Friend Or Girlfriend?

LegacyUser

I Don't know how to approach this so Ill just say it.

I met a girl about 6 years ago in college, we became and are still friends, not best friends but close enough.

I suppose you could say that Ive always found her attractive, but just in a "guy thinks shes good looking kind of way".

Lately I have found my feelings have changed. I cant stop thinking about her, not just in a sexual context but an emotional one too. I find myself thinking of her all the time, I notice when shes not in a room, seek approval for my actions in line with her values and make excuses to be around her.

I guess you can see where I think this is heading, but unfortunatly along the way to this state I have come to think of her as a good friend, one that I could remain friends with indefinitely. I cant keep this up, its effecting my work. Plus I have no idea how she feels, I might just be another friend as far as she is concerned.

Should I be pursuing this to a different level or accept that I have a very good friend?

Doodee

as that tv slogan used to say

"Suck em and See"

Optikus

Well you can't help how you feel.. so the best thing for you is to talk to her and explain how you feel. It could effect your friendship with her if she dose not feel the same way, the but if your feeling are as strong for her as you say its the only way for you to resolve the situation.

vibe666

have you heard of the ladder theory? (google it)

you're on the wrong ladder my friend, and it's very hard to switch unless you're really hot and can melt girls hearts with the merest glance, but if this was the case you'd have slept with her 6 years ago, and not even remember her name now, so I think you're stuck.

you might have a chance with her, but it's going to be very hard, as you're firmly 'a friend' and women see guy 'frineds' in a totally different light to the way we do. funny creatures (*me feels the stern gaze of Beruthiel waiting to pounce on me from a great height) women.

CathyMoran

It's a tough one - you have to weigh up how much you value the friendship versus how much you want to date her. The friendship can survive if you make a pass at her, but it will never be the same. On the other hand, being friends with someone before you date them is a firmer basis for a friendship... Either way, I hope that it all works out for you.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same kinda situation as you raddish, only I met the girl 7-8 weeks ago, really good friends with her, but I think that the "ladder theory" applies to me unfortunately. Is the general advice for this situation to just tell her and see what happens?? (The bad thing is shes in my course, so I'd see her _all_ the time if it goes pear shaped!)

spockety

Dude, you are not her friend, and you never can be.

Your friendship from your side is based on your attraction to her, at first physical, and now emotional. Any actions you have taken since you met her have been designed subconsciously to get into her pants.

Guys and girls can never be friends in a one on one "he/she is a really great friend!" situation, because one will always fancy the other.

As has been pointed out, this is a typical ladder theory case, and in a sick and twisted way, becoming one with the ladder theory will actually help you get over it, because it forces you to think logically and with your brain, rather than with your heart and your penis.

I believe that in thousands of years, the Ladder Theory will have formed the basis for entire value systems and new and interesting cultures/religions.

Bard

spockety wrote:

Dude, you are not her friend, and you never can be.

Your friendship from your side is based on your attraction to her, at first physical, and now emotional. Any actions you have taken since you met her have been designed subconsciously to get into her pants.

Guys and girls can never be friends in a one on one "he/she is a really great friend!" situation, because one will always fancy the other.

As has been pointed out, this is a typical ladder theory case, and in a sick and twisted way, becoming one with the ladder theory will actually help you get over it, because it forces you to think logically and with your brain, rather than with your heart and your penis.

I believe that in thousands of years, the Ladder Theory will have formed the basis for entire value systems and new and interesting cultures/religions.

You'll have to excuse me but this post by spockety seems like utter crap to me.

My girlfriend and I are best friends without a doubt. We're very well matched - get on incredibly well and think very similarly. Sure, there's the odd silly argument but they don't last long. We're both mature, intelligent, responsible adults and enjoy the same things (for the most part). It's a real friendship, not based purely on physical attraction, although that is there too. The thing is - she was my girlfriend first, before we became really close as great friends. I'm not sure how it would work the other way around, but in my past experience, it generally doesn't. So - Raddish, it's very hard to advise you on how to proceed.

