid is up to once they're outside the house, and it's generally these parents who will give their kids a box once they've done something wrong as well. If a kid is brought up where the only way to gain respect is through violence, what does that tell them?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Google, sounds like you're trolling. There are plenty of ways of communicating with kids without hitting them. Loads of people have manage to bring up kids in without hitting them.

Anyway, to the OP. As long as the kid knows you're sorry, (and knows that whatever he did was still wrong) I say chill. No parent is perfect. I think a better apology for the wife might be in order, mainly because your humorous apprach has given her the idea that you're not taking this seriously and could well hit the little guy again.

wolfpawnat

We all lose the plot now and then, as long as you explain to the child that you were angry and you are sorry then you have been a good parent, you explained the meaning of right and wrong, I am sure if you looked at your wife's parenting, she has slipped here and there too! Parents are human! We make mistakes.

I have slapped my son twice (both on his hand), once when he was going to put his hand on the inside of the oven door while I was taking something out of it and the oven was 200 degrees Celsius and the other time when he tried to walk onto a road joining the M50 and the N11 (so very damn busy). I was sorry, but I had to show these things were worse than throwing food on the floor or pouring his juice all over my freshly ironed clothes, which are time out offences!

OP, she over reacted, it is clear you are not an abusive father!

I'm not trolling.. I think that it's perfectly fine to slap a kid and it's better to do so. It does no harm and gets the point across. Getting the woodon spoon by Mum or the slap on the face by Dad never did me a bit of harm and kept me more in line that reasoning would have.

I'm not saying a beating or anything... Jesus like, a wooden spoon to the bum or a slap is hardly abuse.

princemuzzy

Where did u hit him and how hard ? What was he doing ? Sounds to me like she is over reacting

LadyMayBelle

I would never got too far as to say a slap never did a child any harm..I got the wooden spoon across the back of legs as a kid as well, and I am not damaged, but every child is totally different. Plus, naturally, we aren't getting the context of the incident; what was the precursor, etc etc, is slapping accepted in your household as a method of discipline..

A choc bar isn't going to 'fix' everything; kids needs to know that Mum/Dad shouldn't have dealt with whatever naughty thing they did while in a fit of anger..what's that teaching the child?

And of course, every parent slips, god we're only human! But it's about being able to check yourself and think back and say did I really need to belt little jimmy or was that me losing the rag when I could have dealt with it rationally. That's good enough.

I do agree an apology is in order to your wife, you need to hear her concerns as clearly she has some for the wellbeing of your son.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm not trolling.. I think that it's perfectly fine to slap a kid and it's better to do so. It does no harm and gets the point across. Getting the woodon spoon by Mum or the slap on the face by Dad never did me a bit of harm and kept me more in line that reasoning would have.

I'm not saying a beating or anything... Jesus like, a wooden spoon to the bum or a slap is hardly abuse.

In fairness, none of us ever said it was, but I objected to you saying that it was the ONLY way. For me, it's just lazy communication regardless of it's effectiveness.

And I was slapped as a kid and it DID do me harm as I started hittign back and became very aggrerssive.

Anyway, back on topic...

Jesus, stop nit-picking at every word... OCD much? Of course I don't think it's the only way. It's a figure of speach.

And you hitting back says more about you as a person imo. Everyone is born different, some boys hit everything around them while others don't. Parents aren't responsible for every trait.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Deleted User wrote: »

Jesus, stop nit-picking at every word... OCD much? Of course I don't think it's the only way. It's a figure of speach.

And you hitting back says more about you as a person imo. Everyone is born different, some boys hit everything around them while others don't. Parents aren't responsible for every trait.

Your inital post said differetly and a lot of people do believe that. And I only ever hit out in retaliation or self-defense. You're just going from one bad assumption to another.

barbs84

why would you hit a child obviously your son cant hit you back, would you go around hitting everyone you passed on the street? if there was a problem you should of sat ur son down and had a talk with him, by hitting him you are putting across the message violence is fine, your wife would be right to go to the guards, if you hit anyone else they would prob go to the guards so why shouldnt she

Beruthiel

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

Can anyone tell me is she overreacting because at the minute I don't know what her deal is like.

