Pursue girl with a boyfriend?

LegacyUser

Ok let's get started with I'm picky, really picky. My friends used to always tease me in college that I find flaws in all women so that I can chicken out of making a move. E.g.
- she's too drunk
- she's a brainless bimbo that reads Heat
- she's too posh etc.

I've grown up a little since and had a few serious relationships but I'm still quite choosy with my women. Recently, I met a friend of a friend who was PERFECT. I'm not talking physically at all (she's very cute but no stunner), this girl was funny, sweet, adventurous, had similar interests to me etc. It was like she was some perfect woman from a romantic comedy script (and I'm a cynic). So naturally, I'm totally blown away and that's something that has almost never really happened to me.

Of course, such a wonderful human being couldn't possibly be single! We went out in a group of friends and as I was discovering her lovely personality I also found out she a boyfriend. How long, how serious I don't know.

Normally, as soon as girl tells me she has a boyfriend I mentally put her in the "off limits/friend zone". But my problem is, I'm crazy about this girl. What should I do? I've never tried to win a girl away from someone, I'm not even sure I could do it without feeling guilty and bad for the poor guy losing such a great gal. I'm not a player, I'm a "nice-guy", the type that stereotypically finishes last.

Should I pursue it? I very very rarely see her. She's the friend of a friend that I only see maybe 2-3 times a year. Should I ask my friend about the boyfriend situation or will she be disgusted that I'm trying to hit on her taken friend? The romantic in me tells me that if I feel so strongly about someone I should go for it but my brain tells me I could just end up losing a lot of friends and upsetting a bunch of people including the one person I want to make happy.

Sorry for the long spiel. Advice?

LegacyUser

Don't Pursue the girl......If she already has a boyfriend don't pursue!!

Some girl pursued my fiance and has wrecked all our lives, I'm left trying to pick up the wasted years of my life, its been a month and I still don't know what I am doing - the cheek of someone invading into someones relationship!

The the better person and don't touch the forbidden fruit!

LegacyUser

This happened to me but I was the guy who lost his girlfriend. It was messy and I hated both (her and the new fella) their guts for a while but I eventually didn't mind so much because it was never gonna work out with her anyway and he clearly adored (still does) her.

I'd say try to see her more and scope out the situation. Take it slow. When it happened to me the guy did the whole declaring his love thing and that didn't work so he ended up having to work back up all the way from friend for a year (that's dedication!). If you try and get to know her a little better you'll get a better idea if you have a chance or maybe she won't seem so perfect after all.

MJOR

stay away... you'll only get hurt. There is someone for everyone but she is spoken for

The Hill Billy

So just because you are "quite choosy with my women" you feel that you possibly have the right to attempt to break up their relationship & that this is OK?

Advice?
- Leave it alone.
- Be less picky.
- Get yourself laid.

RedXIV

I can tell you honestly, this is more trouble than it's worth. The chances of you doing this and everyone ending up happy are the same of me winning the lotto. Twice.

Don't do it. Guys will never trust you around their girlfriends, Girls will believe you don't believe in the trust of a relationship, and a girl that leaves a relationship to join another guy doesn't stike me as the kind of woman that a "picky" man wants.

Don't do it!

Dragan

I'm going to go against the grain and say that if you want her then go for it.

Relationships are built on the assumption that we can make our partner happier than anyone else can make them. The assumption is not that just because they are with someone they are as happy as they could be.

But then again, i have a notoriously loose attitude to such things.

People cannot expect others not to hit on there other half simple because they have one.

Gillo

Take Hill Billy's advice.

Try placing yourself in her boyfriends shoes. You also didn't say she was interested in you!!!

Sephiroth_dude

It really bugs me when people like you try and steal peoples partners away from them,its just wrong and cruel.

niceguygonebad wrote: »

a great gal. I'm not a player, I'm a "nice-guy", the type that stereotypically finishes last.

your not being a nice guy if you pursue another mans girlfriend,thats called being a dick mate!

Deedsie

You'll have a good chance of getting your jaw boxed. You should prob find out how serious they are? And if they are not very serious perhaps say to her that if she was single in the future that you would like to take her out.

