I feel like a horrible wife

AnCiotog

I've been married a year and a half to a wonderful man, who I absolutely love. But I find that I can be so horrible, or maybe I feel I can be. He doesn't see what I see it as at all, but it's bringing me down so much. I sometimes feel I have to work so much harder, because I travel 50 miles a day to work and back, he's a suckler farmer so by its nature there isn't as much to do. He's trying to find other work too, but can't at the minute. He likes to sleep a lot more than I do and I just feel I resent both of those things and let it turn what is a wonderful relationship into me feeling these thoughts and feeling I'm always cranky at him. I should point out that I suffer badly with anxiety and that makes my view of the world a bit more skewed. But basically, I know my husband is perfectly normal but I need to learn to accept that. Maybe i'm still getting used to being married, but I feel my too high expectations of a wonderful man are driving me crazy! Anyone feel like things have changed a bit for them once the initial headiness of marriage goes?

R.D. aka MR.D

I would recommend talking to a professional about your anxiety if you haven't already.

I've been reading a lot of CBT books and I have to say that my relationship has improved a lot because i've learned a lot about my faulty ideas about the world. I expect things that are unrealistic. It's been helpful in my relationship because if i start to feel resentful of my partner, i can start asking myself the real reason why. It's usually something that i'm expecting of him that isn't fair.
I can honestly say we have gone from one fight over something stupid per week to 2 fights in the past 3 months! :pac:

But as i say, if it is really bad then maybe you need to talk to a professional.

AnCiotog

I'm seeing a therapist, and am dropping my anxiety medications at the moment because I'm pregnant, so I definitely need the therapist more at the moment. I am so blessed with my husband, it's just my feelings of myself make me become someone in my head that is horrible to him. he doesn't feel I am, but I do and I want to fix it because he's wondeful. It makes me feel a very selfish person.

Emme

Would you see a marriage counsellor or go to couples counseling? Perhaps your husband doesn't understand the demands of your job and your commute. Of course he can sleep a lot more than you - he doesn't have to get up early for a long commute! If your husband wants to sleep a lot it might interfere with him looking for work.

You are also pregnant which might tire you even more. You say your husband is wonderful but he needs to see that you are wonderful as well. Farmers in Ireland have traditionally taken women for granted For generations farm women helped to run the farm and manage the home including caring for the elderly for generations without recognition. Nowadays farmers wives often contribute more than 50% of the family income and also do some of the above if time allows for it.

Stop beating yourself up. You are working extremely hard and probably contributing more than 50% to the marriage. Couples or marriage counselling might help you both get things in perspective and help your husband realize how hard you are working. It might also help you vocalise your needs - I have a feeling that you are trying to be a perfect wife and that you neglect your needs in the process.

Do you do most of the household chores when you get in from work at weekends? Who cooks dinner? Is he doing his fair share in the house?

I think you may be exhausted and that is contributing to your anxiety. You need to chill out and your husband needs to help you to do this. You are pregnant and you need to take care of yourself.

AnCiotog

He does see that I'm wonderful alright, but my anxiety looks for everything he doesn't do rather than the stuff he does. Yes, farmers probably are like that but I'm a farmer's daughter and always knew that. I am always trying to be the perfect wife, and there is an awful lot of stress that goes with that. I had a terrible time when I was younger with being bullied by people that were meant to be my friends and now I feel I work overtime trying to do the right thing for people! My husband does the things most husbands do, like not seeing cups or towels on the floor etc! There are some jobs he does in the house every single day, but sometimes I feel women are very good at seeing what men don't do, rather than the things they do.

Tokyo

AnCiotog wrote: »

...am dropping my anxiety medications at the moment because I'm pregnant...

You're off your medication.
You're pregnant.

Those are two pretty big life-changing events right there, either one of which could be responsible for your changes in mood. Honestly OP, I don't think that anybody here can advise you in any other way than to see your GP or your therapist as soon as you can. Explain to them how you are feeling about everything as you have done here, and see if they can do anything to help. Your therapist will be familiar with your case and your medication, and will be able to provide you with far more help than we can.

AnCiotog

Yeah I think you're right, I'm going to be chatting to my gp this afternoon. I've gone googling since I've posted this and turns out a lot of pregnant women feel like this in the first trimester. I will talk to him about it though, let him in and tell him how I feel, and ask for some help around the house. After all, he can't help if he doesn't know i feel like this in the first place!

December2012

It seems like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself.

You should try and adjust your expectations - you meant opened cleaning / tidying - are your standards too high right now?

You're hormonal and you're tired so be kind to yourself.

AnCiotog

Yes, I think you've hit it on the head. My standards are way too high, and I recognise that they are which I guess is one good thing. It's my reactions to this that drives me bonkers. My husband is no different to most men I know, the problem is all in my ability to function as a non anxious human being! But I do need to talk to him about it, because I get scared it will ruin us if I don't fix it. And I know in my heart of hearts if I had to live without him it would be the same only about a different issue!

Neyite

You need to acknowledge that your hormones might be all over the place. Being off your medication will also bring about mood changes that you are unused to. You should also discuss with your midwife or GP the possibility you may have ante-natal depression.

It is likely to just be your hormones and coming off the meds, but talk to people - your husband, your GP. If you feel that you cant talk face to face, try a diary that you can show him. He loves you, give him a chance to remind you just why you were over the moon to marry him not so long ago.

CaraMay

Would you get a cleaner in? It would take the pressure off you and solve a lot of those niggles for you.

AnCiotog

I spoke to him. to my shock he didn't see any of the things I had been thinking about the way I felt I was treating him. I spoke to my gp too, but speaking to him is so much more useful today. The relief is great, I felt I was being horrible and constantly on at him! My anxiety levels with family members can often be skewed, but this time I clearly left it tell me i was resenting my wonderful hubby. Our brains are awful when they're powerful in such a negative way, but at least I'm more myself again today.

Thanks for your kind answers everyone, I was in a terrible place yesterday when I wrote it and I actually thought I'd hear some terrible responses back because that's the way I saw myself. There is no doubt that when I am on a downer my expectations are terribly high, but when I'm ok again they're normal. Thank God!

The Corinthian

Your husband is a fortunate man. If more spouses/partners were to pro-actively question themselves occasionally, where it comes to how they relate to their other half (even when there may be nothing wrong), I suspect the traffic on this board would plummet.

AnCiotog

If he was fortunate he wouldn't have an anxiety ridden wife!!!! I'm the fortunate one I think.