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My dad passed away suddenly and our family is falling apart

  • 01-12-2014 12:14am
    Registered Users Posts: 10

    My dad died in April suddenly and Im finding it so difficult without him even though we werent close. Both of my parents were quite a bit older and while I often thought what it would be like if one/both were to pass away, nothing couldve prepared me for the loss. Life is really tough without him and our family is such a mess since. I've been living away from home since I was 18 (now 26) but I visit when I can. It depresses me however to go home and I dont feel as though I can help.My mam seems to have aged so much (She's 68 but looks a lot older) and she finds it hard to get around. She crashed her car and its the only method of transport she and my brother have between them.

    My brother lives at home and farms. We have land that is 5 miles away and my brother insists on going there everyday twice a day and my mam always goes with him as he has mild special needs and she panders to him. However now they have no car and virtually no source of income. My dad died in debt, my mam only has a widows pension and my brother has absolutely no clue how to handle money. Im so afraid for both of them and for myself, I dont know what will become of us..... My mam refuses to rent out or sell part of the land even though it is adding to our stress and costing us money rather than helping us survive. I respect her wishes but I dont want her to run herself into the ground like my dad. I believe stress killed him as he was a non smoker and non drinker and reasonably healthy and fit for his age but he had high blood pressure and he had a brain haemorrhage.

    I have another brother but he lives in Australia and will be staying there permanently. Im dreading Christmas its going to be so sad and lonely, I really feel the loss of my dad so intensely and I dont know what to do. I just want to be carefree like I was before,I didnt know how good things were then and I wish life could be like it was before..... I feel really on my own


  • Registered Users Posts: 257 ✭✭Diane Selwyn

    I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles OP. The first Christmas after the loss of your dad is bound to be very tough. I'm not sure what action to suggest that might help your mother - do you perhaps have aunts or uncles (ie siblings of your mother's) or even a very close friend of your mother's that you could express your concerns to? You mother might be more inclined to listen to them and might take their advice where she wouldn't necessarily register yours. You must be sure to take care of yourself as well however - you are clearly in a very stressful position and sometimes just having a chat to someone else about what is going on can help clarify things. You might benefit from talking to a bereavement counsellor or at the very least your GP. Do try and take care of yourself.

  • Registered Users Posts: 10 Likeafirework

    Thanks for your reply Diane, my mam doesnt have brothers or sisters unfortunately so our family circle is small. My dad has a surviving brother and sister but relations were very strained for a long time and although they are nice we are not close and they dont live nearby.

    Lots of people seem to try and offer Mam help and support and she accepts most of this but when it comes to the farm or changing things she is super stubborn! I dont want to force her to do anything but I just want her to enjoy her retirement and live out her days without stress or worry :/

    Im going to a counselor and its definitely helping so that is good.

  • Registered Users Posts: 22 Kennedy123

    I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I lost my dad last may, he was 65years very fit and eat healthy, was diagnosed with leukemia and passed lest that 3months later.
    I don't have a big family, I only have one sister and my mum. Christmas was hard but you do get through it together. I would be the type of person that doesn't like to show emotions so crying in public for me is very stressful. I was very close to my dad from a young age so I found it very hard to cope, it does get easier tho and there will come a time when you and your family will be able to talk about him. there isn't a whole lot you and your family can do for each other but just be there to help one another. take each day as it come.

    take care.

  • Registered Users Posts: 257 ✭✭Diane Selwyn

    Glad to hear you are doing the counselling op. I guess your mother is still trying to adjust to the loss of your dad too. I've often heard people say that it's better to avoid making any big financial decisions for the first 12 months after a bereavement if at all possible so maybe its better to lose a bit of money in the short term for the sake of everyones sanity - in the new year your mother might be more open to acting on your concerns. It's a tough time of year to get through and I would agree with the advice posted above - just take one day at a time.