Wedding Gift Dilemna

Fox1978

Thanks to anyone who can help with this. We're stuck and don't want to offend people, so need to get this right.

Basically, we are getting married and would prefer people to contribute to our Honeymoon as a wedding gift. We have set up a new bank account called Honeymoon. We are now about to send out the invites. In the invites, we were going to include a map, directions to the hotel and also mention about this wedding gift.

However my worry is that we shouldn't be including this wedding gift info, account number, etc in the wedding invites. We also have set up a website so we could direct people there, where they could find out lots of info plus we could put the wedding gift info there too (though that brings up a seperate issue about putting bank details online in the public domain - but maybe that's not an issue really).

Anyhow, anyone out there who's asked for monetary gifts and how they worded it and got around the awkwardness of asking for money in a presumptuous offer of a gift would be most welcome!

TY!

The Big Red Button

Most people these days give money these days instead of presents. Otherwise, they will ask yourself or your fiance or your families what they should give, and you can then give them the information about the honeymoon account.

Now I realise that you'd rather get the honeymoon finances sorted before the wedding itself, but in my opinion I think it is a little bit presumptuous to include the account details in the invitation. Put it this way - the older-fashioned people who would buy you toasters and china sets anyways are the same people who would get quite offended by the request, but those people will be very much in the minority anyways.

Maybe that's just me being old-fashioned though. Personally I wouldn't have a wedding gift list for my own wedding, and I wouldn't be comfortable with having a special honeymoon account either. Now it's different for me, as I'm getting married abroad and not expecting any gifts, but even if I wasn't I still wouldn't feel right about it.

implausible

In my opinion, telling people to put money into an account for your honeymoon is the height of bad manners.

I understand that people factor in gifts into their wedding budget but telling them outright is in bad taste and will offend a lot of people. Why not put the word out (through family and friends) that you would prefer cash gifts? People don't come to your wedding to pay for your honeymoon!

Sizzler

Thats a tricky one! When we were booking our honeymoon the travel agent offered this as an option but having slept on it it didnt seem the right thing to do. Yes people will give you money, especially if you are lucky enough to have a house and pretty much everything in it but some people arent comfortable giving cash, not everybody has the same mindset and you have to respect that.

There will be aunties and uncles who will want to buy you something tangible or give you a voucher to make you buy something, being railroaded into paying your for your honeymoon might not be their bag.

If you can afford the honeymoon that you really want then just go and pay for it and if you get any cash gifts just take them as a bonus, as thats what they are!

mikemac

chatterpillar wrote: »

Most people these days give money these days instead of cash.

I was a bit confused by this

OP, I'd say don't put the account information on the invite.
But you can put the word out among family and friends that's you'd prefer cash. Younger people know the score

But older people may not go along with this so don't be bothered.
After all, if they give you money it'll be forgotten quickly. If they give you something like maybe an ornament clock or Waterford crystal that you put on your mantelpiece then in 10 years it'll still be there and you'll remember who gave it.

Either way, attending a wedding is expensive between accommodation, drinks, outfits and using annual leave from work.
A present is a bonus, you will get one from most but don't assume anything.

The Big Red Button

mikemac wrote: »

I was a bit confused by this

Whoops - edited, thanks

joey54

I was invited to a friends wedding and in the invites they basically said that as they were considering moving home in the next year they didn't want gifts, just cash!

I thought this was very rude and felt that as I wasn't best buddies with the couple that I was simply being invited to add to their bank account! I would be very wary of asking people to lodge money into a bank a/c. Surely you want them at your wedding because they are important to you and not just for their cash!

ecaf

Be careful about this, if your honeymoon needs to be paid in advance you may not have the money in time. From our experience, we didn't have a gift list, but the majority of people choose to give us money. But most of the money didn't come until very close to the day or on the actual day itself.

It didn't matter to us because we had the money already saved for the reception and honeymoon. And when we buy our home we will put the money towards appliances and furniture.
But on the Sunday after the wedding we ended up opening cards, counting money, and getting it ready for our parents to lodge for us, while we went off on honeymoon.

I also agree that I would find it extremely rude if someone gave us account details or asked for money, be it on the invites or on your wedding website.
Leave it up to the people to decide, if they give you money then lodge it into your account yourselves. Or if they ask you / your parents what you want get them to say discreetly that its up themselves, but preferably money because they have X, Y & Z things already.

galah

seriously, if someone had the cheek to include bank details on their invites, I would go out of my way to buy the most inappropriate, un-returnable wedding gift ever. Think mock-stone decorations engraved with the couple's names, hideous oil paitings, crystal swans, or something along those lines...

