opinions wanted on stupid argument

LegacyUser

my boyfriend and i just had a sort of fight.

i was staying at his house this weekend for a change, because usually he stays at my house, or else we don't see each other that much. so we were supposed to have a special kind of weekend together after having a few ups and downs recently. his housemates were mostly away except for one, so some of our plans got ruined, and things were uncomfortable in the house.

this morning we got up and went to the shops to get some breakfast, then when we got back my boyfriend started checking his emails and sorting out some flights while making breakfast. his housemate was also there, but i dont really know him so it was a little awkward. we all sat around the kitchen table for about an hour and a half while they both discussed their travel arrangments and i sat uncomfortably or tried to read a book. eventually i just went back to bed.

then he came upstairs and suggested we go to the park for a walk, so we did. while there we discussed our plans for the day. he mentioned how he had to collect some things from his parents house, and i said that i would go back to my own house. he tried jokingly to convince me to go to his parents house with him, but i don't think either of us wanted me to (well, i know i really didn't). i said i'd just go home, although did say that i don't like going back home alone on sunday afternoons. then he suggested i stay in his house while he went to his parents, and i dismissed the suggestion as i would have to stay alone in his house for 2-3 hours with his housemate who i don't know, and said that no, i would just go home instead.

so then when we got back to his house i got a glass of water and he headed straight for the computer and started checking his emails again. i kind of stood around wondering what to do for a minute and then he said "so are you just going to hang here til i go to my parents or what?"

so i was a little shocked at this bluntness and i said "no.. i can just go home now..." and then went upstairs and started packing my bags, fully expecting him to follow me up to either apologise, laugh about it, or say goodbye properly. but he didn't do any of that though, and stayed down stairs on the computer. so i went back down with my bag and said "see u later" and walked out to the door. he followed me and asked "why are u going?" and i responded something like "well why would i stay? what am i going to do here?" and he said something like "are you mad at me?" and i said "no i'm just going home. see u next week" and walked off pretty quickly, kind of expecting some kind of responce like him asking me to come back and talk about it, or him catching up with me, or him texting or calling a minute later. but none of that happened.

about 15 minutes into my bus journey home i got a text "sorry if i did something to upset you, i really didn't mean to... see you soon". and for once i just ignored it without launching into a text message argument about it. a few hours later he texted to ask why i was ignoring him, and then we launched into the argument.

he seems to think that i was too sensitive and took his "are you just going to hang around here?" comment too seriously or as an insult when it was supposedly meant sarcasticly. given the way things had been all day i don't really know how else i could have taken the comment, he wasn't smiling or joking when he said it, he just said it questioningly while i stood in his dining room wondering what to do, while his housemate sat in the ajoining room with the doors open. and if it was a joke i'd taken too seriously why didn't he just follow me up the stairs when i went to pack my bags?

so i told him that i felt really unwelcome and that was why i left, because i couldn't see any other reason for him to say what he said without meaning to suggest that i should leave. he said that he "didnt mean it that way at all" and that he was "wanting me to stay and trying to suggest any way that i would stay and not go at all". to this i replied "well, whatever, it doesn't seem like that at all" . and he said that things aren't always as they seem to be to me, and that now i was being the one who was being mean and thoughtless by dismissing his apologies with "well whatever". so i said that i figured any one else in my situation would've taken the comment the same way and that i didn't want his apologies anyway, because being more interested in the internet than me isn't something he can apologise for, because is thats how it is, then thats how it is.

so he hasn't said anything to me since.

i understand that sometimes i can be selfish and mean to him, but i honestly feel like i get the same back from him a lot, even though he'll completely deny it and appologise but only by saying things like "i'm sorry you feel that way" - placing the blame back on me for feeling bad in the first place.

its a stupid argument i know. but the way he deals with our arguments everytime makes me feel like i'm really dumb and oversensitive to get upset about it in the first place. thats why i thought i would just try and ignore him instead of fight about it today, because i figured he finds it so easy to ignore me, so why should i give him so much of my attention. but that obviously doens't work because i've spent the whole day being upset about it.

i'm really sorry this is so long, i needed to get it off my chest and none of my friends are around to take my mind off it

thegoth

How long have ye been going out ?

The Sweeper

Oh dear.

So you wanted to do something, and be entertained for the weekend, but you didn't say outright "ah here listen this weekend isn't what it was cracked up to be, you've a lot on and your housemate's here which sort of ruined the mood". You just ambled about hoping your boyfriend would pick up on that.

He has no reason to think you'd be uncomfortable around his housemate. He knows him. It's probably never occurred to him that you don't feel the same way and are unsure of the housemate.

So you sort of sat about waiting for a whole load of nonspecific reassurance from your boyfriend, who didn't even know you were uncomfortable. Then when it didn't happen, you ended up heading off to your mum's.

So you said "right I'm off", he said "are you annoyed or what" and you said "no".

You said no.

See that? He asked were you mad, you said no.

No, I'm just going back to my folks. I'll see you next week. <-- So not even just a no, a no with a plan of action.

...and then you were surprised he didn't follow you to discuss the fact that you're not mad at him?

Obviously, however, you managed to enunciate some of your true feelings through the enormous huff that you stropped off in. Hence you got a text message a few minutes later, when the bloke's had a quarter of an hour to think "I'm sure that was a huff. Sure, she said she wasn't mad, but I'm sure there was some stomping there. And a big sigh. Which usually means she really is annoyed." So you got a "have I done something" text right on cue when you were on the bus, really.

