College/Friends Problems

LegacyUser

So Ive finished my 1st year of college. I live a little away from college (as in I dont live at home during the academic year). My friends from "home" have hurt me a lot in the past and continue to do so so Ive decided to no longer contact them......not ignore, just cut my losses. I was friends with 1 of these people for 10 years. So that leaves me kind of alone when I'm at home.

At college, college is quite a fúcked up story that I dont want to get into too much but I did start another thread touching slightly on this issue previously, however it doesnt solve my new dilemma. Basically, I fupped up, I'm not the best at building friendships, I'm not "fun" or "interesting" people find me hard to click with or awkward. I'm reserved and its just impossible for me to come out of my shell until I feel comfortable with a person which may take months, it took nearly the full year for me to bare being alone in a room with my flatmates. I've been dealing with that my whole life its fine.

I tried to make friends with a group of people at the start of the year but at the start of February something happened which lead me to see I was trying to be friends with the wrong people. I kind of had friends with in my course....like nothing close but just chatted to each other and stuff, however the way my course is structured we will be in different classes next year and never see each other, they were never going to be lasting friendships however. I have joined MANY societies but the people in them, its not that I dont like them, I just dont want to and havent formed friendships with these people, theyre grand but wed get sick of each other quick enough. I did make 2 good friends but both of thee people are international students who are headed back to their respective countries next month.

So basically I'm at a loss. I want to make new real friendships but I feel out of options......advice?

Rubberchikken

you say you joined societies but didn't want to and haven't become friends with the people in them.
is there any chance that people are sensing this from you.
most epople don't want to get too 'deep' with opthers that they share a class with, they just want to chat and laugh.

maybe you should relax a little. chat, laugh, just take people as they are (mostly good) and see how things go.
you made friends with 2 people from abroad who are returning home. does that tell you anything about yourself?

retro:electro

Your approach and attitude isn't of someone who is trying to make friends tbh. Clubs and societies are the best places to make friends and meet like minded people, but you've already tarred most of them and don't want to be friends with them, what a negative approach. How would you feel if people felt this way about you? I joined societies in college and made friends with all sorts of people, and the ones who I thought I wouldn't click with are the ones I remain close with to this day. Don't have such a negative mind frame. If you want to make friends you need to be more open, how you approach the situation is key and from reading your post you're not doing yourself any favours.

Obliq

Anon2014 wrote: »

So Ive finished my 1st year of college. I live a little away from college (as in I dont live at home during the academic year). My friends from "home" have hurt me a lot in the past and continue to do so so Ive decided to no longer contact them......not ignore, just cut my losses. I was friends with 1 of these people for 10 years. So that leaves me kind of alone when I'm at home.

At college, college is quite a fúcked up story that I dont want to get into too much but I did start another thread touching slightly on this issue previously, however it doesnt solve my new dilemma. Basically, I fupped up, I'm not the best at building friendships, I'm not "fun" or "interesting" people find me hard to click with or awkward. I'm reserved and its just impossible for me to come out of my shell until I feel comfortable with a person which may take months, it took nearly the full year for me to bare being alone in a room with my flatmates. I've been dealing with that my whole life its fine.

Firstly OP, are you sure you're not fun or interesting?! I find reserved people interesting, and I often find they can be the most humorous as when some people pass clever comments in a reserved way, it comes as more of a surprise and a delight. How you feel inside is not at all how other people view you, it never is.

I think so many people feel difficulty coming out of their shells around strangers - it took you a year to be able to sit around with your flatmates? Normal. And I bet you're quite comfortable around them now, but you're looking for the kind of comfort you had with your old friends so you still feel strange. Also, I'll bet you're able to have fun, just not the kind of fun you're fully confident about because your old friends aren't about any more.

I have few old friends (I'm 42) and none left over from college. One from secondary, but we only got back in touch 3 years ago. None from my childhood. I made loads of friends in college, but I never felt comfortable with many because I was shy but it didn't matter to people. I still had a good time. Every year we can spend in our own company, being brave and meeting new people without the back up of home is a learning curve and a victory - seriously, the more you do it, the easier it becomes to be yourself to a fuller extent when you don't know people that well. Until you're more practised at it, you will not be fully ok with it.

How to make friends? You're on the way already, but you're looking at acquaintances in the light of your old friends, as if you should know them better already, or as if they all haven't got hidden depths to get to know (just like you) and all you're seeing is their face value. Give people time, give yourself time and have a good summer - will you be going "home" to your no-mates life? Hope there's at least one person there you still get on with.

And hang in there OP. Expose yourself a bit - if you get shot down, pick yourself up and try some other folk but by the sounds of it you'll have to make yourself do it! Best of luck.