She's extremely upset and disappointed in you.
Clearly she feels very strongly with regards to physically punishing a small child who cannot hope to match that kind of violence.

You slapped him out of anger.
In other words, you where not in control of your own feelings. You wouldn't have done it otherwise.
A parent needs to know exactly how they will react to their childs misbehaviour. A child needs to be under no illusion about what will happen if they misbehave.
This is something you should both be on the same page with before it happens.
btw - giving him a bar afterwards is just sending him mixed messages. He did not deserve it.

As for people who think that a parent slapping a child does them no harm.
Do they think it's ok to hate your mother to the extent that you would be quite happy if she died? That you would dance on her grave if she did. That's the wonderful relationship I had with my mother up to my late twenties. She may have gotten me to toe the line, but she had no relationship with me whatsoever.

Morag

Why did you hit him?
How did you hit him?
Where did you hit him?

There is a difference between a slap for discipline and lashing out in anger.
You need to be able to talk about this in a more constructive manner with you wife, you know you lashed out and it was wrong why else would you apolguise, If it's the first time it's happened she may will be shocked and the ill timed remark about hitting her also was stupid.

planetX

What exactly does 'belted' mean, because to me that would mean a fair amount of force.
It's the first time you crossed that line. I'd be just the same as your wife - and make bloody sure it was the last time. You sound like it's a bit of a joke to you.

silja

When you say you belted him, is that actually taking a belt to him? If so no, she did not over-react. If you gave him a quick slap on the hand/ bum then I would say yes, she did over react.

seamus

Your wife is overreacting to a certain degree. Storming out and threatening to call the guards, is an overreaction.

However, being very upset and angry with you, is not. You don't appear to completely understand what you did wrong. You've apologised to her for hitting the child (and bizarrely bought him a bar instead of sitting him down and apologising to him), but you don't seem overly concerned that it occurred in the first place and that you allowed yourself to lose control to that degree.

Do you understand how you let it happen? Are you confident that it wouldn't happen again? Can you convince your wife of this?

The Rook

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

it was a nice little rasp that I am not proud of. .

So why do you call it a "nice" little rasp?

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

she is being a bit of a softcock imo..

THis to me suggests that in a way you think that your actions were appropriate

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

I stupidly said she will be getting a slap next in a humourous context. .

Nothing about domestic violence is funny ... you realise it was stupid but she is the threatened party so no she's not overreacting here either..

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

Anyway she then tells me I'm a bad parent and left. .

In this case I would agree. (I'm not saying that you are in general, I know nothing about you at all only from what you've posted) ... the worst part of it for me is the fact that you don't understand HER reaction ....

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

Can anyone tell me is she overreacting because at the minute I don't know what her deal is like. .

No, she's not overreacting, the way she sees it you hit the child, threatened to hit her and think that her reactions are unreasonable ... there's no overreaction here, save that of you hitting your child.

Orion

That you were drunk at the time is very relevant to this topic.

While she may be over-reacting slightly, backhanding your son after 14 pints of Stella would concern any mother. Telling her she's next is hardly going to ease those concerns especially when coming from someone that drunk.

The fact that you're quitting the booze as a result is a good thing. Sit down with her, apologise again and talk to her about it and maybe something good can come out of this.

Laisurg

Woa hold on now, if you were pissed drunk while it happened then thats a big problem, stay off the booze around your kids for good, it's a horrible thing for a kid to be around a parent that can't control themselves while drinking, how hard did you hit the kid? I would say stay off the drink for the forseeable future and try rebuild trust.

seamus

Whoah, hang on.

Why did you deliberately withhold the fact that you were drunk off your face at the time?

