Bisexual partner (Mod Note: Post #2)

LegacyUser

Hi,

My wife came out as being bisexual a few years ago. Since then she has been with a few women, but always with me present. It's really just the way it's worked out, we meet couples with similar interests to ourselves.

So recently a girl has come into her life and basically It will lead to them being together.

So, why am I writing This ? I suppose I want to see it any other couples have had similar experiences and the pros and cons of exploring in this way. I don't want to be blind sided by something which I never thought of.

Thanks.

L.Jenkins

Mod Note: Try to keep it civil

baby and crumble

openQ wrote: »

Hi,

My wife came out as being bisexual a few years ago. Since then she has been with a few women, but always with me present. It's really just the way it's worked out, we meet couples with similar interests to ourselves.

So recently a girl has come into her life and basically It will lead to them being together.

So, why am I writing This ? I suppose I want to see it any other couples have had similar experiences and the pros and cons of exploring in this way. I don't want to be blind sided by something which I never thought of.

Thanks.

Well I think the main question really op is are you ok with being In an open relationship? Because if you are then there's nothing we can say. You'll probably have lots of people coming here telling you it's "messed up" or whatever though.

As with any relationship, the boundaries need to be defined by the people in it. It sounds like your wife and you are honest with each other, which is great. It's half the battle. But if you are not ok with your wife and this new woman being together and possibly developing a new, separate relationship that you have no part in, then your wife needs to know. To this point she probably thinks your fine with it all, and maybe you are. So that discussion needs to happen. For lots of people, open relationships work well. So that's pretty much up to you. My relationship is monogamous so I can't really help with experience.

MagicMarker

Does her being bi-sexual mean that she can no longer be monogamous?

How do you feel about the situation OP? I'm not sure you'd be posting here if you were 100% happy.

FairytaleGirl

Bisexuality isnt a licence to be promiscuous. It's no different to liking someone other than your spouse, the sexuality part shouldnt come in to it.

If your wife was straight would you still have an open marriage?If not that may be food for thought.

As baby and crumble said, communication is key and only you and your wife know the deal there. If you are unhappy then you need to speak to your wife about it.

J_E

Open relationships as a concept are fairly tenuous. I've seen it work with some couples (12 years strong) but often it's a license for the other person to cheat on you in a more official capacity. I'd just be careful that you guard your own interests and make them known, if you feel she is taking advantage of this open relationship situation. Also know this is not the 'done thing' or anything like that. There are couples who have a more open sexual relationship but the important thing is that it should be mutual, and that you value your own relationship above that of playing with others.

Mongfinder General

<Snip> Keep it constructive please!!!! </Snip>

eviltwin

Bi-sexual or not the same standards you had for your relationship prior to her coming out still apply.

If you are expecting 100% fidelity then it shouldn't make a difference if the person she is intimate with is male or female, its still a breech of your trust.

Its all about communication as the others have said. If you let the previous incidents slide your wife might think you are okay with her being with women so talk to her before this new situation gets out of hand.

Dr. Shrike

The more I hear (anecdotally) from bisexual people, the more I think that a sizeable number of them have an issue with the two sides of their sexuality acting independently. Which would mean that no matter how much sexual interaction they have with one gender, they'll still crave sexual contact with the other side of their bisexuality.

So it may not be accurate/helpful saying there's no difference between a gay/straight partner wanting to have sex with other people and a bisexual partner wanting contact with other genders. Though there would need to be a proper study done on the problem, to know for sure.

baby and crumble

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

The more I hear (anecdotally) from bisexual people, the more I think that a sizeable number of them have an issue with the two sides of their sexuality acting independently. Which would mean that no matter how much sexual interaction they have with one gender, they'll still crave sexual contact with the other side of their bisexuality.

So it may not be accurate/helpful saying there's no difference between a gay/straight partner wanting to have sex with other people and a bisexual partner wanting contact with other genders. Though there would need to be a proper study done on the problem, to know for sure.

Of the people in my circle of friends that are bisexual, 100% are attracted to both genders! and 100% are monogamous.

Some people are just assholes and will cheat regardless.

stephen_n

I don't feel I have any issue with the sides of my sexuality acting independently, if I'm in a relationship I'm monogamous, I'm still attracted to both genders but have no overriding impulse to act on that attraction, I'm not wired differently just because I'm bi.

OP I think you need to set the boundaries that you are comfortable with, your partners sexuality has no bearing on that what so ever, if she was straight would it?

floggg

Lots of judgment here on the open relationship side it seems.

OP it might work for some, it might not work for others. Who knows here if it will work for you.


The only thing we can say is that it more than likely won't work if you aren't full on board or ok with the idea. You'll need to agree clearly defined boundaries and ensure there is sufficient trust and communication to make that work.

It doesn't necessarily need to be reciprocal as long as you are both happy with the arrangement. But you need to make sure your feelings are taken into account too - it's not just her and her needs that matter.

Oh, and congrats about being mature and understanding about your wife's sexuality. I'm sure it was a curve ball for you at the time.

Just remember there are two of you in this together.

Ambersky

It can be a problem when men dont take the idea of two women together seriously.
I think the curve ball often comes after an initial underestimating of the situation and only develops into a mature understanding after the realisation that what might actually be happening is that the two women are interested in one another.

openQ says
So recently a girl has come into her life and basically It will lead to them being together.

If its all entertainment on all sides, including the other womans entertainment fine, nobody gets hurt or winds up feeling used.
Maybe the Op has been very careful like this but it sounds like he is not sure.
Im saying that I think there is a particular problem when it comes to two women getting together that is different than a heterosexual couple going out and picking up a man. I think a heterosexual woman is more likely to take the fact that her partner is interested in men more seriously and to recognise right from the beginning that this might have an impact on their relationship.

I think people can have open relationships but they like many relationships take a lot of work, openess, personal understanding and honesty. It can take time and experience to get to know yourself well enough to be able to be that honest with yourself and with others.

I dont think bisexuals have to have sex with people of both genders at the same time in order to be happy. In practice I think that people have relationships with people and decide who they want to be with. A relationship with someone of the same sex may be different than a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and this may be a factor for some people in choosing who they want as their primary partner.
Sometimes people need some experience before making a more lasting decision.

The fact that lesbianism is so associated with porn as entertainment is part of the reason that two women together are often not taken seriously. There are many women who can tell you about the experiences they have had in pubs etc of men asking to watch then with their female partner , or of refusing male advances and being told by the guy that he doesnt mind you being lesbian in fact you can bring your girlfriend along too.
Its a common experience for lesbians to be treated in this disrespectful way and it appears to be a common fantasy for men that women cant really be into one another except for their entertainment.

Also The op says

It's really just the way it's worked out, we meet couples with similar interests to ourselves

........ I don't want to be blind sided by something which I never thought of..

There is the possibility of course OP that Your interests may not actually be Her interests, that would be my suggestion for a possible blind siding.