Still wouldnt blame the BF to be thick.

Rayven199

Alls fair in Love and War!
I was seeing (not going out with) a guy for a short while, I got chatting to one of his friends one of the nights we were out and we got on really well. Ended up liking each other alot. We are together two years now and are buying a house together shortly! His friend hasnt spoken to either of us since and all his friends have been a bit funny about it too. If you really like this girl get to know her better and if you can see a relationship lasting with her then maybe let her know how you feel as opposed to trying to steal her. If she is happy with her BF she will turn you down,but if she likes you too,you never know. Its always good to know though. The worst she can do is say no!

WilmaRidesAgain

<<People cannot expect others not to hit on there other half simple because they have one.>>

This is true, not a palatable truth but true none the less. I've found in relationships its very possible if you snooze you lose. I try to think of every day as an audition eg you are only as good as your last r1de/night out/conversation etc.

Anyway, on the other hand if you do go head to head with your man there is every chance you will come off worse as well as better OR she may just toy with you to fan her own ego and you'll end up looking a [EMAIL="tw@t"]tw@t[/EMAIL] and possibly alienating a load of mutual friends.

It is hard being fussy because there is a much smaller pool of victims....er I mean potential partners available to focus on and there is a danger you could end up obsessing on this one and feeling its "all or nothing"

Anyway I am being tongue in cheek obviously but while its good to be bad niceguygonebad remember there can be nasty conseqences too.

Dragan

WilmaRidesAgain wrote: »

This is true, not a palatable truth but true none the less. I've found in relationships its very possible if you snooze you lose. I try to think of every day as an audition eg you are only as good as your last r1de/night out/conversation etc.

I agree. I see people everyday going out with incredible partners who are bored and annoyed in there relationships simple because the person they are going out with has fallen into the "sure they are mine now" trap. You need to keep your partner interested.

Tigger

do what you want its not illegal
but be prepared to face the consequences ie: a good kicking or your friends thinking you're a cukoo

she probably won't be interested but if she is she is

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice!
K, trying to address some issues

- I don't know if she's interested but we definitely "click" and get along really well.
- I'm don't feel I have to right to invade into a relationship and I have never done anything like this ever in the past. I feel bad enough that thinking about her like this.

I think I'm going to just have to give up on this. If my style is "the nice guy" I should probably stick with it even if does mean I don't get the girl (or even at least try). I'm not a dick and I don't want to be that kinda guy.

Just gonna hope they break up or I meet someone else.

Zulu

If you want to be that person - go for it.
On the plus side, you'll also be clear that your new conquest will, in all likelyhood leave you for someone else given the oppertunity.

Nice.

badolepuddytat

Disagree with the all's fair attitude, if someone's with a partner who isn't making as much of an effort anymore it's up to them to sort it out and decide for themselves if they want this relationship. If you really liked this person you'd want them to be happy and not want to cause them grief.

Twice people made feelings known to me when I was with someone and I was actually offended that they thought that I'd be interested in someone who clearly didn't respect commitment between partners. Should note that the first time it wasn't a particularly solid relationship and the second time it was when I started going out with my husband. I just didn't really respect them as people after that and didn't want to be friends with them.

I also couldn't trust a partner who'd dumped someone for me if it had been prearranged before the breakup, whatever about someone thinking "Nope, I'm definitely not with the right person if I feel like this, I'm going to try to sort it out or break up with them and will then see when I'm single if I still have feelings for this other person or if I need time alone."

AngryBadger

Think it'd be a mistake myself.

You say you maybe see this girl 2/3 times a year. Which means you're basing your infatuation on one encounter. You didn't mention if it was just you and her, or if her bf was also present? Also, what about the fact that she's in this relationship, and that's going to have an effect on her character? She could be very co-dependent and thus only acts this way when she's with her bf.

Basically I think you're basing too much on one encounter. And taking the other facts into account, her having a bf, the mutual friends you share, and the inevitable fallout regardless of whether she breaks up with her current bf to be with you or not (i.e. ye get together, and you probably lose a few friends, ye don't get together and you possibly become a social pariah for trying to poach someone elses gf).
Doesn't seem worth the hassle to me.

