How should I respond to this first date cancellation?

GlobalSun

Hi everyone,

So I recently met a guy online. We talked everyday for about a month before meeting up (it wasn't a date). At the end of the meet up, he asked me out on a date. I agreed. This was two weeks ago.

He kept on messaging me almost everyday after this meet up, bringing up this first date prospect everytime we talked. We finally planned to see each other tomorrow.

However, I got a text from him yesterday saying

:
"Hey, I need to reschedule the date to another day because I'm taking off to [wherever] with my friends, won't be back until next Thursday ". That's the exact text he sent me.

His text was quite unapologetic. Hence, I don't know how to respond. It's quite tricky as I find it a slightly bit rude.

Any advice?

Thank you.

JustAThought

GlobalSun wrote: »

Hi everyone,

So I recently met a guy online. We talked everyday for about a month before meeting up (it wasn't a date). At the end of the meet up, he asked me out on a date. I agreed. This was two weeks ago.

He kept on messaging me almost everyday after this meet up, bringing up this first date prospect everytime we talked. We finally planned to see each other tomorrow.

However, I got a text from him yesterday saying

:
"Hey, I need to reschedule the date to another day because I'm taking off to [wherever] with my friends, won't be back until next Thursday ". That's the exact text he sent me.

His text was quite unapologetic. Hence, I don't know how to respond. It's quite tricky as I find it a slightly bit rude.

Any advice?

Thank you.

JustAThought

JustAThought wrote: »

GlobalSun wrote: »

Hi everyone,

So I recently met a guy online. We talked everyday for about a month before meeting up (it wasn't a date). At the end of the meet up, he asked me out on a date. I agreed. This was two weeks ago.

He kept on messaging me almost everyday after this meet up, bringing up this first date prospect everytime we talked. We finally planned to see each other tomorrow.

However, I got a text from him yesterday saying

Either he's got cold feet, or had second thoughts. I ding think this text shows a lot of promise for him being a thoughtful, well brought up, considerate , respectful guy.

But that's just me. I'd respond with silence. Permanently.

Meauldsegosha

I would reply and say something along the lines of "Enjoy the weekend. How about we reschedule for next Wed/Thurs." If he doesn't confirm cut him loose.

Esoteric_

In fairness, you guys aren't dating yet, and if I was asked to go on a girly weekend with my friends, around a time when a first date was scheduled, I'd rearrange the first date, too.

Like Meauldsegosha said, text him back to confirm a date. If he doesn't confirm it, forget about him.

judgefudge

I don't see the issue really? He obviously got invited away last minute or something and he's texting to reschedule. Give the fella a break! Like someone else said send him a text saying have a good time and ask when you can rearrange to.

I don't think off the face of that text you can assume his messing you around. Give him the benefit of the doubt

dellas1979

It is more disspointing than anything for you, as you were looking forward to it (naturally). But, in this case he didnt leave you hanging/wondering, was open about it, and wants to reschedule. So, I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

GlobalSun

Thanks for your help guys

I ended up texting him and telling him we could reschedule our date. Except, it's not going to be a date just because it's too much pressure and whenever someone cancels due to unexepected reasons, the recipient always takes it the wrong way.

I suspected he got cold feet. Hence, I downgraded our next get together as a "hang out" and told him we'll schedule this later. This way, if he flakes on me the second time when it's not even a date, I'll cut him off.

CaraMay

That was a very intense response for this stage of the game.

djimi

GlobalSun wrote: »

Hence, I downgraded our next get together as a "hang out"

Whats the difference?

GlobalSun

Oh, no. That's what I'm telling you guys on the board, my personal explanation. That's obviously not what I wrote on the text. I just went for :

" No biggie

Hope you're having fun with your mates

No date next time, I'd rather hang out without a specific etiquette. So whatever floats your boat regarding rescheduling.

Enjoy your break! ".


I know date or hang out or whatever is just a label, but I think he got cold feet when he realized it was going to be a date.

Gordon

Wasnt the first hookup a "date"? I don't understand how you can downgrade a 'date' to be a 'hang out', surely they are the same thing - two people meeting up for relaxation purposes?

GlobalSun

djimi wrote: »

Whats the difference?