Yes, that's relevant, and with that in mind, no your wife didn't overreact. Think about it, drunken father comes home, slaps his child about. It's the story that underpins a billion painful childhoods. Overreacting and hitting the child while sober is one thing, you can catch yourself, and fix your behaviour.
But doing it when you're drunk means that the next time you get drunk you may do it again because you're incapable of catching yourself. You can beg and plead and apologise all you like when you're sober, but the next time you come home pissed, all bets are off again.

Your wife is clearly concerned about her child's safety around you. And possibly her own - if you're capable of hitting your child while drunk and then "jokingly" threatening her, then what's to stop you attacking her in future. You have a serious amount of work to do here rebuilding the trust of your child and your wife. Make a concerted effort to stay off or at least minimise the booze, especially when your children are around.
If you're going to be having skinful during the day, then arrange to crash elsewhere, don't arrive home drunk while your child is still up.

Morag

If the father of my kids came home stinking drunk and lashed out at either of my kids and then tried to tell me I was being over sensitive about it and then said I'd get one too,
I would be thinking about going to the garda myself and getting a safety order,
esp if him being that drunk was a regular occurrence in the family home.

In vino veritas.
Sounds like you need to cut down or out your drinking and have a look at your temper,
and how you treat your family.

MagicMarker

seamus wrote: »

Whoah, hang on.

Why did you deliberately withhold the fact that you were drunk off your face at the time?

Yes, that's relevant, and with that in mind, no your wife didn't overreact. Think about it, drunken father comes home, slaps his child about. It's the story that underpins a billion painful childhoods. Overreacting and hitting the child while sober is one thing, you can catch yourself, and fix your behaviour.
But doing it when you're drunk means that the next time you get drunk you may do it again because you're incapable of catching yourself. You can beg and plead and apologise all you like when you're sober, but the next time you come home pissed, all bets are off again.

Your wife is clearly concerned about her child's safety around you. And possibly her own - if you're capable of hitting your child while drunk and then "jokingly" threatening her, then what's to stop you attacking her in future. You have a serious amount of work to do here rebuilding the trust of your child and your wife. Make a concerted effort to stay off or at least minimise the booze, especially when your children are around.
If you're going to be having skinful during the day, then arrange to crash elsewhere, don't arrive home drunk while your child is still up.

+1000

I would have hoped coming home pissed and throwing a slap or two around was a thing of the past. It's a sign of utter scumbaggery. It's one thing giving a kid a disciplinary slap on the arse, it's another giving him a drunken ''back of the hand''.

In this case your wife is not overreacting one bit.

GreeBo

Beruthiel wrote: »

You slapped him out of anger.
In other words, you where not in control of your own feelings. You wouldn't have done it otherwise.

I dont think you can reliably infer that. I was slapped as a child and it wasnt because my mother was out of control with anger. It was because I was out of control and no amount of logical reasoning was going to get through to me.

Beruthiel wrote: »

As for people who think that a parent slapping a child does them no harm.
Do they think it's ok to hate your mother to the extent that you would be quite happy if she died? That you would dance on her grave if she did. That's the wonderful relationship I had with my mother up to my late twenties. She may have gotten me to toe the line, but she had no relationship with me whatsoever.

Again I think there is possibly some middle ground here. Are you really saying that the only reason you hated your mother was because she slapped you when you were bold? Clearly you can have a relationship with a child and still slap them, look around at the vast majority of 30 somethings.

The Rook

When did the OP say they were drunk? I can't see it anywhere.....

MagicMarker

The Rook wrote: »

When did the OP say they were drunk? I can't see it anywhere.....

Check his posting history, he started another thread.

The Rook

MagicMarker wrote: »

Check his posting history, he started another thread.

Thanks for that ...shocking....

dark crystal

Would you slap your wife if she stepped out of line too?

I honestly can't see how 'belting' a defensless child is any different to belting a woman.

Violence against those you supposedly love solves absolutely nothing, imo.

I remember being slapped a few times when I was younger and the memory of how it made me feel ensured I would never do it to my own. As far as I'm concerned, it's the actions of an angry, frustrated parent, nothing to do with teaching a child any valuable life lessons.

