My wife hates me me so much it brought her to tears tonight.

LegacyUser

Apologies in advance for any typos, my keyboard is quite blurred and damp from tears.
Almost four years married this month, we've a beautiful gentle angel of a daughter - almost six.

We agreed back in September that we should call it a day, after a few sessions with a counsellor it became clear that there really wasn't any love or friendship holding us together, nothing apart from our daughter and fear of pulling the whole family asunder. We have lived separately under the one roof for the last four years - under tremendous financial pressure... working together in a new business startup. We agreed to go for mediation and it all seemed like it would be possible to keep things amicable... then she cancelled the mediation without talking to me. Money has become the central focus since then, I've completely wiped myself out physically, mentally and financially - getting into debt - to support my wife in her wish to work 10 hr weeks. Things have been tough, but I was doing what I thought was my duty in supporting her, especially when she had a health scare.... for richer for poorer etc.

Now the tables have turned, I haven't been able to take a wage from the business since August (plenty of work coming in, credit control a disaster since my wife left), I am apparently a sponger as she is working fulltime and paying the bills. The wedding vows to support each other are null and void when it's her turn to take the burden.

So, I'm a loser. I've to be out of the house by the weekend. Tonight she became so upset that she was bawling crying whilst screaming abuse. I'm seriously concerned about her, and how she'll cope with our daughter single-handedly (She has said I can see her for four hours each weekend). But she doesn't want to talk, all she wants from me is to leave. This is tearing me apart, myself and my daughter have a great relationship... we play and dance and laugh at each others farts. The idea of having to rent her company (that's effectively whats on the table) for a few hours a week is killing me. But I want to help my wife and leaving seems to be the only way to do that, despite the impact that it'll have on our daughter.

Sorry for the miserable post, I just don't see any light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
Broken & confused.

Lisacatlover

Why on Earth would you just pack your bags and leave your house (that you were presumably paying for solely while she was working ten hour weeks and while she was sick) this weekend, just because she told you to?

That would be the stupidest thing in the world to do.

It's your house too, and it's your daughter too.

Tell her no that's not going to happen. Then find a good lawyer. Stand up for yourself for Christ sake.

dissed doc

She sounds like a bully. Unfortunately she sounds also like she is a bully who doesn't like you.

I would recommend you advise her to get help. Screaming abuse because you are temporarily out of work, what a childish thing to do. By forcing you out she is also going to cause your daughter problems.

Has she found some other man in the background that you do not know about?

LegacyUser

Do not leave the house. Tell her she can leave. Seek legal advice. The crying and screaming at you is a way of manipulating you to leave. Do not leave.

LegacyUser

Soon2bHomelessDad wrote: »

We have lived separately under the one roof for the last four years .

You've live separately under the same room for longer than you've been married?

Soon2bHomelessDad wrote: »

working together in a new business startup.... her wish to work 10 hr weeks.....she is working fulltime and paying the bills.

Who owns the business and if she wanted to work 10 hours a week, how did that turn into her working fulltime? Why would she not continue working in the business if there's plenty of work and things were better when she was doing credit control?

Soon2bHomelessDad wrote: »

I want to help my wife and leaving seems to be the only way to do that,

In what way would leaving help your wife?

I have to be honest, your post doesn't make much sense. Perhaps you've just omitted some key points of the story which would show it all to be a more coherent sequence of events, but at the moment it reads more like you've lost a grip of things and perhaps your wife is reacting to that out of frustration.

Milly33

Oh no!! Crap is the word that comes to mind..

Do you have somewhere to go at the weekend or are you left to fend for yourself. It doesn't sound very fair and if I was you I would stand my ground until ye sort something out..

As mentioned you said ye both worked with the business so it should be shared and any savings etc.. You need to think properly about this.... You need to take care of yourself so you can be there for your child just as much as she does. And if you have concerns that she isn't in the best of places now, it would be more of a reason to stay on or for you too look after you daughter...

Go talk to someone who can advise you properly...

zoobizoo

Soon2bHomelessDad wrote: »

(She has said I can see her for four hours each weekend).

Talk to your solicitor about that... it's not up to her to decide. It's up to you, her and the judge

Ursus Horribilis

OP get yourself a solicitor and legal advice asap. I've seen this happen with friends and a close family member. When events start to go in the direction you're indicating here, being "nice" gets you nowhere. In fact it could cost you dearly. You might be about to learn the hard way about the depths to which some people can sink and the lies they can tell. Protect yourself. Get a solicitor.

