Pregnant Wife

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm looking for some advice on dealing with a pregnant wife.

Started Tuesday night, I came home from work in bad form. In the evening I said I’m in bad form. If I hadn’t said it, she’d have never known anything. So she says “after hearing that I’m now in bad form” and off she went to bed

I went to bed early too so I was back in great form Wed morning. Of course herself was still in bad form. So I rang her Wednesday during the day, and told her I’m going to the gym that I’ll be home shortly after 6. (I knew I shouldn’t have commited to a time there and then) but I didn’t leave work until later than I expected, went to the gym and was in the door at 7.

I got the “why didn’t you ring me when you knew you were going to be late”. I tried explaining that I wasnt intentionally late and I didnt bring my phone into the gym so I couldnt ring her.

She had made dinner of course and now it was ruined.

After our daughter went to bed, she then told me that there is no love, we’re not a family, we only live together etc etc… and since we are all trapped here we will just live separate lives.. you get the gist.

She went to bed and this morning she still has the face. Today is her doctors appointment, she says she is going on her own. We should be able to tell if the baby is boy/girl today. I said I was going too but to that she said she is cancelling the apt.

I understand that there are hormones involved, but my wife doesnt want anything got to do with me at the moment. I am looking for some advice on how to deal with her. (Pls don't say buy her a present as we havent got a pot to pee in at the moment.)

Tks

seamus

Well it does seem just from your post like there a lot of daily grind in your lives, like you're just going through the motions at present.

When's the last time you went out for dinner, just the two of you? When's the last time you had some time together, on the couch, daughter in bed, just talking?

It also seems like you're quite focussed on you at present. You felt the need to tell her that you're in a bad mood. You know in reality that the gym situation was entirely your bad, yet you seem irritated that your wife would get annoyed by it.

It all seems rather selfish, like you're not entirely respecting her existence. If you left the office late, a text is simple (even if not ideal) - "sorry love, I'm running late, be home around 7". Instead you opted to say nothing and let her have dinner ready 45 minutes earlier than it needed to be.

LegacyUser

We all get a bit cranky, from time to time, but picture this?


You're pregnant, trying to mind yourself, and a child. A child for the day is hard work. You cook dinner for your husband, at least he'll be home and he'll be some adult with whom you can interact, eh?

But, he doesn't bother coming home until it's well late. He couldn't even lift the phone to tell you he was running late. His Gym date was more important, eh?

Then he saunters in and expects everything to be OK?

Child is tired, it's time for bed.
You're tired. The dinner you prepared is only fit for the bin.

And then he wonders what's the problem?



FFS, a pregnant woman has enough to contend with without adding to the problem by treating her like a doormat.

cherryred

i don't like the phrase "deal with" when refering to a pregnant woman!

Anyway you probably need to up the ante a bit.

Things that are free/quite cheap
Saying nice things - i love you, you're brilliant, etc
Cooking dinner
Being punctual - this is SO important especially when she's cooking for you. Good lord man what were you thinking!
A Chocolate bar - they cost 50c
Flowers - you can get them in M&S for €5, put them in a vase yourself don't leave her to do it.

These are quite basic things really. She has an alien growing inside her, be nice!

Oryx

Im also gonna play out the scenario from her point of view. After all, I think thats what you want, to understand whats up.

Im pregnant. Im tired, Ive heartburn/feel sick.
I have a small child to look after everyday. It wrecks my head.
We have no money.
I feel distant from my husband because we are so busy and caught up with providing for our family.
I never have fun anymore.
He gets to go out to work and speak to adults.
He gets to go out to the gym and come home when it suits him.
Im pregnant and fat, I wish I could go to the gym.
Im stuck here on my own. Im lonely.
Then he comes home and 'is in a bad mood' and Im supposed to just deal with that. What about me?
He doesnt care, because he never shows it.


Im not saying all of the above is what she is thinking. But allow that some of it is, and you might begin to understand where she is at, and why you are now bearing the brunt of her moods.

Moomoo1

I frankly don't think you did anything wrong, and tbh are being quite harshly treated. Being 45 minutes late doesn't constitute a crime (esp. if this is not a common occurence for you). Not allowing your partner to come to an ultrasound does.

seamus

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Being 45 minutes late doesn't constitute a crime (esp. if this is not a common occurence for you).