January

I was going to reply to this thread earlier on saying that your wife may have been over reacting by saying she was going to the Garda, but the fact that you were steaming drunk and threatened to hit her too would have had me calling the Garda too.

It's good that you're taking steps to fix this, by giving up the drink but I think you need to sit your wife and son down and apologize profusely for the way you acted. A chocolate bar won't fix it.

CrazyRabbit

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm not trolling.. I think that it's perfectly fine to slap a kid and it's better to do so. It does no harm and gets the point across. Getting the woodon spoon by Mum or the slap on the face by Dad never did me a bit of harm and kept me more in line that reasoning would have.

I'm not saying a beating or anything... Jesus like, a wooden spoon to the bum or a slap is hardly abuse.

It did harm you. It made you think that it is normal and acceptable to physically assault another smaller/weaker person because they've done something you don't like.

As for the OP....shame on you. I think your wife should have called the Gardai. Seems you could do with a bit of shock to bring you back to your senses.

Snappy the Moose

I didn't threaten my wife, and she knows that, I made a joke at a serious time which she didn't like. I also wasn't joking about kids being fondled when I said it, it was in disbelief that she would get the guards over something so minimal compared to what other people have to endure.

He is 4 and was dragging his 8 month old sister by the legs around the room while she was being changed. Now sometimes we play together like this and roll her on the couch etc but I told him not too as it wasn't safe. I don't mind him playing with her but he didn't understand the dangers of dragging her around the same way he carries his schoolbag. I hit him on the arse, and the way I look at it it is probably better for a child to have a sore bum for a minute then a baby having a busted head. (Although I know I shouldn't have hit him).

I was drunk and maybe I wouldn't have hit him if I was sober but it still doesn't defer from the fact it was disciplinary, it wasn't as if he was watching cartoons and I started smacking him or smashing up the place for no reason. It might sound ironic but it was for safety purposes. My wife is looking at it from the context that I was abusive for no reason and is failing to acknowledge the disciplinary context of the situation.

*For the record it was one slap and it wasn't with a belt. I'm not sure how hard it was to be honest, I certainly didn't box him or knock him over or anything so it would have been on the low to medium scale.

January

You might have been joking but I sure as hell wouldn't have taken it as a joke... try to look at it from her point of view too. You've never hit your child before, you come home steaming drunk (and it didn't seem that late if your four year old and eight month old were still awake) and hit him for the first time for doing something he has seen you doing previously, even though he knows it's wrong (kids do this, my two year old tries to copy what I do with my one year old) and you smack him on the bum.

What you done was wrong, yes, you think your wife over reacted, she didn't, especially because you joked that "she'd be next".

username123

Op - my take on this as the child of an alcoholic father who wasnt adverse to a bit of aggression when he was drunk is this:

You have a serious problem with alcohol. Whether or not you want to admit it, if you drink and then lose control to the extent that you hit your child - thats a serious problem. You need to get off the booze and fast. You shouldnt even be drunk in front of your child, its unhealthy, dysfunctional and an absolute disgrace than an adult would think its ok to rock and roll home and have his child be a witness to whatever state he is in after 14 Stellas.

You need to take responsibility for your actions. You did a despicable thing, you drunkenly beat your own child (it doesnt matter if it was one smack, or a prolonged beating, you lost control). Congratulations, you now have a child who knows to stay out of Daddys way when he is drunk. Youve lost the trust of your child. Youve shown your child a monstrous side to yourself.

You didnt take your wives legitimate anger seriously. You made a totally inappropriate joke and tried to laugh it off as though you did nothing wrong. You then THREATENED your wife with violence!! (in a jokey manner - yeah right, were you still boozed up when you made this threat?).

You tried to smooth it over with your kid with a bar of chocolate. You do realise the message you sent on that is that adults dont own their actions but buy off kids when they do wrong?

All in all you have behaved in a way that I would consider to be highly dysfunctional, irresponsible, immature, and aggressive. And totally wrong - nothing you did in this situation was the right thing.

