Married but think I'm in love with much younger man

LegacyUser

Married 28 years and think I'm in love

I'm a regular here but going unreg for this :O

Would really appreciate your input please. My oh and i have been together over 30 years, 4 kids and 2 grandchildren so far. I'm 47 now but look about 30 so I'm told, a lot!

I think our marriage is over. We never have fun or laugh together, I don't really fancy him anymore, and since the last of the kids moved out the only things we have in common are them, the grandkids, pets and the house/bills/ logistics. I've given up asking him to get involved in mutual activities as it was futile or he sulked while doing them, defeating thepurpose really.

For the past few years I've had a serious illness and while himself has been largely supportive, I've noticed how selfish and inflexible he can be. This has put me right off him.

For the past few months I've been living in the city during the week attending uni, going home at weekends. In uni there's this guy I've really clicked with. We have tonnes in common, like pretty much identical music, films, activities and are interested in and have similar views on many common topics.

I was aware from day 1 that this guy was a bit special. We're very tactile and use any excuse to touch eachother, and he always hugs me hello and goodbye.. I've been secretly really enjoying/looking forward to these moments.Feels electric to me tbh. Bearing in mind my commitments (he's unattached) nothing inappropriate happened - until yesterday we almost kissed but I pulled away and he ended up kissing my cheek. He got out of the car and that was that. He was dead late today, a first, and looked shattered. It was all a bit awkward but still, the thrill of his touch was there.

So now I'm back at my weekday houseshare and completely confused. I don't know what to do, could all this be in my head and he's just being a good friend? He's only 31 so a lot younger than I am.

I've never been unfaithful to my husband and am not even sure I'd have the confidence to have a relationship with anyone else, he's the only man I've ever been with. Am completely confused by all of this as I thought the part of me that could fall in love was long dead. Please help!

afterglow

Hi Anon This Time.

I suppose what I would be asking myself if I were you in an effort to find out if these feelings are real or not(note I'm not saying they are not) is asking myself am I just feeling these things because what I have at home is really non existant? You say you have had an illness for the past few years, and that your husband has been supportive enough but sometimes not so much. That's awful, and I was in a house where my mum was really sick and my dad was not supportive and it was awful to watch, so I do feel for you on that one OP

I would not discount your feelings for this guy completely, but think about question written above. The way you describe it, it certainly, to me, sounds like you have something, and someone, pretty special there to be honest, but I would think long and hard about why your feeling what you are, not that it isn't understandable given your current situation. Also, do you know if the guy in question here, your univesity friend, feels the same? If he does, then sounds like if you want, and if he does two, something very special could develop if you both want it to.
Very best of luck to you

username123

Hi OP,
Im sorry that you feel so unloved, unsupported and generally part of the wallpaper in your marriage.

Forget about the other guy for a minute, if he wasnt in the picture would you be thinking that you should leave your husband? Why DO you stay with your husband? From a practical perspective, could you support yourself if you two seperated? Whats the point of being in a marriage where you dont even seem to like the other person? Youre only young too, 47!! So whats the point of this marriage? Have you talked to your husband about how you feel about all of this? Have you confronted him with how his selfishness and lack of support makes you feel? These are things you need to think about.

Now, the younger man. Well its natural to be flattered by flirty attention, and there is no age at which these things are long dead! And a 31 year old man dating a 47 year old woman isnt really a big deal imo. So in theory, if you were single, yeah, why not?

But the far more important thing to sort out is why you stay in a loveless marriage. Is this what you want for your life? There must have been something that brought you together and kept you together all these years? Can you get it back? If not, then think seriously about what you want to do. The younger man is just a distraction at this point, you also need to ask yourself, if he hadnt appeared on the scene would you be feeling as you do about your marriage - greener grass and all that.

LegacyUser

Hi afterglow, thanks so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. We haven't ever discussed our feelings so I'm not sure he feels the same but think (hope) he does. I know he misses me when I'm not there because he says so, and texts to ask if I'm on the way etc. He tells me when I look pretty and notices if I've done my nails/hair etc. He's also brilliant if I'm tired, getting me a coffee, snack or carrying my bag (may sound lame but it's a first for me!) and always keeps a seat for me too. I keep seats for him and get him coffee & snacks too. He's also very encouraging and complimentary about assignments/course work and makes me feel special and significant.

What I have at home is a home, pets, visiting kids and grandchildren, the bills, and then there's himself.