Penny Tration

OP, don't move out.

Start taking detailed notes of any bad behavior from your wife - this is to protect yourself.

Go to a family law specialist solicitor TODAY.

Do nothing without legal advice.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, sorry for the rambling post last night.

To clear up some questions:
I'm not in a position to get a solicitor, am personally broke at the moment.
Also I've been trying my best to avoid this turning adversarial, for my daughters sake.

My wife refused to work more than two hours a day since we started, I was ok with this because I wanted one of us to be around our daughter as much as possible, but she could easily have done 4 hours a day. She's working full-time elsewhere as she said she couldn't work with me anymore seeing as we were about to separate. My head was a mess over the separation, so I couldn't get my organised with a new admin = poor credit control, very busy time of year, all admin fell behind = my head a bigger mess.

Getting married was a mistake as things weren't a bed of roses in the months beforehand: I was made redundant (why I jumped at the chance of starting the business - no jobs at the time), she had been unemployed and looking after our baby at the time. in hindsight I can see that - her refusal to do a pre-marriage course should have rung alarm bells. I just hoped things would settle down and improve between us.

I own the business, she was an employee, wanted to insulate her from any risk... so if it failed there would be no risk to her house and she would be entitled to s.w.

How would leaving help, I was speaking in terms of her psychology and emotions rather than financially. Financially it's a disaster - I don't have money for rent let alone deposit at the moment. I've been spending all my time at work, literally an hour contact with her each day and by contact I just mean in the same room. Usually sitting in silence when she's not shouting.

I genuinely care about her future & want her to be ok [if for no other reason than the best interests of my daughter] but I've just no more to offer her and she hates that.

zoobizoo

Is it her house?

Shrap

Soon2bHomelessDad wrote: »

Getting married was a mistake as things weren't a bed of roses in the months beforehand

No, no it wasn't. Being a married father is a far more secure position than being an unmarried one in this country, in terms of getting a fair deal.

You can't afford a solicitor, so the first thing you do is drop into your local Citzens Information center and get a meeting. Ask them what your best route to getting a separation agreement is. They should be able to help you determine if you qualify for free legal aid, and also to recommend where to start. Believe me, you won't be the first or the last they see with this difficulty.

Do not move out until you have good advice on your rights to access. In fact, think carefully (since you are unemployed *edit: sorry, just seen you're not unemployed, but you are in enough financial difficulty that you probably qualify for free legal aid) whether it might be in your daughter's best interests for you to be her primary caregiver. Till you have advice, I would say that it's in everyone's best interests not to engage with the subject at home. Try to keep out of your wife's way and just get on with the business of trying to keep the show on the road. Walk away from arguments by saying you will not argue around your daughter.

LegacyUser

Soon2bHomelessDad wrote: »

My head was a mess over the separation, so I couldn't get my organised with a new admin = poor credit control, very busy time of year, all admin fell behind = my head a bigger mess.

I own the business, she was an employee,

If you could afford to employ your wife, why wouldn't you take on another employee to replace her, thereby improving the credit control and the associated financial problems?

PinkLemonade

Guessed wrote: »

If you could afford to employ your wife, why wouldn't you take on another employee to replace her, thereby improving the credit control and the associated financial problems?

This criticism is really not useful to the OP right now.

LegacyUser

PinkLemonade wrote: »

This criticism is really not useful to the OP right now.

If I was criticising, you might be right, but you're not since I was posing a question because it would appear to be a simple step to alleviate some of the OP's problems and it would help the OP and/or his thread if he could explain why he hasn't taken that step.

LegacyUser

Thanks all

"If you could afford to employ your wife, why wouldn't you take on another employee to replace her, thereby improving the credit control and the associated financial problems?"

Because that meant that her wage was coming into our household, paying someone else would have meant still having to find extra money to bring home to pay the bills.

The home situation is a bit complicated, we moved out of her house (that she owned before I met her) to be close to the business location, renting ever since. Had hoped it would be cost neutral (saving on commute) but it turned out it wasn't a great move financially - additional expenses and having to pay tax on the rental income etc...

