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Boyfriend rather tight fisted

  • 07-01-2013 8:34pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 525
    ✭✭✭


    Where do I begin, my bofriend of nearly 6 years is working away in China for the past 16mths but makes it back home when on work duties, Anyway he was staying with me for 2 weeks holidays this Christmas, I brought all the food and drinks and everything needed to make a nice Christmas and New Year, I at present went back to study after becoing redundant 2 years ago and I get an allowance of €208 a week,
    Christmas morning I gave my boyfriend his card and a gift, and a wee bottle of port as a fun present.. In return I got a fridge magnet and he said he would get something later in the week, did not think much of that, except I did not get a card.. Later on in the week he thought he should look at getting me a smartphone so we could Skype and text each other via wifi. yeah good idea I guess, then he begun research and he saw they were rather expensive.. the cheapest one €80.. then it rose to €150..
    so no phone was coming..
    We had planned for I to go to visit him in China in March as he has loads of air miles that he could use,so I would have a free flight once the tax was paid..He booked the flight and then asked me for my credit card so i would pay the tax that was €470 now i didn't expect him to pay the full amount but i felt he should have offered to pay for some bit.. As I am also funding my own trip, He at the moment is very well paid ex-pat with no bills what so ever to pay while he is away, he has a cleaner, and driver, a huge apartment all paid for by his company, even his flights home are paid for,
    I never noticed this before as I always had money of my own when i worked full time, and I guess it never bothered me, but now I am spending what remains of my redundancy.
    Went to a friends house party and he brought the bottle of port I gave him as a present to my friend, as he saw i had another bottle at home..

    I don't know why I am so bothered, but a few months ago he spoke of me coming over to live in China some day, but what I saw over Christmas I don't think I would be supported by him in ther beginning,and would only go to resent him.
    I am still booked to go to China, but now I see China as a holiday and not as a prelude to us been together..

    Oh i asked him to pay for my visa fee, That was my Christmas present.

    Any words of wisedom to get me through this year


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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 167 jomc
    ✭✭


    Halo Kitty wrote: »
    Where do I begin, my bofriend of nearly 6 years is working away in China for the past 16mths but makes it back home when on work duties, Anyway he was staying with me for 2 weeks holidays this Christmas, I brought all the food and drinks and everything needed to make a nice Christmas and New Year, I at present went back to study after becoing redundant 2 years ago and I get an allowance of €208 a week,
    Christmas morning I gave my boyfriend his card and a gift, and a wee bottle of port as a fun present.. In return I got a fridge magnet and he said he would get something later in the week, did not think much of that, except I did not get a card.. Later on in the week he thought he should look at getting me a smartphone so we could Skype and text each other via wifi. yeah good idea I guess, then he begun research and he saw they were rather expensive.. the cheapest one €80.. then it rose to €150..
    so no phone was coming..
    We had planned for I to go to visit him in China in March as he has loads of air miles that he could use,so I would have a free flight once the tax was paid..He booked the flight and then asked me for my credit card so i would pay the tax that was €470 now i didn't expect him to pay the full amount but i felt he should have offered to pay for some bit.. As I am also funding my own trip, He at the moment is very well paid ex-pat with no bills what so ever to pay while he is away, he has a cleaner, and driver, a huge apartment all paid for by his company, even his flights home are paid for,
    I never noticed this before as I always had money of my own when i worked full time, and I guess it never bothered me, but now I am spending what remains of my redundancy.
    Went to a friends house party and he brought the bottle of port I gave him as a present to my friend, as he saw i had another bottle at home..

    I don't know why I am so bothered, but a few months ago he spoke of me coming over to live in China some day, but what I saw over Christmas I don't think I would be supported by him in ther beginning,and would only go to resent him.
    I am still booked to go to China, but now I see China as a holiday and not as a prelude to us been together..

    Oh i asked him to pay for my visa fee, That was my Christmas present.