It's hard to describe the situation in detail but there's so little between us yet he says he misses me when I'm away - but hardly speaks to me beyond practicalities when I'm there. He hasn't voluntarily visited me even once during the week, and the most communication I get is a text, not even a phone call or skype/facetime even though he can do both and I skype the kids and grandchildren every few days. I do love him in that I wouldn't like him to be sad or lonely, I suppose I feel responsible for him.

I'm guessing the kids would take his side because they weren't very supportive about me doing what I'm doing now - I left a well paid job that I hated to pursue a new career (hence uni) following the illness and they've all felt the effects. I can't be so generous anymore so they're all (including the hubby) having to provide more for themselves and the grandchildren now. I still contribute and actually still pay the mortgage etc. but money is extremely tight and that hasn't gone down well. I've taken the view that I've done it for the past few decades because 'I'd made my bed' but shouldn't have to be stuck doing the same things forever.

On the one hand I'm thinking I have responsibilities and on the other I'm telling myself we only have one life and I've used up 2/3 of mine so far on someone who thinks of me as a mealticket. As I type I can see it would be wrong to drag my uni friend into this mess afterall. Maybe I need to leave home officially and just be with myself for a while? what do you think?

Taltos

OP - are you being realistic here or are you seeing all of this through tinted glasses?

Look at the two sides here.
Home
1. Hubby - he is still stuck in the day to day running the house, balancing bills etc. As you know this can be very draining.
2. Illness - OK so you said he was not always supportive - but can anyone really be? Taking care of someone with a serious illness is a major commitment and takes a special sort of person to do this 100% selflessly. We all need some me time here, was he really as selfish as you make out or not?
3. Excitement - you know exactly what is waiting for you there, but with that comes the routine. What have you done to change it? Have you gone to counseling or spelled out to your hubby how critical things have become? Does he really realise how close he and the family are to losing you? All relationships take effort and sometimes the longer you're married the more you have to work at it every single day...

College
1. Responsibilities - lets not kid ourselves college is a place to escape the responsibilities of day to day for a lot (but not everyone).
2. 31yr old - is he genuine? Does he see a future with you and the grandchildren or is he looking for a safe affair - he would be your Monday to Thursday bit of fun, with you returning home at the weekends to your family...

Don't rush into anything here - you really do need to figure all of this out and think your way through it without the rush and excitement leading you too much as you have a hell of a lot to lose here. You need to talk to both men, and figure out what is best for you all. Can I also suggest though not to discount counseling unless of course you already believe your marriage is over and you are just staying there to protect him - to be honest if that is how you are thinking you are doing your husband a disservice.

fungun

For the past few years I've had a serious illness and while himself has been largely supportive, I've noticed how selfish and inflexible he can be. This has put me right off him.

I find as people get older they tend to get more inflexible, but I think a lot of that is habitual, not necessarily personality. Could you then challenge him in a positive way to be more flexible?

It kinda seems to be that you feel post-illness that you want to grasp more of life than you have had, whereas your husband doesnt appear to feel the same. Have you tried to bring him on this journey with you? Obviously I dont know the specifics but you doing a course and leaving everything else tight has created a situation of imbalance....perhaps doing something like different holidays or a new hobby together may have been a more inclusive choice.

If you are a regular on here you know the standard advice. First thats to separate the 2 issues. Forget the new guy for a sec and really think about your marriage and whether you have really given it due diligence or whether you could have made better decisions for your marriage. Is it really all gone or does it just need more work? Once your kids left, did you put any work into your relationship or just let it go its own way?

A 31 yr old guy being tactile with you? Id say he probably thinks he could have an affair with you, but no one knows, maybe he feels the same. Also, think what advice you would give someone else....especially if the sexes were reversed. If you were male, had decided to go back to college and were flirting with a much younger woman, people would scream 'mid life crisis'. Is this what it is?? If so, having an affair isnt the answer.

And the slightly harsh paragraph: you accuse your husband of selfishness but going off to college, leaving him and the kids tight for money and allowing yourself to get involved with another man isnt exactly being a paragon of selflessness. Sounds like you are more worried about your quality of life rather than your families quality of life.

LegacyUser

Hi, op here again.

That's a lot of food for thought, thank you! Username123, it could very well be about the grass being greener. I'm not sure at all. Although I've found a couple of people attractive in the past, I've never let it get beyond mild flirting, with the boundaries well and truly marked. I do agree though, that despite the strong and seemingly real feelings I have for the younger guy, he's a distraction from the real issue - why we've stayed together so long. It's probably because it was never 'bad' for either of us. Just not good, but there were the kids, his insistence that things would get better, that I'd regret ending it, and I suppose my own belief that marriage is forever. It's an old story but ours was a shotgun job but it didn't make it less valid. Wallpaper is a very apt description! My oh has said, he doesn't necessarily want to interact with me, but likes to know I'm there.

