can a person have a real relationship without sex?

Starr27

Just wanted to get some people's advice around this situation that I am in. Here goes.

I met my bf 5 yrs ago, we knew fairly immediately that we were for each other; we had the same outlook on life etc., got on great, had lots to say, really loved one another.

he lives in a different county and has done for the duration of our relationship; due to work, and his religious beliefs, we couldn't live together (my work isnt doable where he lives. His religious beliefs also prevented us from moving in together). While I wasnt thrilled, i accepted the situation because we were meant to eventually get married and have children.

I made a conscious decision to change my career path so that I could actually move our lives forward, he supported this. he now tells me that he is unsure of the relationship - feels we dont have much to talk about anymore even though he loves me. We have been doing things long distance for ages and i think its reasonable to expect that on some occasions your not going to have intense conversations over the phone on a wednesday night.


I genuinely love this person; and i know without doubt he loved me. We are now on a 'break' in order to try figure things out. But I have to say I feel quite abandoned by the whole thing.

I have also realised that I really did my best to accommodate this lifestyle and religious beliefs because I loved and respected him. I know i keep emphasising here how well we clicked, but we really did, i was completely in love with him and him with me. However, we were never allowed to have a physical relationship because he doesn't believe in sex before marriage.

(I know i sound like a mug, I can assure you I am not, I am a strong woman, I just felt that this person is the one and if i have to respect his opinions/beliefs until we are in a position to live together then that is what i had to do).

He is in his mid 30s and I would say he has a fairly great set up where he is. He still lives at home (but again, he is his own man, has a business, financially independent etc.).

i went to see a relationship counsellor who said that this man clearly has intimacy issues, and that I should run as fast as I could from this situation.

The questions I have are these - did he ever really intend for us to have a life together (was forever proposing - never followed through with a ring, always talking about having kids when we married etc). Is the 'we havent much to chat about' a smokescreen for something else?

I just cant reconcile in my head that this once amazing person has now turned into a cold individual. I am also a little in shock as to how i ended up here. My friends believe that you simply cant have a good relationship with a person if the sex is not there because you need it to build intimacy and to bond.

I can accept that sometimes relationships run their course, but if that is the case, could he not just say that, and let me go. I felt like i was walking on eggshells with him the last few weeks, and really that i had done everything i could for us, the pressure and stress of the situation got to me in the end and we are now on a break.

What are people's thoughts in relation to this?

strandroad

I believe that you can have a good relationship without sex - some people are in sexless relationships for reasons having to do with religion or health, others consider themselves asexual as they feel they have no such needs. Some of them are happy, some unhappy, but you can be happy if it suits you both.

Your problem is that it's not about the both of you - your man calls all the shots. You have accepted his religious beliefs, but by his logic marriage should follow and it doesn't, so he put you in a catch 22 situation. Again he is in charge of proposing, producing the ring etc. What's in it for you if he is blocking you like that and now seems to want to distance himself from you?

Zombrex

The conclusion from reading your post is that, tbh, you don't really know this guy.

This is not unusual in a long distance relationship. Time wise it has been 5 years but in reality the amount of time you have been together is much much shorter. My mum always likens this to skiing, some people say that they have been skiing for 10 years but what that actually means is that they have been skiing for 3 months because that is the amount of time they have spent in those 10 years on skiing holidays if you add it all up. This is a world apart from someone living in the Alps who has actually skied every day for 10 years.

You say he is financially independent but still living at home. This is odd, and you would wonder why that is. Is he too comfortable being looked after at home, does he has mommy issues? It would actually make more sense if he was broke, but to be doing finically well means he is choosing to live at home.

So frankly I think lack of sex is he least of your problems in this relationship. You need to take a step back and ask yourself how much do you really know this guy and how much is filtered fantasy that comes from a long distance relationship. How long have you actually spent with him when he is being totally himself (people are not totally themselves on the phone, or in emails or on skype, we all filter our behavior and you will never get to know the real person through such interactions).

The important thing for you now is to be brutally honest with yourself. Is this what you want, are you prepared to tell him this isn't what you want even if he breaks up with you, are you prepared to make more demands on him to spend more time in the same country as you so you can actually get to know the real him?

The last thing to do is go from a 5 year long distance relationship into marriage. That could end in disaster.