    Any words of wisedom to get me through this year

    Why do you think he should support you???

    Tbh i think a lot of this is you feeling some entitlement to his money and benefits...apart from the re gifting of the port, thats stinge


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 Lorna123
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    You bought all the Christmas fare plus his present. That was very generous of you and I would have expected him to give you something if he was staying with you for 2 weeks at your expense. I would also have expected a gift, even a late one and one I didn't have to ask for.

    Asking you for your credit card to pay the tax was insulting. That could have been his present to you had he been thoughtful enough, but he failed on that score too.

    I have no words of wisdom for you OP because I would just lose interest in a guy who treated me like that.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,010 saiint
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    have to agree with jomc
    im not trying to have a go at you
    but 450e is alot of money
    of course if you dont want to go you should of said no you cant expect him to pay all of it
    he never said he did , you probably took it up wrong when he asked you
    but to be honest you getting him a port for xmas? what did you expect in return anyway? a smartphone and a free flight to china? i cant imagin him being on great money
    fair enough a magnet for xmas as well its doesnt exactly put you in a christmas spirit he could of at least got you a card
    if i was you i would focus more on does he love you rather then is he tight fisted because hes not being stingy but doesnt seem to me IMO that he cares for you much since he spends so much time away from you and it comes around to a happy time of the year and a magnet was to show how much he missed ya


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 Merkin
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    That level of stinginess would turn me right off someone tbh. If you want to continue with the relationship then you at least have to say it to him how hurtful and disrespectful you find his behaviour. He sounds like a sponging miser tbh...sorry


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ash23
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    He paid for your visa. That was your present. The magnet was just a token. As for the port, he can't take it back with him, you've another bottle at home....why not take it to the party.....
    He gave you the airmiles which covered the bulk of your flight. I'm pretty sure if and when you go over he'll buy in food and drinks etc. That's what you do when you have guests.

    Just because he has more than you doesn't mean he should cover your costs. Just because he gets free flights doesn't mean he should pay for yours.

    Does he ever pay for anything (drinks, dinner?)
    Is he fairly good about splitting bills or does expect you to pay? From what you've described things sound reasonably balanced.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 525 Halo Kitty
    ✭✭✭


    Thank you all for your honest opinion, It has given me food for thought indeed, I was not getting a free flight to China and i never expect it, but it was his idea that i should visit China to give me some idea of his life over there,
    I have to agree with Merkin I should have said things when he was here and i now asking myself why I didn't, but I see things more clear now and I think when i do travel I will get an even better picture of his new life style and I think I am very lucky that i have space to think about what to do for my future,
    Thanks again for all the replies.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 224 Mervenut
    ✭✭


    saiint wrote: »
    have to agree with jomc
    im not trying to have a go at you
    but 450e is alot of money
    of course if you dont want to go you should of said no you cant expect him to pay all of it
    he never said he did , you probably took it up wrong when he asked you
    but to be honest you getting him a port for xmas? what did you expect in return anyway? a smartphone and a free flight to china? i cant imagin him being on great money
    fair enough a magnet for xmas as well its doesnt exactly put you in a christmas spirit he could of at least got you a card
    if i was you i would focus more on does he love you rather then is he tight fisted because hes not being stingy but doesnt seem to me IMO that he cares for you much since he spends so much time away from you and it comes around to a happy time of the year and a magnet was to show how much he missed ya

    She got him a gift (unspecified) as well as the card and port! And the tax was her entire income for over 2 weeks!

    OP, I don't think you are expecting him to support you, just pay his way and given your circumstances help with an expensive trip to see him, his air miles cost him nothing so the least he could do is contribute to the flight or buy the phone!

    I think you are right in thinking he's mean, thoughtless and uncaring, I suggest you talk to him about it and ask what he thinks about not contributing to his keep for 2 weeks given you aren't earning, if you don't get a good apology then I'd be thinking about dropping him.
    Good luck OP.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 Czarcasm
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    Quite honestly?

