Can't afford to go to Dad's wedding abroad

LegacyUser

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. My parents have been separated since i was quite young and now i'm in my late 20's. A few years ago my dad started seeing a Filipino woman and pretty much from the start she took an instant disliking to me (never spoken of, but made obvious). I did nothing to provoke this and it's not especially part of the issue but maybe important to mention.

A few months ago they announced they wanted to get married and my Dad got engaged to her when he had scarcely started the divorce proceedings with my mother. This really annoyed me, but overall i want to make clear that i'm pleased he has found someone he's happy to marry. So, now the background is established.

They had planned their wedding for late this year but have now brought it forward to August. Incidentally i need to move in August, in preparation to go back to college abroad, which I need to save every penny for between now and then. My dad recently announced that they have booked their wedding in her home town in the Phillipines. This seems to be because it will be his new wife's first wedding and she wants it to be in a church with her whole family there. This makes it impossible for me to afford both their wedding and my education. I don't have a well paying job and my Fiancée is currently out of work so we are struggling to save anything at all right now.

He knows i'm struggling badly financially and planning to go back to college, which at my age I can't afford to put it off another year or two. What's more is I've costed out going to his wedding and I can't find a way to make it cost me less than 7k for myself or 10k if i bring my Fiancée, which is what he expects. To put it in perspective, my partner and I can only afford to have a very small wedding ourselves that can absolutely cost no more than €3000 (and we will have to save like crazy to afford that). Our current savings are pretty much non-existant. In order to afford to go to my Dad's wedding we would literally have to have no lives at all and save every single penny (forgetting about going back to college and having any kind of wedding myself) and also sell most of my posessions including my car.

The worst part is he has a complete inability to see it from my point of view, he thinks if he can afford it, so should everyone else he's inviting and "Sure, they can make it their foreign holiday for the year". I don't know many people nowadays who spend 10k on their holiday, but i haven't been on a foreign holiday in 8 years because i haven't had the money to spare. The most i've had is the occasional bank holiday weekend in the countryside and not even that in the past 2 years. Also, he has just asked me to be a groomsman, but only at the request of one of my siblings who had already been asked to be in the wedding party and thought it was bad form for him not to consider me for a part too.

Personally, I think he is being unreasonable and inconsiderate in his expectations, but I'm worried if i tell him i can't go he'll get really angry, tell me i'm just making excuses not to go and decide to cut contact with me. He has always expected me to do things in a way that suits him. Don't get me wrong, I would be happy to go to his wedding if I could afford it without putting my own life on hold, but that is simply not possible.

I was thinking of suggesting that they have their wedding over there to please his future wife, then come back and have a small scale vow renewal service here so that more of my Dad's friends and family can afford to go, but I don't think he or his new wife would be receptive to that idea.

Sorry for the long post. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am at a total loss on what to do. I don't consider selling all of my (and my Fiancée's) worldly posessions, forgetting about my education or getting a loan to be serious options, but neither is losing my relationship with my dad.

ABajaninCork

OP. You're grown up now with your own life. Your first priority is to you and your fiancee. NOT your father. He needs to understand that you can't be expected to drop everything and go to the Philippines just because he's getting married and he says you must. Have you discussed this with your fiancee? What does she think??

Why don't you take him out for a drink and explain it to him? Tell him what you've told us here. Times are hard financially for a lot of us and you can bet your bottom dollar that if you can't afford it, then a lot of the prospective guests from here can't either. And not everyone wants to spend what little cash they have for an expensive holiday which will include wedding outfits and gift. Your father needs to understand this. He also needs to understand that you have your OWN wedding to plan and save for. If he doesn't, then I think he's being incredibly selfish.

Suggest to him that maybe they could have the wedding over, but have a party when they get back. Or perhaps you can be at the wedding via Skype. A few people have done that, and it's worked quite well.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Ickle Magoo

Your father had a clear choice - to have some sort of wedding/celebration in Ireland that all his family/friends could hopefully afford to attend or have the wedding in the Philippines and it be unlikely that many guests would travel.