You wife has now seen you hit your child and threaten her with same for reacting. All because of booze eh?

If I were your wife (and I hope above all else that she sees this thread), I would leave you immediately, take the child with her and absolutely refuse to come back until you address your alcohol issue. I would report this incident to the Guards and get a protection order against you.

Youve done something really awful and until you take responsibility for that there is no moving on for anyone.

username123

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

I didn't threaten my wife, and she knows that, I made a joke at a serious time which she didn't like. I also wasn't joking about kids being fondled when I said it, it was in disbelief that she would get the guards over something so minimal compared to what other people have to endure.

Yes you did. You told her she would be next. You were drunk, youd just hit your kid - how could anyone be in a humorous mood with you?

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

I was drunk and maybe I wouldn't have hit him if I was sober but it still doesn't defer from the fact it was disciplinary, it wasn't as if he was watching cartoons and I started smacking him or smashing up the place for no reason.

Youve no business disciplining a child when youre drunk - 14 Stellas? Its lucky you didnt fall over the child and flatten him! Dont you know better than to stay away from children when you are drunk? What kind of a father do you think you are? It frightens children to see drunk adults.

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

My wife is looking at it from the context that I was abusive for no reason and is failing to acknowledge the disciplinary context of the situation.

There is no disciplinary context to the situation - you shouldnt be disciplining children when youre drunk. Whats gonna happen when he is 10 and you come home drunk and find him staying out late? Will you punch him in the face?

It sounds like you really dont get it. You were in the wrong, then you compounded it by threatening your wife and not taking responsibility for your actions, and buying your son off with a bar of chocolate.

Snappy the Moose

username123 wrote: »

Op - my take on this as the child of an alcoholic father who wasnt adverse to a bit of aggression when he was drunk is this:

You have a serious problem with alcohol. Whether or not you want to admit it, if you drink and then lose control to the extent that you hit your child - thats a serious problem. You need to get off the booze and fast. You shouldnt even be drunk in front of your child, its unhealthy, dysfunctional and an absolute disgrace than an adult would think its ok to rock and roll home and have his child be a witness to whatever state he is in after 14 Stellas.

You need to take responsibility for your actions. You did a despicable thing, you drunkenly beat your own child (it doesnt matter if it was one smack, or a prolonged beating, you lost control). Congratulations, you now have a child who knows to stay out of Daddys way when he is drunk. Youve lost the trust of your child. Youve shown your child a monstrous side to yourself.

You didnt take your wives legitimate anger seriously. You made a totally inappropriate joke and tried to laugh it off as though you did nothing wrong. You then THREATENED your wife with violence!! (in a jokey manner - yeah right, were you still boozed up when you made this threat?).

You tried to smooth it over with your kid with a bar of chocolate. You do realise the message you sent on that is that adults dont own their actions but buy off kids when they do wrong?

All in all you have behaved in a way that I would consider to be highly dysfunctional, irresponsible, immature, and aggressive. And totally wrong - nothing you did in this situation was the right thing.

You wife has now seen you hit your child and threaten her with same for reacting. All because of booze eh?

If I were your wife (and I hope above all else that she sees this thread), I would leave you immediately, take the child with her and absolutely refuse to come back until you address your alcohol issue. I would report this incident to the Guards and get a protection order against you.

Youve done something really awful and until you take responsibility for that there is no moving on for anyone.

Let's take a back-step here because I have already acknowledged a lot of the issues you present.

I hit my child with reasoning, it still may not be acceptable or the right thing to do, but it is not as if I was drunk, came home in an aggresive mood and hit him for no reason. If I was sober I still may have hit him at the time, he was dragging the little one around with little consideration for her and I wanted him to know the dangers of such a thing. Yes I understand he is four but I don't want the misfortune of coming home to find my little girl's head was cracked open.

To suggest I am an alcoholic is laughable. I was out for the first time since Christmas and only because a friend was going away to Australia. I came home at 7ish because I thought it was the right thing to do instead of staying out drinking all night. I never stated I was an alcoholic, I was merely seeking advice on fillers instead of alcohol at the various upcoming weddings and going-away we will be attending.

