I have no friends...

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

I'm a 23 year old who has never had close friends, I have never been to a birthday party, never had a sleepover and don't have a single memory that I share with anyone else.

Throughout my life my parents have always kept me as far away from the outside world as possible...this began after they found out i was being sexually abused by a neighbour.
From then on the only place I was allowed to go to was school I wasn't even allowed to go on field trips. Even in secondary school I couldn't really form bonds with anyone else, the people in my class really liked me they thought I was funny and I was even elected head girl and became someone that all the students would come to talk to if they had any issues even personal ones. As a result, I got invited to a lot of events but always turned it down and in the end people just stopped making an effort.

By the time I went to college I thought this was my chance to turn this around but instead I got severely depressed. My parents would punish me if my grades were below 95% so because I was always so anxious of not getting above that I became extremely nervous of failure. Thus, in college, I found myself always in the books...even thinking about not getting high grades would make me anxious. Unfortunately everything became too much and I finally broke down and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, after this, my parents started to reject me which made things even worse. I somehow managed to graduate with excellent grades, but still a failure in every other way. I tried to commit suicide and spent a while in hospital where the Doctor convinced me that I NEED to stop isolating myself so much.

The problem is I don't know how to make friends! I moved to Dublin a few months ago and thought I would make friends at work, but everyone is much older than me so that hasn't happened...

I was just wondering if anyone has any advice for me because I'm really lost, I really want to try but I don't know where to begin... If anyone can give me some ideas I would be super grateful.

Thank you so much in advance!

lazybones32

I don't know the craic in Dublin but there must be plenty of opportunities to make new acquaintances and casual friends (friendships develop and can't be forced).
Take your pick of activities but make sure you enjoy them...don't go solely to make friends.
It will take time but you have to go to where people are. Even if you walk dogs for a shelter on Sat. morning, you will get to meet and have a chat with people. Dubs are okay and are friendly enough...

Church on Tuesday

The first thing to remember is that you're not a failure.

If you managed to graduate with excellent grades, trust me, that is a huge achievement.

It can be tricky making new friends, but that will come in time.

Do what you love and the rest will follow.

December2012

ir Sounds like you did have friends - people liked you in school and thought you were nice.

Maybe what you need to brush up on is your own skills. So you’re going to have to put yourself out there and join things. Any interests? If you’re looking for friendships I would pick a sports team over a gym. Don’t look at evening classes as ways to meet people, but do look at meetup.com. What interests you?

HelgaWard

Try to stop being so hard on yourself. I agree sports groups are great ways to meet people, fit for life groups, running club, walking club anything like that is good. Or you could try a choir, drama group or musical theater group. I've never used meetup.com but it always recommended on here as being good for lots and lots of people, like yourself, who move to a new area who want to meet people.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone OP here,

thank you so much for your advice I greatly appreciate it!
I'm not sure if I can afford joining a Sports Club as like many people in Dublin I spend a ridiculous amount on transport and rent however I will have a look and see if there's anything at all I can join as I do love sport.

I will also try out meetup.com I had never heard of it until now and I'm thinking of volunteering as well...hopefully that will be a good way to meet people, if not at least I'm doing something for the community

HelgaWard

Running clubs tend to me cheap, mine if only €25 for the year!!! Mind you this is not in Dublin. Definitely worth a look though. I moved to a new town, didn't know anyone. I did a few different things, yoga, zumba but it was only when I joined the running club that I made friends. I really liked the fact that I made friends of all different ages, younger, much older etc. You'll find every level and ability also, don't let that put you off, you'll be slower than plenty of them but faster than plenty too!!

LegacyUser

Hey love,

Don’t feel isolated - join a gym , a club or society! You will meet some cool people! I am into running and do that all the time in Dublin - if u ever feel like doing that!

Take care and mind yourself! X

super_unsure wrote: »

Hey everyone,

I'm a 23 year old who has never had close friends, I have never been to a birthday party, never had a sleepover and don't have a single memory that I share with anyone else.

Throughout my life my parents have always kept me as far away from the outside world as possible...this began after they found out i was being sexually abused by a neighbour.
From then on the only place I was allowed to go to was school I wasn't even allowed to go on field trips. Even in secondary school I couldn't really form bonds with anyone else, the people in my class really liked me they thought I was funny and I was even elected head girl and became someone that all the students would come to talk to if they had any issues even personal ones. As a result, I got invited to a lot of events but always turned it down and in the end people just stopped making an effort.