AngryBadger

Zulu wrote: »

If you want to be that person - go for it.
On the plus side, you'll also be clear that your new conquest will, in all likelyhood leave you for someone else given the oppertunity.

Bloody brialliant point, can't believe I overlooked this!

WilmaRidesAgain

niceguygonebad wrote: »

Thanks for the advice!
K, trying to address some issues

- I don't know if she's interested but we definitely "click" and get along really well.
- I'm don't feel I have to right to invade into a relationship and I have never done anything like this ever in the past. I feel bad enough that thinking about her like this.

I think I'm going to just have to give up on this. If my style is "the nice guy" I should probably stick with it even if does mean I don't get the girl (or even at least try). I'm not a dick and I don't want to be that kinda guy.

Just gonna hope they break up or I meet someone else.

Nice one, if you've not done anything like it before, you will likely be avoiding a badly executed mess where you could end up looking very foolish. Definitely better to keep your dignity and less suffering all round.

There'll be a better one around the corner anyway.....argh!!!...plenty more fish.....when you least expect it....GAHH ! sorry only kidding!!!

I'll get me coat!!

Magpie!

God, lifes too short, go for it. If you don't ask you don't get.

So she has a boyfriend, you say you don't know how serious or for how long, it could be just a fling, she's not engaged or married.

At least ask the mutual friend what the story is and let her know you are interested.

If you only see this girl 2 or 3 times a year she could have broken up with this guy and have met someone else by the next time you see her and you'll have missed your chance.

At least get the mutual friend to keep you updated.

Wurly

Dude, come on now! Even before I read your post, I had made up my mind from the title.

For jaysis sake, she has a boyfriend. Therefore she is not single. Therefore, she is not yours to pursue.

Maybe you should stop being so picky and find activities where girls aren't drunk and read heat magazine, instead of going for one's that are unattainable.

You know the answer to this question yourself already.

If you decide to big fat pursue her anyway - answer me this.. Would you be able to trust her if she left her boyfriend for you? What's to say she wouldn't do the same thing to you?

Just a thought.

Zulu

Magpie! wrote: »

So she has a boyfriend, you say you don't know how serious or for how long, it could be just a fling, she's not engaged or married...
If you only see this girl 2 or 3 times a year she could have broken up with this guy and have met someone else by the next time you see her and you'll have missed your chance.

If you are supporting his idea of asking her regardless, then how could he have missed his "chance" in your proposed scenario? Surly it doesn't matter a god damn

Dragan

Tri wrote: »

If you decide to big fat pursue her anyway - answer me this.. Would you be able to trust her if she left her boyfriend for you? What's to say she wouldn't do the same thing to you?

Just a thought.

Out of interest, how do any of us know that partners have no cheated in the past? And if they had cheated on previous partners, would that really bother us?

Wurly

Dragan wrote: »

Out of interest, how do any of us know that partners have no cheated in the past? And if they had cheated on previous partners, would that really bother us?

My point is that if you so freely leave one person for another, then chances are you wouldn't think twice about doing it again.

John Mason

what is wrong with you?

leave her alone, for god sake.

Zulu

Dragan wrote: »

Out of interest, how do any of us know that partners have no cheated in the past?

Perhaps we've asked them and we trust them, and we trust our own judgement?

And if they had cheated on previous partners, would that really bother us?

Well, if might do. Would you trust a recovering alcoholic with an open and free bar for the rest of their lives?

Not saying doing the dirt automatically makes you some sort of nymphomaniac, but you get my point...

AngryBadger

Dragan wrote: »

Out of interest, how do any of us know that partners have no cheated in the past? And if they had cheated on previous partners, would that really bother us?

I suspect this is why so many people prefer to "let sleeping dogs lie".

Most of us have a view of our partner that's coloured entirely by our experience with them. Some people could learn their partners history and not be bothered, most people couldn't.

LegacyUser

I did this once - was already crazy about the girl for weeks before I found out she had a boyfriend. They were on the way out anyway and I was the catalyst more than the reason I think.

We were together for years and she made me incredibly happy and I her so I don't regret it for a minute.

