Second chance?

LegacyUser

Is it worth giving an ex a second chance? Or is it a case of a leopard never changes their spots?
A year ago my ex cheated on me, it broke my heart. I didn't take it very well as we never fought, I thought we got on so well. I had planned on proposing on a holiday I had booked for us.
It was such a shock to me. I hit rock bottom I was so hurt. But I could never get her out of my head.
I didn't help myself either by guessing her email password and reading messages she was sending her sister and father.
I would get messages from her father saying I should meet with her. Her sister would also send me messages asking how I was. It was at this point I started snooping in her emails. Basically my ex had been telling her sister what to write.
Its almost like a game or I can tell whats going to happen. When I ignore her I will get a message from her father. Bang on queue his email arrived. This will be followed by a message from her sister. Again this happened.
I could see there conversations where my ex would say I was still in her heart but things had gone too far with her new fella. That he was buying her a ring and getting a tattoo with her name on his arm. After this I though maybe she was regretting what she had done. That she wanted me back. So I did contact her. I went to her house and I actually felt physically sick in the house, seeing all his stuff lying around. Letters on the table addressed to him, his clothes, his laptop. I left upset and was mad with myself for contacting her. That was it I told myself. Never again! Then on my birthday in November I was feeling sorry for myself thinking of her. Then a message from her. I couldn't ignore it and replied and eventually asked her if she still loved me. She said she did.
So I go and meet her again. There were lots of tears on both sides. But he was still in the picture. Life was so much easier with him she told me. He walks the dog, he cleans the dishes he buys her flowers. He would do anything for her! But it wasn't the same.
I more or less said she had to stop contacting me that it was too hard for me to be in contact. She said she was still confused and needed time. I just left again all upset. In my mind I needed to forget about her and move on. I went on a few dates and had a nice time. But nothing serious came of it.
Last month out of the blue I get a message from her again asking how I was and would I do her a favor. I had become a lot stronger now and was able to ignore this message, deleted it straight away. As before her father and sister contact me!
Small talk really, to be polite I always answer but I was abrupt this time in my replies.
Last weekend I was in bed when I get a message from a strange number. Saying I was welcome to her and that she had the emotional stability of a 5 year old. This message was obviously from the guy she left me for. I just ignored the message and deleted it straight away. No idea how he got my number or why he felt the need to text me this information. Then later in the week I get a call from her friend. Saying the my ex is not having an easy time. That she is talking about me all the time. She is sorry she hurted me and that maybe I should contact her and talk to her. I said I don't know if I can. Ive though of nothing else for the past week only her. Weighting up the pros and cons. There is still love for this woman in my heart after what she did to me. I only remember the good times. But there was obviously something wrong when she did what she did. I know family and friends would think I was mad if I went back to her again. They saw how low I was and how depressed I was after the split.
Should I take the chance and contact her? If there was to be a getting back together I would insist that we go to a councilor together to see if the relationship could be renewed or worth renewing.
Has anyone given their other half that second chance? Just so confused right now.

ManOfMystery

You could give her a chance. But if you did, I've a strong feeling you'd be back on here in a few months spilling your heart out.

She clearly doesn't know what she wants. Not only did she mess you around, but she's now living with a guy who she obviously isn't being 100% honest with either. I don't know if it's immaturity or just indecision, but she strikes me as being someone who needs her ego massaged a lot and needs to feel wanted all the time. And getting her sister and father to email you is just a form of manipulation really.

Look at it this way - you never fought with her, you got on well, and all seemed good. But it wasn't enough - she cheated.
She's with a guy now who buys her flowers, seemingly treats her well too but again .... it's not enough. She's betraying him by trying to worm her way back into your life.
See a pattern emerging here? If she can't be trusted in the good times, then what hope is there for the bad times?

My advice - move on and forget her. Stop reading her emails. There's plenty of girls out there who will be much more honest and straightforward with you than this one. You're halfway there already, so don't turn around now and go back. I know you get the odd couple who fix things up but by and large, humans are creatures of habit and if you go back with her I suspect you'll only go through all this again in the future.

Ickle Magoo

Talk is cheap OP.

What is she actually DOING to initiate a reconciliation - never mind one that involves working through her infidelity/abandonment.