Taltos, you've made some very valid points. And no, I don't think he's all selfish, but he is a self centred man. For example, there were times when I came home from hospital, out of it on meds, that there was no food in the house and I had to drive to get some - dangerous I know but I had no choice. I spent two days feeling really ill before realising that I was hungry and thirsty and not eating with the meds I was on was lethal. The first time I got home from hospital for a weekend he couldn't collect me because it clashed with the monthly medal. I could write a long list here but won't. One daughter in particular did a lot for me, and a good friend (whom he hated so much I had to cut contact with her). My oh did a bit more than usual but was not my full time carer - although he did try to insist on applying for carers allowance and giving up his part time job as an early retirement option!

We've been to two rounds of marriage counselling, he's made promises that were never kept whenever the counselling ended; about making an effort, pursuing common interests, longer love making, taking an interest in his appearance. I kept my promise not to nag and to make appointments if I needed to discuss our marriage. After a long time, i just didn't bother saying anything because it isn't heard.

Up to when I became ill, I'd accepted that he'd never change, that he isn't interested in or ambitious enough to want to be a provider, that if he chooses to work part time and not earn enough to cover his own expenses, nevermind the household stuff, that's his choice, that he doesn't like eating in front of visitors so it was ok if he brought his plate into the other room, that he doesn't like eating out or socialising outside of the golf club stuff, that golf is his number 1 priority and everything else comes second, that he tolerates rather than enjoys the grandchildren, that he isn't interested in travel etc.. I could go on but you get the picture. He's not depressed or ill. At one point I became convinced that he was and brought him to the GP who did the test questions and said he's a very steady, quiet, healthy individual. The marriage counsellors both described him as a 'self contained personality'.

I still do the bills - would have gladly handed them all over to himself years ago but he's resisted and resisted. He's only responsible for one, the fuel - and it ran out last weekend. I pay the mortgage, do the weekly shop, including the pet food, on the way home, clean the house. He is responsible for his own laundry, keeping the bathrooms clean and the garden - which he likes doing. If there's a maintenance issue such as an appliance going, a lock breaking, a room to be painted, even when we've agreed that he will organise it, it doesn't happen. He's learned that if he leaves things long enough, I'll do them/organise them.
I sometimes feel like he's my last child who's refusing to be independent.
Sorry that's so long! but it's really helped me to see things more clearly.

LegacyUser

Hi Fungun, thanks for your reply.

Have to agree with your point about the mid life crisis! It's certainly possible.

We've done the separate holidays thing with him going on golfing trips in Ireland and the UK as he doesn't like flying and after going to scotland for the British Open, proclaiming he would never sail again; and me heading off to less beaten tracks with a friend.

Perhaps it is selfish to pursue this course but after everything, one thing I've learned is that if I don't look after myself nobody else will, something that came to me very late in life. My first quals were all about the money making potential, and this would have been my first choice had it not. Just to mention though, the kids are now adults who were well reared and educated and can provide for themselves. I can't buy holidays or city breaks for them anymore and their christmas and birthday gifts are more modest. If I'd died and it was left to their dad, they'd be getting nothing as he doesn't believe in giving any support or gifts. He constantly nagged me for being over generous with our money that I earned.

Not sure where you got the impression that I'm worried about my quality of life at all. I'm eating noodles and white label baked beans, drinking tea from Dealz in order to do this, sleeping in a slightly moldy room in a noisy house and sharing a bathroom and washing machine with 6 strangers, whilst himself is the only human occupant of a large comfortable 4 bed 5 bath home on 3 acres! He's so selfish that last weekend I said I'd really like a better broadband connection than using my phone (which keeps dying) as a hotspot while in uni, and even though we have home broadband and a dongle for his ipad (paid for by me) he just said yes, it's a pity we can't afford that.

Taltos

OK - well as a poster above said - forget about this other man for a moment.

Just focus on your marriage - what do you want to do there?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a leech? Have you exhausted all avenues?
If you know the answer then make a choice - stay with him for convenience or make the break and fight for a fully independent life.
From the extra information you provided I really don't see any positives there, staying with someone you love because they can't care for themselves isn't a great reason and is a great recipe to build feelings of regret and/or hate in the person sacrificing their dreams.