And you didn't respond to it. You let him stew for a bit, and then eventually, one and a half days into your weekend, you finally told him what was up. Which was probably a bolt out of the blue.

High maintenance much, you? Seriously, how do you communicate with anyone? Or are a lot of your conversations along the lines of "He said, then she said, and I THINK that means..."?

Blokes are rarely insensitive on a daily basis. Insensitivitiy infers some sort of appreciation of your feelings, but just not caring what you think. This is not the case. Blokes normally aren't aware of what you're feeling unless you tell them, because they do not empathise the way women do.

QED: If you want something, tell your bloke.

If you think something, tell him.
If you need something, tell him.
If you're annoyed, tell him why.
If you're sad, tell him why.
If you're angry, tell him why.
If you're happy, tell him.
If you're horny, tell him. (He'll be delighted.)
If you're bored, tell him.
If you're tired, tell him.
If you're excited, tell him.

After a while in a relationship, blokes begin to recognise attributes of your personality and learn a sort of empathy with you specifically - but it's not a skill transferrable between different women.

Your man doesn't read minds. And as long as you continue to conduct your relationship on a "Well he should just know" basis, you'll be miserable and he'll be confused.

Beruthiel

I echo everything MAJD said.
Men need to be told right out what's going on, they DO NOT get subtle hints or moods, you either say right what's on your mind if you wish them to understand. Otherwise it all results in confusion.
This is something a lot of women do not seem to get, but once you do, it's plain sailing.

Chrissie

You sound like a headwrecker TBH, & that's coming from a girl!!!!

You couldn't / wouldn't make conversation with the housemate, leaving the situ uncomfortable, you huffed when he went on the PC, he needed to go to his parents but you wouldn't go with him, you wouldn't stay at his but told him you didn't want to go home on your own, but that's what you were doing anyway.
He brought you to the park for a nice stroll.

You said you were going home, but huffed when he asked you if you were going home.

After all that, you huffed because he didn't apologise. apologise for what????? You're the one being bloody awkward.

Then when you storm out, he comes out to ask you if you're mad & you say no you're not, when you actually are.

Then he texts you saying he hopes he didn't annoy you, & you ignore him..........

& then fight with him.

I say grow up a bit. Sorry to be harsh, but your bf sounds like he has the patience of a saint, but even saints have a line that can't be crossed.

Keep behaving like a spoilt brat & you won't have your saint for much longer.

Black Swan

Whoa! You guys sound like a young married couple I know, except of course, they live together in the same house as marrieds do. You both seem to be living in different worlds. Maybe it's time for you two to get together over a glass of wine (without any other commitments) and peacefully discuss this? Your relationship and where it's going?

Wibbs

Beruthiel wrote:

I echo everything MAJD said.
Men need to be told right out what's going on, they DO NOT get subtle hints or moods, you either say right what's on your mind if you wish them to understand. Otherwise it all results in confusion.
This is something a lot of women do not seem to get, but once you do, it's plain sailing.

Bang on the money and damned good advice. The whole "you should know what I'm feeling if you reeeeeeally loved me" guff irritates and confuses us. Non specific(to us) huffyness will generally be treated with suspicion at first, then rising to some level of contempt if not sorted out pronto. Also sadly many men can regard women as over emotional children who need to be coddled and treat them accordingly, precisely because of this kind behaviour. That demeans both sexes, so not exactly a good state of play. Nip this in the bud now or prepare for a life were you may be regarded as an irritating child woman by men.

Obviously these are generalisations as I know enough men and enough women where the huffy roles can easily be reversed.

RE*AC*TOR

i thought the comment was a bit rude in fairness - and if you were supposed to be having a nice weekend, I don't know why he'd have to spend the last time period of it checking his emails anyway.

I agree to a point that men don't pick up on signals all that well, but I think he should have made more of an effort.

Either way - as others have said - try to spell it out to him. If you can get the arguement down to a rational level instead of a purely emotional one - he will probably respond better.

ie here are the facts

- i don't know your flatmate well, and am uncomfortable in his presence / felt left out of conversation
- you check your email / spend too much time on computer especially since we have limited time together.
- i am dissapointed we didn't have the nice weekend we hoped for
- your comment although maybe not intended to be hurtful was perceived that way by me

i know its hard - but from my experience (as a man on the end of these types of arguments) if you can keep it rational it will work better. Don't argue the points, just say they are how you feel - they are facts, you accept he may have had good intentions, but he has to try harder etc.

Chinafoot

interpretations wrote:

so i was a little shocked at this bluntness and i said "no.. i can just go home now..." and then went upstairs and started packing my bags, fully expecting him to follow me up to either apologise, laugh about it, or say goodbye properly. but he didn't do any of that though, and stayed down stairs on the computer. so i went back down with my bag and said "see u later" and walked out to the door. he followed me and asked "why are u going?" and i responded something like "well why would i stay? what am i going to do here?" and he said something like "are you mad at me?" and i said "no i'm just going home. see u next week" and walked off pretty quickly, kind of expecting some kind of responce like him asking me to come back and talk about it, or him catching up with me, or him texting or calling a minute later. but none of that happened.

I'm sorry but the only thing that came to mind when I read this was "high-maintenance" Don't expect him to keep coming after you when you tell him there's nothing wrong.

