Am I overthinking?

Tinchy

I'm in a relationship with a guy for approx 20 months now, we met a couple of weeks after he finished with his ex of 8 years.

To keep it simple I'm not going into the whole story. Basically wanted to get other peoples opinions on how much is too much for them to still be texting? I know how petty this sounds. she is still interested in him and to be honest I think he's only recently gotten over her.

She texts in the midle of the night sometimes if shes on a night out and sees a random friend of his and will tell him, there were some pretty bad msgs in his phonem miss you type msgs etc up until a year ago (we've been living together over a year) that I have seen and talked about and got over.

I would just like there to be little contact at this stage as I want us to move on but can't see it happening any time soon as they still talk a lot.
I've been very patient the last 2 years as I know break ups are hard.

Opinions Please!

Penny Tration

If she's calling and texting in the middle of the night, and has sent him 'i miss you' messages, then I don't think you're wrong to be bothered.

Does he reply to her messages? If he does, I'd be very annoyed and it would lead to me questioning whether or not he actually wanted me, rather than her.

Tinchy

He does reply, he used to send similar msgs (year ago) now he kind of ignores anything that might lead to something with her in the msg but still always replies.

It just upsets me so much when they text, even general things now as I feel after two years they should be drifting apart more?

Don't know if I'm being silly, he tells me I am.

Colser

Im with you on this one OP..I wouldnt be at all happy with all that txting.I think its an ego boost for him but very unfair on you. If you ask him to stop or reduce the texts he may just hide them from you.How would he feel if you were getting that ammount and type of texts from your ex I wonder?

Id actually ask him to stop replying to her as its a bit much after all this time to be honest.Christmas and birthdays might be allowed.:)

Tinchy

Thanks Colser. That's exactly what I say.. put the show on the other foot and all that but he doesnt get jealous like I do.

I've asked him before and that's exactly what he did until I found out. it's bad when you have to hide things really isnt it?

If it goes on for much longer I feel I'm going to have to tell him her or me!?

paradigm

Tinchy wrote: »

Thanks Colser. That's exactly what I say.. put the show on the other foot and all that but he doesnt get jealous like I do.

I've asked him before and that's exactly what he did until I found out. it's bad when you have to hide things really isnt it?

If it goes on for much longer I feel I'm going to have to tell him her or me!?

You should be saying that now why Wait months.....In that time you could be happy with this guy or over him and have Met Mr right. Life's to short

CaraMay

So you knew when you were moving in with him that he was texting an ex and saying he missed her? Does he know you know?

Tinchy

you're probably right paradigm.

If I tell him to stop contacting her though he'll hide it and I will think everything's rosy until I find something someday and have yet ANOTHER arguement about it.

It's literally the only thing we fight about.

So frustrating!!

Tinchy

the moving in thing wasnt official it just kind of happened, no I didnt really realise, I would see a message from weeks/months ago and go mad and get over it because it was in the past but we were together when these msgs were sent so I know it's just as bad.

And yeah he knows I've seen most things...

I'm being too soft aren't I?

Colser

You have been very patient in my opinion,I couldnt have put up with that. Fellas have a way of turning things around to imply that the girl is jealous,silly,ott or that things are all in their head but in all honesty they know that they are being the unreasonable one.

All I can say is that I would not put up with the texting at all and I think he knows very well that most girls wouldnt be comfortable with it. The thing is that if you issue an ultimatum and he refuses to stop would you actually leave him? Is it a dealbreaker for you?

paradigm

Question is then why be with someone who you obviously can't trust and continually lies to you.

Tinchy

I've put up with it that long that I'm so over arguing about it now.

I thought it would get easier but to be honest it's just getting harder. he met her a couple of weeks ago for a chat (we live very far away from her) when he was in the same city and since then they've spoken a good bit.

there was a time after xmas they didnt speak for about 2/3 months and I though we were getting somewhere.

I really don't want it to be a dealbreaker but it's getting to that stage i think

Paradigm - I know you're right. I just need to hear it from unbiased people I think.

