Boyfriend won't have sex !

LegacyUser

I know this is nothing compared to other peoples problems here but it's kinda getting me down and it kind of hurts all the same.

Ok well I'm on the pill and take it correctly and don't ever miss taking one etc but I want to use condoms too to be safe that there's absolutely minimalist chance of getting pregnant but my boyfriend says that there's no need as I take the pill perfectly so the chances of me getting pregnant are already tiny so there's no need to use condoms but I said no I want to use condoms too to have a back up in case one or the other fails but he came back saying well then there's no point in having sex anymore so as there's no where near as good a feeling using condoms and that he can't stay 'hard' using them.

I just wrote this rant off to him just getting into a huff but that was over 2 weeks ago now and he seems to be holding his ground,I've made loads of attempts to get him to do it but he says no no there's no point if you want to use condoms I can't feel anythin so I'm not in the mood.
He's grand other than when it comes to this like he's not going round in a mood or anything for any other aspect of us just seems to be standing firm on not doing it with condoms .

Supercell

Tbh, but I'd be the same, I really dont enjoy sex anywhere near as much wearing the sock.
It seems like overkill to me to be on the pill and insisting he wears a condom. Unless of course you are unsure of his past and are worried about STD's

Ickle Magoo

You have to sit down with him and discuss this. Condoms may limit his enjoyment but if worrying about being left holding the baby is limiting yours then there is no point caving into his emotional blackmail and only using the pill.

If he's huffing about using condoms and refusing to discuss then you might be better off finding a more mature boyfriend, tbh...

I don't think using condoms as well is overkill at all. At least if something goes wrong with the condom you know straight away. It gives a hell of a lot of peace of mind to actually see all's well, so to speak Personally I'd be worrying every single month if I was just on the pill and THAT is a mood killer.
When it comes to pregnancy you can't be too careful!

Have you tried using other lighter types of condoms? Since you are on the pill you can use very light ones I am sure?

Mike 1972

On the contrary the OP is doing the right thing. Its all very well suggesting its overkill and taking the "ah sure itll be all right" attitude when it isint you that gets pregnant !

If he has issues "remaining hard" there may be underlying medical or phsycological issues on his part. This may sound harsh but its him that has the problem and TBH he will be doing himself a favour by getting it looked into. Might even be just a matter of trying different brands of condom ?

On the other hand condoms are not the only other method of contraception..........

jenga-jen

OP there are a huge range of condoms on the market now, why not go and buy a few different types, sizes and brands (latex, non-latex, extra thin, ribbed and so on) and get some of the condom friendly ky jelly/durex lubes/massage lotions and have a night in to 'play' with them?

I've heard good things about the Mates range, specifically the ultra thin and, surprisingly, the ultra safe! Apparently a LOT less of a restrictive feeling.

Either way, this lad sounds like he needs a reality check. Perhaps sit him down and explain that even an upset tummy or antibiotics could mess up your pill without either of you knowing it. I think some men don't fully understand the hormones involved sometimes and you need to point out that if that happened, even after having sex, you could become pregnant.

Also, if you are going down this road of ditching the condoms it would be worth considering an STD check for both of you just to be sure

The most important thing is not to do anything you're uncomfortable with!

sam34

quite adept at emotional blackmail, isnt he - not a sign of a nice guy, imo

anyway - perfectly reasonable to use condoms as well as the pill

pills can fail for all sorts of reasons, so its wise to be safe

AnonoBoy

Your boyfriend sounds like the same sort of lad who will immediately blame you if you became pregnant and claim you weren't taking it properly or something.

Speaking as a guy I'd expect a girl I was seeing to be on the pill unless there was medical reasons why she couldn't take it.

You're being the reasonable mature one here not your child of a boyfriend. Sure he might enjoy sex more without using a condom but will he enjoy getting up in the middle of the night to get a bottle for the kid quite as much?

If he really wants to get rid of condoms ask him to get the snip and see if he's still so keen to do it without a condom.

AnonoBoy

Supercell wrote: »

Tbh, but I'd be the same, I really dont enjoy sex anywhere near as much wearing the sock.
It seems like overkill to me to be on the pill and insisting he wears a condom. Unless of course you are unsure of his past and are worried about STD's

One method of contraception alone is not reliable and the pill can fail without either partner being aware it has failed until it's too late. Perhaps you and the OP's boyfriend could do with reading up on contraception a bit more.