You need to chill a bit. I'm sure your boyfriend was annoyed too that your weekend wasn't as you had planned. You said he was sorting out flights on the internet, maybe it was important and had to be done then. If you have a problem with how much time he spends on there then tell him. No man is a mind reader.

Also you need to sort out the flatmate situation. The scenario you described is cringe-worthy. You sat there trying to read a book while they chatted!? That must have looked so rude. Fair enough you don't really know the flatmate but this person lives with your boyfriend, don't you think it would be a good idea to get yourself on friendly terms with him/her?

Sounds to me like you were in a mood because the weekend didn't go the way you wanted and you took a harmless comment he made and found offence in it. He said "So are you just going to hang here while I go to my parents or what?" How is that offensive? He wanted you to stay since you refused to go to his parent's with him (Also a bad idea by the way, you should make the effort with his parents) and you told him you didn't want to go home. What was he supposed to do?

From what you've said it seems to me that you were in the wrong. You took a harmless comment he made and blew it up into a big deal because you were in a mood. You should text him and apologise and in future, if you have a problem with something....tell him!

RE*AC*TOR

peachypants wrote:

He said "So are you just going to hang here while I go to my parents or what?" How is that offensive?

actually he said "so are you just going to hang here til i go to my parents or what?"

there's a world of difference between "while" and "until"

BoozyBabe

RE*AC*TOR wrote:

actually he said "so are you just going to hang here til i go to my parents or what?"

there's a world of difference between "while" and "until"

ACTUALLY, you don't know what he said. Maybe the OP defo quoted him word for word, but maybe she didn't.

IMO she is in the wrong, & she should chill out a little.

RE*AC*TOR

BoozyBabe wrote:

ACTUALLY, you don't know what he said. Maybe the OP defo quoted him word for word, but maybe she didn't.

IMO she is in the wrong, & she should chill out a little.

If you can't take what the OP stated as being truth, then what's the point of all of this?

We could just assume it was all a dream and she doesn't have a boyfriend, in fact she's not even a woman etc etc.

Chinafoot

RE*AC*TOR wrote:

actually he said "so are you just going to hang here til i go to my parents or what?"

there's a world of difference between "while" and "until"

Ah I apologise....however I still don't see the offence. It still sounds like he wanted her to stay. She had made it clear that she was going home even though she also made it clear she didn't want to, so perhaps he wanted to see if she was going to wait until he was leaving so they could head off together.
That's hardly being rude or blunt.

As a girl with a boyfriend who can be a little clueless sometimes (<3) I sometimes got myself into a huff when he didn't instantly pick up on the fact that I was in a strop over something. Just from reading the OP's post it's obvious that she was in a fouler of a mood. She had plenty of opportunity to tell him how she felt but she didn't. She expected him to just know. This is a pointless, pointless excercise.

She fully admitted that she expected him to keep following her even though she said there was nothing wrong. That's being totally unfair in my opinion. He asked and she said no. What more can he do? He asked her to go to his paren's, she said no. She said she was going to go home but she also made the point of saying "although did say that i don't like going back home alone on sunday afternoons." So he suggests that she stay in his place while he's in his parent's, she says no.

Seems to me like the guy couldn't win.

Zulu

OP you are wrong and should apologise (for all the reasons mentioned)

MAJD, I think I'm going to print that post and dole it out to all my female friends. Brilliant post.

BoozyBabe

RE*AC*TOR wrote:

If you can't take what the OP stated as being truth, then what's the point of all of this?

We could just assume it was all a dream and she doesn't have a boyfriend, in fact she's not even a woman etc etc.

Now you're just being silly!!!

While it's perfectly obvious that this is not a dream, the op does have a boyfriend & this incident DID happen, quoting someone word for word is not easy, & misplacing a few words can allow someone to take a completely different meaning out of a phrase.

If the bf was on here & he was to exactly quote himself, you can bet there would be a few differences in their phrases, & I'm even willing to bet that both people would get it slightly wrong.

That was all I meant by my point.
A lot of times I try quoting myself, & I can't remember exactly what I said, so the OP may have gotten her quote wrong, maybe she got it perfectly correct. We don't know for sure whether she did or didn't, so you being very pernickity with Peachypants over a quote is silly.

Chinafoot

BoozyBabe wrote:

so you being very pernickity with Peachypants over a quote is silly.

Cheers BoozyBabe.

Like I said, either would doesn't make it a rude or blunt comment. H e was simply asking her what she was doing after her whole "I don't want to this, this or this" episode.*

She got in a huff and acted like a child. End of.

OP apologise to him and try to act like more of an adult in future.


*and before you start Reactor, that is not meant to be a direct quote...

RE*AC*TOR

BoozyBabe wrote:

maybe she got it perfectly correct. We don't know for sure whether she did or didn't, so you being very pernickity with Peachypants over a quote is silly.

My point is that all we have to go on is what the OP stated.

We have to assume she is correct or else all this waffle is pointless. I raised it because the way PeachyPants stated it was nice and benign, and the way the OP stated it, was tantamount to "well, are you going to bugger off or what?".

That's all - and assuming the OP is right, it sounded rude and harsh.

I agree with a lot of what has been said here, about spelling it out to men, but there should be a middle ground - men are not idiots if you're gf storms off - its quite obvious something is wrong. Its not good enough to say, "well I asked you if you were mad". Relationships aren't an electronic gadget... "well i defragmented the hard drive..."

