Hard time

StormWarrior · 24-08-2006 08:30AM #1

I am working as an au pair at the moment, I moved here about 3 weeks ago. I get on well with the kids I care for, I have made some nice new friends and I like the area I live in. The problem is the parents I work for.
I work from 7.30am until about 6 or 7pm Monday to Thursday. They are only supposed to make me work 5 hours a day, but since I (in theory) get the weekends off, I don't complain about the extra hours. Its really hard work, with 3 kids and all their pets to look after, plus I am expected to do all the cleaning, ironing, and all the other housework. I work really hard and am shattered by the end of each day, but no matter what I do, it's never good enough for the parents.
The parents expect the house to be spotless when they get home, (not easy with 3 kids and all their mates there making a mess all the time) and if there is even one thing out of place, I get it in the neck For example, one day one of the kids put the butter back on the wrong shelf in the fridge, and the dad had a go at me about it. (he never even told me it was meant to be on a particular shelf, so how should i know?)
One day they told me to put the wet clothes in the tumble dryer while they were at work. The tumble dryer was full, and no one had told me where to put the dry clothes, so I took the dry clothes out and put them in the clothes cupboard with all the other clothes. The dad was angry about this, he said they are meant to be folded up and put in a basket. (how should I know if no one had told me) So, during my free time, he made me stand there for ages folding up the clothes (which mainly consisted of his boxer shorts - eeeugh!) and put them away whilst he sat on his fat arse watching TV.
When I first moved there, the mum gave me a cleaning list. She said clean the house by doing everything thats on this list, which I did. When she got home, she had a go at me for not doing stuff that wasn't even on the list! So I re did it. This time she could find nothing to complain about but even though it took 5 hours I didn't get a word of thanks just "it's OK i suppose" (it was spotless!)
Yesterday the kids had thier friends round, so I was looking after 9 kids that day. I raced around all day tidying up after them whilst also trying to do all my other chores like the laundry, and walk the dog (who i am supposed to walk for an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon) I had just managed to finish cleaning when the mum got home. She said "have you walked the dog?" I said, "I did in the morning but I didn't get a chance yet this afternoon as I have been cleaning and doing laundry all day"
She was furious! She made me walk the dog in my "free time" and afterwards made me sit there for ages while she had a go at me. She said she was really upset that I hadn't walked the dog, she said she has 3 kids to run around after already and doesn't need another one, how can she trust me if I don't do what I'm meant to be doing, and if I carry on like this she will send me home! For god's sake, I had been so busy all day I hadn't even had time for lunch or to sit down!

The au pair is meant to pay for their own plane ticket, but once they reach the airport, it is the family's job to either pick them up or pay for their journey to the home. When I arrived at the airport, I called the dad and he told me to get a taxi. The house is hard to find and the taxi got lost several times on the way. When we phoned him for help he still refused to come and get me. He took the taxi money out of my already pitiful wages, so I am quite skint now. When I asked the mum if she could give me back the taxi money she had a go at me, and said no. She said I should have gotten an earlier flight then they would have picked me up. But the flight arrived at 9pm which isn't that late. They could still have been in bed by 10pm. Also, before i booked the flight I asked if it was OK and they said yes. By law they have to pay for me to do a language course while I'm here, but the mum was so pissed off that I'd had the cheek to ask for the taxi money back that she said she's not going to pay for my language course yet, not until she's sure she wants to keep me here.
She then told me I was strange and did many strange things. I said, like what? The only thing she could think of was that it was strange that I had gotten such a late flight. I explained that and earlier flight was have cost alot more, but this wasn't a good enough explanation for her.

Also, it was agreed in advance that I would have evenings and weekends off. However, they always make me do stuff for them during my free time, either´re doing housework that wasn't up to scratch, or taking the kids to activities, or babysitting them while the parents are out. Last weekend they made me waste the entire weekend going to stay with their relatives. I thought it was really harsh after I had spent the whole week slaving away, and just wanted to spend the weekend clubbing with my friends.
They are such control freaks and pick me up on everything. If even one shoe is not in line with the others at the front door, they act as if its the end of the world. They say things like "I can tell you don't live in an orderly manner at home" or "I can't imagine what a state you live in at home"

It's illegal to hit your kids here but that doesn't stop the dad. One day his son was eating and accidentally dropped a few grains of rice on the floor. The dad grabbed the kid by the arm, dragged him up and lifted his arm to thump him, then realised I was watching and let him go. Another time, the dad was telling off his other son. The son raised his arm to scratch an itch and the dad furiously slapped the kid's arm down and yelled "NO! You stand like this when I'm talking to you!"

