Money & Debt Affecting Relationship

stressed27

Hi All
Have some stuff going on at the moment and maybe some of you might be able to help! Sorry for the long post.
I am with my partner for 9 years we have been living together for 5. All in all we have a good relationship we get on very well and we love each other very much. The only problem in our relationship is me and my incapibility of being able to manage money. I work full time and while I don't earn a huge wage it should be enough to get thru the month, my partner also works full time but wouldn't have as many outgoings as me as he has no loans and a company car and phone and he is unbelievable at money managing. He has tried to help on numerous occasionss with my situation but I have a crippling credit union loan for a car that I don't have anymore and also 2 unsecured loans that I got a few years ago that i am also struggling to pay off. My partner pays for the house and sky bill and I look after the rest of the bills including shopping. I also pay for diesel because I use the car for travelling to and from work. No matter how hard I try at the beginning of the month when I get paid I still cannot make my wages last longer than 2 weeks. This then results in an argument between myself and my partner because he has to give me money for the last 2 weeks. I really hate my situation and it is really starting to affect me, I dread having to tell him that my money is gone because I know it will result in an argument.

Thanks for reading 😊

Ellsbells

Have you compiled a list of what you spend each month and what it's spent on. That has to be the first step.

stressed27

Ellsbells wrote: »

Have you compiled a list of what you spend each month and what it's spent on. That has to be the first step.

Yes I do that every month and no matter how much I think I am on top I always end up with nothing after 2 weeks.

Ellsbells

You need to write down every single thing you are spending money on and see what can be cut.

Do you know now exactly what you spent last months salary on.

loloray

Stop taking money off your partner each month. If you removed this safety net, you will be forced to figure out how to make your money last.

stressed27

loloray wrote: »

Stop taking money off your partner each month. If you removed this safety net, you will be forced to figure out how to make your money last.

I agree but it's def easier said than done, the money I take off him goes towards food shopping and other bits for the house. I will have to go over all my finances between now and the next time I get paid and see what I can cut back on so that this is the last time this happends.

Ellsbells

You will have to write down everything including teas, coffees etc etc

WhyGoBald

Maybe it's time you swapped some of the responsibilities? Your partner takes the task of paying for food and you give him money at the beginning of the month. Get him actively involved in working out your budget, go to MABS if you need outside help. Identify where the money is going to. Work out some system that would allow you a certain defined amount for extras but you cannot go over that.

woodchuck

Ellsbells wrote: »

You will have to write down everything including teas, coffees etc etc

This is exactly what you need to do. You need to have a pen and paper/notebook on you and as soon as you spend ANY money you write it down. This includes all the small miscellaneous things like tea, birthday cards, a snack, lunch (you should make your own instead of buying it in work btw), a drink after work etc. Do this for a month and you'll soon see where all your money is going.

Once you see what your money is being spent on, you can then decide where to cut back.

Tipperary animal lover

Did you ever here of mabs(money advice and budgeting service), have a look at there site and give them a ring and call in if they are near you, found them very very helpful

ANXIOUS

Why don't you give your partner your salary and they can give you an allowance. This will get you to focus on the rubbish you are buying.

stressed27

ANXIOUS wrote: »

Why don't you give your partner your salary and they can give you an allowance. This will get you to focus on the rubbish you are buying.

Thanks for your reply.

I think I will try this when I get paid next I will withdrawn what I have left after bills are paid and get him to give me a wage every week. Ill try anything at this stage.

Ellsbells

stressed27 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.

I think I will try this when I get paid next I will withdrawn what I have left after bills are paid and get him to give me a wage every week. Ill try anything at this stage.

Yeah but you need up figure out what you are wasting money on.

woodchuck

Ellsbells wrote: »

Yeah but you need up figure out what you are wasting money on.

Exactly. Having your partner give you an 'allowance' is only a short term solution. You need to learn to take responsibility for your own money and manage it yourself. The first step is figuring out where it's all going.

Sleepy

There are some handy iPhone/android apps that are great for tracking your money and, since it's on your mobile rather than a notepad you feel like less of a spanner recording it and you'll always have it on you.

Ideally, ye should sit down and work out just how much you're spending each. With him covering the rent/mortgage and sky he might be paying more than you but depending on your use of electricity, gas and grocery shopping habits it's possible that you're spending more than him on this stuff. Better to split all those bills down the middle. Set up a joint account for your household expenditure, each set up standing orders for X amount into that on payday and pay your rent, bills and grocery shopping out of that.