I would be wary about making it known you left him for someone else - no matter what, friends/family may judge you. It could just be that this college guy is the catalyst that helped open your eyes to what you are potentially missing. I just encourage you to be sure before you make any life changing decisions. Also we all know about rebound relationships - as a regular here you know they are fraught with danger so please take it carefully there.

To be honest I am not sure how you have put up with what you have, but there are always two sides, and some of your actions instead of "retraining" him appear to have facilitated his behaviour. Please don't think I am saying it is your fault, I amn't, just trying to point out that it is critical that you make your decision on cold facts and not on hyped emotions. So yes, take responsibility for your choices/decisions and plan out what you want to do next...

Best of luck OP - either way it does not sound you will have a nice time ahead of you but if you plan this carefully hopefully you will have the full support of family and friends which can really help on these matters. If you found marriage counselling helpful before maybe give it one more shot on your own - it always helps to talk to a 3rd party just as a sounding board. Sometimes when you say things out loud it adds that extra gravitas to them we need to really let them filter through our stodgy minds.

bon ami

I think you should stop kidding yourself. I am always amazed at the number of people who think the grass is greener on the other side. Firstly, I have met numerous people who are 45+ who look 30. Normally they don't but they love the flattery of being told they do. Normally by dishonest people.

In relation to the younger guy yes it is nice to get the attention and it is flattering but it is going nowhere. Put some effort into your marriage and think of your children and grandchildren.

Daisy M

I agree, you need to forget about this other man for now, he is confusing the issue.
Yours does not sound like a happy marriage for you, it does for your husband who, is able to live life as he pleases and make no changes to fit in with the rest of the family, they make the changes in order to fit in around his life and this suits him fine.

If you leave your husband for another man this will cast your husband in the "victim" role and you in the "bad guy" role, it could end up been that way for a very long time. Your relationship with your children and grandchildren would suffer and in turn your new relationship.

The first thing I would urge you to do is contact your good friend who helped you so much when you were sick, apologise for dropping her and make amends. It is shocking that your husband can control you so much and that you would allow him to. Does he control you in other ways?

47 is young, forget about how you look, many people are told they look younger than they are, that's not of any importance and shouldn't influence who you go out with. If you fancy a younger man and he you accept it for what it is and don't make excuses.

I presume you will be breaking shortly for the summer, tell your friend you will not be contacting him. Use the time to sort your life out. You need to be comfortable knowing that if you are making changes you are making them for you alone and will be comfortable living alone if it comes to that.
Best of luck.

Merkin

I think this crush that you have (and it is a crush, I don't think you're in love) is secondary to the real issue that you have. I know in the past, I've had a personal issue and rather than address that issue head-on I have focused on entirely secondary issues. It's natural and it happens.

However if you really think there is any potential of a relationship with this other man (and I hate to say it but I think it probably unlikely, it would have to be the romance of the century for a lad of 30 to take on someone else's grandchildren) then you really have to sort out your mess of a marriage first.

It sounds like you have very little love and respect for your husband and rather than confront that you've resorted in means of escape. Firstly by moving out and pursuing academia and now with this crush. Ultimately none of these things will "save" you or repair your crumbling relationship, in order to do that you have to tackle the issues head on.

The question boils down to whether you want to save your marriage. Do you? I urge you to completely forget about this crush for now as it will merely cloud your judgement. You need to decide, first by yourself and then jointly whether the marriage is worth saving. I think at 47 you are young and we're thankfully no longer in archaic times where one has to "put up and shut up". If you can't see a future with your husband and have no interest in marriage counselling then you should seek legal advice. I do think the decision shouldn't be entirely unilateral though and you do desperately need to talk to your husband about this, if for no other reason than to have the decency to consult him.

I hope this works out for you. My over-riding advice about your crush though is just to forget about that for now and focus on what's really important - i.e. the future for you and for your marriage.

shalalala

Op. Forgetting this other man. You need to get out of this relationship for your own good. Your husband is not going to change and it sounds like he has enjoyed living off your success and money and your energy spent in the relationship. I don't think another round of counselling will even do any good. Look for help from a solicitor on splitting your possessions and leave him.

Oryx

You are not in love with a much younger man.

You are enjoying attention from a much younger man. You are getting aspects from him that have long been missing from your marriage. You may be deeply attracted to him. But you dont love him.