Starr27

thanks for that, I have felt that for a while now, like he doesnt even seem to realise how much i have sacrificed for him. My friends tell me he wont ever find someone again who has bent over backwards for him like this. But that's not a reason to stay with someone and also not the reason i want him to stay. Genuinely love him etc. I accept as the other person in the relationship that the issues are not just caused by him alone, he says sometimes we haven't a huge amount to discuss, but every one of my friends say that when you live with a bf or husband, thats actually quite normal as you are familiar with their routine etc.

i just don't know what to think anymore, i cant believe that the person i thought i was going to spend my life with, and it started out so well, is now having second thoughts and gone cold. I havent stopped crying over this and am really struggling with how things have ended up. Friends are telling me whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger and that I had a lucky escape - but it sure doesnt feel that way!

curlzy

Hey OP,

You say you are a strong woman but I have to say you certainly don't sound like it. Maybe you have an excellent career and are a go getter, are highly educated etc but with regards this relationship you are beyond weak. You been faithful to what amounts to a fluffy promise and a Wednesday night phone call for over 5 years, that's pretty weak don't you think? This is ALL on his terms, no sex, no living together, his Deity dictating your life, don't you see how weak that is? When he mentioned marriage and didn't follow through why did you just put up with it and hang around even longer? What about your needs and wants and plans? Why is this all on his terms? You've basically hung around for over 5 years for a man in a different country all for a Wednesday night phone call, for all you know he already has a family and you're his Wednesday night entertainment.

Honestly OP, get rid of him and get into counselling to find out why you can even consider this enough for you. This type of set up is absolutely inconceivable to me, in fact if a guy suggested this to me I'd be laughing so hard at his cheek I'd probably have a hernia but you're going along with it for the last 5 years because "you get on great". I'm mystified, I really am.

Seriously OP, get into counselling.

Starr27

i should probably clarify - he lives in a diff county not country, and he definitely doesnt have a family etc. we saw each other every weekend and spoke on phone each night. And i actually do agree that I have done all the sacrificing in this relationship. what amazes me is how he now has the audacity to turn around and say that that its because we have little to talk about. and I can assure you I have had far more life experiences than he has, so the irony of that comment from him amazed me to be honest. I am just finding it very difficult to have the strength to put this person in my past, its just a very heartbreaking situation to be in.

LegacyUser

OP,

I am like this man. Not cohabitating or having sex before marriage.

I think he panicked when you told him you were prepared to change your career and be where he's at. Have you actually discussed when exactly you were going to marry? Where you both were going to live? Was there a timeline or just him saying that he wants to marry you? Wedding plans? How these children were going to be raised?

I met my husband online on a Catholic dating site. We e-mailed, Skyped, telephone calls etc. When we first met I knew this was the man I wanted to marry. We visited each other whenever possible, got married once I finished my studies. This was in three years time. As far as not having sex before marriage and your friends' views, those are their views. I waited to get married before having sex and we do have a healthy sex life. It gets better each time. People always ask me, how do you know if you only been with one person? Well with us we have the emotional and spiritual connection first, the sex intensified it. Also were adventurous and creative

Is he Irish? Christian background? Maybe his parents expect him to marry someone from his cultural or religious background? Maybe they have a marriage arranged for him from where they're from? If different culture and religion are not the issue; it can be anything really. From a fear of intimacy as stated by your therapist. You probably told her more than you told us in this thread. He could be a mammy's boy, or if he is religious and practising as you claim-maybe he had an epiphany and thought you were not compatible in that regard? I really think you sacrificed too much to be with someone who you don't share the same views with. This is what I found troubling from reading your post. I know for fact, I would not have married my husband (no matter what a great guy he is) if he was not practising because that would be very important to me.

Please never convert into a religion you do not want to. You convert or practise because you are doing it for you not because you want to be with somebody! I think that would have more disastrous consequences.

Piliger

Hi OP. I really am sorry that this has happened. Often people don't understand how things can sometimes just drift .... especially in a LDR.

However, I rarely agree with as forthright a comment as curlzy above - but I do.

This is not really about sex or the other issues he has. It's about the fact that you both clearly have completely different sets of needs and appetites and views.

Of course relationships can be extremely happy and successful without sex. But only if BOTH partners want that. And you clearly don't - and most people at your age wouldn't either.

Please let this 'sacrifice' thing go. Relationships are not about being 'grateful'. Each partner in a relationship decides what they want to sacrifice or compromise in a relationship. It's their choice. He doesn't owe you anything. You are a grown women and made those choices.

curlzy is right. Now is the right time to step back and bring this cul de sac relationship to an end. It was fantastic at the start it seems, and it all looked rosy. But it just didn't and doesn't work.