    He'd have been quickly back out the door with his miserable fridge magnet buried in the back of his head!

    What's he going to send you for valentines- a company pen?

    Seriously, get rid. Not even because of the miserable "presents", but because of his tight-fisted and thoughtless behaviour!

    He sounds like he's all promises as long as it costs him nothing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 915 judgefudge
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    Hmm. I wouldn't really expect him to support you but he does sound pretty stingy. I mean if your financial situation is tight and, as you say, he is on a very good wage it would be a decent thing for him to do to try and make your situation easier. Long distance relationships suck so being able to Skype using a phone and see each other in person more often can make all the difference.

    In one way I would not expect/demand that he pay for these things, but I would question the character of someone that wouldn't want to make their partners life a bit easier.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 CaraMay
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    Op am not sure if it was you who posted about him before and if not then sorry.

    See what he is like in china but is there any talk of a firm future for ye?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 420 CommanderC
    ✭✭


    Halo Kitty wrote: »
    Where do I begin, my bofriend of nearly 6 years is working away in China for the past 16mths but makes it back home when on work duties, Anyway he was staying with me for 2 weeks holidays this Christmas, I brought all the food and drinks and everything needed to make a nice Christmas and New Year, I at present went back to study after becoing redundant 2 years ago and I get an allowance of €208 a week,
    Christmas morning I gave my boyfriend his card and a gift, and a wee bottle of port as a fun present.. In return I got a fridge magnet and he said he would get something later in the week, did not think much of that, except I did not get a card.. Later on in the week he thought he should look at getting me a smartphone so we could Skype and text each other via wifi. yeah good idea I guess, then he begun research and he saw they were rather expensive.. the cheapest one €80.. then it rose to €150..
    so no phone was coming..
    We had planned for I to go to visit him in China in March as he has loads of air miles that he could use,so I would have a free flight once the tax was paid..He booked the flight and then asked me for my credit card so i would pay the tax that was €470 now i didn't expect him to pay the full amount but i felt he should have offered to pay for some bit.. As I am also funding my own trip, He at the moment is very well paid ex-pat with no bills what so ever to pay while he is away, he has a cleaner, and driver, a huge apartment all paid for by his company, even his flights home are paid for,
    I never noticed this before as I always had money of my own when i worked full time, and I guess it never bothered me, but now I am spending what remains of my redundancy.
    Went to a friends house party and he brought the bottle of port I gave him as a present to my friend, as he saw i had another bottle at home..

    I don't know why I am so bothered, but a few months ago he spoke of me coming over to live in China some day, but what I saw over Christmas I don't think I would be supported by him in ther beginning,and would only go to resent him.
    I am still booked to go to China, but now I see China as a holiday and not as a prelude to us been together..

    Oh i asked him to pay for my visa fee, That was my Christmas present.

    Any words of wisedom to get me through this year

    Dump him.

    My partner and I are low on cash at the mo. We made presents for each other, putting a lot of thought into them with none of the expense.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 415 Degringola
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    Whatever about the disparity in income, paying for flights and taxes etc., if a boyfriend coming to see me after several months away, let alone enjoying my hospitality for 2 weeks, and presented me with something as unthoughtful and paltry as a fridge magnet I don't know if I would get over it I would be so hurt, and indeed insulted. I would rather get nothing!

    He's working in China with all expenses paid and has his own driver. When I think of the dirt cheap beautiful silk, jewellery and fabulous white jade he could have picked up for half-nothing and he produces a fridge magnet. For God's sake he could even have picked up a bottle of perfume at the airport.

    And I don't think I'm being a shallow materialist in feeling this way.

    Sorry, OP, but that would set alarm bells ringing. Has he always been a bit tight or is this recent? Has he financial problems or is he saving like mad for your future? Isthis out of character? You've been together 6 years - has he always been like this and you perhaps brushed it off? You really need to think this through. Your own visit to China if you go ahead with it having weighed up 6 years of past performance will no doubt be the litmus test. Best of luck whatever you decide.