If you are really sure that she is above and beyond any other girl and that she feels the same then go for it. But be warned - if her attention is wandering now it probably will again - trust me on that one.

badolepuddytat

Dragan wrote: »

Out of interest, how do any of us know that partners have no cheated in the past? And if they had cheated on previous partners, would that really bother us?

If cheating was a regular thing and/or the impact/seriousness of it was minimized, e.g. relationship wasn't that serious, s/he would have done the same if s/he got the chance etc, it would really bug me, to the point of me questioning the relationship. I'd feel that the partner was too opportunistic for me and not reliable when temptation was around. If you're with someone, you're with them, it's basic respect to another person that when you're seeing them you don't avail of other options on the market. If you want to play the field break it off or find someone who's into having a regular f***buddy.

LegacyUser

ahha!going unreg on this cause' it is such a shame like me ,a 'sound lad',who is going to be with her till the stars turn cold - snap!twice,although not directly due to the new guy and long distance relationship too,two relationships ended in the same way due to the existance of a new guy...

how sad we have been spent some much time together (one about 3 years,another is 1.5 yr),knowing each other really deep etc.Doesnt matter really.Without saying how romantic/creative i am on the relationship.if woman wanna go,they simply just left.

so my advice is,OP,fck all those good guy or nice guy not upsetting people around you sh!te:once in your life time,if you want THAT woman,do your best to get her!!

good luck!!

RealEstateKing

Everybody does it, so quit feeling guilty about it.

However, to pursue her is another thing. If I were you I would find out what her current relationship is like and keep an eye on her: If the dude is just somebody shes been going out with for a few weeks , or a summer fling, be ready to jump in there when he's gone. But breaking up relationships is a no-no.

Magpie!

Zulu wrote: »

If you are supporting his idea of asking her regardless, then how could he have missed his "chance" in your proposed scenario? Surly it doesn't matter a god damn

I think he should ask her.

But if he doesn't want to be 'that guy' (whatever the hell that means) he should at least let the mutual friend know he is interested so that he will know if the 'chance' does come up.

chuci

gage the relationship between her and her boyfriend, if they have been going out for years then step away even if they did break up you would be the rebound guy with out fail. if they have been going out for a few weeks and if you have opportunities to hang out with her then do for a few weeks or whatever it may turn out that you have very little in common and you may not like her at all. If after these few months then you still feel the same than consider telling her how you feel but be prepared for the consequences. everybody fancies people weather they are in a relationship or not but it doesnt mean it has to lead anything.

niceguygonebad

You sound like you just cannot handle not being able to get what you want and I doubt you will be sucessful in breaking up this relationship

Stop being as judgemental and find someone else and you don't sound that nice if you are that picky.

Also try harder to put her in the friend zone
This girl has made no show of liking you so don't cause trouble

niceguygonebad wrote: »

Ok let's get started with I'm picky, really picky. My friends used to always tease me in college that I find flaws in all women so that I can chicken out of making a move. E.g.
- she's too drunk
- she's a brainless bimbo that reads Heat
- she's too posh etc.

I've grown up a little since and had a few serious relationships but I'm still quite choosy with my women. Recently, I met a friend of a friend who was PERFECT. I'm not talking physically at all (she's very cute but no stunner), this girl was funny, sweet, adventurous, had similar interests to me etc. It was like she was some perfect woman from a romantic comedy script (and I'm a cynic). So naturally, I'm totally blown away and that's something that has almost never really happened to me.

Of course, such a wonderful human being couldn't possibly be single! We went out in a group of friends and as I was discovering her lovely personality I also found out she a boyfriend. How long, how serious I don't know.

Normally, as soon as girl tells me she has a boyfriend I mentally put her in the "off limits/friend zone". But my problem is, I'm crazy about this girl. What should I do? I've never tried to win a girl away from someone, I'm not even sure I could do it without feeling guilty and bad for the poor guy losing such a great gal. I'm not a player, I'm a "nice-guy", the type that stereotypically finishes last.

