Having an independent, positive lifestyle?

LegacyUser

tl;dr post here, sorry. But I would appreaciate it if ye take the time to read it.

Regular user on Boards, but going anon for this. I have been debating for ages how to say this, but I need to get it off my chest here, since it literally becomes too hard for me to say it in person to a counsellor. I tried one time but the words got stuck in my throat, because I was so afraid of her reaction.

Growing up, during my pre-teen and teen years, I wasn't the typical self-concious type of teenager going through puperty.
I actually think I might have developed depression during that time, because my home-life was in no way abusive and horrid, but it would be more passive-aggressive and have hot tempers, very high standards and negativity sometimes.

I was bullied when I was young by a few of my siblings for being different, for being "stupid" and not understanding situations. It later turned out that I was diagnosed with mild Asperger's at 16, but by then the damage was done. I remember being shouted at and critisised for making mistakes, even mistakes most average people make. I remember parents used to talk about how great our neighbour's children were at their hobbies (could have been music, dance, etc) but then there was negativity towards anything I wanted to do, like "What's the point, you will never practise anyway!"

If I ever spoke up about their behaviour towards me, they just say that I am being too sensitive and overreacting. I described some incidents to a counsellor years ago and even she said it sounded like bullying to her, and was even saddened to hear it was happening in the family home.

I remember feeling ashamed of even existing because I thought I was the black sheep, the embaressment of the family, even though after digging into my family's past a bit, I realised our family has had a LOT of problems going years back.

So you basicially get the idea. Now as a young adult, I am completely damaged as a result. I am so critical of everything I do and say, (college counsellor found me to be very critical of myself, because I described how I was
disappointed not to have done better on my 1st year exam grades, even though the grades I did get were high enough),
I still feel the need to go for advice to my family, even though they give nothing but negativity first over my choices. People still sometimes talk down to me and I let them because i get so used to it. I feel humilated now as an adult to have people treat me like a child (even relatives younger than me) and belittle me when I do not know something.

It affected my friendships and chance to have a relationship during school (a another thread for another day, because there is a lot of info in that also) and now college.
I still feel like a child sometimes, looking for approval from my family because anything else I have done never seems to be right at all. No one supports my college choice in media, and wanted me to do IT instead, but then when I shown an interest to transfer to an IT course, they STILL were not happy! It seriously is driving me insane.


It is hard to know what to ask here, but I suppose it is this: how can I try to restart my life again in a positive way as an independant adult without the past dragging me down, and family members dragging me down who still have those domineering personality traits with them? I mean I started by applying for volunteer work for the last few weeks of summer in college to gain work experiance and I haven't even told them yet, because I know someone will have some remark that will bring down my entire mood, that is how bad it is.

thefeatheredcat

I think you will have to recognise and accept that nothing positive can come in going to your family for advice or informing them of your choices because you will - regardless of whatever it is you have to tell them - receive criticism, and that can harm you in making your doubt yourself and prevent you from performing well or getting things done.

Putting yourself through that criticism is unhealthy and could directly and actively deter you from making yourself a success, in holding you back by making you feel bad about yourself. If you've always been treated badly by your family then you have been made maintain the status quo within the family dynamic with reinforcement as an adult.

I actually think you should tell your counselor about this. And how you can create an independent and positive lifestyle for you. That is something that you should talk about in dealing directly with how your family behave towards you and how you can work to move past it and build up your self confidence and have a more positive life. Ideally you should be able to minimise contact with such negative influences so you are away from such negativity towards you, to allow yourself to perceive yourself more positively. That might not be possible depending on your circumstances. But your counselor would be able to help in providing you way to deal with all of that.

JuliusCaesar

If you cannot actually SAY it, print out your post and give it to a counsellor to read, or email it to them in advance of a session.

But make an appointment to see a counsellor. Your last experience was good, there's no reason why you shouldn't see someone again.

dipdip

rebuildingmylifeagain wrote: »

It is hard to know what to ask here, but I suppose it is this: how can I try to restart my life again in a positive way as an independant adult without the past dragging me down, and family members dragging me down who still have those domineering personality traits with them?

Decide to.

Stop asking for their approval. Stop asking for their advice. You are inviting their criticism.

Marginalize them in your life - put them to the borders. Make your own decisions and let the cards fall where they may.

Don't talk to them about your choices. If they bring things up, shrug and ignore them or walk away.

You have no boundaries. Setting your boundaries in place will set you free. They may (almost certainly will) act out angrily if you cut them out of your decisions: let them. They will get over it eventually. You have to teach them how to treat you.

In the mean time, reassure and affirm yourself and your own decisions every day. Be your own cheerleader - then you won't need someone else to do it for you.

LegacyUser

Op here again, thanks very much for the replies, definately take the advice on.

Suppose some are wondering why I find it hard to say this to a counsellor, I suppose it is because I feel like such a b**tch for talking about my family like this. It's not that they are horrible, physically abusive people and I will be forever grateful that it never got that far. It just that some of them are set in thier ways a bit and i suppose don't realise how negative they can be sometime. But at the same time, I can't be totally forgiving about it when they negativity is affecting me, I suppose.

Rubberchikken

Stop asking for their advice.
Stop running plans you have past them.

Do the course you want to do. Do the volunteer work, which is excellent btw, and just go and live your life.

If/when they enquire about the things you're up to, just mention them in a matter of fact way.

In time they will see that you are your own person and deserve every chance and respect.

LegacyUser

Hi I am the same as you I go to counselling and it helps while im there but I feel I haven't learned skills for life if you know what I mean. I let people talk down to me all the time!
I am reading this book and it is absoloulty excellent it is called light minds by an irish writer if you google light minds - irish writer it will come up. I cant remember the name. Read it it will change your life forever !

stickybookmark

Hi OP, I think it's horrible that your family are so negative to you. It's bad enough that you will face difficulties out there in the big bad world but that your own family aren't even nice or supportive to you is really shocking.
Shame on them, they should be delighted that you are making your way in the world and going to college. There's plenty of people that don't face the difficulties that you face and they never make it that far so good on you!

Feeling guilty about b*tching about your family to a counsellor is a common feeling amongst people that go to counselling, it's something you'll have to overcome though if you want the counselling to be productive.
When you think about it, most people that go for counselling are going to have to do this at some stage; most of our issues come from our families and past! So be sure you're not the first person to feel this way. Just think - your family are never going to hear what you say: it's between you, the counsellor and the 4 walls.
It's your chance to say how you feel without worrying about what people will say, feel or think so use it as a chance to vent and don't be feeling guilty.

Diziet

You don't need to restart your life. It is what it is, the past cannot be changed. But you can make changes from new on. If negative thoughts cone into your head when you think of doing something, let them, but get on and do whatever it is you were planning. Then do something else, and with each step you will get better. Actions matter, your thoughts will follow.

If you just try to change your thoughts without action, nothing changes. Just get on and do the things you want, a step at a time.

To be honest, we never entirely get rid of the need for parental approval, we just learn to manage it better.