Walk away and use the experience you have gained and the huge amount of self awareness that you have gained to start again and build a really wonderful and loving relationship in the future.

Best of luck.

snafuk35

Starr27 wrote: »

Just wanted to get some people's advice around this situation that I am in. Here goes.

I met my bf 5 yrs ago, we knew fairly immediately that we were for each other; we had the same outlook on life etc., got on great, had lots to say, really loved one another.

he lives in a different county and has done for the duration of our relationship; due to work, and his religious beliefs, we couldn't live together (my work isnt doable where he lives. His religious beliefs also prevented us from moving in together). While I wasnt thrilled, i accepted the situation because we were meant to eventually get married and have children.

I made a conscious decision to change my career path so that I could actually move our lives forward, he supported this. he now tells me that he is unsure of the relationship - feels we dont have much to talk about anymore even though he loves me. We have been doing things long distance for ages and i think its reasonable to expect that on some occasions your not going to have intense conversations over the phone on a wednesday night.


I genuinely love this person; and i know without doubt he loved me. We are now on a 'break' in order to try figure things out. But I have to say I feel quite abandoned by the whole thing.

I have also realised that I really did my best to accommodate this lifestyle and religious beliefs because I loved and respected him. I know i keep emphasising here how well we clicked, but we really did, i was completely in love with him and him with me. However, we were never allowed to have a physical relationship because he doesn't believe in sex before marriage.

(I know i sound like a mug, I can assure you I am not, I am a strong woman, I just felt that this person is the one and if i have to respect his opinions/beliefs until we are in a position to live together then that is what i had to do).

He is in his mid 30s and I would say he has a fairly great set up where he is. He still lives at home (but again, he is his own man, has a business, financially independent etc.).

i went to see a relationship counsellor who said that this man clearly has intimacy issues, and that I should run as fast as I could from this situation.

The questions I have are these - did he ever really intend for us to have a life together (was forever proposing - never followed through with a ring, always talking about having kids when we married etc). Is the 'we havent much to chat about' a smokescreen for something else?

I just cant reconcile in my head that this once amazing person has now turned into a cold individual. I am also a little in shock as to how i ended up here. My friends believe that you simply cant have a good relationship with a person if the sex is not there because you need it to build intimacy and to bond.

I can accept that sometimes relationships run their course, but if that is the case, could he not just say that, and let me go. I felt like i was walking on eggshells with him the last few weeks, and really that i had done everything i could for us, the pressure and stress of the situation got to me in the end and we are now on a break.

What are people's thoughts in relation to this?

Why are you with this loser? He is pathetic and you should dump him now.

Taltos

snafuk35 wrote: »

Why are you with this loser? He is pathetic and you should dump him now.

snafuk35 is now on a vacation for repeatedly posting unhelpful comments in clear breach of our charter.

Taltos

okiss

It is time to end this so called relationship.
You have been more than fair with him up to now accepting what he has told you along with changing your job so you can work in his country.
He now tells you that he wants to end things as you don't talk like you use to every Wed night.
You have told us that he is financially well off so why is he still living at home?
Some people live at home for a period of time to get money together for a long term future but by now he should have definite plans to move on.
At this stage why should you stay in a relationship where he is calling all the shots. We will get married - after 5 years you should be engaged, moving to his country and getting a job there.
Relationship require give and take but when you do all the giving your are going no where with this. I would contact him and tell him that you are unwilling to wait any longer for him to grow up.
It is time to put your own life first and to meet some one who is grown up enough to get married.

fungun

A relationship can be whatever you both want it to be. Ive seen relationships with almost no sex where they were happy and relationships where they had lots of sex but unhappier because one wanted more/less.
The point is any relationship specific is fine as long as you both want the same thing. Which in this case you dont. So no, its not ok for your current relationship to be like this.

Also agree with the point of most posters above - you have been given a small carrot and a large stick; surprised you have stuck at it for so long.....but whereas some say that is weakness, that could also be loyalty/strength so I wouldnt feel bad about this.....but it certainly is time to take stock now and make the right decision for yourself

blatantrereg

Have you considered the possibility that he's not sexually interested in women?
It's not uncommon for womeone to be used as a beard.
People who believe in abstaining from sex before marriage often are pretty keen to get married I think. Someone who abstains from sex well into his thirties and five years into a relationship - that's someone avoiding sex altogether.