Your marriage, for all its faults, provides stability, status, and security. Perhaps that is why you stay within it. Leaving would be turmoil, and have far reaching effects. But I have yet to meet anyone who made the decision and left a bad marriage who regretted it afterwards.

fungun

anon this time wrote: »

We've done the separate holidays thing with him going on golfing trips in Ireland and the UK as he doesn't like flying and after going to scotland for the British Open, proclaiming he would never sail again; and me heading off to less beaten tracks with a friend.

sorry - by different holidays I actually meant 'a change from the norm', not separate holidays. To be honest this is backing up my point - your kids have left and you seem to be living very different lives with no overlap. You are going to college, staying away, going on off the beaten track holidays. He stays at home and takes local holidays.

So it not only sounds like you have very separate lives, you also sound like you have very different visions of what you are wanting from your life at the moment. Have you guys spoken about what you want out of life? As far as I see usually relationships have some overlap either in common interests, values, life priorities or a mixture of these - sounds like you have none of these at the moment.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all of your replies, they've really been very helpful. After reading them, I think the best course of action is to speak with my husband this weekend and tell him that our marriage is over and I want a separation. Bleak but that's really what needs to be done. I've realised I've nothing left to give him. And no, I don't respect him although he does have many good points. The sticking point for me is the absolute lack of ambition and his total acceptance and stated wish to be a kept man. I've realised reading over this thread that that's what's really eroded my feelings for him and I've begun to resent him deeply. He doesn't want to holiday with me other than weekends away within a 2 hour drive from home. Our visions are completely different. He thinks he's old and wants to act old. I don't believe either of us is past it yet. Someone said I stay for security, status and convenience. That's it in a nutshell, plus laziness and the idea that I can't do any better, which I've realised lately isn't necessarily the case. Or even if it is and I end up ill and alone in a bedsit with my family angry that I left, at least I'll have had fun trying.

Regarding my friend that I dropped, will definitely contact her, apologise and try to make amends. My husband has never liked any of my friends and has put pressure on me not to spend time with them.The two that I have managed to keep are at arms length.

I'm not going to mention my friend because as many of you have pointed out, that will muddy the waters. The advice about stopping contact over the summer is great but I don't think I can do it. I took today off to think about things and complete some research for an assignment. He's on my mind all day and has sent five texts. I've responded in a generally friendly way but he's being very persistent and wants to come round to see me. He hasn't been in here before, has just walked to the gate with me up to now. Am thinking of suggesting meeting for a coffee and a chat and just being honest with him. Maybe tell him that I probably have a crush on him that's inappropriate right now, and if he feels the same, that we have to pull back from each other and be friends with no flirting. If he doesn't feel the same, what will I have lost? a bit of face I suppose, maybe my only real friend in uni, but at this stage I'm so stressed with the status quo that this would at least be progress and a platform to move on from. If anyone reads this in the next hour or so, please let me know your thoughts before I suggest meeting for coffee. Thanks again, I sincerely appreciate the help.

LegacyUser

Sorry, op here again. Think I should clarify one thing. My friend isn't a player at all and I don't think he'd be looking for a sleazy affair. There are lots of very attractive young women around uni who have made it clear they'd like to hook up with him but he's not interested in that type of thing. He lost his wife suddenly in his late 20's and has only recently come to terms with it all. He's a very sincere sort of guy.

Taltos

OP - as always I advise caution here.

You are bouncing through a range of emotions and have just decided to end your marriage.
I think laying your cards on the table to your friend and asking for some space is a good thing. I am not sure about cutting contact with him but I definitely think that until you work through the emotions of your marriage anything else would not be fair on him or you.

Wish you all the best at the weekend.

username123

anon this time wrote: »

Sorry, op here again. Think I should clarify one thing. My friend isn't a player at all and I don't think he'd be looking for a sleazy affair. There are lots of very attractive young women around uni who have made it clear they'd like to hook up with him but he's not interested in that type of thing. He lost his wife suddenly in his late 20's and has only recently come to terms with it all. He's a very sincere sort of guy.

Just regarding this, I think that maybe this guy is having a "safe" flirt with you, as far as he knows you are married and things wont go any further. Thats a world away from being confronted with a woman who has left her husband!!!

I think you are doing the right thing to talk to your husband. Thats really what your problem is, not the younger guy at all. You sound fed up of the life you have with him - and why not, you paint a bleak picture. You deserve to have a life you want. Im only 8 years younger than you and myself and my husband have a great time together and he makes me feel good about being me!! Thats how it should be! (We are not married long but have known each other since childhood) You should be having a nice life with your chosen partner, not just feeling fed up and resentful. You only get one shot at life, you know?

On the coffee thing - I think it sounds good to lay it out that way and take distance.