Czarcasm

Tinchy wrote: »

Don't know if I'm being silly, he tells me I am.

He tells you you're being silly, yet he can't tell his ex of two years she's being silly when she texts him when she's on nights out, when she tells him she misses him, etc. In other words - basically he's trying to make you feel like you're being insecure, when he's actually the person who is so insecure that he can't let go of his ex and tell her it's time they both moved on. If he misses her that much and thinks you're being silly (effectively dismissing your opinion), he's effectively telling you to your face that he values his relationship with her more than he values his relationship with you.

Tinchy wrote: »

I'm being too soft aren't I?

Yes, yes you are.

CaraMay

He is still doing this because you have let him away with it for two years.

Op it's not on. Soft is not the word.

Tbh I suspect if you decided her or me, it would be her. You are never going to win this battle.

Tinchy

Without sounding like an idiot here, she (they) havent said they've missed each other in a looong time but still text, you still think it's wrong yeah? (i do)

Id rather be told I'm being an idiot and it will make me do something about it this time so thanks for the opinions!

When someone tells you you're exaggarating and it's no big deal when she texts (last night in the middle of the night with a photo of a friend- sparked this thread) you start to believe it.

CaraMay I'm scared you're right - guess it's time to find out

CaraMay

I don't know if you are an idiot but I would feel like an idiot if I stayed Ruth a guy who was telling his ex he missed her during our relationship.

Colser

This has to be affecting your day to day relationship with him Tinchy .Hes having his cake and eating it imo. At this stage I wouldnt argue with him any more about it as hes well aware of your feelings and is still entertaining her,it must be very hurtful for you.

Its time to put yourself first but only you can decide if its reason enough to break up your relationship...Do you think he still has feelings for her or is he just lapping up the attention?

Tinchy

I dont think he has feelings for her anymore, if he does they are very slight. he talks about our future all the time etc
He says he doesnt want to hurt her ( he broke up with her in a ****ty way) but I think he doesnt realise he's hurting both of us by keeping in contact. it could well be that hes lapping up the attention from both (ive said that to him before)

(they rarely said they missed each other but msgs along that line- a lot of them at the start)

Dont get me wrong I'm not one of these girls who gets walked all overm im usually a two strikes and your out type of person but he's a decent guy at the end of it all and theres so much potential but you're all rightm it needs to stop one way or another.

Penny Tration

Tinchy, you're not an idiot, but you're letting him walk all over you.

There are two reasons for him to keep in contact- either he still has feelings for her, or he loves the ego boost more than he loves you.

Honestly, I think it's the former. Why would he be telling her he missed her while you were together, unless he had feelings for her? he may not be saying that anymore, but she's happy to text him and he's happy to reply, even in the middle of the night. If my friend texted me in the middle of the night, I'd tear her a new one for waking me when I'm up early for work. So why does he accept it?

Lastly, why are YOU accepting it? I can understand being friends with an ex, but his actions, and hers, would make me immediately issue an ultimatum.

However, you say he'll just continue contact and hide it from you. So why are you still with him, when you trust him so little?

Tinchy

Green Screen - you're right, I don't trust him with her at the minute and without sounding lovey I know how important trust is in a relationship. I think I'll talk to him tomorrow for the last time.

I'm thinking to myself what advice I'd give to someone with the exact same post and the answer isn't good!

Czarcasm

Tinchy there's nothing wrong at all with people being still being mates with their ex's, but there's a lot wrong with your partner telling you you're being silly because you object to their ex texting them at all hours and carrying on like for all intents and purposes they're still in a relationship.

I talk to my ex's the odd time, one of my ex's is one of my closest confidantes, but I'm with my wife now 17 years, and she's with her boyfriend over ten years, we don't be calling or texting each other at all hours and reminiscing about our relationship, we've moved on.

My wife also gets on great with some of her ex's, they're friends, real friends that care deeply about each other, but same thing again, they're not texting at all hours and reminiscing. We often go out for drinks together because my wife goes home to her home town and we'll often meet them out on nights out.

