Best friend having affair with married man

LegacyUser

Over the weekend, my best friend of 15 years told me that she has been having an affair with a married man for - on and off - approx 1.5 years. To say I'm shocked is an understatement.

There is some background here which I think needs to be taken into consideration. My friend "stole" her last boyfriend from his fiancee. I fell out with her about it, questioned her behaviour but ultimately supported her. In the end, the last boyfriend eventually cheated on her with someone else and took a lot of money from her.

My friend suffered abuse as a child. She is also from a family that seems to have addiction issues - drugs, alcohol. I encouraged my friend to seek counselling about the abuse last year - which she did. I had voiced concerns to her about the behaviour she demonstrated with the last boyfriend, saying that I feel she equates love with "bad love" (i.e. people who are committed to another). I thought she was making progress and admired her for going and talking about her problems. All the while though she was carrying on with this married man.

I'm still really processing it. How could she do this. The married man has children. She is just so flippant - at the weekend she actually said that "boredom" motivated her - to which I asked, I'm sure his wife would like to hear that. The married man is saying the same old stuff to her - that he has never loved anyone like her, and if it was a different world / if he didn't have a child, he would leave his wife in an instant. I don't know how she can sit there and believe him. I feel utterly awful for his wife. I feel like I am complicit now with my knowledge and subsequent silence.

Basically, I thin she has been taken in by this older (by 10 years) married man. But I think she has been willing to do it - she thinks she knows her own mind - and ultimately I think her actions say she is deeply insecure, unhappy and has low morals and no consideration for others. I think she is a good person though and I think she has been taken advantage of.

What do I do here? How can I help her get out of this mess? Now that I know, I can't leave it alone until she ends it. I'm so disappointed in her.

banie01

disappointed friend wrote: »

What do I do here? How can I help her get out of this mess? Now that I know, I can't leave it alone until she ends it. I'm so disappointed in her.

Just on those above sentences...

You do nothing, it's your friends choice how she decides to live her life.
Who she decides to screw and the carnage that may cause other people are all down to her choices.
Apart from voicing your disapproval to her, or telling the wife what can you do?
Do you really feel you have any right to dictate how your friend lives her life?
Those sentences of yours I quoted above, especially the bolded one....
Well it seems as if you feel you have the ''right'' to interfere and dictate,
No matter how much you dislike this girls behaviour, the fact is its not really any of your concern whatsoever.
It doesn't matter what you do really or how ''proud'' you are of her for her efforts to deal with her past\demons.
At the end of the day, she is an adult, her choices are her own and if her repeated behaviours of this sort bother you so much, maybe you should find a friend with better moral standards?

JaneeMack

You can't do anything to help her. Only she can help herself, that is, if she wants to. I feel your pain and concerns though and I hope your friend realizes how lucky she is to have a friend like you!

You don't mention whether you are married or have kids yourself? But I'm sure you understand relationships and marriages are very complicated things - which require a lot of work from both parties.

The man involved obviously deserves to burn in hell for the infidelity and the pain he's causing to his wife and children. But unfortunately, I don't think you can help your friend. She will have to do it herself and you don't say whether she wants to or not?

I don't see your friend marrying this man or having his kids in the near future - does she want any of this? She obviously needs to work on her own issues but I think the best you can do is to be there for her and to listen to her. After all, it's her life and you can't tell her how to live her life.

Merkin

disappointed friend wrote: »

What do I do here? How can I help her get out of this mess? Now that I know, I can't leave it alone until she ends it. I'm so disappointed in her.

You can't really impose your own moral compass on others. Also, in the nicest possible way, I don't think it's really your business to do anything as the affair is ultimately her choice and both are willing participants in it. You can't "fix" your friend and if you find the idea that abhorrent then tell her you don't want to be part of it or to discuss this particular topic with her as it makes you angry. I do however think that while it's fine to have expressed your view on it you now need to leave it. This talk of you not being able to leave it alone until she ends it really isn't your place so you need to back off. Part of being a good friend to someone is supporting them regardless of their sometimes questionable choices.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies.

I just feel so frustrated at her - I know you are all saying that there's nothing I can really do and I do accept that. I've just known the girl since we've been 12, we're like sisters. I feel like grabbing her and just shaking her until she realises how awful her actions are. I expected more from her - I just can't believe she could do this to someone. I just feel like she needs someone to talk sense into her but I accept that the actions have been hers and really there isn't anything I can do. But conversely I also feel that if I'm not the one to step up and take her to task over what she's doing, she is just going to continue on. And I appreciate that sounds like I'm bossy or feel like I have a right to interfere in her life, but we are very close friends and if I don't step up and give her some perspective, who will?

I kind of feel like she told me because she knows what I'm like (not backwards about coming forwards)... perhaps as a "cry for help".