Get the word out if you must, but do not under any circumstances request cash gifts on the invite...

McCABE1

That is the worst thing I have ever heard, I would be so offended if I saw this on the invite. As mentioned previously most people will give money but to actually include a bank account number on the invite !!! Its rude, pushy and comes across as a little moneygrabbing.

rainbowtrout

You may as well send the invite out saying 'Cold hard cash only, please lodge to bank account. Bank drafts, cheques and paypal not accepted'

If i got an invite dictating what to give and where to give it I would probably go out of my way to get a tangible present. As has been said plenty of times in other posts, your friends will probably give you money anyway and in the run up to the wedding, people that don't know what to give can be advised by family, best man, bridesmaid that money would be preferred, but don't dictate to your guests what gift to give. It's really rude. Especially if they're being told it's your honeymoon account, then they are just funding your wedding instead of giving a gift. I know realistically a lot of couples probably do pay for a chunk of their wedding/honeymoon from money received as gifts, but you don't need to put it in print for everyone. You should be preparing to pay for stuff in advance and cash gifts after that are a bonus. What if you get 150 toasters or bales of towels?

And even if you did go ahead with the bank account thing (although it's clear I'm not in favour with this idea), I'm not sure your guests would be as happy with it. Guests like to be able to give a gift even if that is money in a card, and know you got it and know you're aware of what they gave you. That kind of detail can get lost with a list of anonymous lodgments to an account. Should I put the lodgment receipt in the card so you know what I gave? Or just pretend that I was the one who lodged €500 to your account - They'll probably just put money in a card anyway.

Toots

I had a couple come into a the bank branch where I work to lodge cash into their nephew's 'honeymoon account', bank details on the invitation and all. Honestly I was gobsmacked when they showed me the invitation, and evidently didn't hide my shock well, because the woman started laughing and said that was exactly how she reacted when she opened the invitation. It was her sister's son that was getting married, and apparently when she saw the invitations she nearly had a stroke and had actually phoned the grandparents and a few other relatives to apologise! I think that's going a bit far, but still.

IMO, directly asking for cash gifts only is rude. Actually putting account details on the wedding invitation is so rude it's actually off the scale!! If someone did this to me, I'd go out and buy them the ugliest set of china I could find just out of spite! Either that or send them a little card with a notelet saying a donation of 'x' amount has been made to 'x' charity on your behalf. Honestly, I think it's incredibly cheeky, and will probably be offensive to a lot of your guests. Best bet is to put the word out through friends/family that you would prefer cash, but remember a wedding present is a gift, so people will choose what they get you, not the other way around. Just please please please don't go putting things like bank account details, or 'cash gifts only' on the wedding invitations. It basically gives the impression that you don't see your wedding as a celebration of two people dedicating their lives to each other, but rather as a cash cow to make an easy few quid and go on a nice holiday. Not saying that you do, but that's the way it could come across.

marquise

deemark wrote: »

In my opinion, telling people to put money into an account for your honeymoon is the height of bad manners.

+1 I wouldn't do it.

Fox1978

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

I had no idea there would be such a strong reaction against it. We have set up the bank account and I guess our initial thinking was that people may be more willing to give money if it's into a Honeymoon as they know it's for a specific purpose than just hand over money. But from what people are saying here, they don't think that's the case.

Cool, well we obviously won't be going with the info in the invites! Now we do have a website and we may make some sort of mention on our blog that "we obviously don't expect presents but if you would like to give one then it would be incredibly helpful if you were able to contribute towards our honeymoon costs" or something along those lines. We could say that if they wish they can e-mail us for more details about that. We'll kinda play it a bit by ear anyhow, as you say the word will get out there that we'd like money for our honeymoon so it may not ever be necessary to formally state it on the site.

TY:D

rainbowtrout

Fox1978 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

I had no idea there would be such a strong reaction against it. We have set up the bank account and I guess our initial thinking was that people may be more willing to give money if it's into a Honeymoon as they know it's for a specific purpose than just hand over money. But from what people are saying here, they don't think that's the case.

Cool, well we obviously won't be going with the info in the invites! Now we do have a website and we may make some sort of mention on our blog that "we obviously don't expect presents but if you would like to give one then it would be incredibly helpful if you were able to contribute towards our honeymoon costs" or something along those lines. We could say that if they wish they can e-mail us for more details about that. We'll kinda play it a bit by ear anyhow, as you say the word will get out there that we'd like money for our honeymoon so it may not ever be necessary to formally state it on the site.