It's hard to be sure. Still - you never know - and you never will know unless you talk to her about it. It might, as Optikus said, do damage to the relationship if she doesn't feel the same way, but at the same time, telling her might be the best thing you've ever done - you just don't know until you do it and in this case, you're definitely better off knowing.

Dr. Loon

Bard wrote:

. I'm not sure how it would work the other way around, but in my past experience, it generally doesn't.

It did/does for me. Original poster, just ask.

memphis

It appears to me that this girl just wants to be your friend and is not interested in a relationship. If she was ye would be together within the last 6 years. From what I read of your account this is an obsession, and you need to get over it.... even if you want to remain pals with her, which is what I strongly suggest.

I suggest you remain friends with her bacause in my opinion its very hard to go from a relationship back to friends if the relationship doesn't work out. At least now ye are pals, spend time together, etc. Is that not enough?

I have fancied this girl for years (since secondary school, I'm 23 now) and we have always remained in contact. She is now back home after finishing her degree and working in town for the year. I have texted her (probably because I fancy her to obsession) and asked her to join me for a drink etc. I didn't get a reply.

Anyway, I left it at that, but am now in a drama with her, and although we only meet at practise we get on well.... as friends, and to me that is good enough. She may not like me as much as I like her, but I have to accept that. I would rather us be pals than nothing at all!

Memphis

IrishMike

Lot of dodgy advice here i have to say.
Take a chance, more than likely she allready knows you have feelings for her.
You have a bit to lose but could have a lot to gain.

Or you could get her really drunk and try it then if it backfires you can blame the drink, not that i would ever try something like that ......... again

narommy

Do her best girl friend and see how she reacts

If she takes it badly then ye can talk about things and something might get going

If she doesn't care then keep doing her friend

narommy

IrishMike wrote:

Lot of dodgy advice here i have to say.
Take a chance, more than likely she allready knows you have feelings for her.
You have a bit to lose but could have a lot to gain.

Or you could get her really drunk and try it then if it backfires you can blame the drink, not that i would ever try something like that ......... again

Actually I agree with Mike

(except my advice ain't dodgy)

You're not in a great situation now so you should do something and try and get it out of your system

spockety

Bard wrote:

You'll have to excuse me but this post by spockety seems like utter crap to me.

My girlfriend and I are best friends without a doubt. We're very well matched - get on incredibly well and think very similarly. Sure, there's the odd silly argument but they don't last long. We're both mature, intelligent, responsible adults and enjoy the same things (for the most part). It's a real friendship, not based purely on physical attraction, although that is there too. The thing is - she was my girlfriend first, before we became really close as great friends. I'm not sure how it would work the other way around, but in my past experience, it generally doesn't. So - Raddish, it's very hard to advise you on how to proceed.

It's hard to be sure. Still - you never know - and you never will know unless you talk to her about it. It might, as Optikus said, do damage to the relationship if she doesn't feel the same way, but at the same time, telling her might be the best thing you've ever done - you just don't know until you do it and in this case, you're definitely better off knowing.

Obviously I don't know you from Adam, but based on my qualifications and extensive experience in this field, the only conclusion that I can draw is that you are deluding yourself. I can only hope it doesn't get too painful for you before you realise this. Move on. We're not designed to be close friends, we are designed to shag and be there for each other in a close emotional and physical way (while shagging).

Dr Spock

spockety

spockety wrote:

Obviously I don't know you from Adam, but based on my qualifications and extensive experience in this field, the only conclusion that I can draw is that you are deluding yourself. I can only hope it doesn't get too painful for you before you realise this. Move on. We're not designed to be close friends, we are designed to shag and be there for each other in a close emotional and physical way.

Dr Spock

Actually hang on a second, is she still your girlfriend??
As in, you are a couple?

Well then you don't count, of course a couple are going to be great friends, that's the whole point. You are allowed to be 'friends' while you are sexually attracted to EACHOTHER.

BaZmO*

Bit of a non issue tbh.

The facts are you fancy her and you want to take it a step further.