Ironically some people are far more cautious and worried about contraception with short-term partners than they are with long-term ones. But this makes no sense as you're having sex a lot more with a long-term partner so the chances of contraception failing goes up.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

I don't think using condoms as well is overkill at all. At least if something goes wrong with the condom you know straight away. It gives a hell of a lot of peace of mind to actually see all's well, so to speak Personally I'd be worrying every single month if I was just on the pill and THAT is a mood killer.
When it comes to pregnancy you can't be too careful!

Have you tried using other lighter types of condoms? Since you are on the pill you can use very light ones I am sure?

This is why I want to start using them as I do worry every month wondering will my period come and have even bought the thinnest condoms there is for him but he seems to be taking it as some sort of rejection of him I think and it's weird like he's not being immature about anything else and he's carrying on as he normally does and no he doesn't have anything medically wrong that he can't stay 'hard' think it's just the whole thought of wearing one that does it,either way it's really getting in on me and I'm trying not to let it show

cafecolour

This is weirdly control-freakish and a sign of worse to come, IMHO. I'd find a new boyfriend.

jelly&icecream

I'm the same as you...always try to double up in some way contraception wise. If you really can't afford to get pregnant then its the only way to play it.
The emotional blackmail rubbish he's pulling is unacceptable tbh.

One of the above posters makes a goodpoint about trying different brands of condom etc. The fact that he isn't coming up with suggestions and alternatives like this that ye could at least try and that he couldnt even be arsed giving the thin condoms you bought a go is a really bad sign to me.

Has he read up on the pill himself? Does he understand that when they say that there is a 99% success rate , they mean that in one year, out of a group of 100 women takin the pill perfectly, one will fall pregnant. When you add in the occassional tummy bug/ hangover and the odd missed or late pill then this goes up.

This is something you need to stay strong on... it is something that could have life changing consequences for you.

MsHolloway

Supercell wrote: »

It seems like overkill to me to be on the pill and insisting he wears a condom.

Absolutely disagree here!! Of course its not overkill! The op wants to ensure she doesn't become pregnant (and possibly stds) and she's taking the mature and responsible steps to ensure this.

As has been said any one kind of contraception can fail for a number of reasons so it's actually very smart to use two methods.

OP, it really sounds your bf is emotionally blackmailing you and the whole situation reeks of control issues.

Ultimately he wants you to give in and give him his way even though you've explained how you feel and the worry about waiting for your period every month (I completely understand the worry you feel op, btw) Would he be happy just to have sex with no condom, even though you feel so uncomfortable and stressed about it?? Do you really want to be with a guy who thinks so little of your feelings??

Sex shouldn't be just about getting off. When you're going out with someone, its meant to be about the intimacy you feel with the other person. While I can understand condoms would feel different to no condom, guys can still feel alot so he's just talking bull****! He's sounds incredibly selfish and immature!

trio

I knew a girl who got pregnant whilst on the pill when she had diarrehea for ONE DAY. Coupla days later she's grand and she shags the husband (she hasn't missed a single pill) and she gets pregnant.

Another friend of mine swears blind she never skipped a single pill and she got pregnant. It was a terrible shock. Boyfriend flipped the lid, accused her of lying, walked out. Awful.

Another girl I lived with years and years ago - had sex with the boyfriend wearing a condom. Condom split. Off she trotted the next day to the doctor to get the morning after pill. Baby still popped out 9 months later.


So with all these horror stories in my mind I insisted on doubling up on the contraception from the word go. Luckily my bf was just as paranoid as I was and was totally encouraging of it. He seems to have a good time regardless!

And I have the peace of mind to know that if I forget or whatever, I have extra protection.

Your bf is making this into something larger than just about condoms, in other words this is his line in the sand and he's testing just how far you'll take this. It's a "who'll blink first" contest.

That said maybe he really DOES fail sustain an erection with a condom:

I once dated a guy who gave me the tale about not being able to get an erection with a condom. I bluntly said "TRY". He did and actually he did have difficulty. He then went on and on at me to have sex without it. It was a total dealbreaker for me and I politely said we'd be best suited with other people.

S23

Just a quick point.

Ask your boyfriend (in a tactful way) if hes ever had a problem sustaining an erection before. Presumably if hes had to wear a condom he has. If the answer is no then I'd be very wary.

If he only makes of habit of having sex without a condom thats as suspect as it gets.

Nevyn

I took the pill every day and never pilled it and wan't on antibiotics and wasn't will and got pregnant with my first born.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_pill

Perfect use 0.3%
Typical use 8%

If your bf wants to stop using condoms, has he gone for an STI screening?

Taltos

I think with the amount of unplanned and "unwanted" pregnancies out there your choice here is one to be applauded.

My OH used the pill for years - but we chose to also use condoms. Not out of fear of STIs - but out of fear of the unreliability of the pill.