I'm sure you have some difficult memories but don't paint me as your parent/s. I lost control but maybe that could have happened if I was sober, would you be telling me I have anger issues instead of alcohol if I wasn't drunk? Does one slap constitute having anger-management issues. It wasn't done aggressively either, my goal was not to hurt him but to discipline him.

Snappy the Moose

username123 wrote: »

It sounds like you really dont get it. You were in the wrong, then you compounded it by threatening your wife and not taking responsibility for your actions, and buying your son off with a bar of chocolate.

I have already acknowledged I was wrong to hit the child.

My wife acknowledged I was joking when I said she would get a slap next, it was saying a joke at that time which upset her further. She has told me she wasn't threatened.

* You have mentioned I shouldn't be disciplining children when drunk, what should I have done? Sat there while he dragged her around like a rag doll? Even if I had sat him down or taken a different approach it would still be disciplining so I'm a bit confused what you mean there.

Laisurg

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

I didn't threaten my wife, and she knows that, I made a joke at a serious time which she didn't like. I also wasn't joking about kids being fondled when I said it, it was in disbelief that she would get the guards over something so minimal compared to what other people have to endure.

He is 4 and was dragging his 8 month old sister by the legs around the room while she was being changed. Now sometimes we play together like this and roll her on the couch etc but I told him not too as it wasn't safe. I don't mind him playing with her but he didn't understand the dangers of dragging her around the same way he carries his schoolbag. I hit him on the arse, and the way I look at it it is probably better for a child to have a sore bum for a minute then a baby having a busted head. (Although I know I shouldn't have hit him).

I was drunk and maybe I wouldn't have hit him if I was sober but it still doesn't defer from the fact it was disciplinary, it wasn't as if he was watching cartoons and I started smacking him or smashing up the place for no reason. It might sound ironic but it was for safety purposes. My wife is looking at it from the context that I was abusive for no reason and is failing to acknowledge the disciplinary context of the situation.

*For the record it was one slap and it wasn't with a belt. I'm not sure how hard it was to be honest, I certainly didn't box him or knock him over or anything so it would have been on the low to medium scale.

Ok now this is a different thing altogether, the kid shouldn't have been doing that and you should explain that to your wife, the force doesn't sound like it was excessive but i would stay off the sauce for a while anyway, just to be sure your wife doesn't get upset.

username123

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

I hit my child with reasoning, it still may not be acceptable or the right thing to do, but it is not as if I was drunk, came home in an aggresive mood and hit him for no reason. If I was sober I still may have hit him at the time, he was dragging the little one around with little consideration for her and I wanted him to know the dangers of such a thing. Yes I understand he is four but I don't want the misfortune of coming home to find my little girl's head was cracked open.

On the one hand you say you know you were wrong, now you are rationalising that you may have done it sober.

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

To suggest I am an alcoholic is laughable. I was out for the first time since Christmas and only because a friend was going away to Australia. I came home at 7ish because I thought it was the right thing to do instead of staying out drinking all night. I never stated I was an alcoholic, I was merely seeking advice on fillers instead of alcohol at the various upcoming weddings and going-away we will be attending.

Where did I suggest you are an alcoholic? I said you have issues with alcohol.

If drinking causes you to lose control to the point of hitting a child - you have a problem with it.

I know alcoholics who drink once a year. Do you even know what it means to be an alcoholic?

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

I'm sure you have some difficult memories but don't paint me as your parent/s. I lost control but maybe that could have happened if I was sober, would you be telling me I have anger issues instead of alcohol if I wasn't drunk? Does one slap constitute having anger-management issues. It wasn't done aggressively either, my goal was not to hurt him but to discipline him.

Back to rationalising that you may have done it sober while agreeing that it was the wrong thing to do. The point is - you WERE drunk. It doesnt matter that you intended to discipline him - hitting him is not discipline and you shouldnt be disciplining children drunk anyway.

