New(ish) partners children....

LegacyUser

I started dating a guy about 18 months ago. We met through a dating website and get on amazingly....we are both mid 40's, he is legally separated for the last 5 years with divorce proceedings started and I am divorced. I have no children and he has 3....this is where the issues begin....

We are looking at our future together and want to plan to take things a step further. At the moment we live in our own homes but we are an hour and a half away from each other and both have quite busy jobs so time together is precious.

The problem is that his 14 yr old son hates me.

I have met 2 of his kids (the eldest and himself have had no relationship for the last 2 years which is her decision) and the youngest 11 yr old daughter seems to maybe not accept me but at least seems willing to give me a chance.

He has his children stay over twice a week which would be an issue with his son I would imagine if we moved in together. We aren't planning a move until his divorce is granted which may take months (or longer!!) but I suppose what I am wondering is if anyone here has been in a similar position? If so, is there anything I can do to ease the path with the son? I really don't want it to come to them or me/us but if we are to live together then I have no idea how it will work.....I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel right now.

His wife still seems incredibly bitter and know from some of the things that the children say to my partner that she has been bad mouthing me though she doesn't know me.

Part of me wonders if she still has feelings for him....there was no other people involved in the break up or anything, they just fell out of love and things went downhill for a couple of years and he moved out. He has always paid full maintenance and her mortgage and has access to the kids.....it's very sad when things happen to a relationship but life needs to go on....

So I guess I am hoping for someone to come on now with a fairy tale ending to their own story or at least some good advice as to how I can build some sort of relationship with his son...even just some civility....I don't want to be their mum or anything....there's loads more to this story but I don't want to bore you all!

Alf. A. Male

Having been in a similar position, to the naked eye I had a surly teenager doing his best to get rid of me, but really I had a normal, sometimes confused teenager who needed love the most when he was at his worst, same as the rest of them really
Any chance you could say how this "hate" manifests itself?

Calhoun

No situation is the same so its going to be very hard for anyone to categorically say it will get better but there are possible things you can do to make it better.

I am the eldest of 3 and my parents went through something similar. There were times when the bitterness coming from my mothers mouth would have turned me against my now stepmother. The thing is i was yound and stupid and over time, she has grown to be a good friend and someone i can confide in more so than my own mother who let the bitterness define her life.

So as for making it better between you all i will say is just be there be nice and civil to them but dont push it to hard or become a doormat in trying to please them. The real unresolved issue is between Dad and the kids and he needs to sort that out.

As for moving in,i think you both need to do it. The kids need to know that you arent going to go away and that they can't avoid you forever. Dad needs to address this with them, as unless your secretly some sort of monster that hates kids. If you are opening and welcomingg things will get better in time all on its own. However if you pander to it and try accomodate tantrums then it will last a good bit longer.

More than likely the mother is still in love with the father hence the bitterness my advice to you is dont rise to the bait. Things will get better but it will take some time and getting used to the idea. You are in an awkward position and depending on how you act will result in it getting better or not.

LegacyUser

Alf. A. Male wrote: »

Having been in a similar position, to the naked eye I had a surly teenager doing his best to get rid of me, but really I had a normal, sometimes confused teenager who needed love the most when he was at his worst, same as the rest of them really
Any chance you could say how this "hate" manifests itself?

We have met 3 times.....first was bowling for a couple of hours and there was zero conversation other than a couple of yes and no answers. Second time was a funfair where he completely ignored me and refused to go on any ride with me and the third was in a pub lunch situation where for about 4 hours he literally had his back to me and refused to speak....

I have tried to discourage his dad from having too much of a go at him about his behaviour because i am sure his head is all over the place now and I don't want arguments between them but they were out last weekend and bumped into a friend of mine and he was incredibly rude to her too after he found out who she was....

Calhoun

New partners kids.. wrote: »

We have met 3 times.....first was bowling for a couple of hours and there was zero conversation other than a couple of yes and no answers. Second time was a funfair where he completely ignored me and refused to go on any ride with me and the third was in a pub lunch situation where for about 4 hours he literally had his back to me and refused to speak....

