What is wrong with me?

username102

What is wrong with me?

I have no idea where to start with all this. First of, I am not the victim here, my wife and kids are. I am selfish beyond belief and want to change but I just don't. I had an affair (after only 2 years of marriage) I got caught. Pleaded that i would never do it again, was taken back, went to counseling with my wife but I started up the affair again (while still at counseling) and once again was caught. I moved out of home for a number of months, told my wife i did not love her but then did a u-turn and again begged to be taken back and that i would never do it again. I would never lie to her again. Some how she took me back and we have been living together ever since.

But the lies continue and the selfishness.

I am not having an affair but my behaviour to my wife has been appalling to say the least. I love my wife and show it in ways but theses ways are very run of the mill and don't run deep enough. I avoid any responsibility when it comes to the running of our house hold. I just crumble at the though of it. Its like I have never really grown out of my teen years and continue to be dragged along with it comes to mature matters.

I smoke, and even when money is tight in our house i seem to be able to spend more money on my habit then important things needed for the house or the kids. I hid this away from my wife and tell her i only smoke a few a day to make the pack last. I don't even like smoking anymore but i continued to do it. Shocking immaturity and another lie to the list!

I cant seem to go out for a night out with work of friends with out ruining it. I get hammered and either don't text or stay in touch when i am out on my own or if we are both out together and drinking i seem to turn into a complete ass ruining the night for my wife. I continually say if i am going out with out my wife that i wont get wasted or i will stay in touch but that again turns to a lie as i just go wild. In fact most if not ever night i am out i ruin it some how by getting drunk and then letting that dictate my behaviour which again ends up being selfish.

I cant seem to get things in check when it comes to house hold matter either. Once my wife sorts the matters i just think grand she will keep things in check no matter what stress is added to her day. I want to be part of her life the way i use to be but i just seem to coast along and as long and nothing is said i think everything is grand.

I don't know what i expect in reply to this but i know I am about to loose her (if not already) if i don't change. Actually I do know what to do but it just seems that when i try to motivate myself i just hid away, put things on the long finger and once again if nothing is said than think its grand. I can do the run of the mill things, let her rest and look after the kids at the weekend etc so she has some time off but when it comes to the mature things then i just fail. Well i don't fail i just don't try.

I do believe there are sometimes tiny sparks between us but they are always put out when a lie (no matter how big or small) or my failings as a human and husband come up. My wife can sometimes be happy but deep down i have hurt her so bad and she cant trust me no matter what the situation is.

I love my wife very very much. She is amazing. She wants to be happy and yes, once i made her happy and i want to make her happy again. I know i can but i just panic and freak out when it comes to doing the grown up things.

As i said i don't know what to expect in reply from this post. Advice? A barrage of insults (they will be well deserved). I am sure there is much much more to add to this list which my wife could fill 10 times over but wanted to get this out. I have always been an attention seeker and selfish the more i think of it. ever since we started going out years and years ago i have been a terrible person. Some times nice but alot of times lying and messing her about.

I am not trying to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. To be honest just writing this down and reading it makes me sick and somehow opens my eyes wider to just how lazy, selfish and disgracefully i have been and continue to be no matter how big or small the matter.

daisybelle2008

OP, I don't think it sounds like you are feeling sorry for yourself. I do wonder though if saving the marriage is the right thing for you. I know you say your wife is wonderful and you love her very much.
But marriage is very tough and requires a lot of compromise, sometimes love is just not enough. I think if your heart was truly in it, it would not feel so hard to motivate yourself to do all things required.
It really looks like you are trying hard to force yourself into a traditional, monogomous, picket-fence lifestyle and your heart and soul is screaming against it at every opportunity.
I feel for you, you seem so conflicted and are earnest about trying to do the 'right thing' by your wife. But maybe you are just not hot-wired that way. Maybe you can't be the person your wife seems to want you to be? Maybe that is not who you are.

We are all different as human beings, there is no one-fit all right way to live your life.
Don't be so hard on yourself, it looks like you really want to punish or guilt yourself into being the model husband and father. That is not going to work. You are going to come up short if you keep persecuting yourself like this. .
Your relationship seems to be some kind of reward/punishment prison, where your wife is the warder and you contantly trying to escape but feeling guilty for not serving your time.

Maybe loosing your wife may not be the worst thing for you. Obviously your responsibility to your children should not end. But maybe you are trying to be something you are not capable of and that is making you both unhappy in the long run.

Lorna123

I think that what is wrong with you is that you are selfish and insecure. You keep on pushing the boundaries to see how much you can get away with and then feel to yourself "she loves me so much I can do this and she still wants me". So then you keep on doing it just to see how much she loves you. I feel that you do love your wife but you take her for granted and until she puts her foot down you will keep on acting the maggot. You are walking all over her because you can. It is not a nice trait but there are people like you in the world. The mistake your wife made was forgiving you when you had the affair. You got away with this and so you kept on trying to see how much you would get away with. Now you are boasting about it here looking for more attention.

LegacyUser

Do you like yourself? Sounds to me like you are full of insecurities and self hatred, and you keep behaving like this to reinforce those negative beliefs. You also expect, and probably want, to be told how awful you are by the people reading your post.

You say things were good before? What were you like back then?

Oryx

You dont like yourself very much. Your post here is full of self loathing and bile aimed at yourself. And yet something about that does not ring true. It sounds to me like you are telling us how horrible you are because you believe that is what you should say. Yet at the same time you behave in a way that puts you at the centre of the world and everyone else on the sidelines. I wonder if you are acting out and defiant because, behind everything, you think you have been sold a raw deal and are entitled to more from life than you are getting.

There is definitely something deeply wrong in your life, an unhappiness, or something missing, that you are trying to fix with affairs, and rebellion. I cant tell you what the root of that is, you need to try and figure it out, though. And counselling might help.

Above all, stop telling yourself and everyone else how bad you are. Thats only adding to this destructive cycle you are in. You made these choices, this is who you are, accept it and make peace with it. Stop beating yourself up.

Lastly, your catchword from now on is honesty. No matter what, tell the truth (about your feelings, the smoking, everything). Take the consequences. Being truthful and not hiding yourself behind lies is liberating. It could just be a turning point for you.

Mighty_Mouse

Let go of this big ideal version of what a "mature man" should be.
It's almost as if you crack under the pressure of what you think you should be. .
Life is short. Stop worrying so much and live in the moment.

You are what you do every day.