So you have two options.

Option 1 is to do nothing amount how you feel about her and just remain "friends". With this option comes the oh so joyful experience of having to sit back and be a "friend" to her as she dates other guys, which in all fairness is not really a road that you would want to go down.

Option 2 is to bite the bullet and tell how you're feeling. It doesn't have to be done as blatently as "You Woman, Me Man, We Have Sex Now!!!" (although if that works fairplay, go fo it!!! )
There are more subtle ways to do it, like for example, if the two of you are out for a few drinks get the subject onto relationships and ask her subtley why she hasn't got a boyfriend and then you could mention that she'd be the type of girl that you'd go for and and guage her reaction and then play it by ear.

The worst thing that could happen if you just come out and say it to her is that she'll say that she doesn't see you in that way. So what? Big deal!! Sh1t happens, but at least you'll know and you won't be driving yourself insane trying to figure out how she feels about about you.
She won't be offended by you asking, if anything it's a compliment, and I'm sure you're not the first person to come onto her.

Just on the subject of remaining friends after something has happened between friends. In my experience if you just have a casual fling it doesn't tend to be a big deal if nothing comes of it, and you can normally go back to being just friends, unless of course some one turns into a bunny boiler about the whole situation!! But the complications arise when the fling turns into a serious long term relationship and if the relationship ends up failing well then it becomes nigh on impossible to remain friends, or at least that's in my experience.

But in nannygoat, that's all besides the point.

The choice is simple, do nothing or tell her how you feel. Life's too short for what if's!!!

Gluck,

B.

ven0m

vibe666 wrote:

have you heard of the ladder theory? (google it)

you're on the wrong ladder my friend, and it's very hard to switch unless you're really hot and can melt girls hearts with the merest glance, but if this was the case you'd have slept with her 6 years ago, and not even remember her name now, so I think you're stuck.

you might have a chance with her, but it's going to be very hard, as you're firmly 'a friend' and women see guy 'frineds' in a totally different light to the way we do. funny creatures (*me feels the stern gaze of Beruthiel waiting to pounce on me from a great height) women.

Jesus Chris, when did you become a philosopher & all-round 'dear xxx' ??? LOL - very sound advice though....


::: ven0mous :::

Evil Phil

Bard wrote:

It's a real friendship, not based purely on physical attraction, although that is there too.

Isn't that true love?!

Men and women can't be 'just good friends' until they get the sex out of the way. Either by having sex or one person developing an infatuation until realising they're not going to have sex. Personally I think you're to far into the friendship zone but you never know. Try and find out.

KlodaX

narommy wrote:

Do her best girl friend and see how she reacts

If she takes it badly then ye can talk about things and something might get going

If she doesn't care then keep doing her friend

Ha ha ha .. thats a great idea. Its better than getting drunk, I can only assume if you have been friends for 6 years you have got drunk together before... did anything ever happen then?

Bri

If you really like her and have been like this for a while she'll definatley have suspicions. I suggest you either sit back and try and hide them - thereby crushing yourself inside but only in the short-term - because you probably will get over her if nothing happens, but it will take time and I reckon it'll be a bit different because of this. You might become less close because you won't have been yourself around her for a long period of time.

So guess what I'm hinting at - follow the previous 'suggestive' behaviour. Basically you don't have to declare your undying love from the start. But if you don't suss it out then your just being foolish. Your friendship will/has change(d) once your thinking this way. Just decide yourself if you think the 2 of you are compatible (hard I know).

Oh and I was friends with my current girlfriend for a number of months before we went out - obviously you've more history - but I'm just saying it does happen and work - we're still happy 3 years later.

Plus, I always reckon girls have a) considered if they'd go out with friends before b) an idea when this is likely.

Good luck!

Bard

Evil Phil wrote:

Isn't that true love?!

In our case, yes, it is.

And spockety, I think you just contradicted your original opinion in your reply (to yourself)...

Yes, we're still together, yes, we're a 'couple', and yes, we're still 'great friends', and long shall it continue.

