Boyfriend won't have sex !

LegacyUser

I know this is nothing compared to other peoples problems here but it's kinda getting me down and it kind of hurts all the same.

Ok well I'm on the pill and take it correctly and don't ever miss taking one etc but I want to use condoms too to be safe that there's absolutely minimalist chance of getting pregnant but my boyfriend says that there's no need as I take the pill perfectly so the chances of me getting pregnant are already tiny so there's no need to use condoms but I said no I want to use condoms too to have a back up in case one or the other fails but he came back saying well then there's no point in having sex anymore so as there's no where near as good a feeling using condoms and that he can't stay 'hard' using them.

I just wrote this rant off to him just getting into a huff but that was over 2 weeks ago now and he seems to be holding his ground,I've made loads of attempts to get him to do it but he says no no there's no point if you want to use condoms I can't feel anythin so I'm not in the mood.
He's grand other than when it comes to this like he's not going round in a mood or anything for any other aspect of us just seems to be standing firm on not doing it with condoms .

Supercell

Tbh, but I'd be the same, I really dont enjoy sex anywhere near as much wearing the sock.
It seems like overkill to me to be on the pill and insisting he wears a condom. Unless of course you are unsure of his past and are worried about STD's

Ickle Magoo

You have to sit down with him and discuss this. Condoms may limit his enjoyment but if worrying about being left holding the baby is limiting yours then there is no point caving into his emotional blackmail and only using the pill.

If he's huffing about using condoms and refusing to discuss then you might be better off finding a more mature boyfriend, tbh...

I don't think using condoms as well is overkill at all. At least if something goes wrong with the condom you know straight away. It gives a hell of a lot of peace of mind to actually see all's well, so to speak Personally I'd be worrying every single month if I was just on the pill and THAT is a mood killer.
When it comes to pregnancy you can't be too careful!

Have you tried using other lighter types of condoms? Since you are on the pill you can use very light ones I am sure?

Mike 1972

On the contrary the OP is doing the right thing. Its all very well suggesting its overkill and taking the "ah sure itll be all right" attitude when it isint you that gets pregnant !

If he has issues "remaining hard" there may be underlying medical or phsycological issues on his part. This may sound harsh but its him that has the problem and TBH he will be doing himself a favour by getting it looked into. Might even be just a matter of trying different brands of condom ?

On the other hand condoms are not the only other method of contraception..........

jenga-jen

OP there are a huge range of condoms on the market now, why not go and buy a few different types, sizes and brands (latex, non-latex, extra thin, ribbed and so on) and get some of the condom friendly ky jelly/durex lubes/massage lotions and have a night in to 'play' with them?

I've heard good things about the Mates range, specifically the ultra thin and, surprisingly, the ultra safe! Apparently a LOT less of a restrictive feeling.

Either way, this lad sounds like he needs a reality check. Perhaps sit him down and explain that even an upset tummy or antibiotics could mess up your pill without either of you knowing it. I think some men don't fully understand the hormones involved sometimes and you need to point out that if that happened, even after having sex, you could become pregnant.

Also, if you are going down this road of ditching the condoms it would be worth considering an STD check for both of you just to be sure

The most important thing is not to do anything you're uncomfortable with!

sam34

quite adept at emotional blackmail, isnt he - not a sign of a nice guy, imo

anyway - perfectly reasonable to use condoms as well as the pill

pills can fail for all sorts of reasons, so its wise to be safe

AnonoBoy

Your boyfriend sounds like the same sort of lad who will immediately blame you if you became pregnant and claim you weren't taking it properly or something.

Speaking as a guy I'd expect a girl I was seeing to be on the pill unless there was medical reasons why she couldn't take it.

You're being the reasonable mature one here not your child of a boyfriend. Sure he might enjoy sex more without using a condom but will he enjoy getting up in the middle of the night to get a bottle for the kid quite as much?

If he really wants to get rid of condoms ask him to get the snip and see if he's still so keen to do it without a condom.

AnonoBoy

Supercell wrote: »

Tbh, but I'd be the same, I really dont enjoy sex anywhere near as much wearing the sock.
It seems like overkill to me to be on the pill and insisting he wears a condom. Unless of course you are unsure of his past and are worried about STD's

One method of contraception alone is not reliable and the pill can fail without either partner being aware it has failed until it's too late. Perhaps you and the OP's boyfriend could do with reading up on contraception a bit more.

