Bf lied about age

Entre nous

Ok guys, this is a bizarre one for me so please, go easy.
Basically my bf of 3 years messaged me from work today to say there's something he hasn't told me that he's embarrassed about, didn't know how to even bring it up bla bla.
Basically he lied about his age and, instead of being 2 years younger than me, he's actually 3 years younger.

We're both adults btw so it's not like his actual age is a problem. I'm late twenties, him mid.
Bit of background as to how this even came about I suppose.
Basically we met on holidays. He prob sensed I was a little bit older so pretended to be just a year younger than me. I said something along the lines of not really being into younger guys or something kinda silly like that.

Towards the end of the week he told me that actually he hadn't told the truth and was really a year younger than what he said (still a lie as he was younger again - sorry I'm confused myself at this stage).

I wasn't hugely bothered as we had only just met and I didn't even know if I'd see him again after the hol. Fast forward to him really pursuing me, coming down to visit me when we got back (we lived in different counties) and us basically becoming a couple.

Fast forward to now, 3 years in, talking about getting engaged and he comes out with this.
I don't even know what to think to be honest. We have/had a great relationship up to now and both very serious about each other. But there's no way I'm comfortable with someone having the ability to lie to me about something like this.

I've told him that I think he needs to talk to someone about this lying and that I'm only willing to support him and the relationship if he does this. He left a message with a therapist earlier.

But I dunno guys, can anyone even give advice to something like this??
He's a confident guy outwardly with a good job but I know he's a bit insecure deep down. But Jesus, so are a lot of people and they don't keep a basic detail like this about themselves secret for 3 years! Also despite him probably coming across as very immature in this, he's actually not at all. Very independent and ambitious. I just don't know

Ethel

What I think is you are overreacting big time. He told a white lie in order to have a chance to be with you, seeing as you pidgeon hole men younger than you. Despite this extra year, you've been going out with him three years and at the brink of engagement. Has that extra year really made that much of a difference? Why do you feel the need to push a guy into therapy for one white lie?
If that's the worst of his crimes, trust me you are doing alright.

lifeandtimes

Yikes that's a tough one

Way I see it is...do yu see yourself marrying him? If yes then age doesn't matter but your obvious issue is the 3 year lie...realistically he should have come clean a long time ago and as time went on it was harder to admit it too you

Seeing as your engage I think he wants to clear the air before you both commit to each other which in hindsight must have took a lot of guts as he knows you may break up with him over but wanted to he honest with you so you can make your decision

After reading my own post I would say forgive and forget...life's too short. ..if he makes you happy who gives a hoot what age he said he was,if he treats your right and makes you happy then he's alright on my book

Entre nous

No as I said we are mid twenties so the "age gap" is irrelevant to me.
I would think anybody who feels the need to lie about something basic and yet fundamental could do with working out why.
For his past 3 birthdays I would have been all "happy 24th birthday" or whatever, and he never felt the need to correct me??
I understand why he lied in the first place, not exactly unique there I would say. But to keep it going for 3 years...

Keane2baMused

OP

He shouldnt have lied about his age - pretty obvious. However he obviously tangled himself into it and as every human knows it can make it extremely difficult (for some more than others) to pull yourself back out.

It was sheer stupidity but if you are 3 years together and considering marriage then ask yourself if this is a deal breaker. If something like this is then end it now, your marriage will probably be tested by alot more in future than a white lie gone wrong.

Jotunheim

Two different girlfriends have done similar to me. I didn't care when I found out and I don't think you should either. It's obvious he lied to get a chance to be with you, the chance paid off and you have been happy enough together to last three years, after which he came clean. Call off the therapist, there's your reason and there's no need to overreact and spoil something good. he was even moving towards the truth by the end of your holiday.
Give out to him, make sure there's nothing else, then forget it and get on with being happy together.

retro:electro

Ya I can see where you're coming from, and as much as I would try to convince myself of how silly it is and not to be annoyed, I still think I would be. It sounds like he just got caught up in the lie and couldn't see his way out of it. You're right to be annoyed though, it may be a silly thing to lie about, but the fact he kept it going for 3 years is the biggest deciet here. It's also slightly embarrassing for you and for him, let's hope nobody remembers his supposed age so neither have to explain!

I hope it's something you can get past though, it would be a shame to throw away a good relationship because of it.

giggle84

Ok well I think you can understand why he lied at the start? It was a small lie cos he fancied you and was afraid you wouldn't fancy him and it was holidays. Then you pursued him and it got a bit more serious which is when he should have owned up, but he probably thought you might not bother with him then since you were in different counties etc. And then it snowballed..