It isn't your responsibility to find the funding to attend only necessitated by your fathers considered choices. While I appreciate you are concerned about him cutting contact, I think you need to take a step back and consider whether a father who would see you spend your own wedding fund/get into debt in order to attend his wedding or he'll cut you off is worth making such a huge sacrifice for.

I think your idea of suggesting a party at home that yourself and no doubt others who aren't prepared to shell out that kind of money for someone else's wedding can attend is a great idea. If he won't compromise then that's his prerogative - you shouldn't feel emotionally blackmailed into anything.

All the best.

tinkerbell

OP, do not attend it, you can't afford to go. It would be crazy to put off your education to go to a wedding. Your dad is totally delusional. Does he actually think people would want to make their annual holiday to be a holiday in the Philippines? It's a crazy long flight first of all, and it's not exactly the number 1 tourist destination either. He is being incredibly selfish and self-centred. I can predict that hardly anybody he invites will attend so there will be plenty in the same boat as you. Stand your ground, your old enough to make your own decisions at this age of your life.

ted1

TBH it sounds like there is other stuff going on here.

7k seems a bit much for the philipines. how did you come up with that price?


Are you a mature student or is this your second course?
could you look at transfering to the same course in Ireland as theres no fees (excel registering etc which are still cheaper than abroad)

LegacyUser

Have to agree with Ted1 that 7K sounds very high for a trip to the Philippines. I'm planning a 7 month trip round Asia this year and it's not costing me that much.

Saying that I don't think you should go if you can't afford it. My cousin got married recently in Scotland and high number of family members in Ireland told him they just couldn't afford it and that's just going to Scotland. I can't see a high number of people affording a trip to the other side of the world. My cousin and his wife were very understanding and had a party in our home town a few months later for everyone who couldn't make the wedding.

I can understand your Dad and his partner wanting to have the service in her home country but find it very odd that he is not understanding that many folks would not be able to afford the trip or many would just not want to go that far for a wedding. While I've been to the Philippines before I know many family members who would not want to go there. They would worry about the food, the climate and their safety as there are large sections of the country that are just not safe for western travelers.

Your going to have just be blunt and tell him straight you simply can't afford the trip.

Lorna123

Explain to your Dad what you have told us here and if he cannot see things from your point of view then he is being completely unreasonable. Ask him could he send you the money to go to the wedding and see how quickly he backs off. Don't worry about him cutting you off OP, if he does that then he is not worth caring about.

Dark Phoenix

sit your dad down and have a talk with him about it. Explain how much it will cost and why you can't afford it at the moment.

I travelled abroad to two friends weddings a few years back. It cost me a fortune especially the second time. When I added up flights, accomodation, food etc it was crazy money. It also meant I haven't been able to afford a holiday in 18 months. To be honest if it came up again I wouldn't go.

This perspective people have of 'ah sure people can use it as their foreign holiday for a year' is a bit unfair as lets be honest when its a wedding you will be expected to row in with everyone else and it wont genuinely be a holiday for you and your fiancee (not least when you will be dreading the cost and sacrifice when you get back).

Have a chat with your dad. At the end of the day if he really wants you to go he may be able to help with the cost of it?

looksee

Your father has made his choice, his priority is getting married, rightly so, but he cannot expect that everyone else will be able to fall in with his plans.

There doesn't have to be any hard feelings, unless he chooses to make an issue of it. A friendly and polite explanation of why you cannot go will suffice. Buy a gift, write to the bride wishing her happiness and saying you look forward to meeting her.

Without doing any research at all I am not sure how it could cost 7k to go to the wedding, but that is not the point. Even if it were only half that it is still a lot of money in your situation. Be pleasant, smiling, wish him well, but be firm. You don't have to get into complicated explanations, just say its outside your budget at the moment and much as you would like to, you can't go.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. The costs i have worked through are so high because it is not in an easily accessible part of the country (internal flight plus bus/train) and the hotels there all cater to western businessmen so their prices are a bit on the ridiculous side.

