Petty jealously over holiday

LegacyUser

I have a very petty issue I need help getting over. Basically, my boyfriend has gone on holidays for 2 weeks with a friend of his who is a girl. In the first instance, I was cool with it as friends are friends and I don't know why he'd be with me if he didn't want to be. Leading up to the trip though, a few things happened which made me jealous. Firstly, he joked that they'd be sharing a bed which I just assumed they wouldn't do. When he first said it I tried to not let it bother me but it did. So I said it to him a few days later and he got real apologetic and said he was just messing and of course they'd have seperate beds. And I believe him. I don't know why it bothered me, as I know that sharing a bed doesn't mean having an affair, but it really did.

Then on a night out for his birthday, she was out as well. And at the end of the night it was just the 3 of us. We were heading off, I wasn't staying with him that night as I had an early morning commitment, and he said his usual thing of "I like you". Then he turned to her and said, "don't worry I I like you too". Now I know that it's stupid to get upset, but that's always been the thing he said to me to show me that he cared. Again the next day I said that it had upset me and he was again apologetic. That he was a bit drunk and he didn't mean it.

Then on the same night, the girl said to me that she hopes I'm ok with them going and that she has no intentions with him. Which is probably a nice gesture, but I don't know it just upset me. It seemed to imply that if she had intentions that he'd be hers or something. I know that I'm blowing it all out of proportion but I'm finding it really hard to get over it.

Since then though, I've been feeling really insecure about the whole situation. I think from my post, it's clear to see that me and the other girl don't have much of a friendship, which is fine, we don't need to be friends for them to be. I guess I'm afraid that they're going to come back really close and I'll be left out. They're both not from Ireland, and are from the same country, so they speak the same language and get on quite well. So I guess I've always felt a bit left out when the three of us hang out together and that feeling plus me missing him is making it worse. I guess what I'm looking for is help in not being jealous. I never was a jealous person before this and I don't like this feeling.

boomchicawawa

I don't want to stir it up or make you feel bad, but MY GOD you're a very tolerant lady. The fact that you're feeling bad about being jealous is amazing, I think you have every right to go through the whole gamut of jealousy.....They are going on hols together ! Was this booked before you started to go out ? I'm not saying that anything is going on, but this three wheel relationship is not right IMO... You can put your foot down without being dogmatic, would he tolerate you going away with a guy,....I can't see many who would.... As you haven't expressed any negativity about this holiday, I presume it will go ahead, but when he gets back, I would make some changes...

wirelessdude01

Was this booked before you started going out with him? How long are you going out with him?

Cork selfbuild

Hi OP, ya I can see how this would make you feel jealous for sure, as the others asked a bit more info would help...

You say they are foreign, did they come to Ireland together? Are they life long friends? And going on holiday, where? To a city, their home country or a sun island type place? How come he is going on hols with her and not you?

LegacyUser

Hi, Thanks for geeting back to me.

We're going out roughly 9 months. They knew each other before coming to Ireland, but only became friends while over here. He's been in Ireland about a year and a half. I think she was here a bit before that. They became friends as it's always nice to meet someone from home and the hang out about once a week or so for a couple of drinks or to watch the football. So they've been friends longer than we've been going out.

They're going on holidays together as she works for a plane company and can get cheap flights, so they've gone to America together, to Miami and then on to New York. It was an idea of hers what he jumped on and it was only planned in mid-august. At the start I was cool with it, as it's just a holiday. I went away with him in August for a week, so we did go on holidays together. Like I said, I didn't really have a problem with it untill he made those stupid comments and now the jealously is geeting to me.

They've been away since Friday, and I have heard from him. I did tell him before he left that I was feeliing insecure since his comments, and he did say sorry and that he didn't know why he said it. Going to America is pretty cool and I didn't want to stand in his way. He's also the non-jealous kind so I don't think me going on a holiday with another guy would be a big deal, so I honestly don't think he'd freak out about it. He's a very sociable outgoing person where I'd be quieter.

Virgil°

A joke about sleeping in the same bed as another lady? HILARIOUS! :rolleyes: Telling her that "he liked her too"? I'd have brought him up on that there and then.