OP I hate lies as much as anyone but I don't think this was a lie to intentionally deceive you out of badness, this was a white lie that snowballed and he's chickened out of telling you until now.

Give it a few days and think it over, I'm sure you'll make more sense of it over time. If your relationship is otherwise great then it's worth hanging onto.

Augme

What else has he lied about? What else will he be happy to lie about in future? These are both two big questions that I would be asking myself a lot. Someone who is capable of lying for basically 3 years is pretty disturbing. To think that the guy actually endured 3 birthdays were he pretended to be a different age is pretty weird behaviour imo. Did he never have a birthday with friends where you were there?


He must have gone to pretty good lengths to make sure he never let it slip subconsciously as well. I'm not saying you should end it but I would consider this a serious issue and not something I would just dismiss. I'd forgive 3 months, but 3 years takes it to a serious level of deceit.

bee06

OP, has he lied about stuff before that you think he needs therapy? If this is the only thing he's lied about I'd be more quick to forgive but if he has previous then there is a worrying pattern there.

Also I find it strange that he messaged you to tell you rather than telling you face to face.

Entre nous

Thanks for the reply's guys, you've helped me see things a bit more rationally!
We had a chat and he pretty much said what ye were saying about how it spiralled, etc.
Was saying how I've often seen his passport or driving license and how he never tried to hide them from me and was hoping I'd notice the dob and that could kinda lead into it...I only saw his passport recently again when we were going on hols n never copped it. Wow I feel a bit slow now!! Suppose when you're not exactly looking in particular...

retro:electro

Entre nous wrote: »

Thanks for the reply's guys, you've helped me see things a bit more rationally!
We had a chat and he pretty much said what ye were saying about how it spiralled, etc.
Was saying how I've often seen his passport or driving license and how he never tried to hide them from me and was hoping I'd notice the dob and that could kinda lead into it...I only saw his passport recently again when we were going on hols n never copped it. Wow I feel a bit slow now!! Suppose when you're not exactly looking in particular...

I get what he's trying to say but be careful he doesn't lay the blame at your feet and make you feel stupid for not noticing. It's not something that would run through someone's brain when in a trusting relationship or something trivial like looking at a passport, people always gravitate towards the photo anyway

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

orthsquel

Try and look at it another way OP... you have talked about getting engaged, he's no longer willing to carry on the charade about his age, is no longer willing to try the angle from the "hope she sees it from the passport/other thing" side and has come clean about it directly.

While I think he ought to have done it face to face, it still says a lot about him, because it did take some courage on his part to come out with it.

He might have assumed that you had figured it out, seen it on his passport, that you knew but that you had chosen to not say anything, nor to bring it up yourself.... but he didn't leave that assumption or possibility to be reality, especially in light of discussing getting engaged, and he has come clean about it instead, regardless of whether you knew, had figured it out, or that someone had corrected it, or that you still didn't know.

I think that does say something about him, he doesn't want the lie to continue without being corrected should you indeed do get engaged and married.

I have to agree with Fizzlesticks, a long talk, lay out the cards, and if you stay together then you draw a line underneath it and leave it in the past. Hopefully in the future, it will be something you can laugh about.

CaraMay

Has he lied about anything else? If not then counselling is a huge over reaction.

Magicmatilda

There are three things here as far as I can see, that would concern me:
1. He kept the lie going for 3 years, how did his family, friends never mention it at his birthday, any other time, did they know he had lied?
2. He messaged you to tell you, didn't have a face to face conversation.
3. He seems to be trying to shirk responibility by saying you should have spotted it on his passport, who starts calculating age from D.O.B on a partners passprt?!

Now I would be worried that he could lie for 3 years, there must have been occasions where he had to make an effort to lie. I also think it is a bit weak and shows a lack of courage that he didn't tell you face to face. and as for trying to say you should have known, well I would lose it with him at that point, he needs to take responsibility as this was incredibly immature behaviour and a lack of responsibility doesn't do anything for him in the maturity stakes. If it were me I would probably ask for some space to try and think about what I want. I don't think the counselling is a bad idea, even just a couple of sessions or maybe a couple of session together. marraige involves trust and that trust has been damaged.

To add a caveat to all of that, it is very hard to find someone who we trust, respect, laugh with, have fun with and love enough to want to spend a lifetime with them. So if you do feel all those things for him then I think you should try and work through this. But I would see it as something that does need to be "worked through" and not just some minor thing that you are over racting to.