I can't stand the parents but the kids are nice, and I really like this area. After what the mum said to me last night I'm worried she will send me home, and I don't want to go now that I have made friends and am having fun in my (rare) free time. But it seems like nothing i do is ever good enough for these bloody wierdos.

spurious · 24-08-2006 08:41AM

Contact the agency you came with.

Make sure these horrible people know you have contacted the agency.

They are not the only family in the country looking for an au pair.

The more you let them bully you like they are doing, the more they will bully you.

StormWarrior · 24-08-2006 08:42AM

That's the problem though, we didn't go through an agency. I've got no contract and no back up or anything.

spurious · 24-08-2006 08:48AM

OK, if you've no contract, you haven't a leg to stand on.

And they know it...which is why they are treating you like they do.

Can you contact an au pair agency and get on their books? You HAVE to get out of the situation you're in.

Are you from this country, or is there a visa issue too?

StormWarrior · 24-08-2006 08:52AM

well i'm from the uk living in sweden so i don't need a visa. but so many people want to be au pairs its not easy to find a job. also i love this area and i have made some really great new friends who i don't want to leave. I just don't want her to send me home like she has threatened. I don't think I've done anything that bad.

DaDa · 24-08-2006 08:55AM

Oh my God... they should be locked up!

How old are you?
What are they paying you per week?

spurious · 24-08-2006 08:56AM

The big mistake you made is not having a contract.

Tell her you want them to draw up a contract saying what are and are not your duties, when your free time is, what their responsibilities are (plane ticket, language course etc.). When the contract is agreed by both sides, sign it and get a copy.

You need to have a fall back plan if they decide to not give you a contract, so it might be worth asking your friends if they know of any decent people looking for an au pair.

spurious · 24-08-2006 08:59AM

StormWarrior wrote:

well i'm from the uk living in sweden ...

I would be absolutely astonished if the Swedish police would not be interested in this.
Sweden is generally a very well-regulated country.

Beruthiel · 24-08-2006 09:04AM

StormWarrior wrote:

That's the problem though, we didn't go through an agency.

Find one and join it. There is nothing you can do to change these type of people and no one you can turn to, unless Sweden has someone who acts like an Ombudsman? Even then you probably wouldn't want to work for them. They know very well you have no one to turn to, hence they doing as they please with you. Spend all your free time looking for another job and move. If you have made friends over there, then perhaps they can point you in some helpful directions that you haven't thought of.

aonfocaleile · 24-08-2006 09:12AM

Have you considered contacting the embassy? Might be a bit of a last resort but its the job of the embassy to assist citizens of their country. Not sure where the UK embassy is based but I'm sure if you google it, you'll find it.

The Embassy of Sweden
Sun Alliance House
13-17 Dawson Street
Dublin 2
Tel:01 474 4400
Fax: 01 474 4450
E.Mail: swedemdublin@eircom.net
ambassaden.dublin@foreign.ministry.se

StormWarrior · 24-08-2006 09:15AM

DaDa wrote:

Oh my God... they should be locked up!

How old are you?
What are they paying you per week?

I'm 22, and in theory I'm meant to be getting 3500SEK a month, although I lost 530SEK on that taxi, plus they complain if I eat too much of thier food, so i spend alot of money buying my own food.

StormWarrior · 24-08-2006 09:17AM

spurious wrote:

I would be absolutely astonished if the Swedish police would not be interested in this.
Sweden is generally a very well-regulated country.

well apart from thumping thier kids i don't think they're doing anything illegal. and anyway, the police wont find me somewhere else. i'll just be sent home.

StormWarrior · 24-08-2006 09:18AM

spurious wrote:

Tell her you want them to draw up a contract saying what are and are not your duties, when your free time is, what their responsibilities are (plane ticket, language course etc.). When the contract is agreed by both sides, sign it and get a copy.your friends if they know of any decent people looking

But she was so pissed off when i asked for the taxi money back i'm too scared to ask for a contract.

aonfocaleile · 24-08-2006 09:21AM

StormWarrior - I seem to have misread your post. Can you clarify where you are working - Ireland or the UK?