Ironically some people are far more cautious and worried about contraception with short-term partners than they are with long-term ones. But this makes no sense as you're having sex a lot more with a long-term partner so the chances of contraception failing goes up.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

I don't think using condoms as well is overkill at all. At least if something goes wrong with the condom you know straight away. It gives a hell of a lot of peace of mind to actually see all's well, so to speak Personally I'd be worrying every single month if I was just on the pill and THAT is a mood killer.
When it comes to pregnancy you can't be too careful!

Have you tried using other lighter types of condoms? Since you are on the pill you can use very light ones I am sure?

This is why I want to start using them as I do worry every month wondering will my period come and have even bought the thinnest condoms there is for him but he seems to be taking it as some sort of rejection of him I think and it's weird like he's not being immature about anything else and he's carrying on as he normally does and no he doesn't have anything medically wrong that he can't stay 'hard' think it's just the whole thought of wearing one that does it,either way it's really getting in on me and I'm trying not to let it show

cafecolour

This is weirdly control-freakish and a sign of worse to come, IMHO. I'd find a new boyfriend.

jelly&icecream

I'm the same as you...always try to double up in some way contraception wise. If you really can't afford to get pregnant then its the only way to play it.
The emotional blackmail rubbish he's pulling is unacceptable tbh.

One of the above posters makes a goodpoint about trying different brands of condom etc. The fact that he isn't coming up with suggestions and alternatives like this that ye could at least try and that he couldnt even be arsed giving the thin condoms you bought a go is a really bad sign to me.

Has he read up on the pill himself? Does he understand that when they say that there is a 99% success rate , they mean that in one year, out of a group of 100 women takin the pill perfectly, one will fall pregnant. When you add in the occassional tummy bug/ hangover and the odd missed or late pill then this goes up.

This is something you need to stay strong on... it is something that could have life changing consequences for you.

MsHolloway

Supercell wrote: »

It seems like overkill to me to be on the pill and insisting he wears a condom.

Absolutely disagree here!! Of course its not overkill! The op wants to ensure she doesn't become pregnant (and possibly stds) and she's taking the mature and responsible steps to ensure this.

As has been said any one kind of contraception can fail for a number of reasons so it's actually very smart to use two methods.

OP, it really sounds your bf is emotionally blackmailing you and the whole situation reeks of control issues.

Ultimately he wants you to give in and give him his way even though you've explained how you feel and the worry about waiting for your period every month (I completely understand the worry you feel op, btw) Would he be happy just to have sex with no condom, even though you feel so uncomfortable and stressed about it?? Do you really want to be with a guy who thinks so little of your feelings??

Sex shouldn't be just about getting off. When you're going out with someone, its meant to be about the intimacy you feel with the other person. While I can understand condoms would feel different to no condom, guys can still feel alot so he's just talking bull****! He's sounds incredibly selfish and immature!

trio

I knew a girl who got pregnant whilst on the pill when she had diarrehea for ONE DAY. Coupla days later she's grand and she shags the husband (she hasn't missed a single pill) and she gets pregnant.

Another friend of mine swears blind she never skipped a single pill and she got pregnant. It was a terrible shock. Boyfriend flipped the lid, accused her of lying, walked out. Awful.

Another girl I lived with years and years ago - had sex with the boyfriend wearing a condom. Condom split. Off she trotted the next day to the doctor to get the morning after pill. Baby still popped out 9 months later.


So with all these horror stories in my mind I insisted on doubling up on the contraception from the word go. Luckily my bf was just as paranoid as I was and was totally encouraging of it. He seems to have a good time regardless!

And I have the peace of mind to know that if I forget or whatever, I have extra protection.

Your bf is making this into something larger than just about condoms, in other words this is his line in the sand and he's testing just how far you'll take this. It's a "who'll blink first" contest.

That said maybe he really DOES fail sustain an erection with a condom:

I once dated a guy who gave me the tale about not being able to get an erection with a condom. I bluntly said "TRY". He did and actually he did have difficulty. He then went on and on at me to have sex without it. It was a total dealbreaker for me and I politely said we'd be best suited with other people.

S23

Just a quick point.

Ask your boyfriend (in a tactful way) if hes ever had a problem sustaining an erection before. Presumably if hes had to wear a condom he has. If the answer is no then I'd be very wary.

If he only makes of habit of having sex without a condom thats as suspect as it gets.

Nevyn

I took the pill every day and never pilled it and wan't on antibiotics and wasn't will and got pregnant with my first born.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_pill

Perfect use 0.3%
Typical use 8%

If your bf wants to stop using condoms, has he gone for an STI screening?