Taltos

OP - just one thing - once you tell your husband it is over things or events will effectively get a life of their own. Maybe before saying anything you should go and get some legal advice, get fully informed of your rights and the process you now face.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all of your sound advice. Haven't had internet access all week. Things took on a life of their own as I now see was predicted by Taltos! and I don't know what to do.

Last Thursday evening my friend arrived at the front door before I had time to suggest meeting. Before I got to say anything he started to apologise for the nearly kiss, said he was in love with me but knows I'm married, probably don't feel the same and even if I did that I wouldn't be unfaithful so it would be better for him if we avoided each other because he couldn't keep up being just friends any longer.

I could have kept quiet and agreed, but instead I told him the truth. That I had thought I was falling for him too but now believe it's a crush. He was shocked. Thought it was all on his side.

Won't go into the details but we talked until morning. He wants me to move into a
guest room at his place and to try staying friends until I've sorted out the end of the marriage. He says he's prepared to wait however long it takes and that there won't be any pressure. There's no way he would take rent as he owns the place outright, but said that if I agreed, he'd have no problem telling my family and friends that I'm his lodger and acting accordingly in their presence. He has an 11 yr old daughter who lives up north who he supports financially & sees every second weekend and during school holidays and says he's not interested in having more children so I shouldn't be concerned about that.

On Friday we spent the day in Uni, mostly together and then I went grocery and pet stuff shopping and drove home to my husband. Was so tired, I forgot toilet rolls and mustard.

Husband hit the roof about this - even though he hadn't been at work at all on Thursday or Friday so could have volunteered to do the shopping but never does. This lead to a long overdue argument after he said stuff about me not taking care of my responsibilities - which I took to mean him. It was horrible. I didn't have the energy to get into the whole marriage talk so walked the dog, cleaned out the rabbits, took a bath and went to bed.

He was gone golfing when I got up at 8.30 on Saturday. I cleaned the house, changed the bed, laundry etc and then the kids and grandkids arrived in dribs and drabs all afternoon and evening. Husband went to bed early - picture but no sound - so no talk that night. Same thing Sunday. It's a big day when I cook dinner for the whole gang. I asked him quietly when he came back from golf if he would talk before I left that night as we had some important things to sort out and he agreed. Last of the family left at 8.30. He knew I was going back to the city and we wouldn't be together again until next weekend but he said he wasn't in the mood to talk and wanted to watch tv. I persisted and he told me to stop nagging. I ended up blurting out that I want a separation, trying to speak over sky sports. He said he would never agree to that, that we love each other and that we're just going through a rocky patch, and that as soon as I got rid of my notions about changing careers we'd be back on track. I tried to disagree but he kept repeating that it's not going to happen - with one eye on the tv the whole time. In the end I got my bag ready and left. Didn't iron his shirts for the week, an pure act of rebellion on my part.

When I got back to the houseshare I texted him to say I'm serious and that our marriage is over and he texted back that it's my monthlies talking and that it was only toilet roll, not to be so bloody melodramatic.

Have been mulling everything over all week. Had a lot of assignments due so stayed away from uni and met my friend just once, yesterday for a couple of hours. Haven't had any contact with the husband at all. Today I made an appointment with a solicitor. My husband texted to ask where his shirts are while I was on the phone. I don't know what to do next. Whether to go home tomorrow or not, to tell our kids the marriage is over or not, to move into my friends or not (not sure I could keep up the friend thing at such close proximity tbh, the atmosphere between us is electric). It's all so up in the air. One thing the solicitor said on the phone was that I might have to pay maintenance - does anyone know if that's always the case? He's a healthy adult with no dependents so I'm stunned by that. Thanks again and sorry it's so long, hard to condense all of this down to a couple of sentences.

username123

anon this time wrote: »

Have been mulling everything over all week. Had a lot of assignments due so stayed away from uni and met my friend just once, yesterday for a couple of hours. Haven't had any contact with the husband at all. Today I made an appointment with a solicitor. My husband texted to ask where his shirts are while I was on the phone. I don't know what to do next. Whether to go home tomorrow or not, to tell our kids the marriage is over or not, to move into my friends or not (not sure I could keep up the friend thing at such close proximity tbh, the atmosphere between us is electric). It's all so up in the air. One thing the solicitor said on the phone was that I might have to pay maintenance - does anyone know if that's always the case? He's a healthy adult with no dependents so I'm stunned by that. Thanks again and sorry it's so long, hard to condense all of this down to a couple of sentences.