Also, i'm not on a holiday where i can make my own plans, i have to fly at a specific time and stay in a specific place for a specific period where i'll be limited to where i can go, what i can eat etc by virtue of being part of a wedding group as pointed out by Dark Phoenix. I have to factor in a decent wedding gift. I have to pay for my own suit, which has to be a traditional local effort (that means i have to go a week early for a fitting too). Because of the rural locality i have to get several specialised vaccinations which are not cheap. I'll need some very good travel/medical insurance too. I can't give more specific details without compromising my anonymity but it all adds up to way more than i could possibly afford.

I suppose I just have to hope he understands when i talk to him. I think it might be best to sit down with him in front of a computer and go through the costs of everything, add it up and hopefully when he sees the total he will realise just how far beyond my means it is...

Neyite

When is the wedding OP? Could you hold off until he gets a few more people declining as he might realise then that barely anyone will be able to make it, and take it better when you decline. What about the rest of the family? Can they all afford that kind of a trip?

I think your dad is acting like a prima donna to be honest, and needs to cop on. I actually think you are tip-toeing around him too much and are at pains to explain the obvious to him. Just say "Dad, I wont be there - I'm a broke student saving for my own wedding and education,and a trip to the phillipines is way beyond my budget" and tell him that if wants to pay for you, you will gladly attend.

P. Breathnach

If you can't afford to travel, then you should not go.

Your real problem is that you see your father as having unreasonable expectations. There might be some point in spelling out to him how unreasonable he is being, but that does not fully solve your problem.

I suggest that you try to put something positive into the situation. Set up an event here (party, reception, whatever seems to suit) for those who, like you, can not manage the journey to the wedding.

LegacyUser

broke dude wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. The costs i have worked through are so high because it is not in an easily accessible part of the country (internal flight plus bus/train) and the hotels there all cater to western businessmen so their prices are a bit on the ridiculous side.

Also, i'm not on a holiday where i can make my own plans, i have to fly at a specific time and stay in a specific place for a specific period where i'll be limited to where i can go, what i can eat etc by virtue of being part of a wedding group as pointed out by Dark Phoenix. I have to factor in a decent wedding gift. I have to pay for my own suit, which has to be a traditional local effort (that means i have to go a week early for a fitting too). Because of the rural locality i have to get several specialised vaccinations which are not cheap. I'll need some very good travel/medical insurance too.

Honestly OP I would refuse to go on the grounds of personal safety more then anything else. If your dad says anything about that then point him towards the Department of Foreign Affairs website. There is a very high risk of kidnappings in the more rural areas and most if not all domestic airlines in the Philippines are on the EU blacklist. While he might feel comfortable there as he will no doubt be with his partner and her family I would not feel comfortable traveling somewhere rural for a wedding. I've travelled to the country before and while I've friends in Metro Manilla and quite liked parts of the country even my local friends there would tell me not to travel to large parts of the country.

Also having to pay for your own suit that requires you traveling there for an extra week is just taking the piss on your dads part. It's one thing to expect people to pay for flights and hotels for an overseas wedding but to expect [a] the cost of special local clothing and a wedding gift on top would not be on. I think your dad is going to find very few family and friends from Ireland/Europe willing to travel so you shouldn't be the only one telling him no.

homerjay2005

broke dude wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. The costs i have worked through are so high because it is not in an easily accessible part of the country (internal flight plus bus/train) and the hotels there all cater to western businessmen so their prices are a bit on the ridiculous side.

Also, i'm not on a holiday where i can make my own plans, i have to fly at a specific time and stay in a specific place for a specific period where i'll be limited to where i can go, what i can eat etc by virtue of being part of a wedding group as pointed out by Dark Phoenix. I have to factor in a decent wedding gift. I have to pay for my own suit, which has to be a traditional local effort (that means i have to go a week early for a fitting too). Because of the rural locality i have to get several specialised vaccinations which are not cheap. I'll need some very good travel/medical insurance too. I can't give more specific details without compromising my anonymity but it all adds up to way more than i could possibly afford.