Victor

Raddish wrote:

Friend Or Girlfriend?

If you are asking what her current status is, she is not your girlfriend. I hear, you either have to be intimate with her or ask her.

How about in a quite moment, just say "I'm horny, but I'll settle for a hug."

Bard wrote:

We're both mature, intelligent, responsible adults and enjoy the same things (for the most part).

But you're still on boards

Ren0

Well it really is a tough call to make but it's one YOU have to make when YOU feel it is right.

If she gives a BIG hint (a real big hint, alots riding on this) that she's interested then go for it.

Be careful tho, as it was mentioned earlier, your friendship WILL NOT be the same if you try it on and she shoots you down, even if she acts like nothing is different.

Either way man, good luck and let me know how it goes, we're all rooting for you here.

Bard

Victor wrote:

But you're still on boards

Yet again I find myself wondering...
Victor... what's your point?

Victor

Bard wrote:

Yet again I find myself wondering...
Victor... what's your point?

"mature, intelligent, responsible adults" and boards.ie rarely meet

Bard

Victor wrote:

"mature, intelligent, responsible adults" and boards.ie rarely meet

rarely, yes... but meet, they do. occasionally.

FX Meister

Optikus wrote:

Well you can't help how you feel.. so the best thing for you is to talk to her and explain how you feel. It could effect your friendship with her if she dose not feel the same way, the but if your feeling are as strong for her as you say its the only way for you to resolve the situation.

Awww. Is that the same logic you employed to the situation with yourself and ***?

Beruthiel

FX Meister wrote:

Awww. Is that the same logic you employed to the situation with yourself and ***?

do not use peoples names in this forum without their consent
B

FX Meister

Sorry about that Beruth, it wasn't like anyone would know who she is so I didn't think it would be a problem.

Sleepy

Original poster, try arrange to spend more time alone with her. Get a few bottles of wine into the two of ye and just chat with her. Try edging the conversation to the topic of how the two of ye have ended up single. Her reactions should tell you all you need to know...

The key to this is not making a move then and there. If she makes one: great. Otherwise, just use the night to figure out her feelings on the idea and if you get the feeling she's open to the idea, approach the subject with her another time whilst your both sober (or still relatively sober if you need one or two for dutch courage!)

p.s. this depends largely on the notion of men typically being able to drink more than women so she'll have her guard down and you'll still have enough sense to correctly read any signals...

LegacyUser

I was in the same situation as you about half a year ago. Altough I hadn't known the girl as long as you, we were very good friends. I decided to tell her how I felt and she said she needed to think about it. She eventually decided she didn't feel about me the same way. Because we were such good friends the awkwardness only lasted a few days and after that we were able to laugh about it. I look back now and realise what a mistake it was in the first place, it wasn't really what I wanted either. My advice would be to just talk to her about it, and if you're friendship is strong enough then you should be fine no matter what happens. Good luck!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Just ask her, someone posted earlier with 2 options, 1 was keep quiet and watch her get with other guys, 2 was take a risk losing option 1. Whoever posted that had it spot on.

Plus I don't think she'll care too much, if she's anyway attractive it's probably happened to her in her teeneage years(many a time)

On a side note i always tell my female friends if I like them, physically or emotionally. Never bothered any of them. It's like people think it's a sin to be attracted to someone on here.

[Jackass]

vibe666 wrote:

have you heard of the ladder theory? (google it)

you're on the wrong ladder my friend, and it's very hard to switch unless you're really hot and can melt girls hearts with the merest glance, but if this was the case you'd have slept with her 6 years ago, and not even remember her name now, so I think you're stuck.

you might have a chance with her, but it's going to be very hard, as you're firmly 'a friend' and women see guy 'frineds' in a totally different light to the way we do. funny creatures (*me feels the stern gaze of Beruthiel waiting to pounce on me from a great height) women.

Ahhh crap!!! it's all so clear now!! That puts a serious dent in future expoditions i had planned.........OMG, i've hit rock bottom, i'm learning skills on the internet........:(