So he gets soft... That really is just an excuse I do not buy. With practice this should be something he can overcome - but... but only if he WANTS to... Right now all I can see is that he is prioritizing his pleasure over you 100% - so you have a choice.

a) stick to your guns and hope he comes around
b) dump his ass and find an adult for a bf
c) cave and wonder what happens when you do get pregnant and he hightails it after accusing you of trapping him...

LegacyUser

While it does make sense to use both forms of contraception but saying the OP's boyfriend is controlling and only wants her to do what he wants regarding not using condoms,the same could be said for her here as she wants him to do what she wants and use them and won't have sex unless he uses one so it's a 50-50 situation and unless someone sees sense to stop this stupid stance it's a very awkward mess.

Op try have a calm talk to him about your concerns etc and see how it goes maybe if you can talk to him calm without him going off in a mood or huff then maybe he'll see you point of view

Ickle Magoo

unregged 10 wrote: »

While it does make sense to use both forms of contraception but saying the OP's boyfriend is controlling and only wants her to do what he wants regarding not using condoms,the same could be said for her here as she wants him to do what she wants and use them and won't have sex unless he uses one so it's a 50-50 situation and unless someone sees sense to stop this stupid stance it's a very awkward mess.

Eh, not having sex with someone because you fear getting pregnant and refusing to have sex with someone because they won't let you put them at higher risk of getting pregnant are not the same thing....at all....

mylittlepony

You prepared yourself from unwanted preganacy by getting the pill and use condoms to prevent STDS.

What has he done to protect YOU or himself? Selfish p?!#!
He an axxhole! :mad:
My god the fact he insist on sex without condom just cos you on the pill, what stds could be crawling around down there from past conquests. Eeww (Im assuming if ye didnt have a STDs screening together as a couple)
Walk away and get yourself a more mature man.
You deserve it.

Just an idea, you could lie that you quit the pill cos he didnt suit you etc or simply change your mind and prefer condoms only.
So he MUST wear condom.
Let see what he say about that. Observe his reaction.

vicecreamsundae

you should definitely not compromise your sexual and reproductive health for this guy.

i'm another firm believer in pill+condom use. but the majority of my close friends only seem to use the pill when in longterm relationships, so i can see why he feels like it's the norm. and from your post it appears [correct me if im wrong] that at first you were having condom free sex, and introducing condoms is more of a new thing? in that case, i can see why he'd be a bit annoyed, he might be taking it personally, and even if he's not he just feels a bit hard done by now. but tough! i think you are definitely making the right decision.

someone i was with made it pretty clear he didn't want to use a condom seeing as i was on the pill, and he even went and got tested as if to persuade me, but i'm just too concerned about not getting pregnant. he hasnt been at all manipulative by saying/acting like he doesnt enjoy sex with a condom, but he still brings it up once in a while i just grin and shrug it off though. i can understand it probably would feel better for him, but too bad, that is not worth the increased risk of pregnancy to me, and if it's a big problem for him then he can find someone else, frankly. i would be way too anxious every month waiting for my period otherwise.

as someone suggested, try a few different brands especially the featherlite ones etc. also, would you feel comfortable using other forms of contraceptive such a diaphram, cervical cap or female condom? i have no experience with either, but no harm in thinking about them if you are on the pill too.
but really i think he should grow up and get with the programme or get out.

magneticimpulse

He doesnt care about your feelings or worries...so basically I'd dump him. If he is so insensitive over this issue then what else is he going to support you on?? He is also blackmailing you!! Dont give in, stand your ground. He seems childish to blackmail you, so I dont think he is mature enough to look after a baby.

There are lots of condoms out there. Usually Mates do an ultra thin one or Durex Featherlight.

If your boyfriend has this attitude to condoms and not wearing them, he will definitely get someone pregnant. Just find someone more mature and who listens to your concerns and is not so selfish...whats he doing to prevent having a baby? Nothing!!!

Karmafaerie

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You have to sit down with him and discuss this. Condoms may limit his enjoyment but if worrying about being left holding the baby is limiting yours then there is no point caving into his emotional blackmail and only using the pill.

If he's huffing about using condoms and refusing to discuss then you might be better off finding a more mature boyfriend, tbh...

sam34 wrote: »

quite adept at emotional blackmail, isnt he - not a sign of a nice guy, imo

anyway - perfectly reasonable to use condoms as well as the pill

pills can fail for all sorts of reasons, so its wise to be safe

cafecolour wrote: »

This is weirdly control-freakish and a sign of worse to come, IMHO. I'd find a new boyfriend.

jelly&icecream wrote: »

The emotional blackmail rubbish he's pulling is unacceptable tbh.