Its not that relevant anyway - there are European laws which govern working conditions etc. Effectively you are being treated like a slave and unless you can secure other employment, you're a bit stuck. Please think about contacting the Swedish embassy, wherever you are. They should be able to put you in touch with a reputable agency. Good luck

Beruthiel · 24-08-2006 09:22AM

Here is the website to the British Embassy in Sweden.

http://www.britishembassy.se/

spurious · 24-08-2006 09:24AM

I'm sure they have minimum wage laws in Sweden, so it's not just the smacking the police would be interested in - though it is a serious offence.

You need to spend all your time looking for another position, with a reputable agency, then leave the crowd you're with. Alert every agency you know to what they have done to you and make sure they can never get another au pair.

Chinafoot · 24-08-2006 09:28AM

A cousin of mine was in a similar position when she au paired in Germany. The family treated her like absolute muck with demands like the ones you're experiencing. Also like you she had no contract with the couple as she didn't go through an agency.

She had made some friends and was very reluctant to let that go and she adored the children she was taking care of. We have no family in Germany and she felt very alone. In the end the situation in the house got so unbearable that she knew she had to leave.

She used the lack of a contract to her advantage and was able to up and go without any form of notice once she got the cash together for the flights home. Once she got home she registered with an agency and went back to Germany to au pair for a family that she adored and who adored her. My cousin realised that although she wouldn't get to see her friends that often, she wouldn't lose touch with them and would be able to visit and it would be better to spend time with them as a happy person instead of feeling miserable about her situation.

OP you may love the area and you may love your friends, but the way you are being treated is tantamount to slavery. As has already been pointed out, the more you let them bully you the more they will continue to bully you.

My advice to you would be to get out of that situation. Yes, you'll miss your friends and the area but in the long term you will find a much better position for yourself and it's not like you will never be able to see them again. Go home and stay with your family for a few months (if possible) and get yourself registered with an agency. Perhaps tell them that you would really love to go and work in this same area, but this time you will have a contract and can't be treated like muck. I know it probably seems like a lot of hassle when you could just grin and bear it, but is it really worth it?

Beruthiel · 24-08-2006 09:29AM

Some Au-Pair websites you can apply to:

http://www.aupair-world.net/?ggl=en

http://www.azzoomi.com/eng_chldcare_home.htm?gclid=COHayb3z94YCFRD9IgodGCIFWg

http://www.greataupair.com/aupair-nanny-jobs/Sweden.htm

http://www.swedenabroad.com/pages/general____13402.asp

http://www.aupair.se/

http://www.planetedu.com/listings/internationaljobs/5830/x/x/jobs/europe:7:2:d

http://www.aupairconnect.com/aupair-Sweden.asp

Marksie · 24-08-2006 10:06AM

peachypants wrote:

A cousin of mine was in a similar position when she au paired in Germany. The family treated her like absolute muck with demands like the ones you're experiencing. Also like you she had no contract with the couple as she didn't go through an agency.

She had made some friends and was very reluctant to let that go and she adored the children she was taking care of. We have no family in Germany and she felt very alone. In the end the situation in the house got so unbearable that she knew she had to leave.

She used the lack of a contract to her advantage and was able to up and go without any form of notice once she got the cash together for the flights home. Once she got home she registered with an agency and went back to Germany to au pair for a family that she adored and who adored her. My cousin realised that although she wouldn't get to see her friends that often, she wouldn't lose touch with them and would be able to visit and it would be better to spend time with them as a happy person instead of feeling miserable about her situation.

OP you may love the area and you may love your friends, but the way you are being treated is tantamount to slavery. As has already been pointed out, the more you let them bully you the more they will continue to bully you.

My advice to you would be to get out of that situation. Yes, you'll miss your friends and the area but in the long term you will find a much better position for yourself and it's not like you will never be able to see them again. Go home and stay with your family for a few months (if possible) and get yourself registered with an agency. Perhaps tell them that you would really love to go and work in this same area, but this time you will have a contract and can't be treated like muck. I know it probably seems like a lot of hassle when you could just grin and bear it, but is it really worth it?

Great advice peachypants. Yes the lack of contract cuts both ways. I dont know what the laws are like in sweden to protect from this sort of thing, it is worth contacting your embassy to find out.

Use the links provided to go through agencies. I think parents like that are using the fact that it is so popular being an au pair to their advantage. they certainly cannot hold you as then that WOULD be breaking the law.

I believe if you were treated like that in the workplace you would have every right to file a grievance proceedure.

Best of luck and let us know how you get on

Actually i am going to edit because it got me thinking of what would happen in bullying and harrassemnt situations like this at work (which essentialliy it is for you).
Get a book:
record
What happened
Where did it happen
when did it happen
Who was present.

