Friends and birthday

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'll start off by saying I realise how ridiculous this sounds even more so compared to some of the serious problems that others have here. I guess I'm hopeful that a good vent will clear my head. I really need a blog.

I'll try and keep this as short as possible a little background first, I am aware that I hero worship people. Certain people I work for and so on but none more so then my six friends who we all go back 15 years when we met in college. We really have been through it all, death of close friends ,family, illness, marriage failures and always been there for each other.

Now, I live an hour away from the rest who would probably see each other once a week while I'd catch up with them maybe once a month or a bit more. Fair to say some of them would be closer to each other then me but in my mind anyway we were all like brothers and after being a bit of an outcast in school I really did feel blessed to have such a close group of friends.

Fast forward to last weekend and its my birthday nothing big but we take birthdays some-bit serious so we get taxi's with our wives and few other mates to Kilkenny for a fancy dinner country pub on the way back and home. Now the thing is (and I state again I know how stupid this is) on the night only one said happy birthday and none of them bought me a drink. To put it in perspective since we first started going out i'd say we pay for the drinks of the guy's birthday all night and throw money in a card. Without fail it's never happened any other way.

I didn't get the card but it does happen that we leave the card till the next meet up to not make people outside of the friends feel awkward so that didn't bother me in the slightest but not being bought a drink has really upset me. I tried not to show it on the night and I think nobody knew but since then I just feel like i have been deflated.

We all do quite well so it wouldn't have been money issues and its important to note that if one or two of them had forgotten I would have never have even noticed its just all of them either says they decided beforehand not too or none of them really cared enough to remember. I dunno what I hope to achieve by putting this up but any comments will be greatly appreciated.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I kind of know how you feel, it's my birthday next weekend, and after a foul year, I wanted to do something fun for my birthday. Decided to do an Ann Summers party and invite all the girls. I mentioned this to my best friend, and her boyfriend suggested to have it in his house as he was away for a weekend at a football match in England and we would have no guys interrupting us. Grand, sounded like a plan.. Until my best friend text me, to tell me she was excited for our night out, that she was ordering food in that night and we could split the cost between us all. Then announced we would be leaving the Ann Summers party as its "too expensive" and it'd be better to just have drink and food at her boyfriends, and head into town then.

So, what I did? I've mentally cut her off, stopped being her friend. I don't reply to her on Facebook, I rarely write back to her in text, and when I do, it's non chatty and to the point. She knows there's something up and hopefully she'll get the message soon and stop trying to be my friend. For me, I'm more upset about how little I meant to her (we don't get to go out much together at all, she has a baby and I'm usually busy) that one night I made plans for my birthday and she dogged it.

Now - I am not suggesting you cut out your friends over a few drinks, but tbh if I was in your situation, it's what I'd do. I guess, the two more stable answers would be
1. Tell them your hurt. They're your friends, they won't think any less of you.
2. Wait til their birthday rolls round and do exactly the same to them.

Typer Monkey

LexieOnRale wrote: »

So, what I did? I've mentally cut her off, stopped being her friend. I don't reply to her on Facebook, I rarely write back to her in text, and when I do, it's non chatty and to the point. She knows there's something up and hopefully she'll get the message soon and stop trying to be my friend. For me, I'm more upset about how little I meant to her (we don't get to go out much together at all, she has a baby and I'm usually busy) that one night I made plans for my birthday and she dogged it.

How totally passive agressive and childish! Are you going to bother telling her that you've decided not to be her friend anymore before she orders the food for the birthday party she's hosting for you. Mature people discuss their issues with each other not go into a huff until the offender guesses what's wrong.

Anyway back to the OP, were these people out specifically for a get together for your birthday? Then they were acknowledging your birthday by their very presence there no? Yes it would've been nice to say happy birthday to you but they went to the effort to attend your night.

I have a close group of four friends and we used to exchange birthday gifts and go for dinner/drinks to mark it but as we got into our mid thirties the present became the same gift voucher for the blanchardstown centre and it might aswell have been the same voucher just circulated around. As my birthday is first in the year I told them not to bother one year as it was just going through the motions and everyone was agreed and relieved tbh. As regards the night out to celebrate, life and children have gotten in the way and we generally go out with our partners and whoever can make it along attends with no big deal made if people can't attend.

I think expecting a huge birthday fuss as an adult is a little childish, sorry. However if it is upsetting you maybe mention it to your friends. Whatever you do don't take the approach of the poster I've quoted above as it sounds like the approach of a petulant teenage girl!

LegacyUser

^^ sorry but that is terrible advice and immature..

OP it happens, people haven't the money these days to spend on themselves never mind their friends! My brother has his stag night and only one drink was bought for him, his pals apologised as they didn't have enough money to be spending on his drinks aswell as their own.

They did not mean anything by it as I'm sure you are well aware, they all made the trip down to Kilkenny with you! It's not like it was malicious or anything! I think you need to realise that people can't just throw money around if they don't have it! I don't know your friends financial circumstances but that's my take on it!

Typer Monkey

Big deal out of nothing wrote: »

^^ sorry but that is terrible advice and immature..