I suppose I just have to hope he understands when i talk to him. I think it might be best to sit down with him in front of a computer and go through the costs of everything, add it up and hopefully when he sees the total he will realise just how far beyond my means it is...

being honest here, it sounds like your just looking for an excuse not to go, the things you mention such as a gift, vaccinations and travel insurance are lame in this context and pretty irrelevant and flights to Manilla cost on average €600-€1000. adding in internal travel and a few other things, i think you are grossly over rating the cost of the trip. you can send your fitting details to avoid having to go a week early and you dont need to stay in top hotels either. if your dad wants you there, i am sure he could arrange a place for you to stay for a week.

it would cost you max 2k all things considered, still alot, but no way as bad as your portraying here.

ABajaninCork

homerjay2005 wrote: »

being honest here, it sounds like your just looking for an excuse not to go, the things you mention such as a gift, vaccinations and travel insurance are lame in this context and pretty irrelevant and flights to Manilla cost on average €600-€1000. adding in internal travel and a few other things, i think you are grossly over rating the cost of the trip. you can send your fitting details to avoid having to go a week early and you dont need to stay in top hotels either. if your dad wants you there, i am sure he could arrange a place for you to stay for a week.

it would cost you max 2k all things considered, still alot, but no way as bad as your portraying here.

Maybe the OP is looking for an excuse. Maybe not. The point being whether the trip costs 2k as you say or 10k - He can't afford it !
.
He won't be the only one in that position either.

Lollipops23

OP it's pretty cheeky of your dad to ask you to go to this expense, especially when he knows you have your course and your own wedding to see to.

It's also not normal for the wedding party to pay for their own outfits (especially when it's not something you can re-use) or for guests who've travelled to provide a present (it's usually a case of "your presence is your present).

If he's that dead set on having you there he can foot the bill himself, otherwise he needs to get over it and stop being a child.

username123

I think 7k is way overestimating the cost of a trip to the Philippines but regardless of what it costs, there is a cost involved in travelling to a foreign wedding, both financial and in terms of time (as in, your time is not your own).

Youre not under any obligation to go, you can simply refuse politely. Its not a big deal, simply tell your father that you cannot afford either the trip or the time involved given your own financial commitments here with your education and your own wedding.

Send a nice gift and wish them all the best.

Pawwed Rig

I think the Op has already made up his mind about this tbh. The 7k thing is nowhere near as I visited The Philippines a couple of times, flights to Manilla were around €700 with internal flights being fairly cheap and buses next to nothing. Also living costs there are fairly low once you get out of the tourist areas but even in the tourist areas we are talking a fraction of Irish prices.

Op there is nothing wrong with not going. I missed my sisters wedding when she got married abroad and there were no hard feelings, bought her a nice gift, wished them well etc. Tell your Dad you can't afford it end of story.

curlzy

TBH op I'm totally horrified by your father's unbelievabley selfish outlook. HORRIFIED. I mean WTF! You're a penniless student planning your wedding and he might cut contact if you don't spend thousands on his wedding? Let him cut contact, the pr*ck. Jaysus, it really makes me appreciate my own wonderful Dad. Seriously OP, explain it to him in little words once and if he takes exception to it then cut contact, good riddance.

Pessimist

I don't get why everyone is so obsessed with pointing out that the OP's estimate is way too high - we don't know the details & really it's irrelevant. The Op cannot afford to go - whether he spends €2k or €10k, the wedding is out of his budget given his other priorities. So I think we can stop trying to break down the costs for him :-)

OP I think you should just explain to your dad that you can't afford it, that you love him & support his future marriage & would love to help him celebrate back here in Ireland with his other family & friends. Keep it simple - it is purely financial - but be clear - you aren't able to go.