Also record how you felt.
Do this for every incident either you observed or was directed at you.

Record what your duties were if yoiu have a written list then keep it, record any you were forced to do over this.

They will have to refute the list, they can fudge general allegations, but they will have to justify specific allegations.

The book can then be used when highlighting with your embassy, the police, other agencies.
Also, make sure you keep it well hidden
If they keep being bad ..tell them you have a record and will use it if they continue.
self protection is the name of the game now

StormWarrior · 24-08-2006 10:46AM

but i have no contract. they will just tell me to go home.

Chinafoot · 24-08-2006 10:55AM

StormWarrior wrote:

but i have no contract. they will just tell me to go home.

Maybe going home would be the best thing? Why would you want to stay in that situation when you can go and register with an agency and be placed with a family who will treat you like a human being?

This is not the only au pair job you will ever get. Yes it's a popular industry but you will find something else if you go through the official routes.

You will make new friends, you will be able to keep in touch with your friends in Sweden and you may even be able to go back to that area. Even if you have to spend a few months back in the UK you should do it. It'd be much better for you in the long run.

DaDa · 24-08-2006 11:05AM

StormWarrior wrote:

but i have no contract. they will just tell me to go home.

I know you are 22, but what do your parents think of this?
Have you discussed everything with them. They surely would want to help/support in some way? Older brothers/sisters you could turn too?

I'm thinking in terms of supporting you getting to a B&B, finding a better paid job and getting rented accomodation so you can be much more self-sufficient if you really want to stay there.

RiderOnTheStorm · 24-08-2006 11:10AM

Storm, that is sooo bad! you are really being treted like a slave..... abused even!

Can you join an agency back in the UK (while still in Sweeden) and then try and find new job in Sweeden? Tell agency about conditions, tell them you like the city/area and have friends and want to stay, and see if there is anything else avail. I think you need to get out of that situation, you will not be able to change it.

anyway, best of luck. and if you ever want to au-pair in Kerry then send me a pm!

StormWarrior · 24-08-2006 11:12AM

as for going home, i don't want to because despite how crazy the parents are, i love everything else. I love the area I'm staying in, and I have made some awesome new friends. I love spending time with them as often as possible (its the only thing which keeps me going right now) and visiting them on holiday once or twice a year just won't be the same.

As for my parents, I am not telling them because there is nothing they can do about it, and I don't want to worry them.

Tusky · 24-08-2006 11:21AM

So let me get this straight... You wont speak to your parents, you wont speak to the embassy, you wont contact an agency nor speak to your host family about a contract or anything else ?

Dont get me wrong, sounds terrible the way you are being treated but I dont know what advice youre looking for if you wont do any of the above.

LeperKing · 24-08-2006 11:24AM

It's a terrible situation you're in, but I have to ask; How are you getting the time to follow and post replies in this thread? Or am I missing something?:o

LK

Smellyirishman · 24-08-2006 11:28AM

Yeah, the only thing left is to stand up to the parents and tell them that you didn't have the time and show them a log of what you did through the day etc...

You seem willing enough to put up with thier abuse so I don't know what else to say.

StormWarrior · 24-08-2006 11:35AM

ok, first of all, this is the first day i have had where the family aren't here, so this is the first break i've had in ages. as long as i get the housework done before 1.45pm (and i am doing the laundry etc at the same time as being here) then i can use the computer.

and I have contacted an agency just now. they said they will try and help.

Beruthiel · 24-08-2006 11:41AM

StormWarrior wrote:

and I have contacted an agency just now. they said they will try and help.

Contact as many as you can, that way, one of them is bound to come through.

Jim10000 · 24-08-2006 01:39PM

Good for you Storm Warrior, I'm glad to hear you're getting things moving. You REALLY need to get out of there. Like B says, contact as many agencies as possible. How competitive is it around there for au pair jobs? will it be really difficult to get a new one?

I hope that you can get all the money you're owed before moving on too, i'm sure you'll have to be a bit sly about the timing when you drop the bomb on your nazi hosts that you're leaving. Best of luck with it.

Why dont you post their address here so we can all send them poos in shoeboxes? (after you've gone like)

Strokesfan · 24-08-2006 03:00PM

They are exploiting you because they know they have you trapped essentially, I would keep your head down for a week or two and continue as best you can while furiously looking for something else in your spare time and then just leave them after you get your cash into your hand.
Make sure you're well organised by having part of your stuff moved or ready to move - it sounds like an awful situation to be in, I really feel for you...

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