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Another signle thread
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05-10-2016 1:07pm#1
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Hi op,
Well, the lack of response here says so much, doesn't it? It is so difficult to know what to say to a person in your situation. You sound like a perfectly normal, fair minded and well adjusted woman who should have no trouble attracting romantic love into your life. But you do, and that can feel puzzling.
Finding a partner is a lot about opportunity. What kind of social circle do you have? Do you go out and about regularly, maybe have hobbies and activities that put you in the way of meeting new people all the time? Have you tried online dating?
So following on from that, I do hear you when you say you have become wary of men, because really there are so many flakes and head melters around nowadays (both men and women, but naturally enough you only have experience of one gender).
I truly sympathise with your worry about the future, and it's a tough place to be, however worry is not a good state of mind to be in should an opportunity for a relationship present itself. So really, try and relax and not worry that you'll end up alone - it's only counterproductive and to your detriment in every way. And how you go about relaxing about these things is by absorbing the worries, so to speak. Accepting that yes, that might actually happen, you might end up being a solo-flyer in life, and then making the most out of it : enjoying your freedom and the time you have to please yourself and learn about yourself. Maybe even the freedom and time you have to give to others, any social causes etc. Hobbies, interests, passions.
All of the above should help you thrive and live fully, in touch with yourself as s human being , in touch with your inner life and emotions. And whoever thrives in themselves , lives fully in the moment and is engaged with the world around them, is attractive, I feel. Love attracts love, happiness engenders more happiness.
Stop worrying, don't feel guilty for being cautious, but do put yourself out there in the world , and rely on your wisdom and experience to guide you from now on. Find a balance between caution and hope, enjoy life, make lots of friends.
You have to find a life that is worth your while living for yourself alone, then meeting a partner will be an added bonus to it, as it should be. And not meeting him, if that's the way the cookie crumbles, will not mean the end of the world, in the least. You won't always worry about it, believe me. Different life stages bring with them different challenges, worries, and joys.
Best of luck!
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I am single now 3 years and in my mid 30's. I am the opposite, I love being single, I am just more content single. All in my 20's I felt it was the end of the world if I wasn't in a relationship. It's not. Just enjoy going out and meet up with friends for dinner. If you meet someone its an added bonus like the poster said above. That's the way I look at it. I have friends in relationships and they shouldn't be as they don't get on, I have friends who are mad to get in a relationship due to thinking they will be on their own forever if they don't, I also have friends who are in rships who feel alone in their rship and friends in relationships and you would think aww cute. I have more friends though who are single. So single is in lol
No harm in feeling cautious either, I would be also if dating. But all men aren't the same so give them a chance. Your instincts will be a good indicator (well I believe so)
Great things come to those who wait
Good luck 0 -
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Hey OP, I can empathise entirely with your situation, which I - and I'm sure many others - am all too familiar with: a diminishing social circle, as friends get partnered up / married / become parents; a string of dates or relationships that ultimately go nowhere; a desire to meet that special someone to laugh with, to live with, to grow old with, to love, to support, and to lean on; and the gnawing questions that you start to ask yourself: Why am I still single? Why haven't I met "that" person? Why am I the one out of my friends that hasn't found their person? Will I ever? What will I do if I don't?
And no - nobody wants to be that friend who often needs to talk about how they feel about their single status when it's getting them down. Who would want to be known as "that" person, eh?! :rolleyes: But of course, we all need to talk from time to time, and if Boards is the best we can do sometimes.... well it's good to have that.
So yeah, I hear you; I get where you're coming from. And from what you've described, you appear to be doing lots of right things - you're socialising, staying busy, enjoying your hobbies etc.
But I'm hearing other stuff, too. You've mentioned being messed around, and that that has made you cautious and apprehensive where dating is concerned. Is it possible that that apprehension is making you hold back a little, and that consequently, guys hold back too (flaky and non-committal)? Does that apprehension cause a little wall to go up? Maybe it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy? You meet someone that you like, but hold back (I of course have no idea how your caution plays out in real life, nor do I know how your relationships have ended); guy senses you're holding back (or not - apparently we're not all very intuitive - maybe he just "doesn't feel it" because you're remaining emotionally distant); the whole shebang fizzles out, and you're back to square one - apprehensive about the next guy, you meet him, you're cautious, etc. etc.
Like I said, I've no idea who your relationships end, but I wonder if you have a talk as they're ending, to find out (if you can) why they're ending? I don't expect you to answer that here, of course, but it might be something worth considering - you are here, after all, looking for answers.
Beyond empathising with you, really the only other thing I can do is promise you most sincerely that not all guys are messers and flakey - there are genuine guys out there in the same boat as you, who would love to meet that someone special, for the love and laughter and affection and intimacy - both emotional and physical - that the right relationship with the right person can bring; someone to plan a future with, someone to "do" with, and someone to do nothing with.