Pawwed Rig

Well because 2K is less than 10K so it is more affordable. So if the OP made his decision based on 10K then he made his decision based on erroneous information. I would have thought pointing that out would be important as it better allows him to make his decision based on correct data.
If he still cannot afford 2K then he shouldn't go and he is making the right decision based on the correct information

Fluorescence

Tell your dad in no uncertain terms that you can't afford to go, but don't leave it at that. Follow it up with an offer to be there on skype and to have a celebration when they get back to Ireland.

I'd imagine you won't be the only one who can't make it, so don't be worried about offending him. A trip to the rural Philippines is not the same as a quick hop to western Europe, so it's not reasonable of him to get snotty with people for not being able to attend.

Stand your ground and don't allow him to bully you over this.

Pawwed Rig

broke dude wrote: »

I was thinking of suggesting that they have their wedding over there to please his future wife, then come back and have a small scale vow renewal service here so that more of my Dad's friends and family can afford to go, but I don't think he or his new wife would be receptive to that idea.

It would be common practise for Filipino's to do a double wedding. Normally they get married here by a small ceremony and then do the whole circus in the Philippines. The reason is that your Dad will need to be in the country for a minimum of 2 weeks before he will be allowed get married there. Hence if he is already married when he arrives then they just do a ceremony/blessing there whenever they want. Ensure your Dad knows this and he might come around a bit.

woodchuck

OP just tell your Dad you can't afford to go and leave it at that. While I agree that 7K is probably an overestimation, even if the actual total is only 1-2K, it's still 2K you don't have. It would be completely unreasonable of him to expect you to put your own life/education/wedding on hold for a year to attend his wedding. Surely they knew when they were planning it that many people would not be able to afford to attend.

In these situations it's the norm for the couple to have a smaller celebration when they come home for all the family and friends that couldn't make it abroad, but I wouldn't suggest it to him.

LegacyUser

I appreciate everyone's advice and i'm surprised at the number of replies i've gotten on this. I just want to make one thing clear about my cost estimate. It is based on the awkward location, the length of time i'll have to be there for and other expenses i will incur. I'm not throwing wild numbers around as an excuse not to go, i would love to go if I could afford it and fyi 2k would barely cover the international flights. I can't break down the costs or their plans any further but if i really went on the strictest budget i might do it by myself for 5k, which is still a good 4k more than i can afford to put aside for it. I'd appreicate no further discussion on what it costs, as it is not very helpful. Fact is, unless someone knows a way i can do the whole thing for 1k, then it's a non-runner. I should point out that I recently went to a family wedding within Dublin and between the hotel for the night, outfits for myself and my Fiancee, wedding gift and drinks etc it ran up close to 1k.

My plan is to sit him down, go through the costs, and when he sees the total explain to him just how much I can't afford it and also that I have to move for college that month. I'll offer to be there via skype as people have suggested, i'll suggest a party when they get back so that he can have everyone there that he wants and i'll buy them a really good gift. If all that is not enough for him, then i suppose i'll just have to deal with the fallout, whatever that might be.

Cerulean Chicken

broke dude wrote: »

I should point out that I recently went to a family wedding within Dublin and between the hotel for the night, outfits for myself and my Fiancee, wedding gift and drinks etc it ran up close to 1k.

Well if that's the kind of costing you're operating on, €1000 for an average wedding in Ireland, then yes it would easily cost you 7k to get to one in the Philippines. I or we have never, ever spent even close to that for a wedding, I don't see how one night's accommodation (in an "average" hotel), an outfit (which I would rarely buy for one wedding, no need to buy a new one for every single one), a gift and drinks would cost us that much. I went to a wedding last weekend and spent €30 on drinks, wore a €20 dress and we gave €150 gift, maybe revise your own costs??

If I was you I just wouldn't go and would spell that out to my Dad, if you don't have the money you can't go, simple as. Even if I had 7k I don't think I'd spend it on going to anybody's wedding that far away, especially if I needed it for other costs. And if I was considering going they definitely wouldn't be getting a present!