JaneeMack wrote: »

You don't mention whether you are married or have kids yourself? But I'm sure you understand relationships and marriages are very complicated things - which require a lot of work from both parties.

The man involved obviously deserves to burn in hell for the infidelity and the pain he's causing to his wife and children. But unfortunately, I don't think you can help your friend. She will have to do it herself and you don't say whether she wants to or not?

I don't see your friend marrying this man or having his kids in the near future - does she want any of this? She obviously needs to work on her own issues but I think the best you can do is to be there for her and to listen to her. After all, it's her life and you can't tell her how to live her life.

We are both single and in our mid-twenties. It would break my heart to see her end up with this man - and all his baggage in tow.

I appreciate that my responses are a bit closed. I'm torn between feeling so incredulous at her and also disappointment that she has shown so little respect for the wife, for marriage. Perhaps she isn't the person I thought she was - I just think there is something inherently good in her and she deserves a happy and honest relationship with someone, rather than "the other woman" status.

But I have taken on board replies - if she is happy to live her life the way she has been living it, what right have I to wade in and demand her to change. I just can't believe she could do this to the poor wife. Just so awful.

John Mason

I have a friend doing the same thing, well, ex-friend at this stage.

It's her life and it is not for you to judge her and or tell her what to do.

In my situation said girl spend her whole crying about the situation, him lying, cancelling dates, telling me the rubbish he was telling her.

i got fed up and told her, that she was aware of my opinion and i didnt want anymore sob stories, she choose this life and it was not forced on her.

She took great offence at me not supporing her in her relationship and ended our friendship :rolleyes:

i can see on facebook, she is still with him, and still miserable.

Leave your friend be

meeeeh

OP here, thanks for the replies. wrote: »

OP here, thanks for the replies.

I just feel so frustrated at her - I know you are all saying that there's nothing I can really do and I do accept that. I've just known the girl since we've been 12, we're like sisters. I feel like grabbing her and just shaking her until she realises how awful her actions are. I expected more from her - I just can't believe she could do this to someone. I just feel like she needs someone to talk sense into her but I accept that the actions have been hers and really there isn't anything I can do. But conversely I also feel that if I'm not the one to step up and take her to task over what she's doing, she is just going to continue on. And I appreciate that sounds like I'm bossy or feel like I have a right to interfere in her life, but we are very close friends and if I don't step up and give her some perspective, who will?

I kind of feel like she told me because she knows what I'm like (not backwards about coming forwards)... perhaps as a "cry for help".

Or she told you because people usually want to tell others when they are seeing someone. You can tell her how you feel about it (once) and you can dump her as a friend. Personally I'd stay out of it and tell her I don't want to know anything about the affair.

Honey-ec

It's not your place to "make" her see sense or tell the wife or anything like that. However, nor do you have to pretend to be supportive when you have a real problem with her behaviour. I was in a similar position before with a friend who got seriously into cocaine a few years back. We went back a long way, I knew that she was, at heart, a good person, but I had no interest in being around her when she was on coke. So I told her that, but also made it very clear that I was still going to be there if and when she decided to stop. Taking that step back saved our friendship, to be honest.

I think you need to do the same here - lay it out straight to your friend that you love her and will always be her friend, but that you can't be part of this part of her life.

ynul31f47k6b59

disappointed friend wrote: »

Over the weekend, my best friend of 15 years told me that she has been having an affair with a married man for - on and off - approx 1.5 years. To say I'm shocked is an understatement.


What do I do here? How can I help her get out of this mess? Now that I know, I can't leave it alone until she ends it. I'm so disappointed in her.

You CAN leave it alone, and you SHOULD leave it alone. It's absolutely not your problem, she got herself into this mess, you keep out of it. In my experience the more you dig people out of holes, the more holes they'll dig.

Her mess, she's an adult, let her clean it up. Do NOT get involved.

Nickynikki

Do they work together?

All you can do is be there for her when his mid life crisis ends.

Big Bag of Chips

One of my close (ex) friends, who is married, was having an affair with a married man too.

I knew everyone involved.. her (I worked with her), her husband, him (I also worked with him) and his wife. She was smitten, and not a bit discreet about it. I really liked her husband, and couldn't continue my friendship with her. I hated the thought of it all coming out, and him thinking I knew about it and was in on it, having a right old laugh at him.

I started to keep my distance from her. As it happened, I left that job not long after, and I haven't heard from any of them since. Her husband added me on Facebook a while back. I accepted, but then deleted him in a general "clean up" a while later.

It was not my place to stop my friend from doing what she was doing (she wasn't interested in stopping anyway) nor was it my place to end her marriage by telling her husband - or his wife.

But as she was no longer the person I thought she was, and as I didn't like the liar she had become, and the fact that she occasionally used us as her "cover story" for where she was - I stepped away from the friendship. It's a pity, and I do miss her.