    And the regifting of the bottle of port like that was more cheap behaviour.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ash23
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    He paid for her visa as she had requested as her main Christmas gift. I don't think the magnet was stingy when he'd actually already sorted her main gift as she had asked.

    If I posted on here saying "myself and my boyfriend talked about gifts and I asked him to get my X for Christmas. He did but then on Christmas day he produced a fridge magnet. I'm annoyed because even though he got me what I asked for, he didn't surprise me with another gift".

    That is essentially what happened from what I can gather from the OP.
    She asked, he got.

    Unless OP you mean that after Christmas you asked him to pay for your visa and he did and that he genuinely thought after 6 years that a fridge magnet was ok as your present in which case I'd be pretty peeved with him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 LittleBook
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    Halo Kitty wrote: »
    Christmas morning ... I got a fridge magnet and he said he would get something later in the week, did not think much of that, except I did not get a card.. Later on in the week he thought he should look at getting me a smartphone so we could Skype and text each other via wifi. yeah good idea I guess, then he begun research and he saw they were rather expensive.. the cheapest one €80.. then it rose to €150..
    so no phone was coming..

    Oh i asked him to pay for my visa fee, That was my Christmas present.
    ash23 wrote: »
    Unless OP you mean that after Christmas you asked him to pay for your visa and he did and that he genuinely thought after 6 years that a fridge magnet was ok as your present in which case I'd be pretty peeved with him.

    That's the impression I got from the OP Ash ... he had no real present, said he'd buy a phone later in the week, decided €80 was too expensive so then she asked him to pay for the visa as her Christmas present.

    I agree with Degringola, it takes a distinct lack of thought and consideration to walk through an international airport at Christmas time, travelling back to be with the one you love and NOT pick up a gift, knowing you have none to give.

    I often find these kinds of threads discuss money and finances but really the problem is that lack of thought and consideration. To spend two weeks with my partner who I know isn't working while I'm raking in it in as an ex-pat abroad and not contribute to the house-keeping, not bother my arse to get a decent present ... it's just beyond my comprehension to be honest.

    OP, do take the trip to China and try to get a better picture of things. Circumstances have changed which demands some re-evaluation. Take some time to review past events and use the trip to China to get a perspective on the future.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 145 Carriexx
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    She said he paid her 'Visa Fee' - i dont know if that means he paid of her visa for her?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ash23
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    OP, you've been with him for nearly 6 years. So that's 4 other Christmases, 5 anniversaries and birthdays......is he always useless with gifts or is it a one off?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 LittleBook
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    Carriexx wrote: »
    She said he paid her 'Visa Fee' - i dont know if that means he paid of her visa for her?

    Pretty sure when she says "visa fee" she means the fee to have a visa to travel to China, @ €40 for one trip.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 525 Halo Kitty
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    OP, do take the trip to China and try to get a better picture of things. Circumstances have changed which demands some re-evaluation. Take some time to review past events and use the trip to China to get a perspective on the future
    Littlebook and everyone else that has taken the time to reply thank you all again, I think every person's opinion is so valid and I shall take some time and review what happened this past 2 weeks , ask myself am I been over sensitive or selfish and be prepare to talk to him about how i felt,
    I am so lucky to be given an opportunity to travel and I am going to enjoy the experience No matter what the out come..


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 136 a posse ad esse
    ✭✭


    Halo Kitty wrote: »
    I never noticed this before as I always had money of my own when i worked full time, and I guess it never bothered me, but now I am spending what remains of my redundancy.