MsHolloway wrote: »

OP, it really sounds your bf is emotionally blackmailing you and the whole situation reeks of control issues.

Ultimately he wants you to give in and give him his way even though you've explained how you feel and the worry about waiting for your period every month (I completely understand the worry you feel op, btw) Would he be happy just to have sex with no condom, even though you feel so uncomfortable and stressed about it?? Do you really want to be with a guy who thinks so little of your feelings??

mylittlepony wrote: »

You prepared yourself from unwanted preganacy by getting the pill and use condoms to prevent STDS.

What has he done to protect YOU or himself? Selfish p?!#!
He an axxhole! :mad:
My god the fact he insist on sex without condom just cos you on the pill, what stds could be crawling around down there from past conquests. Eeww (Im assuming if ye didnt have a STDs screening together as a couple)
Walk away and get yourself a more mature man.
You deserve it.

Just an idea, you could lie that you quit the pill cos he didnt suit you etc or simply change your mind and prefer condoms only.
So he MUST wear condom.
Let see what he say about that. Observe his reaction.

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

you should definitely not compromise your sexual and reproductive health for this guy.


but really i think he should grow up and get with the programme or get out.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

He doesnt care about your feelings or worries...so basically I'd dump him. If he is so insensitive over this issue then what else is he going to support you on?? He is also blackmailing you!! Dont give in, stand your ground. He seems childish to blackmail you, so I dont think he is mature enough to look after a baby.



If your boyfriend has this attitude to condoms and not wearing them, he will definitely get someone pregnant. Just find someone more mature and who listens to your concerns and is not so selfish...whats he doing to prevent having a baby? Nothing!!!

While I agree with some of what is being said here, I think that it's a bit rich to call him imature, or to call him selfish, or to tell the OP to dump him!!!

You have no idea to what the situation may be, so please keep your reactionary posts for somebody who isn't asking for help.
We have no idea as to the extent of knowledge that the OP's boyfriend has on the issue.
He may not be aware of the infalibility of the pill ,and to call him selfish, and call for his dumping is reactionary, childish, and imature.
Try and educate him, not punish him.

Women have used holding out on sex as a form of physical blackmail since time immemorial, and while the boyfriend of the OP is being very insensitive (pardon the pun), it's in no way, shape, or form, any more imature than what most couples go through on a weekly basis.
And don't try and say that women only do it for trivial reasons.
Women (and men) have a history of using sex as a weapon.
I've had friends who had sex witheld from them on matters as far reaching as making them quit jobs they didn't want to, or being blackmailed into not seeing female friends, or leaving to country to move abroad when they didn't want to.
Not to mention using it as a tool to push forward plans for weddings.
So please get off the high horse people.


I especially loved "MyLittlePony's reply".
Calling him selfish and an a$$hole for using sex as a weapon, and then only a few lines later, advising the OP to do the exact same thing, and imply the threat of delierately getting pregnant!

Childish and imature to the extreme, and every bit as dangerous and wrong as anything the OP's boyfriend may be doing.


Witholding sex is about as typical a reaction that you'll get in a couple's arguments, and maturity rarely comes into it.






OP.
Talk to your boyfriend about it.
Make sure he is aware of all the risks, and issues.
There are other kinds of contraceptives available too, and while condoms aren't ideal, and not a personal favorite of my own, it doesn't mean that they can't be made more inviting so to speak.
Some of the advice here was very good, but please ignore the reactionary statements, and work this out reasonibly.

jelly&icecream

To be honest Karmafaerie I think I gave a fairly sensible reply. I told her to make sure he understood the statistics about pill failure rates. But tbh huffing and sulking for over 2 weeks about getting his own way here when doing so could lead to life altering changes for the OP is getting beyond ridiculous. He wouldn't even give the new condoms she bought a go? Why shouldn't he have to share some of the contraceptive burden?

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I'm the same as yourself, pill and condoms or no sex. That's why after being sexually active for almost 10 years I don't have any unwanted children or STDs. I just cannot get my head around this situation. Is he controlling and demanding in other ways? At the end of the day guys can walk away and leave you holding a baby and all that having a baby entails. You need to protect yourself from that. If I were you I would sit down with the boyfriend and explain to him that if he's unwilling to use condoms that it might be best off that you break up because you need sex in a relationship and you're not risking the rest of your life for his pleasure. He sounds like a immature knobhead to be honest. Would you not be better off with someone more mature?

Best of luck,
Don't be bullied,
Peg.

LegacyUser

OP, are you just starting to introduce condoms now after not using them before?

Some people just dont like them, me included and I'm female.

