Are we meant to stay with one person?

dub_woman · 06-08-2005 1:26pm #1

My partner and I are together over 10 years and have been through all sorts of stuff in that time. There have been highs and lows like with everything but lately I'm wondering are two people meant to stay together forever. We are both in our thirties and we are married but.................................

djmarkus · 06-08-2005 1:29pm

Well my mum and dad are married 41 years! furthermore they wer both each others first gf/bf!

but your obviosly having doubts?

ARGINITE · 06-08-2005 1:29pm

If your happy and love him then yes.
If your unhappy and dont love him than no.
But its not that simple............................

So what do you mean by the but?

dub_woman · 06-08-2005 1:35pm

but is love enough to keep a relationship going?

simu · 06-08-2005 1:50pm

Stop looking for universal laws and things that are "meant" to be and analyse the particular details of your own relationship instead. Ask yourself: Do the highs make the lows worthwhile? Would I be happier alone or with somebody else? What are the legal and financial implications of a split? And so on.

Talliesin · 06-08-2005 1:51pm

I don't think there is one true model for relationships that suits everyone. Some people can do monogamy, some polyamoury, some "open" monogamy (that is, one regular partner, but not restricted solely to them), some can't do long term relationships, some can't really get anything from a relationship unless it's at least potentially long-term.

Some people can be happy in either a monogamous or a poly or an open relationship and can therefore adjust to what suits their partner, some can't.

Sometimes when you've just left a relationship of a particular type entering another of the same type isn't going to work for a while.

In any case, not being in a type of relationship that suits you is going to be disasterous. Not being honest about what type of relationship you're in is at best fraught (I can think of a few people who were in "open relationships", yet didn't bothered to inform their partner of those).

Now. The questions are:

Are you or your partner someone who isn't suited for monogamy?
Are you and your partner on the same page as this?
Are you just getting a bit "distracted" by other possibilities?
Is there a serious issue between the two of you that is making a different model or relationship seem attractive, yet which would still be there in any case?

Talliesin · 06-08-2005 1:54pm

simu wrote:

What are the legal and financial implications of a split?

I disagree. Ignore the legal and financial implications of a split, they're no reason to stay with someone, they just cause fears about splitting when it's what you should do.

Sure, you'll have to face them if you do split, but if they're a major reason for staying with someone you'll be unhappy and more than likely you'll end up splitting later when those implications will if anything probably be heavier.

disillusioned · 06-08-2005 1:56pm

In my opinion Love isn't enough and ultimately how do you define love when you've been in love for a long time?

I think to keep it together you also need honesty, good communication, trust, physical attraction, an ability to be dependent and also independent and probably tons more stuff.

It's a tough question to answer but like djmarkus my parents are together about 35 years and their's is one of the strongest relationships I've ever encountered. Most of their friends marriages have broken down but I think part of the success they've had is that they talk about everything and accept that there are more lows than highs in life.

I'd suggest you need to figure out what exactly it is you think you might be missing that would lead you to wonder if two people should be monogamous. Are you thinking about an affair?

disillusioned · 06-08-2005 1:58pm

Talliesin wrote:

but if they're (financial) a major reason for staying with someone you'll be unhappy and more than likely you'll end up splitting later when those implications will if anything probably be heavier.

I have to agree with Talliesin, money shouldn't enter into it.

Can you expand a bit though on what's going on?

simu · 06-08-2005 1:59pm

Talliesin wrote:

I disagree. Ignore the legal and financial implications of a split, they're no reason to stay with someone, they just cause fears about splitting when it's what you should do.

Depends on the person tbh - money is important for some.

Pataman · 06-08-2005 2:02pm

It is central to keeping a relationship going. When you hit hard times, at least you have love to fall back on.

dub_woman · 06-08-2005 2:03pm

I've no close friends who are married and most of them are single so I find it difficult to talk to them about it. I actually feel like himself is sick of me because we never do anything together anymore and he spends all his time on his own. He's always liked to spend time alone but lately it's all the time! I get very teary when I try to confront him partly I think because I'm not sure what I want to say exactly. I'm not interested in an affair but I'm starting to wonder if we are really all that compatible because we are differing on a lot of fundamental issues and our sex life seems to have stopped.

disillusioned · 06-08-2005 2:13pm

I must admit your problems sound familiar and common, I think you need to take a very deep breath and let your husband know you want to have a serious talk with him. Remember he may not realise you're in such turmoil and if you just launch into it he may well get offended so give him notice!

