How do I help my friend?

Cliona99

Hello,

(this is similar to a post I just read further down but I presume Personal Issues is a one person per post kind of place so this won't be considered repetition...)

My friend is in a horrible, abusive, miserable relationship. Neither of them are happy. They don't even seem to like each other any more. She'd like to leave but can't afford to.

I've been hearing about the fights and the arguments and I've seen how they treat each other for the last 18 months or so. Now the abuse seems to be escalating and I'm worried that she is in physical danger.

I love my friend to bits and would do anything in the world for her, but I just don't know how to help her, or what to say or do any more. I can listen until my ears turn blue and I know she's an adult and in charge of her own life, but I wish I knew how best to respond when she tells me about the latest fight... Is sympathy and empathy my only option? Because it doesn't seem to be helping her in the slightest. Could I be making things worse by just listening?

Has anyone been in a similar situation and had a friend make a difference by something they said or did? Or was it all down to yourself to get out/stay in the relationship? Did it work out in the end?

username123

Personally Im in favour of not enabling dysfunctional behaviour.

By that I mean, your friend tells you her partner has done X, you listen, sympathise and advise Y. She doesnt do Y, and a week later comes to you crying because her partner has done X. You listen, sympathise and advise Y. She doesnt do Y, and a few days later.......

So - I dont get into the above with people. I offer advice if asked, but if they keep coming with the same issue I tell them that Im done talking about it, I have no interest in enabling the dysfunction by becoming some sort of greek chorus to the aftermath singing the same tune each time while they do nothing to help themselves. I will always offer support, IF, they make the necessary changes. And they can always talk to me about other things of course - but I wont go on the same merry go round of the same thing over and over, offering the same advice that is not taken each time because I dont think that that is helping a person, its just enabling the same old merry go round.

In terms of being able to afford to leave, surely there is some kind of practical advice that can be given here? Talk to citizens info, womens refuge etc?

hoodwinked

to be honest about it,

if your friend isn't willing to do anything to help herself, there is nothing you can do.

littleblackDRS

I think that you're friends might need some tough love. Is money the only reason she's staying? Because if it was, and she really wanted to leave, I think she could. But she's choosing the path of least resistance, and you're supporting it. I'm not saying anything bad about you, you're being an amazing friend, and she's lucky to have you. But it seems that she's happy enough to continue as it is, using you as an emotional crutch, and that's not fair on you. I know you love your friend, but you need to look after yourself too, and she's not doing anything to help herself, so how could you possibly help her? I think she needs to be an adult, and take control of her life, and stop taking the easy way out. And I think you should tell her that. Obviously you could word it better, tact isn't my strong point, but if she wants to leave that bad, she needs to leave.

DeltaWhite

I had a friend that was in the same position. The relationship was a disaster and turned very abusive and I couldn't just leave her to it, I was there for her night and day, gave her great advice and urged her to try and find someone else who wasn't going to treat her like crap.

It all backfired on me! I was getting abusive texts from her bf so I decided to back off. He even swung a pint glass at her one night when we were out and only for I stepped in and tore the glass off him, god only knows what would have happened!

I still kept my distance which meant I couldn't see her anymore as she lived with him and I couldn't stand being near him. Our friendship disappeared because I was fed up trying to help her see the mess she was in, she just didn't want to know, but yet would ring me crying everyday with something new he had done. I'm a firm believer if a relationship isn't working then move the fcuk on. It's as simple as that!

4 years later she's still with him, and yes he still treats her like absolute crap. Leers at other women including her friends, cracks jokes about her to everyone in front of her and is generally just a mean, heartless waste of space.

I've given up OP. Adults are adults and if they can't see the bad choices they are making then there is nothing you can do! Sorry OP just my take on it!