Taltos

I think with the amount of unplanned and "unwanted" pregnancies out there your choice here is one to be applauded.

My OH used the pill for years - but we chose to also use condoms. Not out of fear of STIs - but out of fear of the unreliability of the pill.

So he gets soft... That really is just an excuse I do not buy. With practice this should be something he can overcome - but... but only if he WANTS to... Right now all I can see is that he is prioritizing his pleasure over you 100% - so you have a choice.

a) stick to your guns and hope he comes around
b) dump his ass and find an adult for a bf
c) cave and wonder what happens when you do get pregnant and he hightails it after accusing you of trapping him...

LegacyUser

While it does make sense to use both forms of contraception but saying the OP's boyfriend is controlling and only wants her to do what he wants regarding not using condoms,the same could be said for her here as she wants him to do what she wants and use them and won't have sex unless he uses one so it's a 50-50 situation and unless someone sees sense to stop this stupid stance it's a very awkward mess.

Op try have a calm talk to him about your concerns etc and see how it goes maybe if you can talk to him calm without him going off in a mood or huff then maybe he'll see you point of view

Ickle Magoo

unregged 10 wrote: »

While it does make sense to use both forms of contraception but saying the OP's boyfriend is controlling and only wants her to do what he wants regarding not using condoms,the same could be said for her here as she wants him to do what she wants and use them and won't have sex unless he uses one so it's a 50-50 situation and unless someone sees sense to stop this stupid stance it's a very awkward mess.

Eh, not having sex with someone because you fear getting pregnant and refusing to have sex with someone because they won't let you put them at higher risk of getting pregnant are not the same thing....at all....

mylittlepony

You prepared yourself from unwanted preganacy by getting the pill and use condoms to prevent STDS.

What has he done to protect YOU or himself? Selfish p?!#!
He an axxhole! :mad:
My god the fact he insist on sex without condom just cos you on the pill, what stds could be crawling around down there from past conquests. Eeww (Im assuming if ye didnt have a STDs screening together as a couple)
Walk away and get yourself a more mature man.
You deserve it.

Just an idea, you could lie that you quit the pill cos he didnt suit you etc or simply change your mind and prefer condoms only.
So he MUST wear condom.
Let see what he say about that. Observe his reaction.

vicecreamsundae

you should definitely not compromise your sexual and reproductive health for this guy.

i'm another firm believer in pill+condom use. but the majority of my close friends only seem to use the pill when in longterm relationships, so i can see why he feels like it's the norm. and from your post it appears [correct me if im wrong] that at first you were having condom free sex, and introducing condoms is more of a new thing? in that case, i can see why he'd be a bit annoyed, he might be taking it personally, and even if he's not he just feels a bit hard done by now. but tough! i think you are definitely making the right decision.

someone i was with made it pretty clear he didn't want to use a condom seeing as i was on the pill, and he even went and got tested as if to persuade me, but i'm just too concerned about not getting pregnant. he hasnt been at all manipulative by saying/acting like he doesnt enjoy sex with a condom, but he still brings it up once in a while i just grin and shrug it off though. i can understand it probably would feel better for him, but too bad, that is not worth the increased risk of pregnancy to me, and if it's a big problem for him then he can find someone else, frankly. i would be way too anxious every month waiting for my period otherwise.

as someone suggested, try a few different brands especially the featherlite ones etc. also, would you feel comfortable using other forms of contraceptive such a diaphram, cervical cap or female condom? i have no experience with either, but no harm in thinking about them if you are on the pill too.
but really i think he should grow up and get with the programme or get out.

magneticimpulse

He doesnt care about your feelings or worries...so basically I'd dump him. If he is so insensitive over this issue then what else is he going to support you on?? He is also blackmailing you!! Dont give in, stand your ground. He seems childish to blackmail you, so I dont think he is mature enough to look after a baby.

There are lots of condoms out there. Usually Mates do an ultra thin one or Durex Featherlight.

If your boyfriend has this attitude to condoms and not wearing them, he will definitely get someone pregnant. Just find someone more mature and who listens to your concerns and is not so selfish...whats he doing to prevent having a baby? Nothing!!!

Karmafaerie

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You have to sit down with him and discuss this. Condoms may limit his enjoyment but if worrying about being left holding the baby is limiting yours then there is no point caving into his emotional blackmail and only using the pill.