Single girlfriends are not going to be very insightful so best talk to another married person - if possible try to talk with someone who's been married a long time - they might have felt like you at some point.

I think though that every marriage has to have its ups and downs and it's always worth fighting for eventhough you may just want to run away right now.

As for the sex, I assume by the fact that you mentioned the lack of it that it bothers you so I'd suggest that when you talk to your husband ask him if he misses it too. Sex is only one facet of a relationship but it is an important part so don't ignore it.

Hope you're feeling a tad more optimistic now!

dub_woman · 06-08-2005 2:18pm

Cheers disllusioned, I appreciate your comments.

DawnMc · 06-08-2005 2:28pm

If you're asking that question, you have doubts and should have a serious look at your relationship

Pigman II · 06-08-2005 3:29pm

Are you asking 'in general' or just your particular case? Either way for both I would say no.

Nevyn · 06-08-2005 9:00pm

People change.
Ideally you would change and evolve together and so would your relationship
The key to that is not taking each other for granted and not getting into a rut.
Easier said then done.

Make time to spend together. Fun non stressful non routine romanitc stuff.
If he wont well then maybe talk about couselling to deal with ever the issues
are.
I do think you need a good healthy sex life to keep a relationship going/working,
you need those happy joy feelings those brain chemicals that are created.

It could be that you may need a break and get back together,
looking at each other differently.
These things happen,
usually they are not one persons fault but both parties are to blame.

I hope the outcome is what ever it best for you ,
be that you break up from a non functioning relationship,
or that you find away to make it function again.

Beruthiel · 08-08-2005 7:54am

having once been married myself, I understand what you are going through to some extent.
People constantly change, if you don’t change, at least partly in the same direction, what you may have had in common can disappear. Or, the change in the other person has become unacceptable or incompatible with you then it can start to become difficult to keep it together.
Love is not enough if both parties are not willing to do this, with familiarity can come apathy and indifference. You really have to sit your husband down for a good long chat. Ask him if he wishes the relationship to continue, because if he does, a big effort has to be made by both of you to breathe new life into the relationship
best of luck

Sleepy · 08-08-2005 11:31am

dub_woman wrote:

our sex life seems to have stopped.

One question: are you always leaving it up to your husband to initiate things? One partner always having to initiate the sexual side of the relationship will nearly always cause problems in that area...

sue30 · 08-08-2005 5:03pm

Im gonig through the same thing myself, though Im trying to convince myself its just a phase. Lately Ive been thinking about having an affair but I dont want to hurt my hubby. Try going away together on your own. away from everyday life and stresses. It might put the spark back between you.

Goodluck

po0k · 08-08-2005 5:04pm

In answer to original question: No.

Swans mate for life because they're lower species.

po0k · 08-08-2005 5:08pm

simu wrote:

Depends on the person tbh - money is important for some.

This is true.

[cheap dig]Particularly for women.[/cheap dig]

dub_woman · 08-08-2005 7:10pm

It's nice to know there are other people out there who've felt the same. Thanks to everyone whose commented. Feeling stronger after the posts I spoke to him yesterday and we cleared the air a lot but have agreed we may need outside help. It's a relief to know he's willing to try. Whether we'll stay together forever who knows but at least now I feel there's still something there worth fighting for. Cheers.

Talliesin · 08-08-2005 9:08pm

SyxPak wrote:

Swans mate for life because they're lower species.

Actually, it's been recently discovered that a lot of bird species previously believed to be monogamous are actually open-monogamous. The pair off for life, but they have sex outside of that pairing. The eggs and chicks a male bird helps look after will include some he is not the father of.

Are we meant to stay with one person?

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