Hang out means, just as friends.

Date has this whole " romantic " vibe to it, more pressure.

Yes, I'm over analyzing the situation here.

GlobalSun

Gordon wrote: »

Wasnt the first hookup a "date"? I don't understand how you can downgrade a 'date' to be a 'hang out', surely they are the same thing - two people meeting up for relaxation purposes?

It wasn't a date, meeting him where he works is hardly a date.

It's all about expectations. You have more expectations when you go on a date than when you go hang out as friends. I probably shouldn't read Cosmopolitan anymore.

Gordon

GlobalSun wrote: »

It wasn't a date, meeting him where he works is hardly a date.

It's all about expectations. You have more expectations when you go on a date than when you go hang out as friends. I probably shouldn't read Cosmopolitan anymore.

Hehe, I think you may be over analysing, a guy will most likely see any and every hook up a potential date.

Although it was sudden cancelling like that, looks like it could be a special event with his mates. Reschedule your next.. Appointment and take it from there, IMO.

Merkin

GlobalSun wrote: »

Oh, no. That's what I'm telling you guys on the board, my personal explanation. That's obviously not what I wrote on the text. I just went for :

" No biggie

Hope you're having fun with your mates

No date next time, I'd rather hang out without a specific etiquette. So whatever floats your boat regarding rescheduling.

Enjoy your break! ".


I know date or hang out or whatever is just a label, but I think he got cold feet when he realized it was going to be a date.

You have needlessly shot yourself in the foot with such a bizarre and head wrecking response.Your level of intensity aimed at this situation and towards a person you haven't even been out with yet is totally unwarranted.You should definitely stop reading Cosmo if this is the type of relationship advice you're gleaning from it tbh....!

GlobalSun

Merkin wrote: »

You have needlessly shot yourself in the foot with such a bizarre and head wrecking response.Your level of intensity aimed at this situation and towards a person you haven't even been out with yet is totally unwarranted.You should definitely stop reading Cosmo if this is the type of relationship advice you're gleaning from it tbh....!

I know. But I don't really care much because I'm not looking for a relationship with this person, at all. So if he wants to drop it, God bless.
Anyway, I wanted him to understand that I was just interested in a "friendly" way. Nothing more. To let him down easily.


And yeah, the hang out vs date came from Cosmo, or it's just an American distinction.

LegacyUser

I'd be inclined to agree with the previous poster op, your reply comes across needlessly dramatic and quite high maintenance tbh, you had the audacity to cancel on me so now I'm downgrading you kind of vibe. what's done is done but I wouldn't be expecting him to reschedule in all honesty, I certainly wouldn't entertain such a response from a guy I'd only met once!. Maybe the lesson here is that nobody owes anyone anything at such an early stage of dating, it's easy to think you know someone better than you actually do when you've been chatting online, but you really don't. it's probably unwise to put so much stock in someone you've only met once, when at the end of the day he's practically a stranger.

Meauldsegosha

GlobalSun wrote: »

I know. But I don't really care much because I'm not looking for a relationship with this person, at all. So if he wants to drop it, God bless.
Anyway, I wanted him to understand that I was just interested in a "friendly" way. Nothing more. To let him down easily.


And yeah, the hang out vs date came from Cosmo, or it's just an American distinction.

OP that makes no sense your first was asking for advice because he cancelled a date and his text wasn't apologetic enough and was rude. Now you say you don't want to date him so why care that he cancelled the date. You seem very confused about the whole thing.

GlobalSun

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

OP that makes no sense your first was asking for advice because he cancelled a date and his text wasn't apologetic enough and was rude. Now you say you don't want to date him so why care that he cancelled the date. You seem very confused about the whole thing.

I'm indeed confused. I was disappointed when he cancelled the date but I realized it's probably my ego that was hurt, like some kind of rejection. I was just looking forward to seeing him regardless of the context.

But objectively speaking, I'm just looking for a casual sort of friendship so him cancelling shouldn't have bothered me. But it somehow did.

EireIceMan

So you're looking for a friendship not a relationship, well why organise a date then OP? Story keeps changing, Methinks you're not getting the replies you want.

thefeatheredcat

GlobalSun wrote: »

No date next time, I'd rather hang out without a specific etiquette. So whatever floats your boat regarding rescheduling.