You could look at something like a diaphragm +spermicide as a back up. But be warned, they're not easy to get. They're really rare now and I dont really understand why.

If you cant come to some sort of compromise on this, and I agree that he is behaving badly, maybe you'll have to consider the future of the relationship.

Karmafaerie

jelly&icecream wrote: »

To be honest Karmafaerie I think I gave a fairly sensible reply. I told her to make sure he understood the statistics about pill failure rates. But tbh huffing and sulking for over 2 weeks about getting his own way here when doing so could lead to life altering changes for the OP is getting beyond ridiculous. He wouldn't even give the new condoms she bought a go? Why shouldn't he have to share some of the contraceptive burden?

You'll notice it was just the one line from your post that I quoted.
And that I pointed out there was a lot of good advice given in the thread.


It's the biased representation of the OP's boyfriend as using emotional blackmail, being selfish, ec that I found OTT, by the posters I quoted.

If we're being 100% honest here, it's women who do have the longer and more colourfull track record when it comes to using witholding sex as a weapon.
I'm not being sexist, in anyway, simply stating the simple fact of the matter.
The same way that throughout history men have been more likely to use money and power to get their way in a relationship.

I found it borderline hypocritical that the response was so vehement in insulting, assuming, and blaming the boyfriend, when none of the facts were known.

Maybe he does have a mild form of erectile disfunction.
Maybe he has a naturaly low sex drive, and this is just more discouragement for him.

Or

Maybe he's just sulking, the same way every single person, who's ever been in a relationship throughout recorded - and non recorded - history, does from time to time.

Two weeks isn't a massive amount of time.


Not coming down hard on the OP, but maybe her boyfriend didn't like the arguement they had over this.
Maybe it's the fact that his request was flat out rejected that caused the problem, more so than the problem itself.


It just ranked me to see post after post of "advice" that she should dump her boyfriend, from people who have no idea of the actual situation, from both sides.

It remind me too much of the Ricki Lake/Jerry Springer "kick him to the curb" or "dump that zero for a hero" jingoism.

Yes he's being a bit unreasonable, but who knows how informed he is on the matter, or if there is an actuall underlying reason for his reluctance to use condoms.

Karmafaerie

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey OP,

I'm the same as yourself, pill and condoms or no sex. That's why after being sexually active for almost 10 years I don't have any unwanted children or STDs. I just cannot get my head around this situation. Is he controlling and demanding in other ways? At the end of the day guys can walk away and leave you holding a baby and all that having a baby entails. You need to protect yourself from that. If I were you I would sit down with the boyfriend and explain to him that if he's unwilling to use condoms that it might be best off that you break up because you need sex in a relationship and you're not risking the rest of your life for his pleasure. He sounds like a immature knobhead to be honest. Would you not be better off with someone more mature?

Best of luck,
Don't be bullied,
Peg.

Oh the irony!:rolleyes:

prinz

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Oh the irony!:rolleyes:

Where is the irony?

It's up to each of them to decide what they want, and if they don't agree to go their seperate ways. Sitting him down and letting him know that is the sensible approach, not bullying.

Karmafaerie

prinz wrote: »

Where is the irony?

It's up to each of them to decide what they want, and if they don't agree to go their seperate ways. Sitting him down and letting him know that is the sensible approach, not bullying.

You call him an imature knobhead, and then call him a bully.

Do you understand what the word bully means?!!


Let me give you some help.
Calling somebody that you don't know, or know anything about a "knobhead".
That's bullying!

Karmafaerie

The most over-reactionary thread I've seen here in a long time.

Boyfriend doesn't like condoms = he's a selfish, imature, bullying, knobhead.
Who will obviously leave her if she gets pregnant, and who she's better off dumping straight away without any attempt at listening to his side of the story.


:eek::eek:

jelly&icecream

Huffing about something for over 2 weeks instead of facing the issue head on is selfish and immature surely!

I also don't think Peggypeg was suggesting that the OP call her boyfriend a knobhead! She was just giving her opinion on the thing based on the limited info available to her. It was a bit ott but she was hardly bullying the boyfriend when she has no idea who he is!

An unplanned pregnancy is an incredibly frightening thing to a young woman... the OP wants to be as responsible as possible and prevent this. She's not being unreasonable here. Its for her boyfriends benefit as well that she doesn't get pregnant!

prinz

Karmafaerie wrote: »

You call him an imature knobhead, and then call him a bully.Do you understand what the word bully means?!!
Let me give you some help.
Calling somebody that you don't know, or know anything about a "knobhead".
That's bullying!