Chinafoot

RE*AC*TOR wrote:

My point is that all we have to go on is what the OP stated.

We have to assume she is correct or else all this waffle is pointless. I raised it because the way PeachyPants stated it was nice and benign, and the way the OP stated it, was tantamount to "well, are you going to bugger off or what?".

That's all - and assuming the OP is right, it sounded rude and harsh.

To be perfectly honest, I would not have taken offence to that if my boyfriend said it to me. This is of course assuming that I wasn't in a huff and wasn't acting like a child because things didn't go my way.

RE*AC*TOR wrote:

I agree with a lot of what has been said here, about spelling it out to men, but there should be a middle ground - men are not idiots if you're gf storms off - its quite obvious something is wrong. Its not good enough to say, "well I asked you if you were mad". Relationships aren't an electronic gadget... "well i defragmented the hard drive..."

She did storm off and he did follow her. He asked her why she was going. Surely if he was intending to be harsh or rude in what he said he wouldn't have bothered following and asking her that. Or are you suggesting that he should have kept on after her asking what was wrong? Would that have made it any better? He gave her the opportunity to say what was wrong and she didn't take it.

There was one unreasonable party in this instance and it wasn't the boyfriend

RE*AC*TOR

Peachypants - all I can say is that your boyfriend is a lucky man - if all women were like you - what a world we'd live in.

Chinafoot

RE*AC*TOR wrote:

Peachypants - all I can say is that your boyfriend is a lucky man - if all women were like you - what a world we'd live in.

Maybe I just have a bit of cop on and treat my boyfriend with a bit of respect.

Now can we get to the OP's problem?

BoozyBabe

peachypants wrote:

Now can we get to the OP's problem?

Well,
Until the OP comes back, I think all that can be said has been said.

I think the general consensus is that on a whole, he didn't do much wrong, she was in a huffy mood, stormed off, said she wasn't angry when she was & then had a go at him a few hours later.

She was wrong, instead of getting in a huff, she should have had a quiet word with the bf early in the day saying what she was hoping for, or what was getting to her, i.e being a mature adult instead of saying nothing, sulking & storming off.

It solves nothing & just makes you look like high maintenance.

Apologise to your bf, tell him why you acted like you did, & in future be a bit more mature with your actions.

pickarooney

Any chance you missed the subtle hint meaning "would you kindly stop reading over my shoulder whlie I'm checking my mail?" encrypted in his question?

Honestly, does it have to be spelled out?

TheTruthFairy

interpretations wrote:

his housemates were mostly away except for one, so some of our plans got ruined, and things were uncomfortable in the house.

How on earth were your plans "ruined" by a housemate being there?

The housemate pays rent, unlike you, and is perfectly entitled to be in the house as he pleases.

interpretations wrote:

this morning we got up and went to the shops to get some breakfast, then when we got back my boyfriend started checking his emails and sorting out some flights while making breakfast. his housemate was also there, but i dont really know him so it was a little awkward. we all sat around the kitchen table for about an hour and a half while they both discussed their travel arrangments and i sat uncomfortably or tried to read a book. eventually i just went back to bed.

You're obviously not comfortable with yourself if you can't deal with being in the same room as the housemate. You sat there uncomfortable - try joining in the conversation next time.

keithclancy

If the guy posted here rather than the girl it would be

"Jaysus, My lady blabbed on about goin to parents place.. now shes pissy with me .. Wtf did i do ? "

delly

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Oh dear.

So you wanted to do something, and be entertained for the weekend, but you didn't say outright "ah here listen this weekend isn't what it was cracked up to be, you've a lot on and your housemate's here which sort of ruined the mood". You just ambled about hoping your boyfriend would pick up on that.

He has no reason to think you'd be uncomfortable around his housemate. He knows him. It's probably never occurred to him that you don't feel the same way and are unsure of the housemate.

So you sort of sat about waiting for a whole load of nonspecific reassurance from your boyfriend, who didn't even know you were uncomfortable. Then when it didn't happen, you ended up heading off to your mum's.

So you said "right I'm off", he said "are you annoyed or what" and you said "no".

You said no.

See that? He asked were you mad, you said no.

No, I'm just going back to my folks. I'll see you next week. <-- So not even just a no, a no with a plan of action.

...and then you were surprised he didn't follow you to discuss the fact that you're not mad at him?

Obviously, however, you managed to enunciate some of your true feelings through the enormous huff that you stropped off in. Hence you got a text message a few minutes later, when the bloke's had a quarter of an hour to think "I'm sure that was a huff. Sure, she said she wasn't mad, but I'm sure there was some stomping there. And a big sigh. Which usually means she really is annoyed." So you got a "have I done something" text right on cue when you were on the bus, really.

And you didn't respond to it. You let him stew for a bit, and then eventually, one and a half days into your weekend, you finally told him what was up. Which was probably a bolt out of the blue.

High maintenance much, you? Seriously, how do you communicate with anyone? Or are a lot of your conversations along the lines of "He said, then she said, and I THINK that means..."?

Blokes are rarely insensitive on a daily basis. Insensitivitiy infers some sort of appreciation of your feelings, but just not caring what you think. This is not the case. Blokes normally aren't aware of what you're feeling unless you tell them, because they do not empathise the way women do.

QED: If you want something, tell your bloke.