You know your situation best but just from the information you've given, I'd say the message you got from the guy she left you for is pretty spot on. Sounds to me like she has a lot of personal work to do before she is going to be a partner worth trusting and investing your time and emotions in.

I don't see any evidence that she's doing that work so if was you, I wouldn't be giving her any second chances for a repeat performance - because without puting the time into exploring why she has chosen to cheat and flip-flop and create a raft of hurt, betrayal and chaos in her wake, it's a pattern that is just going to happen again and again.

Think you are best cutting your losses OP, millions of emotionally stable women in the world who don't cheat - you are worth so much more than settling for less than that basic requisite.

All the best.

kat.mac

annon_confused wrote: »

I know family and friends would think I was mad if I went back to her again

From your OP, they would be right. This woman is no good for you.

For what it's worth, I gave my ex another chance. Then another, and another. He didn't cheat on me (to the best of my knowledge :rolleyes:) but an emotional rollercoaster is a mild description. I'm just beginning to see the light of day, 6 months after the final sorry episode. My advice, based on my experience and what you've told us about your ex, is to steer well clear and focus on the future. There are many fine, balanced, non-toxic women out there - this one does NOT deserve your love.

LegacyUser

OP here again.
Thanks for the replies. I think I know I need to forget about her and concentrate on myself. If this happened a few months back I would be over there like a shot. I did speak to someone after it happened and it helped me a lot. I got to know myself a lot better. There were moments of weakness, but I came out the other side. It was always me doing the running around after her. I even got the blame for her cheating! She was my first love.
I know what I want in a relationship now and I know what I can bring to one.

Merkin

annon_confused wrote: »

OP here again.
Thanks for the replies. I think I know I need to forget about her and concentrate on myself. If this happened a few months back I would be over there like a shot. I did speak to someone after it happened and it helped me a lot. I got to know myself a lot better. There were moments of weakness, but I came out the other side. It was always me doing the running around after her. I even got the blame for her cheating! She was my first love.
I know what I want in a relationship now and I know what I can bring to one.

Well done you for knowing your own self worth hon, you deserve so much better.

From your OP, this girl has shown herself to be:

A liar
Selfish
Dishonest
Manipulative
Sneaky
Duplicitous
Immature
Self-obsessed
Thoughtless

You have nothing to gain from getting back with her. How dare she think that now she has been dumped she can click her fingers and have you run back to her! Shows how much she thinks of you.

The best way to get over this once and for all is to block her number, her father's number, her sister's number (I mean seriously :rolleyes:) and then get on with your life. This woman will ultimately end up lonely and on her own because she has no respect for other people or their feelings.

You've had a lucky escape. Don't put yourself through it a second time!

kat.mac

annon_confused wrote: »

OP here again.
Thanks for the replies. I think I know I need to forget about her and concentrate on myself. If this happened a few months back I would be over there like a shot. I did speak to someone after it happened and it helped me a lot. I got to know myself a lot better. There were moments of weakness, but I came out the other side. It was always me doing the running around after her. I even got the blame for her cheating! She was my first love.
I know what I want in a relationship now and I know what I can bring to one.

Good stuff OP. I'm delighted for you. Sometimes you know deep down what the right thing is, you just need backup. Glad you came here to get it!

AnonoBoy

Move forward in the knowledge that not all women are like this.

But for your own sake, don't go fishing around in other people's emails.

That's illegal as far as I know and if caught you could wind up in a bit of trouble yourself.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

@kat.mac Thanks kat. I think you are right I just needed a "peep" talk. Deep down it wouldn't feel right. It would always play on my mind.

@AnonoBoy - I know this wasn't the wisest thing to do. But its also how I found out she was cheating! I havent gone near or felt the need to check since the last time I saw her in November. She knew I had checked.

All I can do is look on the bright side. Other than emotional I had no other ties to her, no mortgage, no kids, no marriage a lucky escape.
At the time you hear all the cliches and I thought people were just trying to make me feel better. My granny said not directly to me but to my mam that she would be the one left crying on her pillow. Aren't grannies great. But she did tell me last week to pull up my socks :-D

Once again thanks for the replies, they have really helped. I was tempted to contact her but now I know it wouldn't do me any good.