TY:D

I know I made my point already, but really you don't need to mention on your website at all. It will still look like you're asking for gifts, and gifts by their definition are something that people choose to give. And if you mention the honeymoon at all it'll still look like you're asking for your guests to pay for your wedding/honeymoon. Leave it lie and let word get out by word of mouth so to speak. If the parents and siblings, best man, bridesmaids etc on both sides know that you would prefer money as a gift if people ask (you don't have to say what it will be used for) word will get out pretty quickly without you having to be explicit about it.

muffinob1

I'm getting married in the next few weeks and I have to say that even the thought of putting it on the site is a bit crude and vulgar. People have started to ask us what we would like and honestly it makes me cringe I want friends and family there not their money. When pressed we say money or one for all vouchers but not to feel pressed to get anything.

If I got an invite or directed to a site to tell me what to get for a couple I would RSVP with a no and would give no present. If you're having a reception to make money maybe ye should reconsider cos I'm not sure ye'll get great money these.

Also as mentioned by a poster above a lot of presents come on the day or the week of the wedding so ye really won't be able to use for the honeymoon. If ye can't afford it maybe ye need to reconsider the trip or postpone until a later date.

Hope ye enjoy the day but I really would advise caution as ye risk upsetting and insulting many people with the invite and/or site

Toots

Fox1978 wrote: »

Now we do have a website and we may make some sort of mention on our blog that "we obviously don't expect presents but if you would like to give one then it would be incredibly helpful if you were able to contribute towards our honeymoon costs" or something along those lines. We could say that if they wish they can e-mail us for more details about that.

For the love of god, don't do this!!! It's pretty much as bad as putting it on the card. As you said, word will get out anyway. There's no need to put it on your website/blog.

Fox1978

Cool, thanks guys.

Our Honeymoon isn't until April so it'll be like 4 months after the wedding so no immediate rush. We could just do it that way as suggested (i.e. not put it on the web and if people bring money on the day or closer to the time then cool) but it does surprise me the intense hostility towards making suggestions for presents! People prefer to contribute towards something worthwhile/weddingy like the Honeymoon rather than just hand over cash which you could spend on anything.

Only recently, I attended a wedding and the couple had set up a site with info, etc and said something along the lines of "we do not expect a present but if people want to, then a voucher for X would be great". People had no issue with this as it saves everyone trying to figure out what to give, having to ask around, second guess. And come on, let's not pretend the couple don't expect a gift these days. You can say it's rude to suggest gifts you want. But it'd also be rude for guests not to give a gift. Just the way these things are these days.

Anyhow, thanks again for the advice. I've got the point now (don't put it in invite, don't put it on website, let word of mouth do the work)

muffinob1

I think there prob is a difference between saying if you wish to give a gift we'd like vouchers for X than saying we've set up a bank account please lodge money!!

Also I don't think it's rude not to give a gift, that said I always do, but I know we have a lot of guests travelling for ours and the expense of the day itself and the fact that they are there to celebrate really is enough. If the reason people are getting married is to make money and get presents it seems really odd to me.

The less we expect the happier we'll be with what we get. Sorry if I sound old fashioned but I just find the idea of expeting gifts really distasteful and rude. And it seems that the purpose of the wedding has been forgotten.:rolleyes:

tomcollins97

You need to watch out here – we are in the middle of a recession and people will be far more cautious with their cash. A few years ago you would have been fairly sure of getting cash but I wouldn’t bank on it now.

I for one have started picking up quirky gifts if I see something that is nice – there will always someone to give them too. You could find that you receive more ornaments/art etc that people have managed to buy for less than the €150 or €200 they may put into a card.

Bear in mind that attending a wedding is expensive – I would be inviting people in the hope that their gift will more than cover the cost of attending your wedding.

Ebonyellie

it goes beyond bad manners, its practically insulting. My sister was asked to contribute to a honeymoon a few months ago, she could not afford a holiday this year and was not impressed to be asked to help pay for somebody elses. My point is you have to take peoples feeling into consideration. These are finacially difficult times we are facing and matters of money are increasingly sensitive issues. You could just agree to take a percentage of any cash gifts you may receive and lodge it to your honeymoon account. I got married three years ago, and we did get mostly cash, but i absolutely love the presents i received for my home. you made the point that it is rude not to give a present, in my opinion it is far more rude to ask or expect one.

BC

I'm shocked at some of the reactions to this!