If he's huffing about using condoms and refusing to discuss then you might be better off finding a more mature boyfriend, tbh...

sam34 wrote: »

quite adept at emotional blackmail, isnt he - not a sign of a nice guy, imo

anyway - perfectly reasonable to use condoms as well as the pill

pills can fail for all sorts of reasons, so its wise to be safe

cafecolour wrote: »

This is weirdly control-freakish and a sign of worse to come, IMHO. I'd find a new boyfriend.

jelly&icecream wrote: »

The emotional blackmail rubbish he's pulling is unacceptable tbh.

MsHolloway wrote: »

OP, it really sounds your bf is emotionally blackmailing you and the whole situation reeks of control issues.

Ultimately he wants you to give in and give him his way even though you've explained how you feel and the worry about waiting for your period every month (I completely understand the worry you feel op, btw) Would he be happy just to have sex with no condom, even though you feel so uncomfortable and stressed about it?? Do you really want to be with a guy who thinks so little of your feelings??

mylittlepony wrote: »

You prepared yourself from unwanted preganacy by getting the pill and use condoms to prevent STDS.

What has he done to protect YOU or himself? Selfish p?!#!
He an axxhole! :mad:
My god the fact he insist on sex without condom just cos you on the pill, what stds could be crawling around down there from past conquests. Eeww (Im assuming if ye didnt have a STDs screening together as a couple)
Walk away and get yourself a more mature man.
You deserve it.

Just an idea, you could lie that you quit the pill cos he didnt suit you etc or simply change your mind and prefer condoms only.
So he MUST wear condom.
Let see what he say about that. Observe his reaction.

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

you should definitely not compromise your sexual and reproductive health for this guy.


but really i think he should grow up and get with the programme or get out.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

He doesnt care about your feelings or worries...so basically I'd dump him. If he is so insensitive over this issue then what else is he going to support you on?? He is also blackmailing you!! Dont give in, stand your ground. He seems childish to blackmail you, so I dont think he is mature enough to look after a baby.



If your boyfriend has this attitude to condoms and not wearing them, he will definitely get someone pregnant. Just find someone more mature and who listens to your concerns and is not so selfish...whats he doing to prevent having a baby? Nothing!!!

While I agree with some of what is being said here, I think that it's a bit rich to call him imature, or to call him selfish, or to tell the OP to dump him!!!

You have no idea to what the situation may be, so please keep your reactionary posts for somebody who isn't asking for help.
We have no idea as to the extent of knowledge that the OP's boyfriend has on the issue.
He may not be aware of the infalibility of the pill ,and to call him selfish, and call for his dumping is reactionary, childish, and imature.
Try and educate him, not punish him.

Women have used holding out on sex as a form of physical blackmail since time immemorial, and while the boyfriend of the OP is being very insensitive (pardon the pun), it's in no way, shape, or form, any more imature than what most couples go through on a weekly basis.
And don't try and say that women only do it for trivial reasons.
Women (and men) have a history of using sex as a weapon.
I've had friends who had sex witheld from them on matters as far reaching as making them quit jobs they didn't want to, or being blackmailed into not seeing female friends, or leaving to country to move abroad when they didn't want to.
Not to mention using it as a tool to push forward plans for weddings.
So please get off the high horse people.


I especially loved "MyLittlePony's reply".
Calling him selfish and an a$$hole for using sex as a weapon, and then only a few lines later, advising the OP to do the exact same thing, and imply the threat of delierately getting pregnant!

Childish and imature to the extreme, and every bit as dangerous and wrong as anything the OP's boyfriend may be doing.


Witholding sex is about as typical a reaction that you'll get in a couple's arguments, and maturity rarely comes into it.






OP.
Talk to your boyfriend about it.
Make sure he is aware of all the risks, and issues.
There are other kinds of contraceptives available too, and while condoms aren't ideal, and not a personal favorite of my own, it doesn't mean that they can't be made more inviting so to speak.
Some of the advice here was very good, but please ignore the reactionary statements, and work this out reasonibly.

jelly&icecream

To be honest Karmafaerie I think I gave a fairly sensible reply. I told her to make sure he understood the statistics about pill failure rates. But tbh huffing and sulking for over 2 weeks about getting his own way here when doing so could lead to life altering changes for the OP is getting beyond ridiculous. He wouldn't even give the new condoms she bought a go? Why shouldn't he have to share some of the contraceptive burden?