No, but if someone is depending on you being there on time, then common courtesy is that you call or at least text them to tell them that you won't be.
And if he's not even showing his wife basic respect, there's something wrong.

enry

are you sure your the father, same thing happened to a friend of mine turned out he was not the father.

Wibbs

NOt exactly helpful or sympathetic enry. lets think before posting please.

Moomoo1

seamus wrote: »

No, but if someone is depending on you being there on time, then common courtesy is that you call or at least text them to tell them that you won't be.
And if he's not even showing his wife basic respect, there's something wrong.

like with most things, it's a matter of degree. If you are late once by 45 minutes and don't call, ok, that's not nice, but it's not the end of the world. If he made a habit of it, or if he was late by hours, that's different...

plus, most dinners don't go cold in 45 minutes if you wrap them in foil or leave them in the oven.

EDIT and wibbs, most entries in this thread haven't been very sympathetic...

LegacyUser

Man35 wrote: »

Hi,

I'm looking for some advice on dealing with a pregnant wife.

Started Tuesday night, I came home from work in bad form. In the evening I said I’m in bad form. If I hadn’t said it, she’d have never known anything. So she says “after hearing that I’m now in bad form” and off she went to bed

I went to bed early too so I was back in great form Wed morning. Of course herself was still in bad form. So I rang her Wednesday during the day, and told her I’m going to the gym that I’ll be home shortly after 6. (I knew I shouldn’t have commited to a time there and then) but I didn’t leave work until later than I expected, went to the gym and was in the door at 7.

I got the “why didn’t you ring me when you knew you were going to be late”. I tried explaining that I wasnt intentionally late and I didnt bring my phone into the gym so I couldnt ring her.

She had made dinner of course and now it was ruined.

After our daughter went to bed, she then told me that there is no love, we’re not a family, we only live together etc etc… and since we are all trapped here we will just live separate lives.. you get the gist.

She went to bed and this morning she still has the face. Today is her doctors appointment, she says she is going on her own. We should be able to tell if the baby is boy/girl today. I said I was going too but to that she said she is cancelling the apt.

I understand that there are hormones involved, but my wife doesnt want anything got to do with me at the moment. I am looking for some advice on how to deal with her. (Pls don't say buy her a present as we havent got a pot to pee in at the moment.)

Tks

I agree with another person's post over your choice of words.....you want people to give you advice on how to 'deal' with her? She's not a bomb waiting to go off, she's not an irate customer on the phone, she's your wife and she's going through a bad patch. Be there for her instead of complaining about her 'having a face' (it's hard to believe you made vows with this person!)

You understand there are hormones involved, but you should also understand that your wife is human and is bound to go through rough patches every now and again. As does everyone, hormones or no hormones

ChocolateRamses

Am I the only person who thinks this is a bit ott? From your wife and some of the posters here?

Let me rephrase events, you were having a crappy Tuesday and you told your wife this, "I'm having a bad day", doesn't seem terribly unreasonable, obviously many of the posters here seem to think being pregnant gives you license to act up, but surely even they think it's unreasonable to go into a huff for 2 days because someone tells you their having a bad day?

You were going to the gym on Wednesday, you said you'd be home at 6, you were delayed in work, it was 7 when you got home. Ok so maybe you coudl have called, but as you say you didn't have your phone in the gym. Honestly what's the big deal here? You were an hour late, I'm sure it's happened before, part of a stable relationship is that we accept our partners will be late once in a while, and even make the occasional mistake, (shocking I know).

No doubt I'll be villified for saying this, but unless there's a whole pattern of you constantly being late home, and just generally a bad husband, then I think your wife is either completely hormonal, or just acting up because she thinks she can get away with it.

ChocolateRamses

sunflower27 wrote: »

I think it's quite clear that this isnt a one-off thing. He says they are living separate lives. You dont say that after one bad evening.

Sorry but I don't see where HE says that in his post. His wife said it, but I don't see any refernece to him saying it, or agreeing with it.

All I see is an account of one day where the OP was in a bad mood and his wife took that as an excuse to go into a sulk,and another day where he was an hour late and she threw a complete wobbler.

But then I'm probably just crazy.