I'm gonna assume you are referring to Lexie's post here and not mine as the substance of your advice tallies with mine ;-)

ibarelycare

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I kind of know how you feel, it's my birthday next weekend, and after a foul year, I wanted to do something fun for my birthday. Decided to do an Ann Summers party and invite all the girls. I mentioned this to my best friend, and her boyfriend suggested to have it in his house as he was away for a weekend at a football match in England and we would have no guys interrupting us. Grand, sounded like a plan.. Until my best friend text me, to tell me she was excited for our night out, that she was ordering food in that night and we could split the cost between us all. Then announced we would be leaving the Ann Summers party as its "too expensive" and it'd be better to just have drink and food at her boyfriends, and head into town then.

So, what I did? I've mentally cut her off, stopped being her friend. I don't reply to her on Facebook, I rarely write back to her in text, and when I do, it's non chatty and to the point. She knows there's something up and hopefully she'll get the message soon and stop trying to be my friend. For me, I'm more upset about how little I meant to her (we don't get to go out much together at all, she has a baby and I'm usually busy) that one night I made plans for my birthday and she dogged it.

Now - I am not suggesting you cut out your friends over a few drinks, but tbh if I was in your situation, it's what I'd do. I guess, the two more stable answers would be
1. Tell them your hurt. They're your friends, they won't think any less of you.
2. Wait til their birthday rolls round and do exactly the same to them.

You cut your friend off because she couldn't afford to do something for your birthday, even though she made alternative arrangements for you? Sounds like she's better off...

Faith

I can understand how you feel, OP, but as we get older, birthdays get much less important. It's nice for it to be acknowledged, but by your mid-30's, I'd think it's great that your friends will still get together and travel to celebrate it. I'm in my mid 20s and most of my friends have pretty much stopped having 'birthday events'. They might invite people for a drink the weekend of their birthday, but that's about it.

However, you can always mention it to them if it's really bothering you. Better to say it straight out than be passive-aggressive and let it fester. Bring it up the next time you meet them. DO NOT just act like a child and refuse to buy them drinks the next time it's one of their birthdays.

ash23

It's my birthday this weekend and I was looking forward to a big celebration as I missed my 30th because I was undergoing tests for a medical problem. Since then, I've been diagnosed with a serious illness and also had a bad breakup.

But between one thing and another (someone elses big birthday, the All Ireland final and more hospital tests for me on Monday) I'm not doing anything for my birthday.

Am I put out? Yeah, a little if I'm honest. For various 30ths I really put myself out for other people and travelled to be with them etc. So I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little depressing to just be forgotten about. I'll get cards and birthday wishes by text, I'll get phone calls and everything, but on the day itself, I'll probably be home alone. There's no night out planned or celebrations pending.

But then again, other people have stuff going on in their own lives and a birthday isn't important in the grand scheme of things. People were supportive to me when I needed them and that's what is important, not my birthday.

OP, if your friends made the effort to come and celebrate with you, travelling to go out and making sure you had a celebration, then I wouldn't be too hard on them about no card or not gushing with birthday wishes.
Ok, it'd be nice to be made a fuss of but it's not the end of the world.
Move on from it.

LegacyUser

Op here,

Thanks all for the replies. Its a good point that it wasn't a cheap night by any means and by turning up its enough of a happy birthday. With regards the drinks if it was decided that we not bother anymore it wouldn't bother me. I didn't expect it because i want them to fuss over me i just expected it because its what we do. If they were happy just having nights out and not really celebrating it.

I think what is bothering me with it is that due to the diatance that i mentioned and some of them go back to friends from when they were kids I'm forgotten about a little bit. It's perfectly understandable and I have a happy life with my family and job that i enjoy its never been an issue. It's just i guess the night out with that mind probably made me realise that we aren't all "like brothers" some of them are and I'm a really good mate.

I certainly wouldn't say anything, they definitely didn't do anything wrong or malicious it's probably i have things built up in my head. It's best just to get over it and when the next birthday comes around see what everyone does. I have a feeling it'll be the "old way" with a big fuss made and I'll just enjoy it and carry on like we always did.

Thanks a million again for the replies.

woodchuck

feelingletdown wrote: »

Fast forward to last weekend and its my birthday nothing big but we take birthdays some-bit serious so we get taxi's with our wives and few other mates to Kilkenny for a fancy dinner country pub on the way back and home.

Is Kilkenny far to travel for you all? Even if it's not very far a taxi anywhere is quite expensive. Also a fancy dinner sounds expensive to me too. Not only did they make the effort to spend your birthday with you, but it sounds like they spent quite a lot of money to do it.

feelingletdown wrote: »

We all do quite well so it wouldn't have been money issues

You can never really know what is going on with other people financially OP. Everybody is feeling the pinch these days. Maybe buying drinks for the birthday boy/girl has been the norm until now, but maybe they've realised that this is causing them to live beyond their means. Buying a drink or two might not sound like much, but it adds up over multiple birthdays in a year on top of everything else. If they had decided this themselves it was poor form of them not to tell you. But if you bring it up I think you'll just sound like a spoilt child. Best to just let well enough alone.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

ibarelycare wrote: »

You cut your friend off because she couldn't afford to do something for your birthday, even though she made alternative arrangements for you? Sounds like she's better off...