If you think something, tell him.
If you need something, tell him.
If you're annoyed, tell him why.
If you're sad, tell him why.
If you're angry, tell him why.
If you're happy, tell him.
If you're horny, tell him. (He'll be delighted.)
If you're bored, tell him.
If you're tired, tell him.
If you're excited, tell him.

After a while in a relationship, blokes begin to recognise attributes of your personality and learn a sort of empathy with you specifically - but it's not a skill transferrable between different women.

Your man doesn't read minds. And as long as you continue to conduct your relationship on a "Well he should just know" basis, you'll be miserable and he'll be confused.

QFT

Can't really add much more.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Try not playing games with your man by acting a certain way in the vague hope of manipulating his behaviour or have him chase after you to beg forgiveness & just tell him how you feel! You'll be amazed at how much more you get from someone when you are not expecting them to read to your mind....if he was being rude by sitting on his PC, then take the time to grab a shower, suggest a walk, ask him to check them later because you want to ......, etc, etc....

If you are not happy with something, say why and try to change it - talk to his flatmate, why not go see his parents? You seemed to expect a particular weekend but when you forget to tell your other half that you're not having the wkend you dreamed of, then guess what? They assume you are & carry on with the status quo....

Vegeta

MJD, had it in one

Communication breakdown

Beetlebum

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Oh dear.

So you wanted to do something, and be entertained for the weekend, but you didn't say outright "ah here listen this weekend isn't what it was cracked up to be, you've a lot on and your housemate's here which sort of ruined the mood". You just ambled about hoping your boyfriend would pick up on that.

He has no reason to think you'd be uncomfortable around his housemate. He knows him. It's probably never occurred to him that you don't feel the same way and are unsure of the housemate.

So you sort of sat about waiting for a whole load of nonspecific reassurance from your boyfriend, who didn't even know you were uncomfortable. Then when it didn't happen, you ended up heading off to your mum's.

So you said "right I'm off", he said "are you annoyed or what" and you said "no".

You said no.

See that? He asked were you mad, you said no.

No, I'm just going back to my folks. I'll see you next week. <-- So not even just a no, a no with a plan of action.

...and then you were surprised he didn't follow you to discuss the fact that you're not mad at him?

Obviously, however, you managed to enunciate some of your true feelings through the enormous huff that you stropped off in. Hence you got a text message a few minutes later, when the bloke's had a quarter of an hour to think "I'm sure that was a huff. Sure, she said she wasn't mad, but I'm sure there was some stomping there. And a big sigh. Which usually means she really is annoyed." So you got a "have I done something" text right on cue when you were on the bus, really.

And you didn't respond to it. You let him stew for a bit, and then eventually, one and a half days into your weekend, you finally told him what was up. Which was probably a bolt out of the blue.

High maintenance much, you? Seriously, how do you communicate with anyone? Or are a lot of your conversations along the lines of "He said, then she said, and I THINK that means..."?

Blokes are rarely insensitive on a daily basis. Insensitivitiy infers some sort of appreciation of your feelings, but just not caring what you think. This is not the case. Blokes normally aren't aware of what you're feeling unless you tell them, because they do not empathise the way women do.

QED: If you want something, tell your bloke.

If you think something, tell him.
If you need something, tell him.
If you're annoyed, tell him why.
If you're sad, tell him why.
If you're angry, tell him why.
If you're happy, tell him.
If you're horny, tell him. (He'll be delighted.)
If you're bored, tell him.
If you're tired, tell him.
If you're excited, tell him.

After a while in a relationship, blokes begin to recognise attributes of your personality and learn a sort of empathy with you specifically - but it's not a skill transferrable between different women.

Your man doesn't read minds. And as long as you continue to conduct your relationship on a "Well he should just know" basis, you'll be miserable and he'll be confused.

Fair play to ya....I'm a girl and I agree with everything you've said, great advice, OP listen up!!

LegacyUser

first of all, i quoted everything pretty much word for word. the comment really was "are you just going to hang around here TIL i go to my parents or what?", which given the situation would mean me standing around alone on the other side of the room or sitting alone in his bedroom while he looked at the internet, to wait until he was leaving for his parents, where if i went with him i would be sitting in his room while he used their printer and computer, and have to meet his mother for the first time.

we have a pretty good relationship otherwise, and things are fun and everything. talking to his housemate wasn't really an option, as we're both shy, and my boyfriend knows this. i do get on with some of the other guys living in the house, because i've known them longer and they're easier to talk to, but i still wouldn't really want to spend an hour and a half around a kitchen table first thing in the morning with them, while they are all either using their laptops, eating, or chain smoking, and i am sitting there quietly doing nothing trying to find something to say while they try and talk to my boyfriend, who is half ignoring them anyway about stuff i'm not involved in and can't contribute to. so yeah, i read a book that was lying around. and no, that wasn't rude.

i went upstairs instead and 5 minutes later he followed me up half apologising for ignoring me - acknowledging that he was ignoring me and that he noticed i was upset without me saying anything - so he must be capable of figuring stuff out without it being spelled out to him.

so, later when it happened again - yes, when i was leaving he said "are you mad?", i said "no", but it was pretty obvious that i was upset, because i would never leave like that otherwise, and because i was on the brink of tears. he said afterwards that when he said that "are you just going to hang around or what?" comment he meant it to be sarcastic, but that it had come out wrong - but why didn't he say that at the time? to me it seemed like he wanted rid of me, he said something mean, then i crawled off feeling embarrased and unwelcome, then hours later after getting what he wanted but didn't want to admit to wanting, he claims it was all a big joke that just sounded wrong.