I have no idea what is going on with them all now. If it's over, if they were found out etc...

Czarcasm

OP I can see where you're coming from and all, but is this more about helping your friend, or helping you feel better about yourself?

Without trying to cause offence but your opening and consequent posts smacks of so, so much condescension and standing in such negative judgement of this girl you claim is your friend.

I know this forum is for support and we're supposed to offer constructive advice and normally I do try and offer some positive advice, but on this one, I'm really struggling, and I'm not even sure you'll pay any heed tbh.

Before you can help your friend, you need to come down off your pedestal so to so to speak and ease up on the moral high grounding and shaking some sense into your friend, etc, telling her you're disappointed in her that she came so far and now she's let you down.

Has the possibility occurred to you that maybe it's you have let your friend down, by refusing to even make any attempt to see things through her eyes?

Instead of negatively judging her and talking down to her, talk to her, and let her see that you're willing to listen to her, that you're willing to be there for her and support her.

I can guarantee you that she knows only too well what she's doing isn't good for her, but when she confided in you and you use it as an opportunity to berate her for her behaviour, well, OP that's not good, and you really aren't doing her any favors.

If her behaviour doesn't sit right with you, the real problems aren't hers OP, they're yours.

And as strange as it is to hear that, the reason I suggest it is because this is the same girl you have known for years, yet when she behaves in a way you don't agree with, you castigate her for it and feel like SHE let YOU down.

If you can't treat her like an adult OP with a mind and body of her own, then I think it's time you reconsider your friendship, because the more you try to shame her, the more she'll run and hide where she finds comfort and solace, and on this occasion that just happens to be in the bed of a married man.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. I needed to hear that there's nothing I can do. I really thought about everything today. I want to be a good friend and help if it's possible - but my role can only be something supportive. I can't wade in and demand my friend makes changes.

Czarcasm wrote: »

If her behaviour doesn't sit right with you, the real problems aren't hers OP, they're yours.

And as strange as it is to hear that, the reason I suggest it is because this is the same girl you have known for years, yet when she behaves in a way you don't agree with, you castigate her for it and feel like SHE let YOU down.

If you can't treat her like an adult OP with a mind and body of her own, then I think it's time you reconsider your friendship, because the more you try to shame her, the more she'll run and hide where she finds comfort and solace, and on this occasion that just happens to be in the bed of a married man.

I'm sorry, but the real problem here is the fact that actual lives could be ruined over this, rather than my jittery approach to this new development in one of my closest friendships. Maybe I'm too naive but my gut reaction was disappointment / horror followed by wanting more for my friend than a seedy guttery relationship with a sleazebag.

I'm surprised my post came off as condescending - I thought it read of anger and shock because I am angry at my friend for being so stupid, for being so flippant, for cheating. I haven't been in touch with her (we left on good terms at the weekend) so I wanted to best work out how I should respond - hence why I wrote the post. I have not castigated anyone, I haven't shamed her - I haven't spoken to her yet. I wrote the post to try and work out how to navigate my response to this situation because we are best friends and she wants a response.

While it might read like I'm standing on a high pedestal, I am honestly just shocked. I want to be there for my friend - I realise that there are other issues at play here. It's just important that I tease out all my thoughts privately - even to just ensure I don't come off as shaming her, which would be the last thing I want to do.

Thanks for replies again - I think the only thing I can do is listen to her and be there for her, but step back a little so that I don't make any judgements.

CaraMay

disappointed friend wrote: »

She is just so flippant - at the weekend she actually said that "boredom" motivated her

She is just selfish to the bone... She is out for herself and doesnt care who gets hurt in the process. The fact that she was willing to lie to you for this long proves it..

I've come across people like this before and they dont care who they screw or screw over as long as they get what they want.

She is the kind of person who sees everyone as fair game. I personally would not be able to sit by and listen to the ghastly details of her affair. If you want to stay friends with her then dont get involved but I personally cant trust friends who cant be trusted. Never know when she will be bored and turn her guiles to any man in your life. not the kind of company I would like to keep.

Czarcasm

op here again wrote: »

I'm sorry, but the real problem here is the fact that actual lives could be ruined over this, rather than my jittery approach to this new development in one of my closest friendships. Maybe I'm too naive but my gut reaction was disappointment / horror followed by wanting more for my friend than a seedy guttery relationship with a sleazebag.

Hi OP, I hadn't meant you to take my post as such a harsh criticism of the way you're handling the situation. Your reaction was understandable, but you're handling the situation badly in my opinion. I get that you want more for your friend, hell, anyone would, but your approach is all wrong. Your friend will smell that revulsion off you a mile away, and she'll think it's directed at her. Your friend is being taken advantage of, by a guy who is cheating on his wife. The guy is in the wrong, and from your OP, this girl obviously has a skewered perspective on the difference between a healthy expression of affection, and obviously the opposite of that being a negative expression of affection.