No, I cut off my friend because after a whole year of stress and bad things, I had organised something to do with all the girls, and something she had agreed to all along, until she realised the weekend I was having my birthday was the weekend she'd have a free house at her boyfriends place and then she completely took over, telling me to do the AS night "next month", it wasnt an alternative plan for my birthday. It was a "session" in hers because her boyfriend wasnt there. She had a baby the end of last year and from the time I found out she was pregnant every week I would buy one or two baby things right up until about 3 weeks before she was due, baby monitor, vests, newborn bottle starter kit, muslin cloths bibs socks sudocreme Milton cotton balls baby gros ect, and then little outfits for the child when it was born and afterwards, like I said in the original post
1. I didn't recommend what I did, and offered more advise
2. I'm more upset that she would cancel my birthday plans knowing how tough this years been, because she had a free house (and needed me to let people she was inviting stay in my house cause she didn't want people back in hers the next morning) and obviously wanted to have a house party herself and that we would do my birthday "next month".

Taltos

Lexie & Ibarelycare - please stay on topic to the OP here. No more discussion please on another issue, if you want advise please open your own thread but don't hijack this one.

Thanks
Taltos

ongarboy

feelingdown wrote: »

It's best just to get over it and when the next birthday comes around see what everyone does. I have a feeling it'll be the "old way" with a big fuss made and I'll just enjoy it and carry on like we always did.

Hmmm, OP I'm not sure you have fully resolved this issue if you are treating it as a once off and live in the hope that next year they will revert to treating you to birthday drinks/wishes as in the past and make the big fuss that you seem to very much desire. You seem to put a lot of weight on birthday acknowledgements. Apart for landmark birthdays, I strongly believe most people by the time they've passed their 20s are fairly indifferent to them. Sure, your bunch of mates continued it into their 30s (rare for girls to do this, even rarer for guys I would think).

Perhaps with the evolution of time and as your mates increasingly have to buy more elaborate birthday presents for their children's birthdays/christmas etc along with the financial squeeze most are experiencing, buying drinks or even acknowledging birthdays (on top of the fact they have already paid for a night out in a nice restaurant etc to meet with you) is just not a viable option. I firmly believe they are not doing this out of a reduced respect they have for you. I think if you had stronger self esteem, you would not feel so hard done by.

By already setting yourself up for a "big fuss" in 12 months time is only doing yourself a disservice. Celebrate instead the fact you still have a great bunch of friends that still meets up regularly and really enjoy your company (once a month is a great frequency for married parented people to still meet their old college mates) and try not to focus on or measure the validity of a friendship by how big a fuss they make of you on a 30something birthday. You could lose more than just a birthday drink, if you verbalise or convey a dissattisfaction to your friends for something most people would not see as a big deal. For the record, I have a bunch of friends from college, we have great reunions a couple of times a year, still respect eachother greatly but we never acknowledge eachother's birthdays (we last did so in college). It doesn't undermine the friendship whatsoever.

LegacyUser

ongarboy wrote: »

Hmmm, OP I'm not sure you have fully resolved this issue if you are treating it as a once off and live in the hope that next year they will revert to treating you to birthday drinks/wishes as in the past and make the big fuss that you seem to very much desire. You seem to put a lot of weight on birthday acknowledgements. Apart for landmark birthdays, I strongly believe most people by the time they've passed their 20s are fairly indifferent to them. Sure, your bunch of mates continued it into their 30s (rare for girls to do this, even rarer for guys I would think).

Perhaps with the evolution of time and as your mates increasingly have to buy more elaborate birthday presents for their children's birthdays/christmas etc along with the financial squeeze most are experiencing, buying drinks or even acknowledging birthdays (on top of the fact they have already paid for a night out in a nice restaurant etc to meet with you) is just not a viable option. I firmly believe they are not doing this out of a reduced respect they have for you. I think if you had stronger self esteem, you would not feel so hard done by.

By already setting yourself up for a "big fuss" in 12 months time is only doing yourself a disservice. Celebrate instead the fact you still have a great bunch of friends that still meets up regularly and really enjoy your company (once a month is a great frequency for married parented people to still meet their old college mates) and try not to focus on or measure the validity of a friendship by how big a fuss they make of you on a 30something birthday. You could lose more than just a birthday drink, if you verbalise or convey a dissattisfaction to your friends for something most people would not see as a big deal. For the record, I have a bunch of friends from college, we have great reunions a couple of times a year, still respect eachother greatly but we never acknowledge eachother's birthdays (we last did so in college). It doesn't undermine the friendship whatsoever.

Sorry, that didn't actually read the way i mean't it. What i was trying to say that the next birthday within the group of friends ill just go along with the big fuss like we always have for his birthday. I certainly wouldn't live in hope of next year. Just forget about it and move on and enjoy the next birthday of mine for what it is.
Without any expectations. Thanks for the help.

ongarboy

Ah, apologies, I read you wrong then. Sounds like you're putting a bit of perspective on the situation then. The fact you all meet up for birthdays is great enough. Anything extra is just a bonus.