Well, the timing wasnt ideal but well done on broaching it with the hubby. No real surprise he tried to dismiss you, this is not a truth he will want to face. Plus you didnt get to actually explain how you were feeling to him because you were trying to talk over Sky Sports. Not very respectful of him to be so dismissive of you btw, but I guess thats just a symptom of the rot in the whole thing eh?

Moving in with your friend - no. Dont do this, it will put you under a compliment to him, and you need to keep things on an even keel. You need to keep this guy at arms length while you sort your separation out.

The legals - obviously you will be taking the advice of your solicitor but re the spousal support, I believe it comes down to affidavit of means from both sides and a "fair" compromise is reached. It will depend on incoming and outgoing for both - someone is going to be leaving the family home, maybe both, so rent, wages etc will be taken into consideration. If he has his own means then he may play fair and just support himself. Its going to depend on whether or not a separation is reached with mediation or ends up going to court. The best advice here is dont take advice off strangers on the internet! Listen to your solicitor.

In terms of next moves I think you should write down the things you were unable to say to your husband in a letter, then go home at the weekend and give him that letter. I think he has shown you he is unwilling to talk. I wouldnt stay in the house with him again tbh.

Are you going to move out or do you want him to move out? If its going to be you, then go get your stuff and move out. Otherwise give him notice to move out and stay away until he does. Beyond that take advice from your solicitor. I wouldnt go telling the kids etc until your husband has actually accepted that the separation is happening.

Good luck to you, its a tough time, but you will get through it.

Stavro Mueller

I'm afraid I don't know that much about the nitty gritty of what happens when a husband or wife wants to leave so this post isn't going to be of great use to you. I just wanted to echo what the poster above me said. Do not under any circumstances move in with your friend at the moment. Aside from what username123 has said, it will draw him into the crossfire of what is going to happen. You don't know yet how your kids will react or indeed other family members.

I also suggest that if there is anything in your house that is of sentimental value to you, get your hands on them as soon as you can and put them somewhere safe. My cousin made that mistake when she split up with her husband - she never got back some much-loved family photos. I think he threw them on the fire or something.

carlows

Hi OP,
How have you put up with your husband for so long? You deserve much better than him. I'm glad you have decided to leave him, it can't have been easy.
I'm happy for you that your Uni friend feels the same but take things slow.
Hope it all works out well for you

Hannibal Smith

Usually when a couple separate the one who earns more must pay the other maintenance. I know you have no dependent children left at home, but did the husband stay at home to raise them while you worked? that could be a factor.

Either way I think you are incredibly brave and I'm delighted you're taking a second chance. I hope you have every success, and if the children have a problem they will have to grow up and accept it.

I would move in with the guy. It will save you rent, get you out of the horrible city living conditions you're in, and if anyone asks you can say you're a lodger. maybe even insist on paying some form of rent?.

Whatever happens next I really wish you the very best and hope everything works out for you.

Daisy M

Do not move in with your friend, this would be one of the worst things you could do. If a relationship developed with him your family would always view him as the man who broke up their parents marriage. Living with him will complicate things further for you and your feelings will be clouded. You need to know if you leave your husband what your true feelings are, if you miss him and still love him or if you are relieved you have left. The distraction of the other man will delay you from knowing your true feelings. I feel you are looking for the easy way out and making excuses to justify moving in with your friend.

Now I have to say your husband sounds like a nightmare, he sounds more like a juvenile dependant than a grown man. Why have you allowed yourself to be treated as a doormat for so long, it sounds as though you lack self confidence or have low self esteem.

Regarding your home and financial matters, speak to your solicitor and get the best advice possible for you.

Taltos

OP

sorry it has happened this way - but look on the bright side - it has happened.

Some suggestions:
1. Your friend - all relationships are difficult, but bringing the baggage and the accusations and the stress of a separation to a new relationship is just not fair on you or him. Take it slowly. Ideally agree to keep it friendly until the dust settles. Do NOT move in with him - again whatever your intentions - one night after a crappy day or after some wine and this relationship will sprout wax wings...

2. Husband - stay consistent here. You have told him you want out so follow through. Do not send mixed messages - either verbally or through actions. So no more ironing / washing etc. As of the date you informed him you are starting a new life. I am not going to kid you here the next few months are going to be tough, I know someone who had to drop out of a PhD due to similar circumstances. It all got too much for her.

3. Family - talk to them. Let them know that you are beyond the point of no return. You just want to be happy and are beyond tired of being someones servant. Be as honest as you can be - but whatever you do don't tell them there is someone else. If you must tell them that you have seen how others are happy and you deserve to feel the same.