So basically I'm broke, no real assets, no wage and personal debt.
I mugged myself!

tcif

OP, you say you "don't have money for rent let alone deposit at the moment" so if you move out where will you go? Apart from needing a home yourself I would be concerned that accommodation, or lack of it, might be a problem in terms of access or custody for your daughter. I don't know how judges handle these situations (I don't have any experience of it) so maybe there are others here who can advise you better but it might be worth considering before you pack your bags.

LegacyUser

Soon2bHomelessDad wrote: »

paying someone else would have meant still having to find extra money to bring home to pay the bills.

An employee earns you money. In your case, the credit control and other admin is not being done, paying someone for 6-10 hours a week could make a world of difference to all of your problems by alleviating some of your financial problems.

The reason I asked all those questions is because I had a feeling you aren't just someone having marriage difficulties, you're someone who has sleepwalked into them, along with business difficulties which are having a knock on effect on you marriage and family. To be frank, and I don't mean this unkindly and it's an observation that could be made about many people, but you don't appear to have the necessary skills to run a business if you have managed to generate lots work but neglected to turn it into income. There is a world of difference between being good at something and being good at getting paid properly for it. I think you really, really need to find some help with that, along with legal advice and marriage counselling. You need to start taking positive action while you still have a viable business, a home and a family. All three are in some jeopardy, but they're there and don't look to be beyond salvation unless you keep sleepwalking. I can't post links, but there are organisations for each of those needs and they not only needn't cost you much, but the business advice will pay for itself.
Whatever you do, do not move out until you have spoken with a solicitor. It's noble that you want to help your wife by doing so, but it would be madness at the moment.

LegacyUser

Thanks tcif, the money situation is very much a temporary issue: owed quite a bit, tried one or two part-time admins but credit control wasn't their strong point (perhaps it was a lack of motivation as there wasn't a full wage in it for them) People have raised valid questions, the reality is that I've been in a bit of a funk since this started... hard to do the things I know I need to do.

I'm looking at kipping at work temporarily, getting some sort of sofa bed this weekend.
A few months from now I'll be looking at a two bed somewhere nearby.
(and with any luck I might even move into one, rather than just look at it)

LegacyUser

Op I'm going to be blunt you need to take off the marter hat first and formost before you can move on in any meaningful way. It's admireable to a point that you still care about your wife and want her to be ok but making yourself suffer so as not to basicly inconvenience her is not smart. Yes you should both be thinking about your daughters welfare but your both people as well. You made some poor choices business wise, ok it sucks but can't travel back in time so it's time to deal with things in the here and now. If your married then you own part of her house as well, it's no longer just her house. You need to speak to a professional about the legal standing. You need to speak to your wife like an adult and come to a solution to seperate that doesn't leave one of you in the poor house and that allows you both access to your child.

Lisacatlover

Soon2bHomelessDad wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, sorry for the rambling post last night.

To clear up some questions:
I'm not in a position to get a solicitor, am personally broke at the moment.
Also I've been trying my best to avoid this turning adversarial, for my daughters sake.

My wife refused to work more than two hours a day since we started, I was ok with this because I wanted one of us to be around our daughter as much as possible, but she could easily have done 4 hours a day. She's working full-time elsewhere as she said she couldn't work with me anymore seeing as we were about to separate. My head was a mess over the separation, so I couldn't get my organised with a new admin = poor credit control, very busy time of year, all admin fell behind = my head a bigger mess.

Getting married was a mistake as things weren't a bed of roses in the months beforehand: I was made redundant (why I jumped at the chance of starting the business - no jobs at the time), she had been unemployed and looking after our baby at the time. in hindsight I can see that - her refusal to do a pre-marriage course should have rung alarm bells. I just hoped things would settle down and improve between us.

I own the business, she was an employee, wanted to insulate her from any risk... so if it failed there would be no risk to her house and she would be entitled to s.w.

How would leaving help, I was speaking in terms of her psychology and emotions rather than financially. Financially it's a disaster - I don't have money for rent let alone deposit at the moment. I've been spending all my time at work, literally an hour contact with her each day and by contact I just mean in the same room. Usually sitting in silence when she's not shouting.

I genuinely care about her future & want her to be ok [if for no other reason than the best interests of my daughter] but I've just no more to offer her and she hates that.