Barracudaincork

I cant believe the flack the OP is getting here, IMO ok the wife is pregnant and therefore hormonal but i think she is using this as an excuse to punish her husband cause she feels crap about herself.

Other posters have mentioned she is protecting the baby, worrying about the baby etc etc Do you think the OP doesnt care about the baby? Of course he does, but you dont see him treating his wife so coldly.

The whole wont let him come to the scan is cruel, mean and so childish its unreal. His wife behaviour is not just rude to the OP, but she felt it ok to cancel an important scan cause she was upset, doesnt sound like a women who cares for her baby there, more like a women who wants to upset her husband.

ChocolateRamses

sunflower27 wrote: »

She said it, I stand corrected, but by the complacent attitude he had to not bothering to call her it sounds to me like she is probably right. He made the point of saying he'd be home at a certain time, he couldnt be arsed to let her know. Of course she's annoyed - her hormones are all over the place, she's stuck in the house with a child all day and her husband couldt take 10 seconds to say he'll be late.

There's obviously a lot more to this than just one time being late.

He was in the gym in the middle of a workout, I don't consider that complacent, I consider it unreasonable of his wife to throw a hissy fit because he was late one evening.

To me it sounds like the OP is trying to get on with things while his pregnant wife acts like some sort of spoiled child.

ChocolateRamses

sunflower27 wrote: »

He wasnt in the middle of a work-out. He left work to go the gym LATE. He says this. He knew he wouldnt be home at the time he said but didnt bother to let her know before he got to the gym that he was going to be late.

Couldnt be arsed.

Of course, I mean he's only working everyday to support this woman, and naturally the fact that he didn't call her was down to him being an indifferent bastard, and not simply that maybe he forgot, or maybe he was pissed off at her for being moody and unreasonable, but apparently that's all superseded by his wifes pregnancy.

With some of the attitudes I'm seeing on here this morning I wouldn't blame the OP for actually being indifferent to his wife.

seamus

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

and another day where he was an hour late and she threw a complete wobbler.

Have you ever actually cooked for anyone else?

Bizarrely it's actually the fact that he's normally reliable that makes this a bit worse. So she had dinner ready for 6.15 (say). So she doesn't serve it yet just to keep it fresh.
So she waits. 15 minutes pass, she needs to keep slightly heating and stirring what's in the pots to stop them coagulating/overcooking. She rings, no answer. That's weird.
So she waits another 15 minutes, still no sign. Dinner is effectively ruined at this stage, some parts are cold, some parts are dry and some parts are overcooked. Maybe she rings again, no answer. Now she's getting worried - maybe something happened to him on the way home.
She serves her own anyway and leaves the rest in the pots to continue getting stale and dry.

The OP saunters in and makes lame excuses, acting like it's no big deal.

If he was habitually late, this wouldn't be a problem. She would have made dinner for 6.45 and no harm done. If he had called her from the office when he realised he was going to leave late, again, she could have had it ready later.

Now, taken in isolation, was her response OTT to this incident? Yes. But this clearly isn't a response to this specific incident. It's a response to whole series of similar incidents where the OP, for whatever reason, failed to show basic respect for the woman who's at home looking after his current child and carrying his next.

I can't stress enough how irritating it is to be dependent on someone to be somewhere at a specific time and have them wander in ridiculously late and act like they've done nothing wrong.

Imagine you were waiting on a family member to give you a lift to the airport at a particular time. You're standing waiting, time is getting on, you're getting more and more anxious, you ring, no answer. Then they arrive up 45 minutes late, all cheery and howya, and saying, "It's not my fault I got out of bed late, my alarm clock didn't go off and I couldn't call you because I left my phone at home".

As a specific incident, it's not ground for divorce, but it's a big enough straw to break any camel's back.

ChocolateRamses

seamus wrote: »

Now, taken in isolation, was her response OTT to this incident? Yes. But this clearly isn't a response to this specific incident. It's a response to whole series of similar incidents where the OP, for whatever reason, failed to show basic respect for the woman who's at home looking after his current child and carrying his next.

I have to take issue with this, how is everyone drawing the conclusion that this is obviously an ongoing thing? The OP hasn't said any of this, he's outlined 2 days of events, and people have just gone to town on him for it.

Also from what the OP is describing it seems to me the lack of respect is coming from the pregnant wife and not the OP.

And for the record, yes I have cooked dinner for people before.