so to synopsise the situation: my boyfriend knows that i am uncomfortable around his housemates, due to the fact that we are both sky and awkward around each other. he decided to use the computer in the dining room to spend and hour and a half looking at message boards and emailing, leaving me to sit at the table with his friend who didn't speak to me all weekend, instead of using the computer in his bedroom, where we could have cuddled while he did his internet stuff and i read a book or whatever. please note that when the roles are reversed and i have things that i need to do, or if i want to spend an hour in his presence checking my emails, i get accused of not making time for him. add to this the fact that i had that week had a load of his work friends over at my house where i cooked a huge dinner for all of them, then gone out of town to his house to spend a quiet weekend together just the two of us, blowing off a friends party to spend saturday night with him watching dvd's, because he had said that he wanted to spend a big chunk of time with me, and because we both wanted to have a special weekend together. so yeah i was upset when a special weekend together meant being completely ignored while he used the internet for hours.

i just feel really stupid and embarrased about the whole thing. i know its a stupid argument. i should have just left after breakfast, and not stuck around to outstay my welcome. but infairness, hes always welcome in my house, he stays for days and i put things off to hang out with him. and if i'm really busy i tell him from the start that i can only hang out for a few hours. i just feel like an idiot all the time because i go around doing all this stuff to help him - making dinner for his friends, helping him with his work etc - because i really really want us to be close and friendly and strong together... i know i've got problems, and i feel like a total idiot for still having the same **** personality problems at 24 that i had at 16, i worry constantly about everything, i'm painfully self-conscious all the time, i've got low self esteem half the time and i'm an egotisical nightmare the other half, i have loads of trouble making friends and getting close to people, to the point that when i do get close to a boy even if its not working out i don't want to break up with him because it will mean losing a friend, everytime something goes wrong i think of everything in my life that has ever gone wrong and i break down into a suicidal mess until i have to snap out of it and pretend i'm ok, the friends i do have right now i'm not very close to and recently it feels like we are all getting sick of each other and gradually spending less and less time with each other, no one knows i feel like this, i can't talk to anyone because i don't want them to think i'm mental forever, i really want to change and be like a successful human being who can deal with social interactions and relationship problems in a normal well adjusted way, but i don't know how, when i was a teenager my dad used to tell me i had an ugly personality and that i had better change now or else i would be stuck being the same and now its true, i am stuck, and i'm a complete mess.

half the time i dislike everyone around me and have no interest in knowing them, the other half of the time i'm imagining myself being a normal friendly person with loads of friends and how much i want to be like that. then sometimes i want to just not exist anymore, but then i don't want to cause even more problems for everyone and become even more of an idiot and a bitch by killing myself or going missing. nothings important to me anymore, i don't get excited by anything the way i used to, my career is going really well and could go even better if i put more effort into it, but i don't care about anything. but at the same time i care about every little tiny thing. i feel like theres nothing to look forward to, my work life is going to continue on pretty much the same, i'm going to go on having like 2 or 3 friends who i rely on too much, i'm not going to be able to have a proper relationship with anyone becuase of all my stupidity, i'm never goign to move around or travel because i won't be able to find anyone to go with me and i'm too scared to do it by myself. i just want to become someone else, or stop being me, and stop feeling like **** everytime i sit down and reasses my life, i dont want to act like an idiot and get upset at the slightest thing and make people feel bad about it, and i don't want to keep putting myself in a position where my boyfriend is bored of me and prefers to do check emails on a sunday morning than spend time with me knowing i'm going to be leaving soon.. and i don't want to care so much when that does happen, i wish i was the kind of person who could laugh it off and go and meet up with some friends instead. but i dont know how to change myself and be that kind of person, and i dont even know if i care to, part of me just wants to hide out somewhere dark and quiet for a few years til my parents die so that i can die too without upsetting anyone.

Chinafoot

You have far, far greater issues to deal with than a row with your boyfriend.

TheTruthFairy

Woah, long post.

Read this, it might help you.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/improving_your_confidence

Firstly, you have to have a life outside of your boyfriend. You should never blow a friends party off to spend time with a boyfriend! If he is busy find something else to do instead of sitting there moaning and feeling sorry for yourself.

You still haven't answered how a housemate in the house "ruined" your weekend. The housemate pays rent and has more of a right to be in the house than you. If you can't get on with people as you are shy that is your problem, not the housemates.

You will be able to have a proper relationship if you learn to like yourself. What is wrecking things at the moment is your over-reaction to trifling matters.

LegacyUser

peachypants wrote:

You have far, far greater issues to deal with than a row with your boyfriend.

uh huh....

Fanny Cradock

mercy! how long did it take you to write that reply?? why not relax a little and try spend less time and energy worrying about this tiff. you had a silly argument – big deal! it should be forgotten about, yet you STILL continue to fret about it.

your boyfriend went off to check some emails - so what! does he have to give his constant and undivided attention to you?

There was a number of options open to you that day:
you could have TRIED to speak to his flat mate. though ditching the "half the time i dislike everyone around me and have no interest in knowing them" attitude would be an idea;
you could have gone upstairs to read;
you could have conveyed your feelings to your bf instead of sulking.

i think the last paragraph of your post is most important. the description you give of yourself depicts someone who is deeply uncomfortable within herself. i'm sorry that you feel like this. please consider talking to a professional about how you feel. it maybe a long and rocky road, but if you do find some sort of happiness then maybe a non-event such as this argument wont have as much affect on you (and consequently those around you).

you asked for opinions on the argument - well, i personally think you were totally in the wrong. i say this due to your initial over-reaction (which seems to stem form some unhapiness in your life) and subsequent failure to communicate how you felt. why not apologise to him, move on and seek some solutions to the problems that exist in your life. then maybe you will find the happiness that you need.