What she's getting from this guy is, well, from her skewered perspective- a healthy expression of affection, she has his undivided attention over his wife. For her the end justifies the means, and this guy doesn't give a fcuk what she thinks any more than what he thinks for his wife. It's HIM you should be holding responsible for taking advantage of your friend who thinks she's rather clever getting one over on his wife, but in actual fact SHE is the one being incredibly naive.

I'm surprised my post came off as condescending - I thought it read of anger and shock because I am angry at my friend for being so stupid, for being so flippant, for cheating.

Seriously OP I can't stress it enough that you need to bottle those feelings up, because the more your friend can sense that, the more likely she is to zone out and think how fast can she finish her coffee and get out of there to get her affection/attention fix off this guy. When she has experienced the power you can have over someone, using sex as the only tool in her arsenal, she can and will use it to it's fullest effect, consequences be damned.

I haven't been in touch with her (we left on good terms at the weekend) so I wanted to best work out how I should respond

Prepare yourself for the escalation in shock factor, dramatics and misguided musings of affection, is all I can say to that one. Don't judge, don't react. That's giving her what she wants- validation. Trust me, be as non plussed about it as you can possibly be. Make like her story bores you. Let HER change the subject, and THEN make like she just told you she won the lottery, no matter how stupid you might actually think the subject is. The point is- it's distracting her from thinking about him!

I have not castigated anyone, I haven't shamed her - I haven't spoken to her yet. I wrote the post to try and work out how to navigate my response to this situation because we are best friends and she wants a response.

Fairness OP you have been giving it welly what you think of her for getting herself in this situation but I guess your frustration is understandable given that she only told you a year and a half later. As for she wants an "answer". No she doesn't OP. What she wants is validation. What she wants is to see how disgusted you are that she could be so flippant about the taboo of sleeping with a married man.

While it might read like I'm standing on a high pedestal, I am honestly just shocked. I want to be there for my friend - I realise that there are other issues at play here. It's just important that I tease out all my thoughts privately - even to just ensure I don't come off as shaming her, which would be the last thing I want to do.

Thanks for replies again - I think the only thing I can do is listen to her and be there for her, but step back a little so that I don't make any judgements.

Your friend is just incredibly naive OP, I wouldn't be so quick to class her as stupid though. Your last comment there is really the way to go, and soon enough the novelty of this guy will wear off for her.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, if this girl is really your best friend, then of course you can be judgemental of her!!

By that I mean, you shouldn't have to pretend you are ok with it. You shouldn't have to listen to her going on about it if you don't want to. You don't have to 'support' her and be there for her..

She is an adult, making adult choices. Regardless of her past or history or problems, you shouldn't feel that you have to 'be there' for her if she is doing something that makes you so uncomfortable. The choices she makes have consequences. And one consequence of this, is that her friend is s bit peed off with her.. that's just something else she has to deal with, as part of the decisions she makes.

If you hang around, mollycoddling her, listening, sympathising.. what good is that doing for her? If she asks you what you think.. do you think you should lie to her? If you think she's being a fool.. of course you should tell her.

If it was a random neighbour or acquaintance that you'd heard a rumour about, I'd be more inclined to say its nothing to do with you. But this girl is your best friend.. so it does have something to do with you. It affects your life. It affects your relationship with her. She has made it your business, by involving you. When she told you, she hardly expected you to say "oh, that's nice. Where's he from? What does he do? Have you met his parents yet?"

I suppose my opinion of this is a bit skewed, because I was in your position. My friend wasn't remorseful, or embarrassed. Like your friend saying she did it because she was 'bored'... There's plenty other things she could do. Or other fellas she could start seeing if she was bored.

Look, each to their own. If your friend is happy being in a relationship with married man, that's fine, and it's her (and his) decision. But... if you're NOT happy with it, and would prefer to not have to be the supportive ear, then that is equally fine.

Whatever you do, however you react, or however you feel, you are not wrong. Just as your friend is entitled to her choices and feelings on it, you are equally as entitled to yours.

LegacyUser

You cannot counsel someone by judging them but by showing solidarity with them. You would think by reading your post that you have never hurt anyone, that you have never made a mistake. Who are you to be judging? She has admitted that she is 'bored' and you know that she has been damaged by her past. She deserves your sympathy and consideration. Confronting her will only force the two of you further apart. Although I don't agree with what your friend is doing your loyalty should be to her not this man and his family. If his wife found out it wouldn't be a bad thing for her to know the type of man she has married but it is not up to you to expose the relationship. Ultimately I think your motives are selfish and I don't believe that you have your friends happiness entirely at heart (I think you are wrapped up in your own moral considerations) so my advice is to leave her alone.