Barracudaincork

seamus wrote: »

It's a response to whole series of similar incidents where the OP, for whatever reason, failed to show basic respect for the woman who's at home looking after his current child and carrying his next.

Or its the response to a whole series of incidents where the wife for whatever reason, failed to show appreciation for the man whos at work all day earning money for the roof over her head and food in her belly etc

Marriage is a two way street, a lot of views here a very one sided like the wife could do no wrong. Please remember people while yes she is carrying his child, thousands of women do exactly this every day in the world, in worse conditions sometimes, she isnt exactly the only women and therefore has to be treated with kit gloves.

He came on here to look for suggestions to how to cope/deal with this change in his wifes behaviour, if he was such a bad husband, he wouldnt give a sh*t!

Barracudaincork

sunflower27 wrote: »

He's the one that waltzes in and says he is in a bad mood -

.

At least the man is honest, better that than a whole night of "whats wrong" "Nothing", "whats wrong" "nothing", all night until eventually the whats wrong is spat out.

He is entitled to feel how he feels and say it and doesnt have to censor stuff just because his wife is pregnant.

Barracudaincork

sunflower27 wrote: »

Becasse she said the love is gone, they are living separate lives. You dont just say that after one argument do you? .

No most people wont, but most people also wont permit the father to go to a scan.

ChocolateRamses

sunflower27 wrote: »

Yeah poor him :rolleyes:

He's the one that waltzes in and says he is in a bad mood - like that's nice to hear when your partner comes in the door; he's the one that cant be bothered to call her. Yeah, poor OP.

We're obviously not going to agree so we'll agree to disagree then.

Let's assume for a second that you're correct, and the OP just forgot to call his wife because he wasn't arsed.

So what? People are jumping all over the OP here like he's some kind of sexual deviant, when all we know is that he was late for dinner one evening.

Part of any relationship has to involve a willingness to compromise, and often that will not be the sexy compromise of letting your partner go on top every once in a while, it's more usually something like, "ok so my pregnant wife is being a bit hormonal, but I'll let it slide because I know that she's hormonal and I'm trying to be an understanding husband", or maybe, "my husband is an hour late, and hasn't called, but I'm going to let it slide because I realise it isn't always easy to get one with a pregnant wife, and I'm trying to be an understanding wife".

F*&^ me but people on here seem to think his wife being pregnant relegates the OP to being her personal whipping boy.

seamus

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

I have to take issue with this, how is everyone drawing the conclusion that this is obviously an ongoing thing? The OP hasn't said any of this, he's outlined 2 days of events, and people have just gone to town on him for it.

Two days, in a row, where he admits no fault of his own. If the OP thought he had done anything wrong, he wouldn't even be here asking for advice. Instead he wants people to go, "Yeah, your wife is clearly just a crazy hormonal bitch" and validate himself.

Even the most unreasonable hormonal woman doesn't turn around and make declarations such as, "we are not a family" after two bad days. This is why there's far more to it than two bad days.

If the OP comes back and tells us that it was all sunshine and rainbows and laughter last weekend, then we can change our opinions, but based on the OP, the most reasonable assumption to make is that these are not isolated incidents.

Also from what the OP is describing it seems to me the lack of respect is coming from the pregnant wife and not the OP.

Having dinner ready for him when he comes home, that bitch, how dare she.

ChocolateRamses

seamus wrote: »

Two days, in a row, where he admits no fault of his own. If the OP thought he had done anything wrong, he wouldn't even be here asking for advice. Instead he wants people to go, "Yeah, your wife is clearly just a crazy hormonal bitch" and validate himself.

Hang on a second, the first day he was having a bad day, and may the heavens strike the man down, but he told his wife he was having a bad day.

How does that constitute any wrongdoing at all on the part of the OP?

Sorry Seamus, but you're putting 1 and 1 together and coming up with 5.

And why is it that no-one will even entertain the notion that maybe the OP isn't an indifferent jerk? Maybe he's a genuine guy, who cares for his wife, and family, and just forgot to call her one evening when he was late. Most of the responses here, including your own, have cut the guy to ribbons on next to no evidence.