She doesn't seem overly concerned about your future or whether you are going to be OK. Trying to kick you out of your house on short notice when she knows you're not in a financial position to move. Dictating to you that you will see YOUR daughter only four hours a week from now on... Your loyalty and devotion is misplaced. If you roll over she's going to screw you. Protect yourself.

Wulfie

Soon2bHomelessDad wrote: »

Apologies in advance for any typos, my keyboard is quite blurred and damp from tears..
Broken & confused.

Cheer up dude.
Move out, it's not the end of the world. Get a job,draw a wage.
Forget your wife asap. Get used to living alone.

Get on daft.ie . Find a place to rent.

Keane2baMused

Wulfie wrote: »

Cheer up dude.
Move out, it's not the end of the world. Get a job,draw a wage.
Forget your wife asap. Get used to living alone.

Get on daft.ie . Find a place to rent.

Im sure if things were that simple there would be alot more marriages ending!!

OP don't leave your home. She has no concern over your health or wellbeing and you will do yourself no favours by leaving. You don't need a solicitor to go to court for access to your child. Remember you are already a legal guardian given you are married and remind her she cannot make any decisions regarding your daughters care without your input, and vica versa.

Mr. Incognito

Hi there,

I'm a solicitor but this is not legal advice.

1. Do not leave the house. Under any circumstances. Unless she gets a barring order there is no other way for her to forcibly have you removed.

2. Speak to a solicitor. Solicitors are experts in this and have assisted in many many marital break-ups. They are an objective voice. This is your first break up and you are not objective. Not all seperations are adversarial. Most will be understanding and will come to a payment arrangment. In some cases this takes years, but that's fine because they have other clients in the same situation.

3. Find a friend who you can talk to that is an objective sane voice. Bounce things off them. Make sure you are not going through this alone.

meeeeh

OP as it was said don't move out. However you should take some time on Saturday or Sunday and start making a list of people who owe you money. After that start calling everyone on Monday morning. If you are afraid to ask you won't get it. And keep calling overdue accounts if you don't get money in. I feel sorry for you and the situation you are in but if it wasn't for a wife you are separated from you would be homeless already. She doesn't owe you because she was working only 10 hours per week previously, you agreed to that. You can't use that as an excuse to put dealing with your business troubles on long finger.

I wish you all the best but you will have to start dealing with the situation you are in. You are not taking a wage out of your business for the last six months. Would you work for someone else for six months without getting paid?

Wulfie

Hey OP, how'd you get through the last week? Don't obsess on the four hours a week. Get yourself sorted and if you do move out. Make sure you move into your new dwelling. Make it clean and tidy from day one.

I never got my house tidy. I just wanted to move back to sleep under the same roof as my three sons. Coulda ,shoulda,woulda- didn't.

I will get the place tidy ASAP.

Sleepy

OP, if you're owed a lot of money and having difficulty collecting, you could always look into factoring some of the debt?

There are firms that specialise in debt collection, taking a percentage of each invoice in exchange for their services. You're struggling to run the business so see if there's anyone who can help you: local authorities, banks and educational institutions often have business incubation services that can help you develop those skills. There's even a forum here on boards that focuses on it.

racso1975

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Hi there,

I'm a solicitor but this is not legal advice.

1. Do not leave the house. Under any circumstances. Unless she gets a barring order there is no other way for her to forcibly have you removed.

2. Speak to a solicitor. Solicitors are experts in this and have assisted in many many marital break-ups. They are an objective voice. This is your first break up and you are not objective. Not all seperations are adversarial. Most will be understanding and will come to a payment arrangment. In some cases this takes years, but that's fine because they have other clients in the same situation.

3. Find a friend who you can talk to that is an objective sane voice. Bounce things off them. Make sure you are not going through this alone.

Can I ask the reasons why this is constantly said?

Shrap

racso1975 wrote: »

Can I ask the reasons why this is constantly said?

Well, for a start, it gives leverage to the notion that "he left me and abandoned the children". It also means that she, not he, automatically is the primary care-giver as the parent living with the kids most will be called that.

I was one of those who recommended him not moving out until he knew more about his rights and where they'd go from here, for the reasons I've just given - there's always a real danger in "messy" break-ups (which it appears this is, going by her "hating" behaviour) that one parent (usually the mother tbf) will try and punish the other parent with access to the kids, and any kind of traction that parent can get to try and play dirty, they will use it.