The bf isn't on this thread. Me calling Pat Kenny a plank isn't bullying, it's voicing an opinion. In any definition yet seen of bullying the victim needs to be made aware of it.

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Boyfriend doesn't like condoms = he's a selfish, imature, bullying, knobhead.

Not liking condoms has nothing to do with it. His reaction to his gf's issue has.

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Who will obviously leave her if she gets pregnant, and who she's better off dumping straight away without any attempt at listening to his side of the story..

She has given him a chance to get his side of it. He has had two weeks to present his side of it. Most of the posters here have suggested the OP sit him down and go through it again. :rolleyes:

Karmafaerie

jelly&icecream wrote: »

Huffing about something for over 2 weeks instead of facing the issue head on is selfish and immature surely!

I also don't think Peggypeg was suggesting that the OP call her boyfriend a knobhead! She was just giving her opinion on the thing based on the limited info available to her. It was a bit ott but she was hardly bullying the boyfriend when she has no idea who he is!

Did you not read the original post?

He has not been huffing, puffing, or anything of the kind.
In fact the OP made a point of stating that he wasn't doing so.

Unregged gf wrote: »

He's grand other than when it comes to this like he's not going round in a mood or anything for any other aspect

jelly&icecream wrote:

An unplanned pregnancy is an incredibly frightening thing to a young woman... the OP wants to be as responsible as possible and prevent this. She's not being unreasonable here. Its for her boyfriends benefit as well that she doesn't get pregnant!

Again, I'm not coming down on the OP here, meerly playing devils advocate.
But we don't know jack about the OP's boyfriend.

Maybe he doesn't know this.
Maybe it wasn't made clear to him.
Maybe he does have a mild erectile disfunction problem, and the condoms are causing the problem to be exhaserbated, and being a man, he's not copmfortable adressing the issue face on, so won't talk about it!
Maybe he just does have a low sex drive, and he hasn't even thought about it as much as the OP has been.
Or maybe he's meerly being stubborn and has no idea how much it is effecting his girlfriend.

While I'm not belittling or dispariging the OP's issues, I think that the automatic, and vehiment blame sent towards her boyfriend, when we only have a fraction of the info, is completely unwaranted.

Karmafaerie

prinz wrote: »

The bf isn't on this thread. Me calling Pat Kenny a plank isn't bullying, it's voicing an opinion. In any definition yet seen of bullying the victim needs to be made aware of it.

Yes it bloody well is bullying.
Insulting somebody behind there back is archtypical bullying, and the fact that you don't seem to know this worries me a bit.

If you were talking to Pat Kenny's wife, trying to influence her opinion of Pat Kenny, and implying that she should dump him, then yes, it is horrible bullying!

prinz wrote:

Not liking condoms has nothing to do with it. His reaction to his gf's issue has.

What reaction?!

Again, did you even read the original post?!


He's grand other than when it comes to this like he's not going round in a mood or anything for any other aspect

He has treated her in the exact same way as always, not "bullied" (:rolleyes:) her.
In fact, not even mentioned sex.

prinz wrote:

She has given him a chance to get his side of it. He has had two weeks to present his side of it. Most of the posters here have suggested the OP sit him down and go through it again. :rolleyes:

How the hell do you know this?!!!!!
You have no idea what she has said or done.
In fact, as she herself said, she tried to initiate sex on a few occasions.
That does not mean she sat down with him to talk it out.


And yes, a lot of good posters here, have suggested they talk it out.

You'll note that I have no issue with them, have agreed with them, and lauded them for it.
But there's a big difference between advising them to talk, and advising him to "dump the knobhead".


It's imature, reactionary, and ill-informed advice.

Ickle Magoo

Karmafaerie, this is the line in the OP that triggered my maturity comment;

he came back saying well then there's no point in having sex anymore so as there's no where near as good a feeling using condoms

Do you really think that's the adult way to deal with your gf's fear of getting pregnant? Throwing a strop and saying it's either sex without condoms or no sex?

Karmafaerie

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Karmafaerie, this is the line in the OP that triggered my maturity comment;

Are you honestly telling me that everything you ever say in an argument should be taken at face value?
We all sound imature in the middle of arguments.
It's natural.

You also don't know what context that was said in.
So again, it's people jumping to conclussions, with very little information.

Simple fact of the matter is, advissing the OP to dump her bopyfriend is pointless.
She should sit down, and reasonably talk this through with him.
Not with the intention of dumping him, or that he's a knob head, or lying to him about being or becoming pregnant to scare him, as has been suggested by some in this thread.

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Do you really think that's the adult way to deal with your gf's fear of getting pregnant? Throwing a strop and saying it's either sex without condoms or no sex?