ChocolateRamses

sunflower27 wrote: »

Of course he is, but it's hardly going to help if she's moody/miserable at the moment with no money, having tos tay in or whatever. He asked what he could do to improve things - well, maybe be a bit more senstive, say he's in a bad mood and why, not just retire to bed early and then not bother to ring the next day when he knows he's going to be late.

So basically you feel that any negative feeling on the wifes part is just cause for expecting the OP to drop whatever he's doing and prioritise her every whim. And you don't feel that kind of thinking would put an incredible amount of strain on a relationship? Or that it's incredibly juvenile?

I can tell 2010 is going to be the year we finally settle the battle of the sexes.

Barracudaincork

sunflower27 wrote: »

- not just retire to bed early .

If you re read the opening post you will see she went to bed first not the OP, he then followed!

Barracudaincork

sunflower27 wrote: »

Bit of cop on wouldnt go amiss.

.

From both parties!!!

ChocolateRamses

sunflower27 wrote: »

Well, honestly, the coming home late form the gym and not calling is probably an indiciation of where you were at in this relationship. Sounds as if you have become complacent and the usual courtesy phone call jsut went out the window.

Yeah that's fair and balanced.

sunflower27 wrote: »

Without being harsh, I think you both need to grow up a bit. Saying I'm in a bad mood and stomping off to bed or whatever is not getting either of you anywhere.

Except that it was his wife who stomped off to bed, and are you saying that the OP should not tell his wife if he's having a bad day?

sunflower27 wrote: »

You need to sit down and have an honest talk to her. Is the relationship worth salvaging? Is she prepared to consider counselling.

Seriously? He comes home late one evening and you think the relationship might not be worth salvaging, and that they should consider counselling?

This thread is in danger of turning into a big row with bans abroad after, so this is my last post here, but honestly, I'm appalled at the automatic assertion that the OP obviously takes his wife for granted on foot of one, minor, oversight.

Barracudaincork

sunflower27 wrote: »

I read the post. The both went to bed early without resolving anything is my point. It doesnt matter who went first, he went early himself he said.

Why was he the one who had to resolve it, she was the one who went to bed to deliberately not resolve it. She is an adult too.

Look, im not trying to be one sided here, i do beleive that a bit of give and take and understanding for the other person wouldnt go a miss here from either of them, but i really dont think the wife is as blameless as you appear to make her.

straricco

Oryx wrote: »

Im pregnant. Im tired, Ive heartburn/feel sick.
I have a small child to look after everyday. It wrecks my head.
We have no money.
I feel distant from my husband because we are so busy and caught up with providing for our family.
I never have fun anymore.
He gets to go out to work and speak to adults.
He gets to go out to the gym and come home when it suits him.
Im pregnant and fat, I wish I could go to the gym.
Im stuck here on my own. Im lonely.
Then he comes home and 'is in a bad mood' and Im supposed to just deal with that. What about me?
He doesnt care, because he never shows it.

I think this just about sums it up. And opinions can differ but from a womans point of view this is prob about right. And the reality is that alot of the time it is the women that are "stuck" at home looking after the children. Looking at 4 walls all day and minding a child, being pregnant and feeling tired and hormonal, not a great combination. Anyone that has never been pregnant could have no idea how drained you are, so to cook a dinner would in fact be a HUGE effort. I remember being on maternity leave and waiting impatiently on my partner to come home from work, just to have an adult conversation!

Barracudaincork

straricco wrote: »

I think this just about sums it up. And opinions can differ but from a womans point of view this is prob about right. And the reality is that alot of the time it is the women that are "stuck" at home looking after the children. Looking at 4 walls all day and minding a child, being pregnant and feeling tired and hormonal, not a great combination. Anyone that has never been pregnant could have no idea how drained you are, so to cook a dinner would in fact be a HUGE effort. I remember being on maternity leave and waiting impatiently on my partner to come home from work, just to have an adult conversation!

An adult conversation implies that two adults need to take part in it, the wife hasnt been very adult like in her approach. Also this whole stuck at home thing and how hard it is, nobody made you or any other women fall pregnant and have to live like this. I know plenty of women who dont feel how you felt becuase they choose not to, they make there home life work for them and not against them and yes they all have time to cook, granted not 5 course gourmet meals but still meals. It really bewilders me when i hear stuff like this and i realise my Granny had 12 kids and still managed to do so much! Life is what you make it regardless of what position in life you are in.