Zulu

interpretations wrote:

first of all, i quoted everything pretty much word for word. the comment really was "are you just going to hang around here TIL i go to my parents or what?", ...

To be fair, this is a really minor thing and you know it. You're just making an excuse...

talking to his housemate wasn't really an option, as we're both shy,

This is total BS. If I was the house mate, you'd be a guest in my house, and I'd expect YOU to make an effort. Not doing so is RUDE. I wouldn't stand for it, and remember, it's my house - not yours.

i do get on with some of the other guys living in the house, because i've known them longer and they're easier to talk to,

this is because you've made an effort with them. You don't have to like any of them, but you do have to be polite. It's their house. Their living space. Their home.

so yeah, i read a book that was lying around. and no, that wasn't rude.

...it kinda was.

so he must be capable of figuring stuff out without it being spelled out to him.

Assumption - the mother of all fu(k-ups.

when i was leaving he said "are you mad?", i said "no", but it was pretty obvious that i was upset

To you, perhaps not to him. But even if it was obvious, if you mentioned it, he would have had to deal with it there and then, but you didn't, and now your in this mess.

he said afterwards that when he said that "are you just going to hang around or what?" comment he meant it to be sarcastic, but that it had come out wrong - but why didn't he say that at the time?

...if you had told him you were upset....

to me it seemed like he wanted rid of me, he said something mean, then i crawled off feeling embarrassed and unwelcome,

Why? Someone you care about hurts you - tell them.

then hours later after getting what he wanted but didn't want to admit to wanting, he claims it was all a big joke that just sounded wrong.

How do you know thats what he wanted? ...you can read minds?!?

please note that when the roles are reversed and i have things that i need to do, or if i want to spend an hour in his presence checking my emails, i get accused of not making time for him

...and I bet he doesn't spend as much time upset. Perhaps he's on to something?

add to this the fact that i had that week had a load of his work friends over at my house where i cooked a huge dinner for all of them, then gone out of town to his house to spend a quiet weekend together just the two of us, blowing off a friends party to spend saturday night with him watching dvd's...

Is this the root of the problem perhaps

...i know i've got problems, and i feel like a total idiot...
i worry constantly about everything,
i'm painfully self-conscious all the time,
i've got low self esteem half the time ...
i'm an egotisical nightmare the other half,
i have loads of trouble making friends and getting close to people,
everytime something goes wrong i think of everything in my life that has ever gone wrong and i break down into a suicidal mess
i can't talk to anyone because i don't want them to think i'm mental forever,
i don't know how,
i am stuck, and i'm a complete mess.

This is all very negative. We can go through life over analysing everything and find 1000's of reasons where we got it wrong, where we're doing it wrong, and where we'll get it wrong, but it won't make us happy. You need to focus on the positive, and the rest will come. Focus on the positive, and you'll become happier, and people will warm to you naturally.
Start talking to your boyfriend. Open up to him. Explain yourself in a level way. You'll build an open loving and supportive relationship. If he dumps you, what have you lost? It wasn't like you had an "open loving and supportive relationship" anyway. ...and you will find one.

YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE.

RE*AC*TOR

peachypants wrote:

You have far, far greater issues to deal with than a row with your boyfriend.

grow up ffs.

OP - it sounds to me that your self-esteem issue is being confused with the boyfriend being an inconsiderate twat issue. You sound like a fairly normal woman to me. If you are guilty of anything - its over-analysing yourself. There's no such thing as a "successful human being". We all have fears and worries and anxieties. Perhaps some of us put up a better facade than others etc. Your actions with regards to the row incident do not sound like those of the emotional wreck you are describing. They sound like common relationship issues that men and women come across.

Loads of friends and a smiley happy relationship with your boyfriend are not the defining attributes of a person. Try focusing on the more positive aspects of your life.

Having worries over social interactions is not uncommon. Just do your best, and try not to let your fear take over. It gets easier with practice.

As for the row - I stand by my original summation - it does sound like he was being inconsiderate - and rude/harsh - you both could have reacted better, I think you should discuss how you feel about the various aspects of the day with him in a calm, rational manner.

RE*AC*TOR

TheTruthFairy wrote:

You still haven't answered how a housemate in the house "ruined" your weekend. The housemate pays rent and has more of a right to be in the house than you.

She didn't say the weekend was ruined, she said, "so some of our plans got ruined"

Perhaps this involved having sex on the couch? or just being alone and watching movies or being intimate. She never said the housemate was at fault for being in his own house.

Tony255

To be honest you sound like you're about 15, seriously high maintenance and definitely not in a position for a relationship (well all you have to do is continue like this and you wont be for long). going off in a huff and then starting a fight over something stupid like that is really immature. If I was him I wouldn’t even entertain the argument through a text this really annoys me if you have a problem be mature enough to say it to his face so that things can be sorted out, text messages are the worst way to sort fights and they do nothing but prolong the fight. Maybe i picked it up wrong but this is the way it looked to me from your post.

Just out of curiosity how often do ye fight?