Do you really think that the mature way to deal with it is to leave it be and then ignoring your boyfriends issues, repeatedly try and coax him into sex?
Cause that has been the OP's course of action, and is equally as immature as anything her boyfriend did.






Women are too quick to assume that everything men do is about sex.
And the reason that he is being called immature here is that some are assuming that all he cares about his having sex without the condom.

Please allow men some bit of a reasonable doubt.
There are a multitude of reasons that he may have drawn a line in the sand.
Don't degress him back to a neandrethal who's angry cause he has to wear a condom.

Cause that's not a very "mature" attitude to have about men, is it.

jelly&icecream

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Did you not read the original post?

He has not been huffing, puffing, or anything of the kind.
In fact the OP made a point of stating that he wasn't doing so.

Yes I read the post. Believe it or not I don't go around randomly clicking on reply buttons and typing in whatever stuff pops into my head.
I was referring to him withholding sex for 2 weeks. Sorry I should have made myself clearer.

His stance seems to be "I'm not having sex with condoms. End of story. No discussion. I'll ignore the problem and she'll probably get desperate enough eventually and sleep with me without them."
And the rest of the time they're together he's acting like everythings normal in the relationship
You can see why people on the thread aren't overly impressed. I appreciate that you're trying to play devils advocate and all that but its pretty obvious that the boyfriend is being at the very least being a immature by not addressing the issue head on in the case where he does have some kind of erectile dysfunction or at worst stubborn and uncaring.

Karmafaerie wrote: »

prinz wrote: »

The bf isn't on this thread. Me calling Pat Kenny a plank isn't bullying, it's voicing an opinion. In any definition yet seen of bullying the victim needs to be made aware of it.
Yes it bloody well is bullying.
Insulting somebody behind there back is archtypical bullying, and the fact taht you don't seem to know this worries me a bit.

So prinz is bullying Pat Kenny then?:D

Mike 1972

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Maybe he does have a mild erectile disfunction problem, and the condoms are causing the problem to be exhaserbated, and being a man, he's not copmfortable adressing the issue face on, so won't talk about it!.

Perhaps he does.

Which is why I already addressed the issue in my previous post

Mike 1972 wrote: »

If he has issues "remaining hard" there may be underlying medical or phsycological issues on his part. This may sound harsh but its him that has the problem and TBH he will be doing himself a favour by getting it looked into. Might even be just a matter of trying different brands of condom ?

"Being a man" (assuming thats what he really is) he will address the issue face on. But he certanely isint going to do himself any favours by burying his head in the sand and blaming it on condom use.

Ickle Magoo

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Are you honestly telling me that everything you ever say in an argument should be taken at face value?
We all sound imature in the middle of arguments.
It's natural.

You also don't know what context that was said in.
So again, it's people jumping to conclussions, with very little information.

It's been two weeks and far from being a heat-of-the-moment comment, he's stuck to his word.

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Simple fact of the matter is, advissing the OP to dump her bopyfriend is pointless.
She should sit down, and reasonably talk this through with him.
Not with the intention of dumping him, or that he's a knob head, or lying to him about being or becoming pregnant to scare him, as has been suggested by some in this thread.

Why would it be pointless? There are billions of people in the world to choose from, there is simply no need to be wrangling over issues - it's much easier to find someone who shares your core principles and who doesn't refuse to have sex with you unless they can go condomless...

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Do you really think that the mature way to deal with it is to leave it be and then ignoring your boyfriends issues, repeatedly try and coax him into sex?
Cause that has been the OP's course of action, and is equally as immature as anything her boyfriend did.

She's perfectly entitled to change mode of contraception at any time, I don't think trying to maintain normal sexual relations to see if the issue her bf had/has can be addressed is being immature. Rebuking her attempts without even attempting to try sex with a condom with her would suggest the issue isn't entirely physical - and it's the lack of willing to engage in sex and even try it that is painting her bf in a less than favourable light.

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Women are too quick to assume that everything men do is about sex.
And the reason that he is being called immature here is that some are assuming that all he cares about his having sex without the condom.

Please allow men some bit of a reasonable doubt.
There are a multitude of reasons that he may have drawn a line in the sand.
Don't degress him back to a neandrethal who's angry cause he has to wear a condom.

Cause that's not a very "mature" attitude to have about men, is it.

Give me a break! You say you are trying to play devils advocate but you seem to be determinedly ignoring some of the facts! :pac:

Okay, let's assume he's a honey who loves his gf and has had an unpleasant experience using condoms in the past...so you tell me why he hasn't tried to get over the issue? Why he's just declared there IS an issue and that's that. Tell me why he said in the heat of the moment he would refuse to have sex with a condom on and hasn't made the slightest effort to meet the OP half way since?