4. Maintenance - we cannot provide legal advice here. So please see your solicitor again. Gather details on all incomes, savings, payments. Your solicitor is right you might well be liable to provide for your husband but mediation might help with this. Can I also suggest that you both attend couples counseling - it might help him accept that it is over. However - you need to be prepared, when your husband accepts that this is it - he might very well get angry and spiteful and could drag this out for years.

Surround yourself with your friends at the moment - you need support - but please do take care not to fall into the other relationship without first getting your own life and head in order.

daisybelle2008

OP, I think the difficulty will be with your kids, the are going to take 'sides' based on how your husband reacts. You have taught your family that you are their servant, financially and physically. Doing so much for your husband for so long has trained him to be an over dependent man child, not an equal partnership. Their reaction to you going to uni is kind of indicative that they see you as a 'role' not a person. They are unlikely to appreciate that you have needs or wants, so they are not going to accept this and you will very quickly be seen as the bad guy, even without them knowing about your friend.
Do your best to stay on side with your husband and not have a bust up with him.if you can be amicable it will make things easier. I am not sure how you can do this but you know the man. See how it goes. You spend an awful lot of time and money on your family, which means they will not take a rock to the status quo too well. The dynamic seems to be a lot more dependency than will help you now that you are trying to assert your independence.
Good luck, but I would leave your friend out of the picture for a good while or at least out of the equation for them.

CaraMay

Op I don't know why you insist on calling him your friend. This is the man you are ending your marriage for. If he was a woman he would be called a mistress. People on here seems to treat men having affairs in a harsher manner than women who do, which isn't fair.

You husband does sound horrible but you have let him treat you that way so you have to take some responsibility for this.

You need to stand on your feet for a while and not run from one man to the next. Display some of that independence you talk about and see how this relationship goes. You may not want to hear it but rebounds seldom work so don't alienate your family for this man who may turn out to be nothing more than a fling and an excuse to finally leave your husband.

_Kaiser_

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I don't know why you insist on calling him your friend. This is the man you are ending your marriage for. If he was a woman he would be called a mistress. People on here seems to treat men having affairs in a harsher manner than women who do, which isn't fair.

You husband does sound horrible but you have let him treat you that way so you have to take some responsibility for this.

You need to stand on your feet for a while and not run from one man to the next. Display some of that independence you talk about and see how this relationship goes. You may not want to hear it but rebounds seldom work so don't alienate your family for this man who may turn out to be nothing more than a fling and an excuse to finally leave your husband.

Disagree completely..

I've read the whole thread and first off OP, genuinely well done on making the decision to leave a situation that has made you miserable for so long - especially given the financials, kids/grandkids and everything else involved. So many people would have just "put up with it" but you've made the decision that you (rightly) deserve more out of life than to be someone's meal ticket and housekeeper so I can't say enough about the bravery of this decision and the strength it must have took.

With regards to the above post.. one thing that strikes me from reading her posts is just how realistic and practical the OP is trying to be. This isn't a teenage crush and she doesn't want to hurt anyone but she feels she's done all she can and having read (what I know is one side of the story yes) the tale, I honestly can't blame her. She's done the counselling, attempts to talk directly and work on her marriage all to no avail - to have her husband pay more attention to the telly while she tells him she wants to leave. I don't know what more she can do?

All this judgemental rubbish about affairs and guilt-tripping that some people have posted in this thread is exactly why so many people stay together in loveless marriages - because god forbid the family/neighbours/friends might tut tut about the situation without knowing the reality behind the curtains.

With regards her college friend.. it seems to me that they have both been through some very hard times, but have despite this developed strong feelings for one another. Neither seems to be - or want to be - rushing into anything.. again they're both trying to do what they think best for each other and everyone else - the fact the guy is saying he's willing to do the pretense of being her landlord to make her life a little easier proves that.

Saying he's just a fling is harsh - it may not work out for a variety of reasons - but it seems more to me that the guy was merely the catalyst that opened her eyes to the unacceptability of her life at home rather than just the lure of something new.. the fact that they both seem to feel the same is simply a positive in this sad tale.

Life is rarely black and white folks and sometimes things happen that you didn't plan, expect or where the timing couldn't be worse... but that's how it goes.

OP, I don't post in this forum much, but I genuinely hope that things work out for you and your friend if you do indeed decide to give things a go. Don't mind the disapproving clucks of those who don't know the situation or what you've been through, and be true to yourself (cliché though that is). Ultimately it IS your life and you deserve to be happy too.