Need advice how to make arrangements for a separation
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28-11-2023 11:33am#1
I am want to split with my partner, need advice on best way to do it.
I am the sole-earner. My partner of 15 years (not married) is a stay-at-home mum. We have one 10 year old together. We own a house together- both our names are on the morgage and deeds. If it matters, it was 100% my savings went into the house deposit.
We have been saving for a house renovation. Most of this money is in my own name.
Since my partner is looking after child and I work, it makes sense to me that she continues to live in our house and this provides stability for our child. I think I can just about afford to move somewhere locally into rented accomodation.
My ideal scenarios:
- I get to look after my child half of the time.
- I get to keep my own money that I have accrued in my own name. Happy to split the money we have in a joint savings account even though I contributed all of it.
- I continue to pay the monthly amount I am currently contributing to the joint current account (our mortgage, food and bills all come from this).
- She doesn’t have a pension. I think it is fair that she takes a portion of the pension I have accrued through work based on our time together.
The problem is, my partner has a history of aggression (the main reason I wish to leave) and is likely to turn very nasty when I try to leave. There is almost guaranteed not to be an amicable separation and frankly I’m worried how it will play out. In the past when I’ve threatened to leave, she’s told me she won’t allow access to child for example. There is a strong chance I will have to fight legally for anything.
I badly want to leave the family home as the tense atmosphere and her aggression (usually just verbal) is unbearable at times. I’ve recently started getting health issues, and I think they may well be stress related. However, people here often advise not to leave until arrangements are made. Does that advice still stand if we are not married? Staying around for days or weeks to make arrangements after I’ve told her I’m leaving will likely be hell on earth.
So how do I go about this? If my ideal scenarios/outcomes listed above are reasonable how do I go about trying to secure them? Thanks in advance.
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Comments
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No responses yet, perhaps I'm asking too many questions. My main question is this: I see a lot of people advise: "Don't leave the house until you have an agreement". Is that because in the future a judge may look unfavourably on the person who left? Does that really make a difference? Thanks.
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Do not leave the family home. It's not in your interest. Play it forward, you leave and can pay €2000 per month rent. When you finally get to court, your ex is in a much stronger position to claim primary parenting and dictate your equal parenting access to your own child - and you shouldn't be accepting anything less than equal parenting rights. A judge is very likely to rule "Let's leave things as they are with your ex controlling the family home until your youngest is 23 (assuming she goes to 3rd level) as you have now shown you can pay for rent". Your ex will milk you for maintenance on top of that, and you will lose so much time with your child. Oh, and your child has a right to spend equal time with their father.
This nonsense that a court will give you access is not a victory. How about giving your ex mere "access"? You should be looking for 50% access or more. Not breadcrumbs as if the mother has a superior right to parenting. It is not the gift of your child's mother to decide your access to your own child. There is nothing in Irish law which says it it. If you accept her entitlement, you have nobody to blame for your own downfall but yourself. Hold the line. Defend your right to spend equal parenting time with your own child. She doesn't have a superior right to parent so you need to really know this and fight the entitlement all the way. You will come up against a mountain of female entitlement and faux victimhood. Ignore it and soldier on for a court date. Watch for the false allegations, and be aware that as a man you are more likely to be abused via threats in the process and that she will try to control the home and your relationship with your child. Stay calm. Ignore her. Lawyer up. Leave the house and she has no incentive to rush. Stay there and continue parenting your child.
I would look for the Section 47 report now, without delay, just to preempt her false allegations against you. The latter will control you during the divorce process so get the S47 assessor out to investigate her lies as soon as possible, otherwise you will be "guilty until proven innocent" in the process. Also, get in touch with Men's Aid without delay.
Post edited by thatshowthelightgetsin on0 -
Thanks so much for that response. It's very helpful. I understand better now the consequences of leaving. I need to have a think about those now versus what I expect will be the difficulties in staying once the relationship has ended. At the very least, I think I need to be in a better place mentally and physically to have the energy to deal with those difficulties (I don't feel able for it at the moment).
You mentioned the Section 47 report. I'd never heard of that but it looks like it's enacted only when there is a concern for the child- which isn't currently the case. I can understand how it might be good to get an independent assessment, but not sure if I could justify it?
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I'd suggest that, as an initial fact-finding mission, you get in touch with people in any of the support groups, as there will be many people in those groups who could help. Bring something to take notes. There will be WhatsApp groups and in the dark days of winter you can ask in them for advice on particular issues so you won't have to feel isolated.
You will find people going through something similar in the peer support meetings in Men's Aid (https://www.mensaid.ie/contact-us/), in Talk2Us (https://www.talk2us.ie/) (meets in Phibsboro next Monday at 7pm), in Saol Nua (https://www.meetup.com/saol-nua-dublin-support-group-for-separated-divorced-people/) (meets in Stillorgan this Sunday at 10:30am, Rathcoole, etc).
Contact all of the above websites now, attend their meetings. You will see you're not alone and you will get a whole load of advice and experience about rights, Section 47 reports, legal delays and costs, good family law solicitors, etc.
As for the Section 47, it might look like it's enacted only when there's a concern for the child but, in reality, it is greatly misused to the extent that a mere allegation of "concern" is sufficient to delay the divorce process and often remove the accused - almost always the father - from the family home. By the time the Section 47 assessor arrives to investigate, many months of the father being removed from the home on the strength of a false allegation would have elapsed and the mother would have created a "new reality" in the family home which judges often just rubber stamp even when they know that the mother lied to remove the father from the children's lives. This happens every day of the week in family law courts, and judgments like this are common: https://www.irishexaminer.com/news/arid-41225728.html
If you think your ex is minded to level false allegations against you - the "silver bullet" as it's termed in family law circles - you should be acting pre-emptively and having an independent person to be able to say to a court straight away that they are lies. Otherwise, your ex has the power to do enormous destruction to your life and your relationship with your children because if she makes a completely unfounded allegation, the judge will err on the side of caution and treat you as "guilty until proven innocent" - more specifically, the judge will say "Let the Section 47 assessor investigate that but in the meantime you have your protection, etc orders against the father". No evidence is required, as shocking as that fact would be to most Irish people - and no punishment will be given to your ex if she does it (indeed, her name will never be publicised due to the in-camera rule/secrecy governing family law cases). The downside of getting the Section 47 too soon before your divorce court date is financial: your ex could request a second one nearer that court date a couple of years later so that will be €5,000 or so more (€2,500 each) for another Section 47 report. Yes, plenty of "professionals" are making a fortune on all the suffering the delays in the family law courts produce.
In the meantime, for your own good, try and connect with other people in the groups above who are going through this dystopian Irish family law system.
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Thanks again @thatshowthelightgetsin, very useful information. I will connect with the support groups.
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