I know it can be hard to stay positive, but hey - you never know what's around the corner 0 -
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Username here wrote: »But I'm hearing other stuff, too. You've mentioned being messed around, and that that has made you cautious and apprehensive where dating is concerned. Is it possible that that apprehension is making you hold back a little, and that consequently, guys hold back too (flaky and non-committal)? Does that apprehension cause a little wall to go up? Maybe it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy? You meet someone that you like, but hold back (I of course have no idea how your caution plays out in real life, nor do I know how your relationships have ended); guy senses you're holding back (or not - apparently we're not all very intuitive - maybe he just "doesn't feel it" because you're remaining emotionally distant); the whole shebang fizzles out, and you're back to square one - apprehensive about the next guy, you meet him, you're cautious, etc. etc.
Like I said, I've no idea who your relationships end, but I wonder if you have a talk as they're ending, to find out (if you can) why they're ending? I don't expect you to answer that here, of course, but it might be something worth considering - you are here, after all, looking for answers.
Beyond empathising with you, really the only other thing I can do is promise you most sincerely that not all guys are messers and flakey - there are genuine guys out there in the same boat as you, who would love to meet that someone special, for the love and laughter and affection and intimacy - both emotional and physical - that the right relationship with the right person can bring; someone to plan a future with, someone to "do" with, and someone to do nothing with.
I know it can be hard to stay positive, but hey - you never know what's around the corner
Thanks for posting, It really resonated with me.
I know I do have a wall up at times and it is something I'm working on, it can take me a while to warm to someone and I know that may make me come across as me being cold or disinterested but when I have met someone I've liked, I do my best to let them know I'm interested in them. I'm not an overly familiar type, it takes a little bit of time for me to comfortable around new people regardless of gender but I am very friendly and personable.
I've been aware for some time that I do hold back but funnily enough I never really considered that my holding back may be making these men hold back too because they don't know how to read me. I guess part of me is trying to protect myself from being vulnerable and that's possibly to my detriment.
Also just to be clear, I don't for one minute think all men are flaky or emotionally unavailable etc, I know there are some really good men out there and Im hoping Im lucky enough to meet that kind of man.
Sometimes it's difficult to articulate my thoughts but I've questioned things like whether I'm interesting enough, funny enough, smart enough etc in trying to understand why I'm having no luck. I've begun to doubt my attractiveness, not in terms of looks but in terms of other qualities. Getting dates isn't the issue for me it's having them progress further than a few weeks/few short months with the ones I've liked.
Anyway thanks again, some food for thought there.0 -
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blacklilly wrote: »I know I do have a wall up at times and it is something I'm working on.
Recognising this yourself is an excellent start. It takes honesty and courage and maturity to recognise something like this and to act to address it, so fair play.blacklilly wrote: »it can take me a while to warm to someone and I know that may make me come across as me being cold or disinterested but when I have met someone I've liked, I do my best to let them know I'm interested in them. I'm not an overly familiar type, it takes a little bit of time for me to comfortable around new people regardless of gender but I am very friendly and personable.
I've been aware for some time that I do hold back but funnily enough I never really considered that my holding back may be making these men hold back too because they don't know how to read me. I guess part of me is trying to protect myself from being vulnerable and that's possibly to my detriment.
I think you've hit the nail on the head here, blacklilly. Our pasts can shape us, and perhaps should shape us, but we need to learn to deal with negative past experiences, rather than let them shape us and impact our present and future. I've had my heart literally ripped apart in the past, to the extent that I wouldn't even consider dating, let alone a relationship, for 3 years. When I started dating again, I was extremely guarded - I wasn't ever going to let anyone treat me "like that" again. And of course, had I continued in that vein, I'd have missed out on some great relationships that I've had since then. I had to learn to learn from that chapter of my life, then close it, so that I could move on, rather than let it influence me indefinitely.
It sounds a little like that, while we have entirely different circumstances, the effect/outcome is similar - someone at some stage couldn't or didn't commit to you, so you held back a bit the next time you were interested in a guy, but because of that, he also didn't commit, and so on.
The good news is, YOU are the one who can change thisblacklilly wrote: »..... I've questioned things like whether I'm interesting enough, funny enough, smart enough etc in trying to understand why I'm having no luck. I've begun to doubt my attractiveness, not in terms of looks but in terms of other qualities. Getting dates isn't the issue for me it's having them progress further than a few weeks/few short months with the ones I've liked.
Ah, come on now. If you met the man of your dreams this weekend, and went on to have a fulfilling life-long relationship with him, would you still think this? You are EXACTLY interesting enough and funny enough and smart enough for the right person for you. If you want to change things about yourself, do it FOR YOU, and not because a man might think more of you if you were "more interesting" etc. One person's "interesting" is another person's "bore"! So just be yourself, because that's who someone is going to fall in love with. As a wonderful woman once said to me: nobody is perfect, but everyone is perfect for somebody.blacklilly wrote: »Anyway thanks again, some food for thought there.
You're very welcome.0 -
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