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I'm the same as yourself, pill and condoms or no sex. That's why after being sexually active for almost 10 years I don't have any unwanted children or STDs. I just cannot get my head around this situation. Is he controlling and demanding in other ways? At the end of the day guys can walk away and leave you holding a baby and all that having a baby entails. You need to protect yourself from that. If I were you I would sit down with the boyfriend and explain to him that if he's unwilling to use condoms that it might be best off that you break up because you need sex in a relationship and you're not risking the rest of your life for his pleasure. He sounds like a immature knobhead to be honest. Would you not be better off with someone more mature?

Best of luck,
Don't be bullied,
Peg.

LegacyUser

OP, are you just starting to introduce condoms now after not using them before?

Some people just dont like them, me included and I'm female.

You could look at something like a diaphragm +spermicide as a back up. But be warned, they're not easy to get. They're really rare now and I dont really understand why.

If you cant come to some sort of compromise on this, and I agree that he is behaving badly, maybe you'll have to consider the future of the relationship.

Karmafaerie

jelly&icecream wrote: »

To be honest Karmafaerie I think I gave a fairly sensible reply. I told her to make sure he understood the statistics about pill failure rates. But tbh huffing and sulking for over 2 weeks about getting his own way here when doing so could lead to life altering changes for the OP is getting beyond ridiculous. He wouldn't even give the new condoms she bought a go? Why shouldn't he have to share some of the contraceptive burden?

You'll notice it was just the one line from your post that I quoted.
And that I pointed out there was a lot of good advice given in the thread.


It's the biased representation of the OP's boyfriend as using emotional blackmail, being selfish, ec that I found OTT, by the posters I quoted.

If we're being 100% honest here, it's women who do have the longer and more colourfull track record when it comes to using witholding sex as a weapon.
I'm not being sexist, in anyway, simply stating the simple fact of the matter.
The same way that throughout history men have been more likely to use money and power to get their way in a relationship.

I found it borderline hypocritical that the response was so vehement in insulting, assuming, and blaming the boyfriend, when none of the facts were known.

Maybe he does have a mild form of erectile disfunction.
Maybe he has a naturaly low sex drive, and this is just more discouragement for him.

Or

Maybe he's just sulking, the same way every single person, who's ever been in a relationship throughout recorded - and non recorded - history, does from time to time.

Two weeks isn't a massive amount of time.


Not coming down hard on the OP, but maybe her boyfriend didn't like the arguement they had over this.
Maybe it's the fact that his request was flat out rejected that caused the problem, more so than the problem itself.


It just ranked me to see post after post of "advice" that she should dump her boyfriend, from people who have no idea of the actual situation, from both sides.

It remind me too much of the Ricki Lake/Jerry Springer "kick him to the curb" or "dump that zero for a hero" jingoism.

Yes he's being a bit unreasonable, but who knows how informed he is on the matter, or if there is an actuall underlying reason for his reluctance to use condoms.

Karmafaerie

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey OP,

I'm the same as yourself, pill and condoms or no sex. That's why after being sexually active for almost 10 years I don't have any unwanted children or STDs. I just cannot get my head around this situation. Is he controlling and demanding in other ways? At the end of the day guys can walk away and leave you holding a baby and all that having a baby entails. You need to protect yourself from that. If I were you I would sit down with the boyfriend and explain to him that if he's unwilling to use condoms that it might be best off that you break up because you need sex in a relationship and you're not risking the rest of your life for his pleasure. He sounds like a immature knobhead to be honest. Would you not be better off with someone more mature?

Best of luck,
Don't be bullied,
Peg.

Oh the irony!:rolleyes:

prinz

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Oh the irony!:rolleyes:

Where is the irony?

It's up to each of them to decide what they want, and if they don't agree to go their seperate ways. Sitting him down and letting him know that is the sensible approach, not bullying.

Karmafaerie

prinz wrote: »

Where is the irony?

It's up to each of them to decide what they want, and if they don't agree to go their seperate ways. Sitting him down and letting him know that is the sensible approach, not bullying.

You call him an imature knobhead, and then call him a bully.

Do you understand what the word bully means?!!


Let me give you some help.
Calling somebody that you don't know, or know anything about a "knobhead".
That's bullying!

Karmafaerie

The most over-reactionary thread I've seen here in a long time.

Boyfriend doesn't like condoms = he's a selfish, imature, bullying, knobhead.
Who will obviously leave her if she gets pregnant, and who she's better off dumping straight away without any attempt at listening to his side of the story.


:eek::eek: