Not attracted?

LegacyUser

So I know there are a lot of these sort of posts but here's one more...

27 eternally single, female, never had a boyfriend. I'm quite content being single for the most part, I went through a rough few months this year and it did really get to me a bit, would've been nice to have someone special in my life to lean on and help me through it, but most of the time i'm used to depending on myself...I do get asked out now and again but it's never amounts to anything more than one date...anyway get to the point

For a long time I thought I was the problem, (and maybe I am) but If I'm brutally honest with myself I don't think I've ever really properly fancied a guy no matter how attractive he was (I know it's not all about looks but..), don't get me wrong I have the occasional ONS now and again (Not ideal but needs must), but that's just sex really...Of all the guys I've dated I've never felt a spark with any of them, I've never ever gotten that butterflies in the stomach feeling I hear so many people talk about. It just struck me the other day while sitting in work, a new guy had started, all the girls think he's drop dead gorgeous and turn to mush around him, and objectively I can see that he's incredibly good looking but...meh, not even a flutter.

I don't even get nervous anymore the odd time I do have a date... It's gotten to the point that I don't view men as anything other than potential friends anymore... I used to be one of those girls who saw having sex with something meaningful, now a ONS doesn't even seem like a big deal to me... I suppose it's started to worry me a bit, I know i'm definitely not gay, It's not a hormonal thing, if anything my sex drive is higher than average... I do suffer a bit with depression, but I'm in a really good place right now and nothings changed...I guess I just wonder if this is normal? If other people feel this way sometimes? I wonder how i'll ever find anyone if I'm so (unwillingly) apathetic towards men?

beks101

Do you think it could possibly be a self-preservation thing?

You said you're permanently single, used to being on your own, get asked out occasionally but it never goes passed a first date...

Think about the alternative. You develop crushes on guys regularly and it never goes anywhere, you're constantly getting your hopes built up and then feeling let down/disappointed. That sort of ground-hog-day-style frustration can only go on so long before you emotionally shut down to protect yourself. Speaking as someone who's been there.

The instinctive thing would be to protect from further pain by 'switching off' so to speak when it comes to men. And if you think about it, it sort of makes sense. You get to take back control by ensuring no random stranger can come into your life and mess with your emotions/sense of security. You get to stay in your comfort zone.

Not criticising at all by the way, and I may well be well off the mark, as you've said you can't ever remember getting those 'butterflies.' I just recognised in your post something that I went through as a long-term single lady.

And indeed, there's absolutely nothing wrong or unusual about being single, particularly at your age. But I suppose the risk you run is of closing the door on the opportunity to meet someone if that's what you actually want. Because dating requires a level of hope and romantic motivation that you seem to have abandoned.

BraziliaNZ

Just wanted to say, regarding the gorgeous guy at work, you're not going to get butterflies from looking at someone that you don't even know. Should you end up getting to know this fella and maybe wearing the face off him some night you have out, that's when the butterflies start. I wouldn't worry about not getting them at first sight for a stranger.
You sound like you're doing ok, hang in there, you're young, sooner or later you'll meet someone, you don't seem to have a problem attracting men.

Piliger

Hi - OP. In my opinion the first thing you need to do is accept that you are how you are. You don't have to conform to society's view of what you 'should' be. I don't think you are 'the problem'. I don't think men are 'the problem'. I think the problem is being unhappy at being different.

I realise you feel 'eternally single'. But you know at 27yo, though it may feel like it to you, is not very far along in life is it Everyone develops and changes and grows at different speed and in different directions.

I believe you should relax and accept yourself and love yourself and work on friendships and close friendships. The rest will follow soon enough, when YOU are ready.

That's my two cents. Best of luck !

LegacyUser

I think you can really just get out of the habit of flirtation (both behaviour and attiude/feelings) through lack of practice! I've been complaining about the same thing for the past year or so (following a few disappointing relationships)- meeting loads of guys and dating some of them but never really getting that spark of excitement about any of them. I didn't even want it either, if I think about it now.

I've been dating a new guy for the past couple of weeks and its different- largely because I'm more aware of how much of the lack of attraction before was caused by ME rather than them. I'm having to constantly monitor the way I interact with him, because I can see how much I unintentionally try to keep things on a friendly level, rather than a flirtatious one...it's like having to relearn a language that you used to speak! I normally have quite a sarcastic and self-deprecating sense of humour and I've had to dial that back, because really, if a guy compliments you or whatever and you put yourself down or counter it with a silly story, or say something sarcastic about him, then you're putting up a barrier. I only realised this when I met a guy on a counselling course and got to know him quite well, as friends. I always felt that we got on really well, conversation flowed, he got my sense of humour, etc. However, one day he told me that he found me "cold and frustrating", which was an eye opener! Although I felt we had a good connection it all felt superficial to him, because apparently anytime he tried to get to know me on a deeper level I knocked him back with something flippant and self-deprecating without even realising thats what I was doing. It really made me think about whether that's how I am in romantic situations and try to address it.

With the new guy now I have been feeling a bit silly at times going along with the flirtatious talk, but that discomfort only highlights the fact that my normal responses must have served a protective function, even though I wasn't aware of it at the time. The more I've let myself get back into the mindset that I'm attractive and desirable and open to a real connection the more the butterflies are there in all my interactions with him...I honestly feel like a switch had been turned off and now it's back on!

LegacyUser

Went through the exact same thing too, for the same length of time. I was afraid of different things for different reasons too and never let myself look at anyone like that or want to let anyone in that far and then it went on so long, I became afraid that I couldn't, that maybe I was apathetic too as you described, or 'steel' as a friend of mine described me, which summed me up so well. I really felt I had 'shut down' and would never get that 'butterfly' feeling ever and really believed that.

But this year though, things just began to change. Especially recently, I fell for a friend in a big way who I liked doing the simple things with for a long time and finally asked out, but I got turned down. While extremely good at suppressing emotions and allowing fear to numb me, I found out that heartache is a pain that demands to be felt at a level that I never knew existed or imagined could exist and it swallows you whole. I never knew how hard it was and while excruciating and my heart still aches despite the time gone by, literally aches I'd rather suffer that heavy heartache feeling for a lifetime and know I'm capable of feeling it than suffering from wonderment when I'm older that I failed to know what it felt like and missed out on something that is extraordinary to feel (despite being in agony and all)! It was worth the wait.

What I'm trying to say is, that I really believed that I was never ever going to be able to feel this way about someone but I did and you sound the exact same position I was and therefore capable of the same too. It happens, the wall fell for me and believe it will fall for you too and it just simply happened without forcing it. Everyday I'm still in disbelief that I finally experienced it after so long and its hard to explain but I'm glad it was with a good friend that I fell for and that's just life that they don't feel the same I guess and nothing I can do about that. Just let your wall fall naturally. Hugs to you, I feel for you and hope you get there too, well with someone who likes you back that way too.