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

I have already acknowledged I was wrong to hit the child.

Then why do you keep rationalising that you may have done it sober - HAVE you done it sober? On the other thread you referred to it as 'lamping the child out of it'- not good.

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

My wife acknowledged I was joking when I said she would get a slap next, it was saying a joke at that time which upset her further. She has told me she wasn't threatened.

Perhaps your wife is scared of you when you are drunk and would have agreed with anything to keep the peace? I dont know, I wasnt there.

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

* You have mentioned I shouldn't be disciplining children when drunk, what should I have done? Sat there while he dragged her around like a rag doll? Even if I had sat him down or taken a different approach it would still be disciplining so I'm a bit confused what you mean there.

Perhaps calmly asking your wife to discipline the child? Perhaps gently directing the child away in another direction? Perhaps removing the toddler from the situation? Perhaps saying 'Stop dragging your sibling around right now'?

Of course the real answer to that question by the way, comes from something I said earlier - you shouldnt be drunk around children - that way you dont have moral dilemmas about disciplining them when youre drunk.

It seems like you are not willing to acknowledge or take responsibilities for any of this - rationalising your behaviour, moral dilemmas about disciplining children when drunk etc... If you cant see the situation for what it is then I am sorry for you, and your wife and children.

Ayla

OP - have you for one moment considered *why* your wife felt so threatened or concerned that she threatened to call the guardi & then actually left? Is it possible that she has a history of having to deal with abuse? Maybe someone in her childhood came home from the pub & got out of control, or maybe she was in a previously abusive relationship. It is possible that this could be the root cause & then when you came home in whatever condition & (although maybe for justifiable reasons, but all the same) you suddenly smacked your kid...maybe it triggered horrible memories of a situation she didn't want to be in again.

And when your son was dragging the baby around, why were you the one there to disipline him? Where was your wife? Surely if you started seeing red you should have had the cop on to call her & step away before hitting your child.

How Strange

Op, hitting or slapping a child is wrong. There are no justifications or times when it's acceptable. Hitting a child means you've lost control of the situation and resort to physicality to get your point across.

A child of 4 is perfectly capable of understanding why dragging an 8 month old baby by the legs is wrong if it's explained to him/her. Your child learned nothing except daddy hits him and then buys his chocolate.

As for being drunk around children, well it really shows our disfunctional relationship with alcohol as a nation that you don't think it's inappropriate to drink that much and then go home to young children in the evening time when chances are they're acting up because they're tired and it's bedtime.

I'm actually going to mention this thread to my husband tonight so we're on the same page for the future. We agreed already we won't slap but I want him to know that I'd find it disgusting if he was that drunk in front of our child/ren and if he raised his hand to them while drunk I'd lose all repect for him and consider leaving for the welfare of the child/ren.

I really hope you've learned a lesson from all this because that's the only possible positive to come out of it.

Snappy the Moose

username123 wrote: »

Perhaps calmly asking your wife to discipline the child? Perhaps gently directing the child away in another direction? Perhaps removing the toddler from the situation? Perhaps saying 'Stop dragging your sibling around right now'?

^ All the above is disciplining the child though. You said I shouldn't discipline when drunk so I should have sat there or got my wife while the 8 month olds head was hopping off the floor. If you read my posts you would see I told him not to as it was dangerous but it didn't work.


It was wrong to hit him, if I did it sober it would have been wrong aswell! I was merely pointing out that you saying "you have a serious problem with alcohol" may not be the case. People can lose their temper without having some form of issue or problem. Are you aware of this?

What I did was wrong but calling the guards is an over-reaction.

Ayla

Ok, yes, it's disciplining...as parents that's our job. But disciplining by violence (no matter how "insignificant") does not teach the child anything. Do you think the next time your son goes to do the same thing he'll think "no, i shouldn't do that b/c it's the wrong thing to do," or will he think "no, i won't do it b/c my dad will thump me." Which would you rather your child think?

