wife with kids- want to run far away

LegacyUser

I feel desperate. I feel like I need to get on a plane with the kids and run away.

I am married, mid thirties and have 2 kids.

I cant really believe I am writing this. I need help.

My husband has gone AWOL. Since May, He has tried to kill himself, has refused admittance to a mental institution and is taking anti-depression tablets.

He has gone back in time to his teenage years and talks about music all the time. Plays music he was into loudly and talks about buying new guitars. Not caring about spending money.

He talks about drinking now.. where he never drank really before. He drink before 12 in the afternoon at times.

He gets angry with me over nothing and talks to me like he hates and despises me. Shouts. Can't stand to be in the same room as me. Will think nothing of seeing me walk of crying and never come back to me and ask me if I am ok. Sleeps on the couch. Calls our bedroom "mammy's room" to the kids.

I maybe very weak as a person but all of this has taken an incredible toll on me.. and I feel I cannot cope anymore. I am cracking up.

We used to be so close. I am so alone. So isolated. I just wish I had the opportunity to get out of the country.. leave.

He took off to go to the cinema tonight and hasn't answered any texts. I am at the end of my tether.

I haven't really told anyone and all I do is pretend. Pretend all is fine. I am dying inside.

How do you cope when he doesn't give a damn anymore? How can you make someone care? He takes care of his appearance, cares about his job, his kids.. but couldn't care less about me.

He doesn't sleep or want to go to counselling. We are in this horrible limbo of nothing ever changing or being sorted.

Please help me

CaraMay

I'd love to give you the biggest hug op. You are caught in an awful situation and he sounds like he is suffering some kind of a breakdown.

You need to talk. Who do you trust? A family member / friend? This is too big a load to be carrying on your own.

Would you considering going to see a counsellor yourself to get some help to get your head around this.

Merkin

Has he been officially diagnosed with anything? A sudden shift in personality like that could be attributable to anything from a brain tumor to bipolar. Have you got a family GP you could go and talk to? If I were you then this would be my first port of call.

ABajaninCork

I agree with both posters. Sounds as though your poor hubby's suffering some kind of breakdown.

Before trying to get help for him, you & your children need some support. It can't be good for the kids to see this. Do have any family nearby you could speak to? An appointment to see your GP would be good too, but they may not be too helpful as it's your husband you need to speak about. However, they can offer advice, so worth the call.

I'll have a scout round and get some Mental Health websites that might be helpful. I know a good few UK ones, but not sure about any for here.

If you need to let off steam, then a call to the Samaritans might help too.

ABajaninCork

I've re-read your post, OP. Does your husband have a mental health social worker? If he doesn't then I'd
call them pronto. He may need an intervention under the Mental Health Act.

LegacyUser

Op here,

Thank you so much for all your replies.

I don't care if he's annoyed but I took heed of the advice and I have rang his G.P. I don't know what he tells her - the minimum -I suppose but I have to objectively tell her what has been going on. I know she probably wont discuss anything with me but I am trying to get him to make an appointment this week and I wanted her to have a real idea of whats been going on. He has a repeat prescription for his medication but he doesn't know that so he thinks he is just going back down to get more medication.

I am still waiting for her to call me back. I hope its soon. I feel like sick to my stomach thinking about it. I have to start somewhere.

Maura74

The link for HSE link has got contact details, hope you will be able to get a diagnosis soon.

Take and care and if you need to talk ring the Samaritans as suggested above.

http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/mentalhealth/services/

CaraMay

That's a good start op. They often don't call back til the surgery breaks for lunch but you are right to contact his doctor.

Merkin

When there are mental health issues and you fear for a family member then a GP will discuss this with you.If they invite you to come and see them please do so and please write down all the personality changes and issues that have presented themselves since May.You poor thing, it can't be easy. Talking to the GP is a good first step.

I also meant to say, the GP won't let on you have spoken to her and I'd advise you not to say anything either.If he knows you have then he will think you're ganging up on him and could likely cancel his appointment.Say nothing and let the GP be your guide on this.Good luck x

LegacyUser

My goodness OP, reading your post was almost like looking in a mirror.

My partner of 5 years became depressed mid year, started anti depressants and like you said, it was like he became a teenager all over again. Only wanted to talk about movies and TV, started horsing into drink whereas he never cared for it before and got incredibly angry at the slightest suggestion he wasn't okay. He started accusing me of being unstable and then out of the blue one day he told me he didn't care about me anymore and left instantly. I'm incredibly worried about him but as long as he's gone there's nothing I can do. Thankfully we did not have property or kids together but the grief from the situation is like nothing I have ever felt.

You've done the right thing by telling his doctor. If he is as you say he is it strikes me as unlikely he's sitting down and having a full and frank chat with his GP, or if he is getting good advice from them he's not heeding it. It's probably easy for him to avoid counselling as if he's on anti depressants he may feel fine in his eyes and not want to go digging around in his psyche to drag up trouble. It's easier to mask things than deal with them.