Should I pursue it? I very very rarely see her. She's the friend of a friend that I only see maybe 2-3 times a year. Should I ask my friend about the boyfriend situation or will she be disgusted that I'm trying to hit on her taken friend? The romantic in me tells me that if I feel so strongly about someone I should go for it but my brain tells me I could just end up losing a lot of friends and upsetting a bunch of people including the one person I want to make happy.

Sorry for the long spiel. Advice?

AngryBadger

Deleted User wrote: »

Stop being as judgemental and find someone else and you don't sound that nice if you are that picky.

I think that's a bit unfair to the OP. Whatever about him considering whether or not he should break up a relationship, there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want.

The OP hasn't indicated that he goes around telling women he doesn't find them attractive, so basically he meets someone, decides in his own head he's not attracted to them, and moves on. No harm no foul.

Why should anyone have to compromise what they really want?

girliegirl

Do. Not. Go. There.

How would you feel if she had just had an argument with her boyf just before you said it to here, and she got tempted, or drunk and made a mistake. For you it would be great, for her it would be a mistake.

She obviously is with her boyfriend for a reason.

And anyway, what makes you so sure she'd wanna be with you? Not to sound mean or anything, but you would need to be 100% sure she feels the same , before doing anything this messy. And knowing her "through a friend" that you see 2/3 times a year, doesnt sound like you could even possibly be sure.

akamossy

Emmmmmmmmmmm it is not ok to go after someone elses gf!! leave well alone and find someone who is available! And stop being so fussy and picking at peoples faults, we all have them, none of us are perfect.

AngryBadger

AngryBadger wrote: »

I think that's a bit unfair to the OP. Whatever about him considering whether or not he should break up a relationship, there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want.

The OP hasn't indicated that he goes around telling women he doesn't find them attractive, so basically he meets someone, decides in his own head he's not attracted to them, and moves on. No harm no foul.

Why should anyone have to compromise what they really want?

the OP's words =
- she's a brainless bimbo that reads Heat
- she's too posh etc.

Stereotypes IMO!

brian_ire

For reading this thread a lot of people seem to have taken the opinion that this girl is going to be a complete doormat! Why is there such an assumption that if this guy pursues her that she is automatically going to reciprocate?

Personnally I would go nowhere near here as i've always believed girls with boyfriends are out of bounds... but in saying that, this girl should be strong enough in her relationship to be able to knock back any advances from "friends of friends". To be honest this is exactly what i would expect to happen and then OP you'll find yourself in a very awkward postion!

Advice:
-Be Patient
-Have a laugh with her
-And like you said hope she breaks up or find another girl

Best of luck!

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

You sound like you just cannot handle not being able to get what you want and I doubt you will be sucessful in breaking up this relationship

That holds no merit in my opinion.
How could it as we don't know the people involved.
I can see why you said it though-You've said it because you are looking at it from the point of view that you'd feel horrible if it was someone taking your man for instance.
You can't look at it that way because you know the parameters of your own relationship.
You know nothing of this random internet persons circumstances.

My view is that if this girl prefers the op-then thats it.
The girl is only going out with the other person,they're not married or with children.

Ok it's tough on the one thats dumped-but it's life.
People are not property,they can make up their own minds when faced with options.

OP-play it by ear and test the waters with some time spent and a few chats.
If it's meant to be,it's meant to be

Deleted User wrote: »

the OP's words =
- she's a brainless bimbo that reads Heat
- she's too posh etc.

Stereotypes IMO!

In fairness the OP says thats the way he used to be.
A teenager/college view versus the way he thinks about things now.
He's grown up

Memnoch

Some idiot tried to do this to me.....

I had just started going out with my gf. We'd been together for a few weeks. There was a guy in our "social circle" who fancied the pants of her, (most guys I know still do, she's hot). Anyway he did his best to break us up, to the point of actually making jokes at my expense and slyly belitting me in public in our group of friends.

I was annoyed as **** but couldn't really do much except put up with it because I didn't want to be accused of not being able to "take a joke," etc. He even tried to approach her a couple of times.

He lost, I won, gg, no re. We are together 7 years now and married 1 year plus. Said guy is considered a loser by most people.

But this is life. People are assholes/selfish. They want what they want. Sometimes they succeed in destroying another's relationship for their own gain, other times they fail.