I have tried to discourage his dad from having too much of a go at him about his behaviour because i am sure his head is all over the place now and I don't want arguments between them but they were out last weekend and bumped into a friend of mine and he was incredibly rude to her too after he found out who she was....

It's only been 3 times it's not enough to say how your relationship will be defined, I wouldn't really expect to much at the moment this reaction is normal.

Define being rude to your friend? His dad has a right to call him on being rude but depends on what you mean by it.

Alf. A. Male

New partners kids.. wrote: »

We have met 3 times.....first was bowling for a couple of hours and there was zero conversation other than a couple of yes and no answers. Second time was a funfair where he completely ignored me and refused to go on any ride with me and the third was in a pub lunch situation where for about 4 hours he literally had his back to me and refused to speak....
.

Yep, sounds like plenty of teenagers alright. I wouldn't turn this into "he hates me" and compared to some, it's actually quite encouraging, he could be doing and saying a lot worse. He's got his issues I'm sure and he's entitled to, but yes and no answers do not a hateful teenager make, there's no reason he should go on any rides with you, you're an adult and not his mate or parent, who he also might not want to get on a ride with, and after 4 hours in a pub plenty of kids are bored off their tits and acting out. Nothing new here. Have you any common ground, any shared interests?

heretochat

I would think (not speaking with any authority on the subject) that the kid is acting the way he is out of loyalty to his mother. Alternatively, he is just hrt and confused as he maybe hoped against hope that his parents would re-unite and you have in hismind put an end to that possibility.

Yourself and your partner need to show that you are serious about each other and moving in together would do that.

There is no guarantee that his kids will ever accept you but you can only give them time.

hattoncracker

Hi OP,

I am in a similar situation, kind of. I have three future step children. I have only met the 2 younger ones (boys, 15 and 17) as his older daughter (22) doesn't want to meet me yet.

When I first was introduced to the boys I was introduced as a friend of their dad. It gave me time to get to know them and them time to get to know me. When we eventually did tell them their dad spoke to them first alone and then I spoke to them alone. I asked them if they had any Questions about me and how they felt. They were both quite happy, thankfully, even though I'm only 27, and closer to their age than I am to their dad's!

I think the best advice I can give you is to speak to him yourself. Don't get your partner to do it for you. You're a part of his life now and he needs to know that. He's a young man, so treat him as such, and he makes his own decisions about who he speaks to.

Don't lose heart. You can win him over. But it will take time. Xx

Merkin

I don't think you've given the kid a chance and I certainly don't think three fleeting meetings is enough to decide that he hates you.

He's a 14 year old boy, his parents are estranged and I'm sure he is hormonal, confused and has immense loyalty towards his Mum. If you love your partner then simply bide your time, keep the lines of communication open and remember that he's only a kid. It's how YOU act now that will determine the kind of relationship you have with him so don't disregard him just yet. Be friendly, kind and civil and if you give him sufficient time, he will see that you make his Dad happy.

skooterblue2

Such a complex post. Of course the kids are resenting you ........ you have "taken away their Dad". Its NOT about what is right or correc,t it is the way they perceive it. I dont doubt for one minute their mother is poisoning them against you. Even if you havent met she would be doing this. This is repayment as your partner is moving on with his life.

Dont take his "Father time" away from him, look it as more you are sharing HIS "Father Time" with him. Forget his ex wife you cant win her over .... ever!! Just concentrate on what you can do, You cant win the War in a day, win the little victories day by day. Eventually you will get acceptance. Dont ever make him decide between you and the kids, you will always come second. They could break this relationship if they wanted to so always keep them onside. You organise a special day out for your new family.

Remember Family time is a valuable commodity and it is only when it is gone we realise how valuable it is

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies folks.

I think that I am just at a loss.....I have never had children and have never dated anyone with kids so feel totally out of my depth.

I know that he is probably a good kid at heart and is in a really hard situation. He is probably the one that is closest to his dad at the moment and it hadn't really crossed my mind that he might feel like I am taking his dad away from a possible reconciliation with their mum.

We are keeping things lower key than normal maybe at the moment until the divorce is sorted....the ex is creating waves with that too so until it's 'officially' over we don't want to add fuel to the fire.