January

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

^ All the above is disciplining the child though. You said I shouldn't discipline when drunk so I should have sat there or got my wife while the 8 month olds head was hopping off the floor. If you read my posts you would see I told him not to as it was dangerous but it didn't work.


It was wrong to hit him, if I did it sober it would have been wrong aswell! I was merely pointing out that you saying "you have a serious problem with alcohol" may not be the case. People can lose their temper without having some form of issue or problem. Are you aware of this?

What I did was wrong but calling the guards is an over-reaction.

To you, not to your wife.

Orion

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

What I did was wrong but calling the guards is an over-reaction.

If she felt threatened then it's not an over-reaction in the slightest. Until you realise and accept this you're going to get nowhere.

MagicMarker

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

^ All the above is disciplining the child though. You said I shouldn't discipline when drunk so I should have sat there or got my wife while the 8 month olds head was hopping off the floor. If you read my posts you would see I told him not to as it was dangerous but it didn't work.

Were you shackled to a radiator at this point in time? Why not just take the baby off him?

Snappy the Moose

Orion wrote: »

If she felt threatened then it's not an over-reaction in the slightest. Until you realise and accept this you're going to get nowhere.

I have already said that she told me she didn't feel threatened, it was making the joke (which she acknowledges it was) at that time which upset her further.

These are her words aswell.

CrazyRabbit

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

It did harm you. It made you think that it is normal and acceptable to physically assault another smaller/weaker person because they've done something you don't like.

In the wise words of the rapper, Asher Roth.
"Disciplining to prevent things when they're older."

It's not physical assault to give your kid a slap if he does something wrong.. You're mistaking random beatings of children with a slap or wooden spoon when they step out of line badly.
I've never been in a fight in my life so where's your logic that I think it's fine to physically assault anyone?

GeorgeBailey

January wrote: »

To you, not to your wife.

Taking the OPs account of events as what actually transpired (and we don't have any choice really) then I would agree with the OP that his wife over-reacted. If it was a small to medium slap on the backside then it's regrettable but also understandable given what the child was doing. There's a lot of judgemental, whiter than white attitudes on boards.

username123

username123 wrote: »

Perhaps calmly asking your wife to discipline the child? Perhaps gently directing the child away in another direction? Perhaps removing the toddler from the situation? Perhaps saying 'Stop dragging your sibling around right now'?

None of that is disciplining a child - is it?
Surely the definition of disciplining a child is explaining to them what they have done wrong and punishing them in a calm non confrontational manner so that they understand what they are being punished for?

Any of the above are just immediate steps that could have been taken to remove the baby from a dangerous situation.

Have you hit your children sober? You seem intent on making it clear that it would be wrong sober or drunk? If you have not done it sober then its fair to extrapolate that when drunk you lose control to the point of hitting a child and that indicates a problem with alcohol - not being able to control yourself. I can only go on what youve posted. It would still be wrong sober, but the point is - you WERE drunk.

Its pretty disgusting behaviour and your wife did not overreact to say she was going to go to the guards and unless you can accept that then you are just a bully who believes he is in the right no matter how many people tell him he is in the wrong. Its called denial. Refusing to accept the valid point of view. Its delusional and pretty common among people who believe they dont have an issue with booze when they do.

Its interesting that you concealed the fact you were drunk in your original posts - were you aware that alcoholics often conceal same to manipulate people and get the reactions they want?

fatmammycat

GeorgeBailey wrote: »

Taking the OPs account of events as what actually transpired (and we don't have any choice really) then I would agree with the OP that his wife over-reacted. If it was a small to medium slap on the backside then it's regrettable but also understandable given what the child was doing. There's a lot of judgemental, whiter than white attitudes on boards.

He said he 'backhanded' his son, very different to a slap on the backside, he did this angry and drunk and then threatened his wife in a 'joking' manner when she got upset. None of this is a whiter that white response. He's on here looking for people to agree with him that SHE over-reacted when it is HE who was in the wrong and clearly needs to rein in his drinking.