What your boyfriend is at though, and what this girl is at, that's not healthy, that's just "we have our thing and you're not part of it", and him telling you you're being silly is his way of minimizing something he knows himself is wrong, and he doesn't like being pulled up on it, because you're embarrassing him. He should be embarrassed that he and his ex are still carrying on like they're In a relationship and you're interfering.

That's a horrible way to make anyone feel, and you shouldn't have to feel like you're in the wrong if you question WTF is going on between them that she thinks it's ok to text your boyfriend at all hours, and he finds that acceptable, and thinks you're being silly because you're not willing to accept it.

You don't have to accept it, and if your boyfriend valued you at all, he would make an effort to curb his embarrassing behavior, for your sake if not for his own.

Penny Tration

Tinchy wrote: »

Green Screen - you're right, I don't trust him with her at the minute and without sounding lovey I know how important trust is in a relationship. I think I'll talk to him tomorrow for the last time.

I'm thinking to myself what advice I'd give to someone with the exact same post and the answer isn't good!

It's never easy to give yourself advice, is it? Because when you advise friends, your emotions aren't involved, but they are when you're having issues of your own.

You do need to talk to him. I don't know what good talking will do if he refuses to give up the 'friendship' though.

Colser

I think then you are going to have to try and play it a different way and hope he sees the errors of his ways(jeez theyre hard work):)

In future when she texts you could ask if everything is all right(as if you care) and then let it go..maybe try and insinuate thats its all really quite sad that she cant move on and is still using him in her own way.Say very little and dont let on that its bothering you.Would this make him feel thats hes actually being a *ick about the whole thing?

Its hard to walk when you obviously really like him and this is the only problem but in saying that he should have a lot more respect for your feelings and should be putting you before her.

Tinchy

Czarcasm - thanks for the point of view, these posts are really helping me.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, anytime I mention her he gets anger and tells me i'm being stupid because hes being pulled up on it.

Yes probably the worst thing is him thinking its perfectly normal for her to send a random text in the middle of the night - why is she even thinking about him on a night out and not just enjoying herself? it seems she can't move on because I know when she finds someone else she will cut contact with him but why cant he do the same now that he's with me?

Colser/ green screen - thanks for the advice, I think I've tried to pretend it's not bothering me then he thinks its ok and continues. and yeah the way i see it (which ive told him) is if my ex was texting me and it was upsetting him as much as it has me Id cut contact in a heartbeat. seems he cant/wont do the same for me!

KrustyUCC

Tinchy wrote: »

I'm in a relationship with a guy for approx 20 months now, we met a couple of weeks after he finished with his ex of 8 years.

To keep it simple I'm not going into the whole story. Basically wanted to get other peoples opinions on how much is too much for them to still be texting? I know how petty this sounds. she is still interested in him and to be honest I think he's only recently gotten over her.

She texts in the midle of the night sometimes if shes on a night out and sees a random friend of his and will tell him, there were some pretty bad msgs in his phonem miss you type msgs etc up until a year ago (we've been living together over a year) that I have seen and talked about and got over.

I would just like there to be little contact at this stage as I want us to move on but can't see it happening any time soon as they still talk a lot.
I've been very patient the last 2 years as I know break ups are hard.

Opinions Please!

8 years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone

I was in a 6 yr relationship which ended last yr

I am single but my ex has a bf of approx 5 months now

We have both moved on but we are still kinda like best friends as she knows everything about me and vice versa

we text almost every day and sometimes quite a few times a day

texts in general are of how are you, any news type of nature

we have said we missed each other at various times (yes drink was involves sometimes) but i think it's more as a person than relationship as we didn't end on bad terms

once both parties move on you can be friends

i'm sure her new bf isn't happy with texts but i haven't seen her in well over 9 months and i won't be meeting up with her

the fact that his ex still has feeling is a different story ... you can't be friends if one person wants more

meeting up is esp unfair on you Op

that is a no no

maybe you can ask your boyfriend to cut down on contact gradually?

it's rude not to reply to txt etc but he doesn't have to start texting her