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

christina_x

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Are you honestly telling me that everything you ever say in an argument should be taken at face value?
.

well.. when the OPs boyfriend follows up on his statement... then yes.. it does be taken at face value

Darthhoob

personally i dont trust or like condoms at all but i would use them if having sex with someone you are not in a LTR with who you can trust....as well as the pill (well not the pill for me, i cannot take it lol!)..only for the issues of STDs though....fair enough if you want to use both though, that is being mature enough to prevent an unwanted situation.

i can see his POV, about it being ..well...not as nice, with a condom on... BUT he should take on board the reason for them. which is the bigger passion killer for him? a condom or a baby? i'm not as against the idea of having kids with my OH so the coil will do me just fine alone but for you, i'd be questioning about staying with this guy yet alone highering the possibility of having a baby with him (which if you give in to his childish...is what you'd be doing)

Darthhoob

AnonoBoy wrote: »

One method of contraception alone is not reliable and the pill can fail without either partner being aware it has failed until it's too late. Perhaps you and the OP's boyfriend could do with reading up on contraception a bit more.

Ironically some people are far more cautious and worried about contraception with short-term partners than they are with long-term ones. But this makes no sense as you're having sex a lot more with a long-term partner so the chances of contraception failing goes up.

it's probably because the idea of a baby isn't AS bad when you are in a long term relationship....plus you would use a hell of alot of condoms

Mike 1972

Darthhoob wrote: »

plus you would use a hell of alot of condoms

Still better than using a hell of a lot of nappies surely ?

LegacyUser

Hey Op here,

Great advice given here to me which I appreciate very much so thank you .
Yes we had been using just the pill but as I said I'm now worrying that longer we just rely on that that we could get caught out so I managed to have a talk with him about it which was all very calm and easy going and he said he can see fully my worries and said that he is sorry for his initial reaction and said that this was because he feels that it was in some way a rejection of him .

I still think he sees it that way as like we're going to become less intimate or close or something like that by me cutting of that particular way of having sex even though he has said he'll use condoms to keep my mind at ease as he doesn't want me or him worrying about getting pregnant and was 100% genuine in what he was saying which has made me feel a million times better but still think he see it as me rejecting him a bit

Darthhoob

Mike 1972 wrote: »

Still better than using a hell of a lot of nappies surely ?

yes, if you are totally against having children, if you are both open to the idea of having a baby then nappies wont bother you so much

unless you mean wearing them yourself? that WOULD be effective contraception

LegacyUser

How could your boyfriend see using condoms as rejection it's not as if you said you don't want to have sex anymore with him out of fear of getting pregnant,if that was the case then yeah I could see maybe why he'd feel a little rejected but not from you just wanting to use condoms.

jelly&icecream

Great to hear you're working through it together OP.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

It's good to hear ye had a good talk about it.

Hopefully, it'll all work out. I don't want to be a pessimist but as someone who went through something similar a year ago I feel an urge to give you my view.

I was in a very similar situation. I gave in because I felt guilty that he felt rejected. Now your bf may not be the same as my ex (I really hope not) but on the chance he is I want you to be careful.

My ex was extremely manipulative but my God, he was so good at it I had no idea. And I consider myself a good judge of character. Sometimes when we've gotten so close to someone it's hard to see through the facade of sweetness and affection to what is really going on.

Every time I gave in to his seemingly small compromises, his control of me grew and grew. He made me do things I look back on and cringe. He quickly grew cocky and the nice guy I knew was almost completely gone. I convinced myself something was wrong with me or he was under pressure. But I know now what changed. One night he'd tried to force me to do something. I literally had to fight him off and very firmly told him "No" (looking back I'm relieved I hadn't drank any alcohol). He complained for ages but this was one step too far (what he wanted me to do fed into a very sick fantasy and trust me I'm no prude). That night the tables changed.

I didn't know at the time what I'd done. I assumed it would be okay after he sulked for a bit. I even thought he might respect me more and things would go back to being lovely like they had been. He moved to a different county soon after and he dumped me. At the time, I couldn't understand why I wasn't more upset. I felt enormous relief.

I don't mean to scare you, but it started with the condoms thing with me too. I know a lot of guys don't like wearing them but it was the way you described his reaction that rang so many bells in my head. I've a new bf who I trust but I know now to watch out for signs of a power struggle or control.

Mike 1972

Darthhoob wrote: »

yes, if you are totally against having children, if you are both open to the idea of having a baby then nappies wont bother you so much

If that were the case one would hardly be using contraceptives ?