I wouldn't be happy with his behaviour OP. Could she not get cheap flights for you too? Was it even mentioned as a possibility that you could go?

Honestly OP I don't know how you're containing it as well as you are. I'd probably have burst at the seams if a girlfriend of mine was acting so coupley with another guy.

Emme

OP, where are they both from? It seems that she has always liked him and wants him for herself. Perhaps they are from a country which has a looser interpretation of monogamy than we have in Ireland. Some Latin countries can be very liberal that way. You may be happy with a non-monogamous relationship. However non-monogamous relationships can only work when all parties concerned are 100% honest with each other. This does not appear to be the case here.

I have a feeling you're not being told the full truth here. I don't think this guy is being fair to you. To be honest I think you are putting up with too much and if you want a guy who is 100% faithful then you should look elsewhere.

Tokyo

OP, probably the first time I've posted in this particular forum, but your thread jumped out at me for one reason - your boyfriend and the way he's acting, what he is doing, I used to be that guy, and got away with it for years with various girlfriends. The "relationships" of my past that lasted were whose where I could guilt trip my girlfriend into letting me spend time with other women, going on trips alone, nights out, etc etc. There was nothing innocent about my motives at the time. IF my girlfriend queried it or started getting jealous, I'd tell her that I've always had female friends, it's how I grew up, that she was being irrational, reading too much into it, that if I wanted to be with the other girl I would be, but no, instead I was with her, so on and so forth. I'd come up with reasons why my girlfriend couldn't come along and join us, or set it up in such a way that she already had other engagements. Any of this sounding in any way familiar???

You seriously need to sit down with your guy and explain to him that this is NOT okay, and that if there is any future for you, then hanging out with other girls is something that you should be doing as part of a group. And trust your gut instinct on his responses. If you feel that red flags are being raised, it's time to get the hell out ASAP. Quite a few girls went through **** because of my behaviour, it's one of my biggest regrets in life, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

LegacyUser

Oh god, I feel like some of those silly posters who can't see the truth. I feel like I've portrayed things in a worse light than they are or I'm being too positive about myself. I can say that I trust him 100% and I feel he'd never cheat on me. Even though it reads bad, and I know it does, I think from the nature of posts on the internet I'm leaving out a lot of the little details that shows me he cares. I'm just worried about being jealous of this girl even more in the future and ruining things. I can honestly say that I've never been so happy with anyone before or felt like we have a future together.

They're both from Germany, so not extremely different than Ireland. We did have the exclusivity chat when we first started going out and we agreed that being exclusive was important for us. I honestly don't think he's cheating on me, he's such an affectionate guy and he's always telling and showing me that I'm important to him. And he says that he can see a future for us, where I'm the one who is always more contained with my emotions.

I told him the next day how much what he said upset me. I didn't bring it up at the time as he was quite drunk and it was late and I didn't want a fight with him in the middle of town with her there also. He was really sorry the next day and said he didn't know why he said it, that he doesn't like her like that, that she's more like a little sister and that he was genuinely upset that I was hurt.

She could only get tickets for herself and one other person, so it wasn't even mentioned for me to go. Though even if it was I wouldn't have as I can't afford the time off work right now or the trip.

mike_ie I really appreciate your advice. It's not exactly like that though. I mean he doesn't try and guilt me or anything, like I said friends are friends and usually I'm invited to everything I just choose not to go all the time as I like some alone time myself. I think when he gets home I'm going to sit down with him and well him how I feel and how much what he said to her hurt me.
And I guess I'll know the truth by his reaction.

I have to say, I wasn't expecting people to be advising me to be careful when I originally posted, I just assumed people would tell me to stop being silly and try not to let my jealously ruin the relationship so I'm finding this all very confusing. Sorry if it seems like I'm ignoring all your advice, I'm not and I'm going to seriously think about it and see if any red flags are raised. Thanks for all your posts so far. Even if I'm not sure I agree with them, it's nice to know what I'm not completely crazy being jealous.