My choice is to not see them again for a while...I think my partner is forcing things a little as he is naturally eager for us all to get on.

Skooter, I would never ever make him decide between me or the kids, I am the one thinking with the sensible head at the moment...I think he is thinking with an ' in love' head which is wonderful but not real life As for father time, I am more than happy to leave him to it, I think time with them is precious and if I'm being 100% truthful it's delaying me needing to deal with this! Once we live together this will be impossible though as the son stays over...

Thanks again for the thoughts and advice...it is a very alien situation for me so I had no idea where to go with it....even hearing that others go through it too makes me feel a little bit normal!

Merkin

New partners kids... wrote: »

We are keeping things lower key than normal maybe at the moment until the divorce is sorted....the ex is creating waves with that too so until it's 'officially' over we don't want to add fuel to the fire.

My choice is to not see them again for a while...I think my partner is forcing things a little as he is naturally eager for us all to get on.

I think you've answered your own question here. If your partner's estranged wife is making waves, then this poor boy will have most probably been privy to all of that - so you essentially are the horrible other woman who is, like you say, jeopardizing a reconciliation. Kids at that age can be black and white, and to all intents and purposes, you might be the only thing standing in the way of them getting back together, regardless of how awful their relationship was.

I also think your partner isn't being very fair. It's inappropriate to start playing happy families when he is only in the process of a divorce and you guys are only together a year and a half. No wonder the poor boy's head is in the shed. I think you're right to step back a little and let them carry on as normal and see each other and make him promise that a relationship with his kids should happen organically and over time rather than have you play Maria Von Trapp when it's still at such a sensitive stage for all concerned.

missqe2

Hi there,

I could have written your post four years ago word for word, although I only have one step child and I also have a child of my own. I'm not sure whether it made it better or worse to be a parent myself. On one hand I understood what it feels like to be a parent, with all of the worries and the guilt that goes with separating from the childs other parent. On the other hand it made it harder on everyone that my OH had a good relationship with my child.

My stepson's mother also came out of the bitter and twisted school of ex wives (I was WAY nicer to my ex-husband) and made my stepson's life a misery when he came into contact with me.

Four years later we have family holdidays, my step son chats away to me and probably listens to me more than his dad and he and I gang up together to tease his father. There's a big age gap between the two children but they get on together. I thought we'd never get there but we did, in about a thousand baby steps.

What worked for us is to make sure that while my stepson had to realise that his father's life had changed and that he had other responsibilities now, he also had to know that his relationship with his father didn't have to change. Make sure that they get as much time alone together as you all get together.

I never ever breathed a critical word about my OH's ex-wife. But ever, no matter what she did. I spoke about his mom in a matter of fact way in front of him so that he knew it wasn't a forbidden subject (like "honey, what did XX used to cook you for Sunday dinner when you were married. Oh, lamb? That's a great idea I hadn't thought of that).

I made sure my own ex-husband dropped around once or twice when my stepson was there so that he could see that it was possible to be nice to each other after divorce. I chatted with my own daughter in front of him about her visits with Daddy and I never bad mouthed my own ex-husband in front of him.

And I made sure that I was as even handed as possible with both children so that there was no favouritism - "Mary, let John watch the film in peace with his Dad. It's boy's time". "John, can you turn the music down Mary has to do her homework".

My stepson was 13 when we started coming into contact with each other and I always spoke to him as an adult rather than as a child, so as to distance myself from any second mother connotations. He already had a perfectly servicable mother, he didn't need another one!

And finally, I was bloody sure that I was going to marry my OH before I came into contact with my step son. Otherwise I felt I would just be creating issues with no long term payoff for the child.

I'll be honest, I didn't start out loving him. I started out resenting him at times but loving my OH enough to want to encourage their relationship. Now, when someone asks me how many children I have, without thinking, I say two. It took a thousand baby steps though and it's only looking back that I can see the progress.

LegacyUser

I can't post 'thanks' to these as I'm not using my regular log in name but thanks all

Missqe2, this sort if scenario is exactly what I'm hoping for I guess.