Honey-ec

The first thing you should do is go to MABS, they really are an excellent resource.

The second thing you need to do is make a list of all your recurring monthly outgoings - loan repayments, diesel, phone bill, everything. Multiply the monthly amount by 12, then divide it by 52 and put that amount of money into a separate account every week and service those payments directly from that account. Putting it aside weekly means you're not taking a massive hit at the same time every month, and taking the money out of your current account means you won't spend it on something else in the meantime.

Then you need to take a long, hard look at how you ended up in so much debt in the first place. Only by doing this will you avoid ending up in the same situation in another few years.

Best of luck.

gigawatt2007

Had the same issue a couple of years back until myself and herself opened a joint account. If you are partners and 1 is struggling then ye should be sharing your income and debt issues, a joint account would make you think twice about splurging on items you can't afford when the money is to be shared by the two of you.

Plus it would mean that you'd benefit from his money management abilities.

username123

You need to compile an incoming and outgoings spreadsheet/list for a couple of months.

Clearly if you are running out of money after 2 weeks then you are living way above your means.

You need to record every single cent that comes in and goes out. Then you can see where you are wasting money, and where change needs to happen.

I have a fairly simple philosophy towards money - get paid, pay for responsibilities (mortgage/rent/bills/food), put a set amount into savings, live off the rest. Usually I manage it so the amount I put into savings means that whats left is just right for me to live on. But the main thing is the order of priority - financial responsibilities, savings, fun time cash.

LegacyUser

I don't see the point in giving your salary over to your partner every month so that he then has to give you an allowance every week. That would just be nuts. You really need to face up to the fact that you are not good with money and if he was to do this then its not solving the issue.

I i were you I would keep a receipt of everything you have bought over the last month and look at whats going on. Also make an appointment with MABS to sort out your budgeting issues. Though from what I've read on other forums you could be waiting at least three months for an appointment.

As regards the three loans, is there any way you can consolidate all those three into one big loan instead of having to pay off three different lenders?

StillWaters

I totally disagree with handing responsibility over to your partner, and getting an allowance. This is a very unhealthy dynamic, as is the one now where he is subbing you constantly. This will lead to resentment on his part, and dependency on yours.

You need to take action and responsibility over your own finances. Track everything, give yourself an allowance of x per week, withdraw it and spend no more. Plan your meals and lunches and shop with a shopping list, look into loan consolidation.

woodchuck

gigawatt2007 wrote: »

Had the same issue a couple of years back until myself and herself opened a joint account. If you are partners and 1 is struggling then ye should be sharing your income and debt issues, a joint account would make you think twice about splurging on items you can't afford when the money is to be shared by the two of you.

Plus it would mean that you'd benefit from his money management abilities.

No offense OP, but if I was your partner there's no way I'd want to open a joint back account with you!! Not until you can prove you can manage money properly. Personally I wouldn't ask this, because it's putting him in an awkward position.

LegacyUser

woodchuck wrote: »

No offense OP, but if I was your partner there's no way I'd want to open a joint back account with you!! Not until you can prove you can manage money properly. Personally I wouldn't ask this, because it's putting him in an awkward position.

+ 1 have to agree. Some couples like joint bank accounts but they don't work if one partner is not able to control their spending. My parents had a joint account when they first got married but my mother soon saw my dad had no control over his spending and was in danger of going through both his own money and hers if they didn't get it under control. If the OP has not been able to figure out whats causing their over spending each month being given access to her OH money is not going to help that issue. I would also say the same for the idea of giving control of your money to your OH, that is a short term solution but it still does not address were exactly were the root issue is.

OP do what others have said and write down were every penny is going and I mean ever penny. Don't make changes in your spending just keep track as it's the only way to figure out where your wasting money. Take away coffees in the morning en route to work are often overlooked and add up quickly when it's ever day. We sometimes think we are getting bargains when buying meal deals [sure it's an extra 30 cent etc] but it all adds up in the long run. So keep track then make smart changes to remove that wasted spending.

a posse ad esse

I agree with the posters and their suggestions.

To find out what you spend money on you do need to write everything down including coffee, mints, newspaper, etc. Find out where all your money goes and see if it has to do with frivolous spending. If that is your cause to your financial issues then you need to learn to re-budget and cut down on unnecessary expenses.

There is one more thing I would like to add. It could be possible that your debt to income ratio is too high. If this is your issue, perhaps you do need to find a job with a higher salary or get a second job part time? Also think about debt consolidation and lowering interest rate.

Overthrow

This app is supposed to be a good thing to use.