Either I'm from another century but I think it's completely unnecessary to say stuff like " no date next time I'd rather hang out without a specific etiquette" I mean, I'd be scratching at my head wondering wtf does she mean? You could have expressed yourself using more common every day terminology not cryptic code that has to be deciphered to be understood as to what you mean. "no problem, we can arrange meeting up or something later" or something would have been more appropriate, more casual and less like him blowing you off has bothered you, considering you've only met like once. It comes off as a bit passive aggressive.

GlobalSun wrote: »

I'm indeed confused. I was disappointed when he cancelled the date but I realized it's probably my ego that was hurt, like some kind of rejection. I was just looking forward to seeing him regardless of the context.

But objectively speaking, I'm just looking for a casual sort of friendship so him cancelling shouldn't have bothered me. But it somehow did.

It's understandable that you may be disappointed when he's blown you off for a date he suggested..... and maybe that's it, he suggested a date, not plans to meet up as friends which is what you said you were really looking for, not date as in romantic suggestions leading to a relationship. If you had arranged to meet up as friends and nothing more by his suggestion, would you be as equally disappointed and confused? It's possible that subconsciously you were looking for more than what consciously you are letting yourself believe, but don't want to believe that to protect yourself. Hence your regard for his initial blow off text as rude and unapologetic because it didn't place your date as more important than a weekend with friends as in line with expectations you aren't being upfront with yourself on, hence why you feel and hence your rather cold puzzling response.

I think you're already quite invested in something that isn't a something.

If he doesn't get back to you, there's no great loss on your part. But you owe it to yourself to be honest with what you feel, consciously. So what if you liked the guy more than you're prepared to let on and he blew you off, and feel disappointed, it's his loss if he doesn't get back to you. Just don't lower yourself to bizarre but obviously hurt by rejection cryptic texts, he and others might not find you as appealing after receiving them.

GlobalSun

hjjsjsnsn wrote: »

I'd be inclined to agree with the previous poster op, your reply comes across needlessly dramatic and quite high maintenance tbh, you had the audacity to cancel on me so now I'm downgrading you kind of vibe. what's done is done but I wouldn't be expecting him to reschedule in all honesty, I certainly wouldn't entertain such a response from a guy I'd only met once!. Maybe the lesson here is that nobody owes anyone anything at such an early stage of dating, it's easy to think you know someone better than you actually do when you've been chatting online, but you really don't. it's probably unwise to put so much stock in someone you've only met once, when at the end of the day he's practically a stranger.

It's not so much about the cancellation part, it's about the lack of respect. Not even a "sorry". The cancellation in itself comes secondary, it's not the source of my issue. My issue is how disrespectful he was when he cancelled on me. An apology shows you have good manners and you respect other people's time. Is it too much to ask? I mean, stranger or no stranger, when you cancel on someone, you apologize. You don't make the whole text revolve around how your boss gave you a week break because you trained the newbie so well and you're employee of the month.

A little "I'm sorry but I have to cancel our date due to xyz reason" would have been much better and I wouldn't have been bothered. I don't want to go on a date with someone who doesn't even know the basics of good manners.

Of course I'm not more important than his friends, I'm just a stranger he just met. I'm not this delusional or high maintenance. But the fact that he makes it all about him is the cherry on top considering that when we first met, he was only talking about himself already.

Also, he's the one who asked me out (real time) and decided to go on a date. I didn't mention the word date, he did. Yes, I did agree to go on a date with him but I set boundaries for myself. Yes, it was a date in his mind but for me, it was just an opportunity to see him. Maybe the word "date" emphasized the importance of our meet up, which I was not prepared to apparently.
I was intially looking for friendship and the word "date" probably screwed with my mind.

I agree, maybe I'm looking for something more than what I'm letting myself believe, it's a possibility. My walls tend to come up whenever I feel like I'm going to get screwed over, hence this "puzzling" and cold response. This is how I act with just anybody, family, friends or romantic encounters.

In the end, he said "Hang out, date or whatever, it all sounds good to me!". Told him we'll schedule this later, and left it there.

OP you seem to have responded and sorted out this issue so I'll close the thread now.

All the best