Chinafoot

RE*AC*TOR wrote:

grow up ffs.

What the fúck. I was being genuine there. You yourself went on to talk about her self esteem issues. :rolleyes:

She should seek some professional help for her problems.

LegacyUser

RE*AC*TOR wrote:

grow up ffs.

OP - it sounds to me that your self-esteem issue is being confused with the boyfriend being an inconsiderate twat issue. You sound like a fairly normal woman to me. If you are guilty of anything - its over-analysing yourself. There's no such thing as a "successful human being". We all have fears and worries and anxieties. Perhaps some of us put up a better facade than others etc. Your actions with regards to the row incident do not sound like those of the emotional wreck you are describing. They sound like common relationship issues that men and women come across.

Loads of friends and a smiley happy relationship with your boyfriend are not the defining attributes of a person. Try focusing on the more positive aspects of your life.

Having worries over social interactions is not uncommon. Just do your best, and try not to let your fear take over. It gets easier with practice.

As for the row - I stand by my original summation - it does sound like he was being inconsiderate - and rude/harsh - you both could have reacted better, I think you should discuss how you feel about the various aspects of the day with him in a calm, rational manner.

thanks, that actually helped me feel a little better.

Tony255

and another thing

interpretations wrote:

"are you mad?", i said "no", but it was pretty obvious that i was upset

wtf, why do women do this, do you think we are mind readers. Christ ye are so complicated

LegacyUser

RE*AC*TOR wrote:

She didn't say the weekend was ruined, she said, "so some of our plans got ruined"

Perhaps this involved having sex on the couch? or just being alone and watching movies or being intimate. She never said the housemate was at fault for being in his own house.

thanks reactor, that was exactly it. sex can be pretty loud, and we usually do it in my house when theres no one home, and if i'm staying at his house it has to be quick and quiet because theres always someone around and the walls are real thin. he was excited because he thought this weekend would be the first since he moved in that he'd have the house to himself, and we thought that'd be cool, since the few times i've stayed over there its really uncomfortable cause we can't watch tv because theres always someone watching something or wanting to play playstation. which is fair enough, it is their house, and we usually watch a dvd on his computer in his room instead, which is what we did on saturday, it was fine, but a little tense because my bf was unhappy about not getting the house to himself.

so i'm not totally rude and being horrible to his housemates. i did the dishes and cleaned up bits in the kitchen, and did what i could to not be in the way. i'm just not very good at making conversation with other people who i know to be really shy too, because its so difficult as neither of us are relaxed. so i would just prefer to leave it with that housemate, and maybe one day we'd get more relaxed with each other once we've met each other a few more times, or once we've had a proper converstation at a party or something outside of the house.

Gordon

interpretations wrote:

so, later when it happened again - yes, when i was leaving he said "are you mad?", i said "no", but it was pretty obvious that i was upset, because i would never leave like that otherwise, and because i was on the brink of tears.

he said afterwards that when he said that "are you just going to hang around or what?" comment he meant it to be sarcastic, but that it had come out wrong - but why didn't he say that at the time?

I think you're being a bit hypocritical in some regards.

It sounds like you need a fresh new lease of life as you aren't interested in anything. You don't want to talk to his flatmates and you are internalising EVERYTHING!

You should try and get some hobbies and work on special projects that interest YOU and enjoy your life.

Are you the type of person that always finds a boyfriend soon after breaking up with someone and can't be alone?

What would you really like out of life if you had three wishes?

LegacyUser

Gordon wrote:

I think you're being a bit hypocritical in some regards.

It sounds like you need a fresh new lease of life as you aren't interested in anything. You don't want to talk to his flatmates and you are internalising EVERYTHING!

You should try and get some hobbies and work on special projects that interest YOU and enjoy your life.

Are you the type of person that always finds a boyfriend soon after breaking up with someone and can't be alone?

What would you really like out of life if you had three wishes?

this is the first proper relationship i've had for years, i dont really have any patterns of single/non-single to look into. sometimes i go through phases of casual relationships, but its no big deal. i do find it hard to find someone i feel very attracted to.

but yeah, thanks for the advice.. i guess i would wish that i could make a fresh start somewhere new, with no responsabilities or guilt back home, but with the social skills to deal with being alone and making new friends. i think thats pretty impossible tho...

Gordon

interpretations wrote:

but yeah, thanks for the advice.. i guess i would wish that i could make a fresh start somewhere new, with no responsabilities or guilt back home, but with the social skills to deal with being alone and making new friends. i think thats pretty impossible tho...

That would be running away if you did that. The thing about problems is that they may not be as fast a runner as you are but they have a great amount of stamina and hence will always catch up with you.

Don't think that you can't do something because you don't think that you can do it - just get stuck in and give it a go, and stop quizzing yourself over it, sometimes thoughts can really cause you a lot of wasted time.

Sleepy

OP, just one little tip that might make one aspect of your life a little easier (sometimes that's all it takes to get the ball rolling!), shy people tend to like other shy people when they make a little bit of effort. They know how difficult it is for you to make the first move so when you do they feel good about themselves that you made the first move, relax a little and open up a bit to you. You've nothing to lose by making some small chat, even something as small as "how're you this morning? Get up to anything good last night?" can start a conversation that could be the start of a friendship.

The first step to gaining real confidence is acting as if you already had that confidence, then when you see how easy it is, and how often it works, you'll becoming naturally confident.