Personally, I wish all ill-fortune/disease/slow painful death on anyone who knowingly does this to another human being.

togster

Im in the middle of trying to avoid a girl who has a boyfriend at the moment because there is a major spark there. I don't want to be the tard who fcuks her boyfriend up. But seriously OP that's just me. Do what you want like. If you feel ok about it do it.

Dragan

Memnoch wrote: »

But this is life. People are assholes/selfish. They want what they want. Sometimes they succeed in destroying another's relationship for their own gain, other times they fail.

Personally, I wish all ill-fortune/disease/slow painful death on anyone who knowingly does this to another human being.

Out of interest, if you had met your partner while she was with someone else and you thought you might have what you currently have what would you have done about it?

Sorry, i just enjoy playing devils advocate in these situations is all.

Wurly

Unreg0000 wrote: »

so my advice is,OP,fck all those good guy or nice guy not upsetting people around you sh!te:once in your life time,if you want THAT woman,do your best to get her!!

Nice!

professore

niceguygonebad wrote: »

Sorry for the long spiel. Advice?

Firstly, some terrible advice from other posters IMHO. If they assume their other halves are not going to be tempted / approached sometime and basing their relationship on this then they are sorely mistaken. If your OH is going to leave you because someone comes on to them then you need to seriously examine your relationship.

if you feel that strongly about her, go for it:

• If she's happy with her current BF then she won't be interested.
• If she's NOT happy with current BF then she MIGHT be interested or might be delighted.
• If she's THE ONE then you could lose her forever.
• Lots of people go out together out of boredom or a million other reasons.

professore

AngryBadger wrote: »

Bloody brialliant point, can't believe I overlooked this!

That depends on the circumstances. Maybe they are just going out together because it seemed like a good idea, or maybe in an abusive relationship or whatever?

cowzerp

Dragan wrote: »

Out of interest, if you had met your partner while she was with someone else and you thought you might have what you currently have what would you have done about it?

Sorry, i just enjoy playing devils advocate in these situations is all.

Who are you chasing? there's something your not telling us big man! Hide your girlfriends..

seamus

Be wary of confusing a "spark", with her being at ease. Women, like men, tend to relax when they have a partner and be more open to just relaxing and having a laugh with members of the opposite sex. So while you may think there's a "spark" between you, she thinks you're a decent funny guy, but has absolutely no ideas about you any other way.

My advice would be to find out more about the current relationship, perhaps even get to know them. If they've been going out years, are rock solid, and he's a decent guy then you're going to come away with your dick between your legs and probably have pissed off their friends.

If they're not going out long, aren't at all getting along, or he's a complete dick, then there's no harm in being subtle but more-or-less obvious that you're into her and more than willing to take her on.

If she's been looking around, then you'll get her. If she's happy, you won't, but no-one will look stupid.

witnessmenow

I'd say go for it. If you prusuing the girl causes unrest in their relationship, their relationship isnt very strong is it?

I'm currently going out with someone, if somebody moved in on her and she went off with him , you'd be damn right in saying i'd be pissed, but when you think about it, if there was someone else she wanted to be with more then whats she doing with me?

#/now lets just hope i didnt give the op permission to go chasing my missus :pac:

Wurly

professore wrote: »

Firstly, some terrible advice from other posters IMHO. If they assume their other halves are not going to be tempted / approached sometime and basing their relationship on this then they are sorely mistaken. If your OH is going to leave you because someone comes on to them then you need to seriously examine your relationship.

if you feel that strongly about her, go for it:

• If she's happy with her current BF then she won't be interested.
• If she's NOT happy with current BF then she MIGHT be interested or might be delighted.
• If she's THE ONE then you could lose her forever.
• Lots of people go out together out of boredom or a million other reasons.

By saying things like this girl being 'the one', then am I right in saying you believe in destiny? If so, he will get her eventually without breaking up a relationship. If he's not destined to be with her then she's not 'the one'.

I believe in karma and what goes around comes around. If she is in a relationship out of boredom, then that's her too bad. I would imagine she is in the relationship because she wants to be in it.

Its extremely bad form to actively pursue someone who is in a relationship with someone else.