I don't want to come across as some sort of evil stepmother or as a pair of soppy teens...we are mid to late 40's and know where we would like to end up.

Both kids have brought their mum up in conversation when I've been there and I have been very matter of fact about her and complimented her to them on a couple of occasions....their issues as a family and their break up isn't mine to deal with....been there and done that in an incredibly civil way thankfully!

I think that once the divorce is out of the way we can relax a little and get some stability going. Merkin you are right, one of the things that his youngest daughter said to him a couple of months ago was 'is mummy still your top girl?' It took him by surprise (and me when he told me later) as they have been apart for over 5 years now and they are so bitter between them it would be as random as her saying she had seen a unicorn! But children's perceptions are different aren't they....

'Blended' families eh????

Merkin

New partners kids wrote: »

I think that once the divorce is out of the way we can relax a little and get some stability going. Merkin you are right, one of the things that his youngest daughter said to him a couple of months ago was 'is mummy still your top girl?' It took him by surprise (and me when he told me later) as they have been apart for over 5 years now and they are so bitter between them it would be as random as her saying she had seen a unicorn! But children's perceptions are different aren't they....

See that's just it, kids are sensitive little sausages with a generous dose of idealism. It's so telling that five years on the little girl still thinks that this is all most probably just a temporary blip, and you unfortunately, are probably being painted by the disgruntled ex as the only one stepping in the way of a reunion. Very unfair but probably true!

You just need to exercise patience and it will all come together. You sound like you've found a good partner and that you're handling this very well. As the children grow up and mature and ultimately come to terms with the finality of a divorce (and lets hope their Mum meets someone new too) they should slowly come to accept you as part of their extended family. Hope it works out well for you, I think it will and you just need to give it time x

NormalBob Ubiquitypants

At the risk of sounding too revolutionary, have you tried the direct approach? Just ask him what is wrong. Not in a confrontational way but genuine curiosity. Away from his father as well as he may feel ganged up on and trying to avoid a row.

LegacyUser

I don't know if or how this will help but when I was about 8 or 9, I was the child who hated the new partner.

My Mam and I didn't do much together before she got with Mr. X. We never went to the park or beach, although I often asked. I ended up having picnics by myself in the sitting room with a few biscuits, and often felt very alone as a child. I spent time out with other family members - going to the park, the zoo, the cinema, etc. I never felt close to her. When Mr. X came along, it got worse.

I made it 100% clear that I disliked him. Sometimes I cried to my Mam saying that I felt like we never spent time together (which she said "was silly"), and I wanted to spend time alone with her rather than her and Mr. X. When I did get brought to places he always came along, or more often than not he would take me to places like the cinema alone or with his daughter. Often I spent alone time with him, but still never my Mam. She would leave me at my grandparents to go out with him. I felt like she liked him more than me, and grew to be very jealous of him. I didn't realise that this was why I hated him until last year looking back - it was all subconscious. They stayed together until I was 13. I grew to hate his daughter too, feeling like she was replacing me. My Mam would call her pet names which got me upset. One day his daughter and I had a huge fight, which led to my Mam and Mr. X having a fight. Then they split up.

My relationship with my Mam became terrible over that period. I didn't like her very much either. It's took years for us to become in any way close. I'm 20 now, and only two years ago did we start to actually build a normal-ish relationship. I can see that she wants one, but I just can't. I don't confide in her because we don't have that type of relationship. Even typing this I feel a little emotional, as I still haven't fully resolved those feelings yet.

If there's anything you should take from that, it's to make sure that their father son time doesn't end up being father, son and girlfriend time. Try to make sure that you're not invading their time together because his son may resent you for it, and suggest he brings them places so they get quality alone time if he doesn't already. If your partner can, he should try to get the kids for an extra few hours every so often that you can all spend together, instead of it cutting into their alone time. Make sure it doesn't affect his relationship with his father too. I became very withdrawn at home and with my whole family. I became a different person at home - and to this day I usually still am.

I'd hate to see this happen to someone else, so I hope you can work it out with the son!

diveout

Try to remember the kid didn't ask for any of this. He didn't ask for his family to break up and he didn't ask for his dad to forge a new one that he is now being forced to assimilate into.