AlphabetSoup2

Pathetically_Jealous wrote: »

Firstly, he joked that they'd be sharing a bed which I just assumed they wouldn't do. When he first said it I tried to not let it bother me but it did. So I said it to him a few days later and he got real apologetic and said he was just messing and of course they'd have seperate beds.

Do they have separate rooms?

meeeeh

I slept in the same room or even bed with my male friends. For very romantic reasons like nobody else being able to sleep in the same room with one friend because his snoring is so loud. Luckily my bf was never insecure enough to dump me because he is the only one I have any romantic feelings for or I want to have sex with.

Tbh I'd be raging for being left at home when he is jet setting around with someone else but I honestly don't think anything is going on between them.

December2012

I don't really see what he has done as so wrong. He made some bad jokes, I'm sure we all have said or done insensitive things. He was sorry and otherwise everything is good.

From what you say it doesn't appear as if he has done anything to indicate he prefers her to you.

Even if she has a motive to get your boyfriend doesn't mean he would do anything.

I can understand the jealousy though. It's a great trip and you may be jealous anyway if he was gone on it with a male friend.

Just try to stay calm - there's nothing you can do about this now. See what happens when he's back,

im confused again

Ok so he knew her before you. And you have no problem with them being friends, so all good there.

But going away, just the two of them, on a trip like that, in my opinion is totally inappropriate. It's not necessarily a trust issue. But There are some things you just don't do when you are in a relationship and in my opinion that is one of them. I know loads of people will disagree but that's just my opinion.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is cheating, most definitely I am not saying that but I just think it's not fair to you and if I was you I wouldn't be happy either.

Tokyo

Pathetically_Jealous wrote: »

Oh god, I feel like some of those silly posters who can't see the truth. I feel like I've portrayed things in a worse light than they are or I'm being too positive about myself. I can say that I trust him 100% and I feel he'd never cheat on me.

None of my exes felt that I would cheat on them either. Until I did, and got caught.

I'm leaving out a lot of the little details that shows me he cares.

I cared very much for every girl that I was in a relationship with. I just wasn't very good at being faithful to them.

They're both from Germany, so not extremely different than Ireland.

German girls get pissed off when their boyfriends go off on holidays with other women too, trust me on this one. It's not a cultural difference. And I used to make dumbass comments long the lines of "I love you, and you too" when I had a few pints - it was a mind game.

And he says that he can see a future for us, where I'm the one who is always more contained with my emotions.

My go-to line when I got the sense that any girl was having doubts about my intentions.

I'm not trying to sound like a dick, and I'm not saying that your boyfriend has jumped into bed with someone else, but you don't have to sleep with someone to cheat on them. Cheating, in my opinion at least, is where your focus is on another girl or guy, where it should be on your partner. I don't particularly buy into the "we could only get one extra ticket" thing either, surely between the three of you (or even between you and your boyfriend) you could have covered the costs of the third ticket.

To everyone else that says they've shared beds, couches, whatever with members of the opposite sex who were "just friends" and nothing happened, great! Glad it worked out for you. But, to the OP, consider this - your boyfriend is heading off on holidays with another woman, they are going to be together far away from home, from you. At the very least they'll be in adjoining rooms, and I'm sure that partying and alcohol will be involved along the way. It's not a huge step to see the potential of what may very well happen. Sorry to put it like that, but I am being realistic. Part of being in an adult relationship is not putting yourself in the path of temptation in the first place.

I'll repeat what I said earlier - what he is doing is wrong. If you are in it for the long haul to the point where he is telling you that he can see a future with you together, then right now you should both be discussing YOUR holiday plans together this year, rather than where he's heading off to with another girl, while you're fretting about it over the internet. It's decision time for you two... good luck.

LegacyUser

Hey op,

Not a frequent poster, but thought id jump in here.

You sound like a really understanding girl. And it's great you trust your bf.

I've been in a similar situation, being with my gf for 3 yrs and went on hols with a female friend.

The best way to look at it is if there was an attraction then they would have been together already.

I think it was decent that the girl approached you to say she had no intentions and by the sounds of it she wasn't having a "dig" just trying to dispell any fears you may have.

Hope your not to worried /anxious about the holiday and things work out great in the future!