By the time I went to college I thought this was my chance to turn this around but instead I got severely depressed. My parents would punish me if my grades were below 95% so because I was always so anxious of not getting above that I became extremely nervous of failure. Thus, in college, I found myself always in the books...even thinking about not getting high grades would make me anxious. Unfortunately everything became too much and I finally broke down and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, after this, my parents started to reject me which made things even worse. I somehow managed to graduate with excellent grades, but still a failure in every other way. I tried to commit suicide and spent a while in hospital where the Doctor convinced me that I NEED to stop isolating myself so much.

The problem is I don't know how to make friends! I moved to Dublin a few months ago and thought I would make friends at work, but everyone is much older than me so that hasn't happened...

I was just wondering if anyone has any advice for me because I'm really lost, I really want to try but I don't know where to begin... If anyone can give me some ideas I would be super grateful.

Thank you so much in advance!

21Savage

Ah don't feel lonely. At 21 I was the ultimate loner, I didn't leave my room for 3 years. I was the ultimate outdoor kid from 12-16 but I got too attached to certain friends and when they left I was left alone. 7 years later I'm way more social than ever. TBH I can still be quiet but I went from being perceived as a weirdo to being normal(by society standards) I still feel new to the whole social thing even though I have spent more years social than not. I will say I was fortunate and fell on a few lucky circumstances that enabled me join a ready made group who had an extended group of friends. I remember writing on Boards actually back in 2009 about this. I was so so sad. I just wanted to experience nights out, holidays, house parties, girls. I've had a ****ing fantastic 2nd part of this decade truth be told.

I'm trying to think what's best for you. College was probably your best bet but all is not lost. Maybe get into gymnastics or something. TBH doing night course isn't going to get you friends more than likely but it will fill the gaps. Maybe get a job in a bar?

Chancer3001

Some advice

People WANT to be friends way more than you think so make the suggestions to do stuff to them without thinking it'll be weird.

For example, say you get chatting to people at the gym etc.... Don't be afraid to suggest doing stuff. Seeing something or other.

One friend usually equals loads more

LegacyUser

Can i suggest joining a social group near you on meetup.com
We have a few of these in my area and have met people from all walks of life, it doesnt matter why your attending its about merely making the effort to socialise and mingle and that is greatly aporeciated in any social group. Give it a try, ive met some really cool friends from it

mike2084

Definitely recommend the sports clubs especially in Dublin, I moved for work four years ago and I'm involved in Martial Arts and Tag rugby in the summer and I like to go to Horse Racing and rugby matches. Definitely I have found with the Martial Arts instructors I've known they will never turn away a student who wants to learn as a result of money. The tag rugby you have to pay upfront as it's a big limited company but I think it's €70 for a 10 week league in the summer and you can just join as an individual and they will put you on a social team. Check out meetups too that's a good idea as well.

Best of luck

LolaJJ

Will second what others have said about taking up some kind of hobby, I'm 36 and have great lifelong friends but they, unlike me, have kiddies now so aren't around as much. Joined a gym-club to fill my time (as I live alone) 3 years ago and It's created an accidental entirely new social life for me and some really great friends.

Also, as much as your parents definitely have a role to play in restrictions that were placed on you during your formative years - now that you can step back and see how all of this happened it will help you to stop blaming them - as blame is sometimes a subconscious excuse that we use to stay in our comfort zone, even if that comfort zone isn't serving us very well.

You're a grown-up independent person now so whatever happens next is up to you!!! Don't be afraid to make the first move asking new people to grab a coffee or catch a movie either - I think a lot of people are nervous doing that and it stops so many potential friendships from developing. I love when I make a new friend because one of us said -Let's do something!

Best of luck!!!

Samuel T. Cogley

What did you graduate in? (There is a point to this question)

odyssey06

Friends are over rated... what I mean is that you seem to be thinking friends first... fun interesting things later.

Throw yourself into the things that interest you... sports, clubs, groups, charity work, singles walking holiday. And then allow yourself to be open to possible friendships in these activities.

GreeBo

odyssey06 wrote: »

Friends are over rated... what I mean is that you seem to be thinking friends first... fun interesting things later.

Throw yourself into the things that interest you... sports, clubs, groups, charity work, singles walking holiday. And then allow yourself to be open to possible friendships in these activities.

+1
Its much easier to make friends with people that you have things in common with.
its way less forced and just easier to keep going.

Do you have any interests that you could look for a club or group to join?

odyssey06

Oops looks like the OP has left boards.