Just suck it up and tell him you can't afford it and aren't going, end of.

LegacyUser

OP I think the reason many people have brought up your costings is because if you are going to sit down with your dad and go through the costs as your reason for not attending you have left yourself open to your father pointing out how flawed your costings have been and ending up having a fight and falling out with your Dad. The cost of internal flights and public transport in the Philippines is nothing, seriously I just booked flights for this coming summer and they were under 40euro - the likes of Air Asia, Tiger Air and Jet Star do dirt cheap flights and the domestic airlines are even cheaper still. There are of course safety issues with a number of the domestic airlines to consider.

I assume as he is marring a woman from there he has a fair idea of the cost of things in South East Asia. If your someone who is just not good at managing your money then fine, 1000 for a wedding in Dublin is utter madness. I mentioned going to my cousins wedding in Scotland at it cost with flights, hotel for 3 nights and present about 350, 400 if I throw in the cost of the dress but frankly I got a dress I've already worn a few more times since so that was money well spent for me and frankly if we'd looked into it more we could have spent alot less. Now 350 was still to expensive for several family members and friends so they didn't go. If you can't afford it you can't afford it but if you go to speak to your dad and say you can't afford 7k he's going to ask were your getting that figure from and think your just making an excuse as you don't want to go. I wouldn't break down figures for him, just say you can't afford the money or the time off due to college. Say you'll be there via skype and offer to help organize a family party when he and his new wife come to Ireland.

Lollipops23

broke dude wrote: »

I should point out that I recently went to a family wedding within Dublin and between the hotel for the night, outfits for myself and my Fiancee, wedding gift and drinks etc it ran up close to 1k.

I fully support your decision not to go to the wedding abroad-but I had to also flag that ~€1000 for a bog standard wedding in Dublin (just the 2 of you) is lunacy. Hell, myself and my OH went to one in Helsinki last Feb and it didn't come to that.

LegacyUser

OP going to Philippines is never ever going to cost you 7k, thats just delusional!!!!! You've decided not to go and you're just looking for excuses and think the money thing is just a handy one for you. If it wasn't the money, you'd use your moving abroad as an excuse or that your dads partner doesn't like you. If you really wanted to go you'd find the money, its not that much. If you have the money to move abroad for college you have the money to go to your dads wedding. Using €30 vaccinations and €20 travel insurance as part of the reason is completely pathetic IMO. Cop on lad. And 1k for a wedding in Ireland? You're either completely stupid with your money or giving idiotically extravagant wedding presents. Neither is your dad's fault. And if you're so broke why don't you stay in Ireland for college?

I'd also be willing to put money on your fiance not wanting to go and is put out by the flight and not having all her little luxuries around her for a while. (I'm guessing her outfit was most of that 1k you spent on the other wedding went on). All this talk of "my wedding is only going cost 3k and I'm spending 10k on going to my dads wedding" sounds like words that have been put in your mouth by a spoilt little girl throwing her toys out of the pram because its taking money from her wedding. Which is probably why your estimates are so high, so you can get sympathy when saying well I'm only spending 3k on my wedding! All you have done is put a price on your relationship with your dad while repeating over and over about how selfish and unreasonable he is. Your only making yourself sound selfish and ungrateful.

LegacyUser

cant log in wrote: »

OP I think the reason many people have brought up your costings is because if you are going to sit down with your dad and go through the costs as your reason for not attending you have left yourself open to your father pointing out how flawed your costings have been and ending up having a fight and falling out with your Dad.

That's the whole point of meeting with him and physically going through it. I might well be missing something that will make it cheaper, so I want him to show me the sites he uses when going there and work off that. Even so, I can't imagine it proving affordable, even if it didn't clash with my moving plans.

I think I have gotten as much help as can out of this, mods please close thread. Thanks.

Neyite

Closed at OP's request