My own opinion would be that putting the information in the invite is a bit too pushy, I would keep it to yourselves and if people ask what you would like for a gift then you can tell them. I have the same opinion about wedding lists, I would never include it in an invitation but would give the information if someone asked.

In relation to the more general issue of giving cash - i would never expect it, however if someone did wish to buy me a present I would much rather vouchers or cash or something like that. The simple reason being that myself and fiance already live together and have everything we need for our home. Buying us toasters etc would be a waste of peoples money as they just wouldn't be used. We also live in a small apartment so ornaments etc are of no use as we simply don't have the space. As a guest at a wedding I'd much rather give the bride & groom something that they want rather than something I think they should want.

Fox1978

BC wrote: »

I'm shocked at some of the reactions to this!

My own opinion would be that putting the information in the invite is a bit too pushy, I would keep it to yourselves and if people ask what you would like for a gift then you can tell them. I have the same opinion about wedding lists, I would never include it in an invitation but would give the information if someone asked.

In relation to the more general issue of giving cash - i would never expect it, however if someone did wish to buy me a present I would much rather vouchers or cash or something like that. The simple reason being that myself and fiance already live together and have everything we need for our home. Buying us toasters etc would be a waste of peoples money as they just wouldn't be used. We also live in a small apartment so ornaments etc are of no use as we simply don't have the space. As a guest at a wedding I'd much rather give the bride & groom something that they want rather than something I think they should want.

Thanks for this BC. I think that's the way we're going to go with it. Yes some of the reactions are a bit OTT here. Obviously we're not getting married just to make money! As anyone knows, getting married breaks your bank 4 times over! It was suggested that it's more rude for a couple to suggest a wedding gift/list over someone not giving a present but I think that's just mad. I don't think I've ever heard of someone not giving a wedding gift unless they're had to fly to somewhere foreign for the wedding (which is fine though I'd prob still give a gift, just something smaller). But yeah it is important to be recession-conscious too. I know someone above said maybe they're a little old-fashioned and that's fine. When the initial idea about cash gifts came up, it grated for me too. Until, that is, I started asking around and doing some research and found these days lots of young couples ask for cash over gifts. Maybe it's just a sign of the times.

Toots

The thing is, generally if ye're already living together, most people will find it much easier to just stick a few quid in a card and give it to you, rather than trawl the shops trying to find something for the house that you don't already have.

Odds are on that you probably will get cash in a card for the most part, but as others have said, people are under a lot of pressure financially these days, and they may well be stretched thin enough with the costs of attending a wedding, let alone having to fork up for a cash gift. Some people might only have a very small amount to spend on a gift, and might prefer to get you something nice rather than stick €20 in a card for fear of looking 'cheap'.

At the end of the day, as I said above, it's not like making your list for Santa, you don't get to choose what, if any, presents you get for your wedding. There's a sort of 'etiquette' around wedding gifts, and in general asking for cash is seen as rude, that's just how it is. Not everyone sees it this way, but a lot of people do. It's a pretty touchy subject around here, so you're going to get some heated responses A lot of your guests will probably ask your parents/wedding party what would be a good gift to get you, so if they say cash would be best, in all likelihood that's what you'll get. It's just a matter of how you put the word out, it can still be done without being as blunt as putting your account details in the invitations.

Fox1978

Cheers for that Toots! Yep I always felt it a bit rude to ask for money, just it seemed as we started hearing other people had done it we thought it'd become more acceptable. Prob has a bit but I think it's still a bit weird/rude, etc. Anyhow do appreciate the opinions of everyone here, even if some are quite dramatic

00112984

Would you consider just charging an entry fee to the reception instead? :rolleyes:

tinkerbell

I think it's very rude to mention any sort of presents on an invitation or to tell people what to get you. Especially now considering that money is really tight for most people, people losing jobs, a big horrible budget coming up at the end of the year, etc.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - weddings are meant to be a celebration with people you want there rather than assuming everybody is going to give you a present. If your wedding is breaking the bank, then you should have a smaller wedding so you can afford the honeymoon, etc.

