Confused

LegacyUser

So basically I'm 27 and in my first functioning relationship of ten months now. My boyfriend has had several long-term relationships before me (he is 30). I am crazy about him and he treats me so well. We haven't fought or argued once, everything's been so easy and fun and he's so considerate and kind.

But... I'm bothered by the fact that he hasn't said those 3 words yet. I haven't either to be fair but I feel like with my inexperience in these matters and by virtue of him being the man, who chased me, that it should be him who says it first. I actually can't bring myself to, I'm way too nervous.

I didn't think it was that big a deal until I saw another thread here about a similar situation and some posters said it would be worrying not to have said it after this length of time.

I get lots of compliments on my appearance off him, and some other comments (occasionally) about how happy I make him but that's it. A girl I'm friends with expressed great shock at learning he hasn't said it. Herself and her boyfriend are together six months and said it ages ago. It makes me feel insecure.

What is the deal here? Should I be concerned? The longer it goes on, the more nervous I get to say it myself cos I'm wondering why he is hesitating. There've been plenty of opportunities, particularly when we're both drunk (dutch courage and all) but nothing.

Am I being silly?? It's really weighing on my mind.

dudara

Do you love him?

A relationship isn't a competition to see who will say it first. All you can do is say what you feel, and let him respond as he feels.

baby and crumble

Everyone is different, OP. I will say, you haven't said it either, and so he may be nervous too, an wondering why you haven't told him you love him yet. He also may not feel ready to say it yet- and that's ok. Actions speak louder than words, and if he's a good guy, treats you well and generally makes you feel loved, I wouldn't worry about words.

One piece of advice I would give you is to not assume that just because he's a man and 'pursued' you that he has to do everything first. That's just going to end in heartache.

Meauldsegosha

OP you've been watching too many rom coms. Just because he is the man and did the chasing doesn't mean he should say he loves you first. And just because your friend and boyfriend said it early in their relationship doesn't mean you (or your boyfriend) have to. Every couple is different. Maybe your boyfriend is nervous, just like you. Maybe he's waiting for the right time to say it, maybe he has his mates telling him it too soon. You'll drive yourself crazy worrying about.

Relax and enjoy your relationship. It will happen naturally.

Alf. A. Male

Maybe your shocked friend has more to worry about than you do. Relax, it's new and going well, don't focus on one small aspect if the rest is good. And your logic for why he should say it first is ridiculous, if you're feeling and and feel you need to say it, no reason you shouldn't that I can see.

midnight_train

Bit of a side-issue, but for what it's worth, I think your friend is a kind of a jerk for expressing 'great shock' that you and your bf haven't said 'I love you' yet. Every relationship is different. If something like that 'shocks' her, she is in for a very shocking life!!

As other posters have said, do YOU love him?

Also, again as other posters said, actions speak louder than words. I have have boyfriends in the past say they loved me and still not treat me very well, or respect the relationship very much. It's very easy to say 'I love you.' Proving it through your actions is another thing.

I grew up in a family where we said 'I love you' to each other quite often, so I find it very easy to say those three words. I'd often said it in the past to boyfriends without really meaning it, but it was just easier to say it because they'd said it to me first and I didn't want to hurt their feelings (silly, I know).

I've also been with my current boyfriend for 10 months, and I really do love him. He's truly one of the nicest, funniest, kindest people I've ever met and I love him to bits. I was waiting and waiting for him to tell me he loved me - his actions certainly said that he did - but he never did say it. Finally, I said it to him around the six month mark and he said he felt unsure about saying it back - he's never even told his family that he loves them, even though he's very close to them! Normally, that kind of reaction would have gotten me really upset, but I know I love him, and his actions towards me, every day, all of the time, are by someone who is very loving.

Now, he does say it back to me, but he has never said it first on his own. But I am very happy and secure in our relationship, he is great to me, we are great together, etc. He's a VERY slow mover, and I'm not going to rush him. But the day-to-day kindness and loving actions are a constant indicator of how he feels.

The point of the story is, everyone is different. If you love him, tell him. Forget about your friends' relationships. Comparing yourself to someone is negating your own experience. And don't forget that in the big scheme of things, 10 months is still early days. There is no need to rush things. ACTIONS, ACTIONS, ACTIONS are what is important - love is a verb, not just something you say.

ABajaninCork

'I Love You' is the most over-used phrase in the English Language. If you throw it around like confetti, it's like aural wallpaper - just noise. Actions speak louder than words. You get on well, don't argue, he treats you well. What exactly are you feeling insecure about?

I wouldn't worry about it too much. If he says it to you - fine. If he doesn't? That's also fine. Same goes for you. I wouldn't be saying those words unless you REALLY mean them. And it's not a competition to see who says it first. It doesn't matter!!!

And I wouldn't really be paying too much mind to what goes on in other people's relationships. Half of what you're told tends to be BS anyway...

stickybookmark

I'd agree with previous replies, words are cheap. It's better to have a guy who doesn't bandy words like that about. There is no right or wrong time to say something like that. If it's said too early, it appears not-genuine (you don't really know me so how can you say you love me?!) and can quickly become trite. But if it goes on too long without it being said you can start thinking howcome you don't love me yet!? It's a no-win situation.

I know most people on here think that the girl saying it first is fine, I personally don't agree I don't think the girl should say it first so you'll have to make your own mind up about that one. My advice would be to keep being your usual lovable self and wait :-)

Riskymove

BobbleHeadBlob wrote: »

I actually can't bring myself to, I'm way too nervous.

maybe he is too

Matteroffact

There is no set time in a relationship to fall in love, some take longer than others but I do think that when it happens it is not something you want to keep to yourself and you are dying to say the words. If everything else is going well in the relationship then just enjoy it and the words will come in their own good time.