LegacyUser

At the moment is ex is bad mouthing you to the children.

It is time for you to say the following to your partner - his son is not talking to you due to his mother bad mouthing you. She is delaying the divorce because she knows about you.
It is time for him to man up and tell her to stop bad mouthing you and that he wants to move on with the divorce. He then needs to tell her that unless things improve on her side he will have no other choice but to pay her less due the cost of all the legal fees he is paying because he won't let him move on with his life.

The next time you meet the children I would ask the son how is he getting on in school? What subjects does he like? What are his plans for the summer?
Ask him what does he like to do in his free time? Ask him what would he like to do when he leaves school?
I would say to him your a teenager so you know that your parents marriage ended a few years before I met your Dad. I am part of his life and it would be nice to get to know you.

See if there is some common ground that you have. If he likes computer games ask him can you play with him some time. You could end up having a laugh with him.
Also show interest in what he like ie football ect. Also tell him a bit about you, about you job or if you traveled.
I think you need to understand that his mother is bad mouthing you so you need to show him that you are not what his mother says you are.

Calhoun

wise woman wrote: »

At the moment is ex is bad mouthing you to the children.

It is time for you to say the following to your partner - his son is not talking to you due to his mother bad mouthing you. She is delaying the divorce because she knows about you.
It is time for him to man up and tell her to stop bad mouthing you and that he wants to move on with the divorce. He then needs to tell her that unless things improve on her side he will have no other choice but to pay her less due the cost of all the legal fees he is paying because he won't let him move on with his life.

The next time you meet the children I would ask the son how is he getting on in school? What subjects does he like? What are his plans for the summer?
Ask him what does he like to do in his free time? Ask him what would he like to do when he leaves school?
I would say to him your a teenager so you know that your parents marriage ended a few years before I met your Dad. I am part of his life and it would be nice to get to know you.

See if there is some common ground that you have. If he likes computer games ask him can you play with him some time. You could end up having a laugh with him.
Also show interest in what he like ie football ect. Also tell him a bit about you, about you job or if you traveled.
I think you need to understand that his mother is bad mouthing you so you need to show him that you are not what his mother says you are.

Please please please don't follow this advice it will make things a hell of allot worse. Not only will she become worse in what she is saying about the OP but taking this kind of hardline could result in a huge impact on the relationship he has with the kids.

The laws in Ireland mean a father has much less rights than a mother and she can make life very unpleasant for him. You don't need this extra burden on your relationship.

I would also recommend that you do not pull him aside on his own and mention the above to him, it should be both yourself and his father doing it. Otherwise you just come across as very pushy.

NormalBob Ubiquitypants

wise woman wrote: »

It is time for you to say the following to your partner - his son is not talking to you due to his mother bad mouthing you. She is delaying the divorce because she knows about you.
It is time for him to man up and tell her to stop bad mouthing you and that he wants to move on with the divorce.

Sexist much.

LegacyUser

Calhoun wrote: »

I would also recommend that you do not pull him aside on his own and mention the above to him, it should be both yourself and his father doing it. Otherwise you just come across as very pushy.

+1 As a teen who was in a similar situation I would rec not trying to force a relationship on him. When my parents split my mother did not bad mouth my dad or his new partner but I still had little interest interacting with her. My feeling then was of utter disinterest. Now I know some will say if someone is important to my dad then I should have cared but that's adult heads talking not moody teen. As a teen I just saw her as the person my dad was dating not my new best friend or replacement mother or anything like that. Attempts at asking about my interests came across as fake, I'm not saying if they were or not but teenage me didn't like taking to my parents about that stuff I certainly didn't want to talk to this random person. I did feel somewhat resentful as I'd been use to having 1 on 1 time with my dad. With the divorce our time was cut down and now this other person expected to be included in everything. Even my parents when they were getting on fine didn't expect me to spend that much time with both of them. I had activities I shared with my mum and ones with my dad and now I was expected to share these dad only activities with another person and I know it put pressure on my dad as his GF was so desperate that we spend time together and be 'best of friends' and he felt caught in the middle and ended up yelling at me and ruining our relationship for a number of years.