Three Seasons

Don't do it OP. She sounds highly manipulative and selfish. She actually told you about all the things the new fella did for her, clean the dishes etc... All she cares about is herself.

Stay well clear of her. Go out and meet new women.

sherbett32

she sounds like she thrives on drama, were there indications of this when you were together? She's trying to play you of against the other man, if he is aware at all that she is in touch with you. I'd wager she's telling him you're bothering her and can't let go.

Your granny is right, she's the one who'll lose out in the long run, you're well rid.

LegacyUser

sherbett32 wrote: »

she sounds like she thrives on drama, were there indications of this when you were together?

No drama that I was aware of anyway. Thats why it was such a shock. They say love is blind. I know now that she controlled the relationship. Im pretty easy going so went with the flow. But when I did get access to her emails I could see that she had been emailing a guy she worked with. He was married! It sounded like nothing happened. This was before we got together. But they remained "friends" I remember for her birthday the first year we were together he sent her a card. There was an XX at the end. She said it was nothing that he liked her but she was with me now. They remained in contact until his wife gave birth, communication between them seemed to end. Funny thing is the guy she left me for also worked with her and was married. He was going through a tough time as well apparently!

I did see a dishonest side to her that I didn't like. She lied on her CV saying she did a college course that she never did. Letting her car tax slide for a few months. She wasn't Irish. But ever time she went home she had a few tricks to make some money. She took risks. Probably best I don't go into much detail here!

She always wanted to do something new. A new job. Move to a new country. All far fetched stuff. Not realistic.

She also had a pretty messy mortgage situation with her ex. He told her he had enough and wasn't paying anymore. They had a mortgage on a house an apartment and a loan for his failed business.

When writing this I am realising that she's some piece of work! But in todays society when you are in your 30's and not with someone there is something wrong with you. Maybe the fear of been left on the scrap heap had me thinking I should give it another go.

Stavro Mueller

I'm glad the scales are falling from your eyes regarding your ex. A piece of work doesn't even begin to describe her. Even the fact that you were driven to read her email points to this being an unhealthy setup. If you were to get back with her you'd always have that nagging feeling that she might be up to something behind your back. She's no good for you.

Don't ever let the fear of being left on the scrapheap cloud your judgement. That sort of thinking has left many a person stuck in unhappy relationships. You dodged a bullet on this one. Be careful not to put yourself in the same situation again.

Lenmeister

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You could give her a chance. But if you did, I've a strong feeling you'd be back on here in a few months spilling your heart out.

She clearly doesn't know what she wants. Not only did she mess you around, but she's now living with a guy who she obviously isn't being 100% honest with either. I don't know if it's immaturity or just indecision, but she strikes me as being someone who needs her ego massaged a lot and needs to feel wanted all the time. And getting her sister and father to email you is just a form of manipulation really.

Look at it this way - you never fought with her, you got on well, and all seemed good. But it wasn't enough - she cheated.
She's with a guy now who buys her flowers, seemingly treats her well too but again .... it's not enough. She's betraying him by trying to worm her way back into your life.
See a pattern emerging here? If she can't be trusted in the good times, then what hope is there for the bad times?

My advice - move on and forget her. Stop reading her emails. There's plenty of girls out there who will be much more honest and straightforward with you than this one. You're halfway there already, so don't turn around now and go back. I know you get the odd couple who fix things up but by and large, humans are creatures of habit and if you go back with her I suspect you'll only go through all this again in the future.

This, totally this. Everything here, especially about her not know what she wants and never having enough. And it's quite immature to get other people to contact you because they are too afraid to do it themselves. Her father should know better imo. I'm glad you're on the mend, keep looking forward, you'll be grand so you will.

Bessa

Yes I gave my ex a second chance a long time ago, only to be trampled on again by him two years ago, on both occasions he cried to stay, so I gave in only to be trampled on again a few weeks ago, he was starting his antics again as regards staying, but to no avail this time as I kicked him out. I have read up a lot on this type of liar and cheater and they say that once a cheat always a cheat. If I had the Internet all those years back I would not have let him stay at all, tears or no tears. We never fought either only time was over his cheating s.