Please get some help for yourself OP. Seeing a counselor can do wonders to make sense of what is happening. Also let your friends and family know. I know I spent a lot of time covering up for my OH and pretending he was fine, but ultimately, I wasn't doing either of us any favours. I'm sorry I can't offer you any solutions, I wish there was one, but you need to look after yourself and kids first and foremost at the moment.

Lux23

Has your OP got close family that you can call on? I know he will be angry with you now, but you need someone to back you up and urge him to get help. The same thing happened to my Dad, it was a midlife crisis and after about a year of us begging him to get help, all it took was his best friend locking him in a room till he admitted that he needed help. He went to St Itas the next day but they didn't admit him, instead he went to AA for a while and took a but of time out.

You also need to take care of yourself and your kids, so get someone to stay with you or stay with them, because you have to get well for the little ones.

LegacyUser

Thats it.

I asked to see his phone tonight in growing desperation in an attempt to get to the bottom of it. There was noting on it like I knew there wouldn't be but we always had the sort of relationship where we would just be able to ask/take each other phone.

My tears are stinging my face as I write this. He said he doesn't know but he doesn't think its going to work out. He doesn't seem to have romantic feeling for me anymore.

"I just really want to be on my own and drink" Quote

"A family doesn't mean anything in terms of our marriage" Quote

I am so devastated I feel like I could be just put asleep right now

Ham Sambo

Either a mid-life crisis or some type of mental issue, it's time to call in family on both sides to help you out, I think you know yourself that this can't continue

MugMugs

I'm very concerned reading this thread OP.

I really genuinely am very worried about you.

Has your partner got any family that you could approach for help? They may be able to convince him to be seen by somebody.

CaraMay

Op please reach out to your friends or family.

LegacyUser

op here

I have told a few people.
Still feel like an absolute failure.
What am I going to do? Live the rest of my life alone watching real families being happy. Knowing I f"cked up my chance at happiness. I am not very good at doing much for myself. He does a lot. I have come to know myself as being a wife and mother. I feel as though y identity has been taken away. Do I change my name back? So now its different from the kids

He said he would go to counselling but it seems very much like has made up his mind about us and our future.

I am utterly devastated.

Thank you for everyone's advice

ischia

My replies are taking too long to show up so I thought I am just going to log in.

op here

I have told a few people.
Still feel like an absolute failure.
What am I going to do? Live the rest of my life alone watching real families being happy. Knowing I f"cked up my chance at happiness. I am not very good at doing much for myself. He does a lot. I have come to know myself as being a wife and mother. I feel as though y identity has been taken away. Do I change my name back? So now its different from the kids

He said he would go to counselling but it seems very much like has made up his mind about us and our future.

I am utterly devastated.

Thank you for everyone's advice and support

Merkin

Did the GP come back to you?

ischia

It didn't really work out the way I imagined actually. He is great at putting his point across and made it seem lke what he was doing was not out of character but he was just feeling down.

On my request he got a referral for a clinical psychiatrist. I have also arranged marriage counselling.

I wasn't allowed go in with him but apparently the doctor said I can see both point you and your wife are making. Any family members I have told and friends think he has lost it. His behaviour is like night and day.

MugMugs

Have him sorted and then focus on your marriagem

It appears your marriage is suffering due to his mental health. Fix the problem before fixing the damage.

And don't be so scared of separating if that's what has to happen. It's certainly not the end of the world! But one step at a time and that man's health urgently needs to be addressed.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I had to post again because your story is just breaking my heart. Well done for telling people and for having a chat with the doctor.

A couple of things to think about OP. Your hubby was obviously in a very bad place to be suicidal but when did the depression start? Was it completely idiopathic (i.e. did it come on for apparently no reason) or was it due to various stresses in his life (work, relationship, money etc.) When did he go on anti depressants and how did he change, if at all, when he went on them? Now that he is taking medication and I assume not on the brink of suicide anymore, is he dealing with the issues that were causing him pain? Ditching his relationship with you does not count as dealing with them. People in their right might just don't up and start sleeping in the couch to avoid their spouse with no explanation.

You are not a failure and this is not your fault. Your husband is not well, depression makes you not give a damn about anything. It's horribly insidious and twists the way you think, but fixing yourself by getting on antidepressants isn't a cure, it's just one piece of the puzzle. Is he in counselling himself? If he's not listening to your concerns and coming out with things like "I just really want to be on my own and drink" does that really sound like a person who has it all together? You're his wife OP, regardless of what he's insisting at the moment you know him and you know if he's doing things wildly out of character, even if if he's insisting that he's fine and knows what he wants.

Thankfully he has agreed to see a psychiatrist. This will hopefully be a step in the right direction. As for yourself OP, you're suffering from a huge shock. Was this building for a long time or did he just come out and tell you one day that he had no feelings for you? Take it one day at a time, and when that's too hard, just take it one hour at a time. Don't blame yourself, but try not to blame him either. He's not well and he possibly can't see that so now isn't the time to be confrontational or angry. It's a time to get help.