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Feeling bad about myself

  • 08-12-2014 7:10pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026
    ✭✭✭✭


    Hi guys, going anonymous for this one. I don't really know what's up with me lately...My life is good in general, I'm in a college course that I really like and in general was enjoying my day-to-day life but lately I haven't been in a great place. I don't really know what's causing it, despite the fact that things are generally good on the surface I often feel like some things in my life are missing. That's not really the problem I guess, the problem is that over the course of the last while, I seem to be endlessly reliving the parts of my life that I would rather bury. I honestly feel in the same place as I did when I was in the middle of being a teenager, and thought I was well past the stage of low self-esteem and inadequacy but I don't know. I've done things in my life that I haven't been proud of, have angered too quickly and not been a good friend at times, have had not-very-nice thoughts about people. I've lost people in my life that I wouldn't have lost if I'd behaved differently...I've done some crap things that fill me with guilt, especially when drinking. I got with someone who I knew had a girlfriend, gotten angry at friends unfairly, been quite inconsiderate of other people's feelings, things like that...I know this sounds ridiculous but I honestly feel under a crippling weight sometimes, like as if every bad thing I've ever done is being dragged in front of my eyes and I have to relive it and view myself through overly harsh critical eyes. It just sucks because I want so badly to be a nice, kind, good-hearted person, it's who I strive to be, but I keep messing up... and I know, I know that feeling negative about things I've done in the past is a pointless endeavour and that if I want to change things about myself and be the person I want to be that I should learn from my mistakes and move on and keep trying to better myself. I know this, but knowing and doing are so different at the moment.

    I'm honestly surprised at myself. I'm twenty years old. These kind of feelings would be typical of fifteen-year-old me. I just can't seem to escape my demons and look past them, my exams are ongoing and I can't even study because I'm too busy drowning in the past. I just...I don't even know. I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve here. Getting it all out is helping me realise the ridiculousness of it all, it doesn't even seem worthy of being here, but other than that I guess I'm looking for advice, a pep talk or some sort of reprimand for being so stupid.


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,114 ivytwine
    ✭✭✭


    Hey OP, can you think of anything in your life which may be bringing these things up?

    One thing I will say and I hope it doesn't sound too patronising but this time in your life is one of massive upheaval too. I'm 25 now and I'm a very different person to what I was when I was 20. I felt v insecure alot of the time and I feel better in my skin now.

    I don't know if this is any help to you but I just want to let you know you're normal, I think alot of people in college struggle even if it's supposed to be the best time of your life.


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