People most days just give a voucher anyway or cash but if somebody asks what you'd like, e.g. present or cash, then say cash but don't mention it otherwise.

catho_monster

A dear friend of mine got married last year, and they wanted cash gifts so that they could get a place together. They had a wedding website, with a page on it with a picture of a cute thatch cottage, and when you scrolled over the individual parts of the cottage and its surroundings it would say things like "window, 50euro" or "bale of turf, 20euro", when you clicked it brought you through to paypay, and you gave as much as you wanted. and there was a record of how much everyone gave, kept by paypal, so that you could send thank yous. It was so dotey. I didnt hear of one person getting narky about it. I suppose it depends on the couple and the type of people you are, the type of people your family and friends are and the way you present these things.

amdublin

catho_monster wrote: »

A dear friend of mine got married last year, and they wanted cash gifts so that they could get a place together. They had a wedding website, with a page on it with a picture of a cute thatch cottage, and when you scrolled over the individual parts of the cottage and its surroundings it would say things like "window, 50euro" or "bale of turf, 20euro", when you clicked it brought you through to paypay, and you gave as much as you wanted. and there was a record of how much everyone gave, kept by paypal, so that you could send thank yous. It was so dotey. I didnt hear of one person getting narky about it. I suppose it depends on the couple and the type of people you are, the type of people your family and friends are and the way you present these things.

This to me sounds as rude as putting "please lodge to my bank account"

Orlee

Friends of mine organised their honeymoon through TripAdvisor.

When we got our invites there was a little leaflet from TripAdvisor in the envelope with their account code on it so all I had to do was go in and make a deposit to that account!

It was pretty handy and I think it's much less assuming than a wedding list etc

Anyway - I didn't find it offensive at all and think it's a pretty god idea!

cch

Definitely a cultural thing, a Czech guy in work got married last year and brough in the invite to show us. The main part had details of the ceremony with bank account details on it. The second part had details of the reception on it. They sent about 300 "invites" out but only about 40 had the second part in the envelope, so that if people wanted to wish them well by going to the ceremony they could but only the closest got asked to the meal.
Could you imagine the uproar if someone did that in Ireland?! Getting an invite to the church only and still being expected to give them something :eek::D

partyguinness

Haha the the last remains of the Celtic Tiger.

IMO it would be the height of bad manners and bad taste to mention anything about bank accounts etc.

In fact if I was invited, I would prob change my gift from money to a voucher for BT. I would be so offended.

I am getting married next year and yes it would be a great relief to have €10k in gifts to pay for everything.

If you are having difficulty in paying for the Honeymoon then downgrade.

We are budgeting within our means and paying for everything ourselves and TBH any gifts (of whatever nature) are greatly appreciated and welcome. We are spending a month in Asia as our Honeymoon.

It's even presumptuous to assume you will get a gift in the first place. It is not your friends/family job to pay for your wedding/honeymoon. It's about them being there to celebrate your special day..not as a cash cow.

Riskymove

amdublin wrote: »

This to me sounds as rude as putting "please lodge to my bank account"

really? to me it seems the same as a wedding list, which are common enough


OP, it really comes down to one of the many wierd aspects to the human condition. while everyone going to a wedding knows they will be giving a gift, they react very badly to any suggestion that its a guaranteed thing.

even those who will be giving you money anyway will be offended by the percieved forwardness of expecting money.....

....people are mad...get used to it:pac:


if you are not going on honeymoon immediately I would not put anything on the invite, you are likely to get a lot of cheques/cash which you can lodge to this account and buy a nice holiday, avoiding any issues

some people will get you a present anyway....the odd person will still get you a pressure cooker or bedsheets or whatever...its the way it is

Riskymove

partyguinness wrote: »

It's even presumptuous to assume you will get a gift in the first place. It is not your friends/family job to pay for your wedding/honeymoon. It's about them being there to celebrate your special day..not as a cash cow.

see what I mean?

partyguinness

People dont like being told what to do....:pac:

Riskymove

partyguinness wrote: »

People dont like being told what to do....:pac:

do you really believe that stuff though??

if a load of people came to your wedding and did not give you any gift, you wouldn't be surprised or care?

partyguinness

Riskymove wrote: »

do you really believe that stuff though??

if a load of people came to your wedding and did not give you any gift, you wouldn't be surprised or care?

Genuinely no I wlndt care as the wedding is very small 60 people and over in England. They will have spent enough getting over and booking accom so my expectations are very low. Just happy to have them there. But we are the exception.

I purposely do not give cash. Usually a voucher for BT.

amdublin

Riskymove wrote: »

do you really believe that stuff though??

if a load of people came to your wedding and did not give you any gift, you wouldn't be surprised or care?

Nope! Definitely not.

What was important to me was their "prescence" not their "presents".

amdublin

Riskymove wrote: »

really? to me it seems the same as a wedding list, which are common enough

I think wedding lists are rude as well.

Would you throw a birthday party and (a) expect a present from everyone and (b) tell everyone what you want as a present?