    This part of the thread stood out to me the most. When you have stated that things were better for you financially in the past, does he really know what your current circumstances are? I know it is usually a no brainer when someone is a student as most live under a stricter budget. But if you are continuously being generous the way you were whilst in employment perhaps he thinks that things are going well with you financially? It's unbelievable that someone who is well off financially would be so inconsiderately stingy knowing the fact that someone (their significant other) is living off €208/week not to contribute to anything? I know most people who were offered a place to crash with someone for two weeks (saving on hotel expenses) that had a limited income, the visiting person has the courtesy or common sense to be footing food expenses. I have done this automatically without second thought in the past where I stayed at friend's place that was on the dole. I certainly cannot comprehend why and how a significant other would not consider doing so?

    I do wholeheartedly agree that the fridge magnet was thoughtless and insulting and the thing about the phone is miserly too. Asking for your credit card could have been for security purposes since the ticket is under your name. However, it is you who knows what he is really like and being with him for 6 years you have to have had spent at least 5 Christmases and birthdays too with this guy. Was he always this thoughtless and inconsiderate? I just hope for your sake that this was something out of the ordinary for him at the time and that all your hard work and preparations will be reciprocated when you visit him in China.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 525 Halo Kitty
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    I have alot to answer for as i now realise that he may not think that i am using my savings each time he visits, and i know i will have to explain to him that circumstances have changed for me the past 2 years,
    if i am visiting a friends home for a cup of tea or a chat, would bring a cake or a bunch of flowers, but then again maybe i am judging him by my standards and that is where the problem is.
    But i am going to keep an open mind and take part of the blame as i have not expressed any of this to him, and until I can I guess i can not pass judgement.
    Thank heavens for boards as ye have given me a better insight both about myself and about my relationship, We were going to go our separate ways last August, ( long distance is difficult) but he asked if we could start again and look to new beginings, so maybe i am still uncertain about us and looking at everything negative,
    We spoke a wee bit tonight and he has all these plans made for us when i come over, has sent me emails on suggestted places where we could visit, as he has not viewed China much and he wants to be a tourist also..So fingers crossed for both of us. and i hope i find my confidence back that i can communicate with him again without feeling resentment..


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  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,914 Big Bag of Chips
    Admin ✭✭✭✭✭


    You need to let him know before you get over there though that you have no money! So if he wants to do lots of travelling and sightseeing, he's going to have to foot the bill.

    This may all be something of nothing, and when he realises how badly off you are, he will step up (and may even be a bit annoyed at you for not telling him sooner)

    Sometimes, what most people think should be perfectly obvious, needs to be spelled out to others.

    Good Luck!




  • The biggest thing here is a lack of communication, it seems. Sit him down, tell him your circumstances (as someone asked, how much of it is he aware?)

    He paid for your visa to China, which, as you say, was your Christmas present, which you asked for. He didn't necessarily have to get you anything else, but got you something extra. Yes, a fridge magnet isn't great and he could have done better, but he got you it.

    Either talk to him on Skype and explain everything to him, or in person.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 339 TirEoghain
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    Just out of interest, how much would the flights have been without using his FF points?

    I have a lot of points myself for an airline here in Australia, and I value those points just like cash as I can fly home to Ireland with them when the occasion arises. Although I get the points with flying work funded domestic flights, I see this as a small bit of compensation for taking the flights in my own time. Therefore, I do not considering the points to be free. They are hard earned just like my salary and I, like many frequent flyers value them just like hard cash. If I were to use these points to book someone a flight or upgrade, I'd be rather dismayed if the receiver thought I was being a tight ass.

    Whatever about the rest, I view the flight things as him paying for the majority of flight costs, and I just wanted to make sure that is acknowledged.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 525 Halo Kitty
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    TirEoghain I priced the flights last Oct and the agency said it was €749 but my other half told me to wait as he had airmiles, when it came to booking the flight last month it had rose to nearly €900, I had asked him if he was sure he wanted to use his airmiles and I indeed thanked him for the offer, he had over 4 times the amount of airmiles required , as all his flights back home are work related and therefore free in the past year.and he still has enough for 3 flights home himself if he was to decide to take extra holidays, I would not have taken the offer of airmiles,


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