To stay or to go - my mother's depression

LegacyUser

I'm in my 30s and when my father was diagnosed with an aggressive, near fatal illness about 18 months ago I returned from overseas to support my mother and look after my father. My mother has struggled with depression for most of her life and the entirety of mine, so it was a prticularly dark time for her and remains so. My problem is that her depression has come to such a head in terms of how it's affecting me that I want to leave, but the guilt of leaving my father (who is recovering, thankfully) alone with her leaves me torn about what to do.

My mother would never harm my father, but her depression makes living with her totally unbearable. She lashes out at me most days, tells the world no-one cares about her or her illness every chance she gets, and talks of harming herself (though I don't think she would ever do that). Anyone who has lived long-term with depression or someone who suffers from it will hopefully understand what I mean, and the daily dramas of it have ground me down to nothing. She is under the care of a psychiatrist and psychotherapist but is currently unmedicated with their approval. She is not a bad person, she is in the depths of a deep period of depression. Supportive though I am of her, and understanding of her illness, I worry that if I left my father to cope with her alone it would be too much for him to take. He is recovering from an aggressive cancer and as we are a small family there isn't really anyone else he could rely on if I weren't around. She has her up days, sure, but she is volatile and when she finds herself in a bad day the vitriol tears and screaming are unending.

I have another sibling who lives nearby but they're not really involved (and don't want to be, even if I was to ask them) so it really is just me and my dad. I find myself crying way more than is usual because of the stress of dealing with her and listening to the dreadful things she says about us all. If there was someone else who could help my dad with her I'd be gone - today. But there isn't. I would feel terribly guilty if I left, but it's breaking me to stay. If anyone has been through something similar or has some words of support I'd really really appreciate it.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you living at home?

Rather than move away, can you just move out? That way you are still close and a support to your dad, but you are not in the house all day everyday.

The Diabolical Monocle

Move out, stay local-ish, visit and stay overnight every second day regular as clockwork.


Tell your sibling he/she owes it to them to visit (and stay over) on occasion and leave it at that.

Obliq

"If there was someone else who could help my Dad with her, I'd be gone"

Jesus OP, you poor thing and your poor Dad too (obviously, poor Mum as well, but she's not going to be part of the solution here, is she?). Can I say that from your description, it seems entirely unreasonable by anyone's standards to expect your dad to cope with such a volatile and negative situation.

Do the psych crowd that have "care" of her know about the reality of your/dad's life at home with your mum? It sounds to me that they must think she's very much better than your description. I really hope that's not taken up as me giving any kind of "medical judgement" or offering medical advice - I'm just saying, wow - your mum's symptoms sound totally overwhelming to live with and do the psych's know this??

Also, how do you think your father is feeling about the prospect of being left living with her with no live in support? I think these things are very important to tell to someone professional, and not necessarily your mum's doctors but your's and your father's too. These are issues affecting your dad's recovery and ongoing health, and your own ability to cope. You don't have to just depend on your mum's docs to determine how things are best dealt with and the class of help you guys need (and you CLEARLY need some serious support mechanism in place, and soon).

So your relatives don't want to be involved. Tell this to your doctor/dad's doctor/whatever professional you speak to and also inform your relatives that you are having to go down this route for your dad's health (and your's). Don't leave them uninformed, or that might bite you on the ass later on. Tell them you are actively seeking help for this situation.

And best of luck hon. Chin up....it's a really tough one on you all and you sound like such a caring individual, under SUCH stress. Take care.

Ps. Print out your words above and bring them to a doctor. Hand to doctor. Explain you had nowhere else to go.