Now as an adult I've built back up some of my relationship with my dad but it's never been the same. I have a polite relationship with his partner. I do small talk etc when I see her but we are never going to be friends and you need to accept that OP, you could end up with a great relationship or you could end up just being civil to each other. You can't force or create a relationship OP, just let your BF have time with his kids, if they want to spend time with you they will. If he is being rude to you or your friends then speak to your BF, he is the parent, but understand the difference between being rude and being a moody teen.

Taltos

NormalBob Ubiquitypants - welcome to PI/RI. Can you please have a read of the charter before posting here again. While you are free to disagree with another's opinion we do ask that unless you have constructive advice that you not post.

Thanks
Taltos

NormalBob Ubiquitypants

Fair enough Taltos. I still think it is sexist though.

OP, two things struck me about what you originally posted.
First is that his eldest child has no relationship with him at all. Is there any particular reason for it?
Second, you say his marriage ended because they fell out of love and things deteriorated between his wife and himself. Then you say you think she is still in love with him.

I think there is more to his marriage ending than he is letting on. You are getting one side of the story. I would find his wife's version and the kids' versions an interesting balance. Doesn't excuse their behaviour but it may make it more understandable. I still maintain that the best thing to do is to speak to the 14 year old kid directly. Never a 'sit down and have this conversation' type, but instead when he is doing something in the house. More likely to speak.

stickybookmark

Hi OP, your post has made me appreciate the fact that my partner's kids are so young! I got in there early it's such a different ball game than starting from when they are teenagers. In one way you'd think his ex wife would be happy that he has picked somebody his own age to settle down with, I don't mean to be presumptuous and of course with modern science anything is possible but I presume with you both mid-40s that starting a second family mightn't be on the horizon, so you would think she'd appreciate his choice of partner but if she is from the 'bitter and twisted school of exes' as somebody else put it (love it!) she won't appreciate this. We are also dealing with a woman from the bitter and twisted school of exes and I have to warn you, this isn't going to be an easy ride.....understatment of the year I'm afraid. If someone had told me 5 years ago what I'd go through as a result of choosing my partner....anyway we've gotten through the worst of it now (I hope !!!!) and things have settled waaay down.
Regarding the teenager, you've gotten so much advice here already and I would pay particular attention to that given by children who were in the same position as your bf's son is now. I think your attitude to it is spot on actually, you're right to back off. I wouldn't force anything, I'd stay as a background figure as much as possible. Whatever you do don't get involved in any rows with his ex or his kids.
Don't let yourself ever be quoted...anything you do say or comment about the situation say it to your bf in private, never in front of his kids and never to his ex herself. And of course as you already are doing, speak about their mother in normal, positive terms to them. And as you already are doing, don't interfere in the father and son time. I think you have the right attitude and as long as you keep your nose clean you can't be accused of anything by the ex (although sometimes that doesn't stop them...) but with your attitude I think this one is going to work out ok.

LegacyUser

Some great advice mixed in with the comments there, thank you...

Think I will stick to leaving them to it....he asked me to spend Father's Day with them yesterday and I have declined.....I think that it needs to be just for them. He sees them 2 to 3 times a week normally as his work schedule varies and I have met them 3 times and actually one of those was 'forced' on us because of his wife so I feel that I have totally been taking it easy with mixing with them or taking their time from him...he has never missed an access visit since we have been together so no fear there with taking him away from them.

Cantlogin you make some very valid points....I was the same as a teenager, hated all the questions that well meaning aunties and all used to ask me which is why I have tried not to do that....but the comment was passed after our first vibist by the son that I really didn't ask him much....it's such a fine line!!

Normalbob, I don't want to put on here why they don't talk as it's very specific and you never know who is on here but there are more issues with her than their relationship to be honest. I know exactly why they split up, there is always more to a story than any version that you get and somewhere in the middle is the truth but I know that it wasn't for any 'bad' reason...it broke down much like my own.

Stickybookmark, thank you, I think that the bottom line is that I never wanted a man with kids and can't believe how much I love and respect this man but obviously enough to put up with crap at the very least until it is sorted! You've give me hope lol!