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Need some guidance about someone I'm dating

  • 16-04-2012 12:46pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hey there,

    I've recently started dating someone I met online (I'm a gay male). We've met numerous times over the past two weeks for lunch/dates, etc...

    He seems to be a very nice person. Very respectful, polite, good lucking, etc... We talk for hours and have very similar interests. However, I'm a little concerned about a few things.

    First of all, he claims to be an "empath". Now I never heard of anything of the sorts until I met him. He claims it's just someone who's highly sensitive and aware of people's emotion, etc... I had a look online and it appears that there is a larger pseudo-science/ pseudo-psychological element to this notion of being an "empath" and it's thrown into the same basket as telepaths/mediums and all that nonsense. He has a card from some place showing that he's an empath and all that. I don't mind people who are interested in mysticism, as long as it's healthy, but it seems to go a little deeper. He plans to set up some sort of a therapeutic business that involved "spirituality", though he has another job in the meantime.

    I've gotten the impression that he's quite impressionable and naive. When we first met online we exchanged numbers and began texting each other. Within the first day or two of texting he started to use very emotion, very flattering language - praising me to high doe. I didn't really take much notice, and just responded with the same really. After the second time we met, he started to send texts where he contemplated himself being my boyfriend, like - "In the future, if I was your bf..." something along those lines. After the third time we met (we spent the whole day together), he started to use the word "love".

    I remember he told me also, for instance, that he was convinced by a "friend" to hire a personal trainer of sorts to help him exercise, but the fees the trainer was charging were enormous yet he still went alone with it. I just thought it was another indicator of his impressionability.

    He's also a bit of a conspiracy theorist, not in an unhealthy way though.

    Even though he seems naive/innocent, he still seems to be quite aware of his own safety - like he didn't want to go town at night after 9pm being he thought it was too dangerous, etc...

    The day we spent the whole day together, he spilled his life story out to me. He said he never had friends when he was younger, that he tried to commit suicide once and that he received counselling. Now personally, I wouldn't release such details about myself until I knew someone very well. I was a bit of a loner when I was younger too, a lot of gay people I know said they were too, but luckily never contemplated or tried to commit suicide. I've never actually dealt with someone on such a personal level that had to go through such a horrible ordeal in their lives. I know that instances of suicide are very high among young gay men in Ireland (seemingly higher than any other subgroup), so I knew that at some point I was going to encounter someone who had these emotional difficulties.

    Now, in my opinion, there are two types of person he could turn out to be (sorry, I must sound awfully) paranoid, but I think you have to be when it comes to online dating):

    (a) He could be just a very innocent and vulnerable guy who's just desperately seeking someone to be with to fill a void in his life (I think this is very likely). If this is the case, I feel very concerned for his welfare because there is a heck of a lot of manipulative people out there, but I wouldn't abandon him because of that. It's none of my business, but for some reason I feel ready to help him if he wants help.

    (b) He could be a manipulative individual who's testing me. If he thinks I buy into him being all innocent and vulnerable, then he knows he can use me later.

    So I'm just looking for opinions. Am I analysing this guy too much? Should I continue seeing him and see how it goes? Or, should I just call it a day and move on?

    Also, if I decide to continue with him, how should I deal with him on an emotional level, considering the fact that he’s vulnerable and has gone through some personal issues?

    (BTW, if mods feel like the ought to be in another forum please do say)


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    There are way too many red flags here and if it were me I'd be running a mile.

    Dating is meant to be FUN. Yes, that's right - fun. This guy is full-on, intense, needy, potentially manipulative, has psychological issues and evidently wants to move this along quickly. Who knows what his modus operandi is - either way he's being way too intense and that in itself is a massive turn-off and is usually indicative of something that ends just as quickly.

    So the longer you see him the more involved you will get. If you're not sure of proceeding and it seems like getting involved would be one big headache (asking how to deal with him on an emotional level after a couple of dates, really?) then cut your losses sooner rather than later.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    Yeah I think I know the type. When they feel you could fill a need, you're inflated in their eyes. When they find the relationship inconvenient, you're belittled. All about themselves and their own needs at the end of the day, and a very poor concept of boundaries.

    I think your a and b interpretations are both right, though probably innocent only in the sense of being naive and overly open.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    He sounds like a lot of hard work TBH OP. I'd be cutting my losses to be frank, you don't want to get into something that's going to be more trouble than its worth.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    I agree with the good points already made by the other posters, I don't think age, gender, sexuality or anything else has anything to do with it - if your gut is telling you to be wary and your concerned this early doors then I'd listen and get the hell out of dodge.

    All the best, OP. :cool:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Can I just say that maybe I concentrated a bit too much on the negative stuff in my last post.

    The last time we met, we discussed about coming out of the closet. He's out but I'm not out yet. We only discussed it briefly but basically that's why he mentioned he got depressed, try to take his own life but stood back from the brink and got counselling. It was kinda his coming out story but he said it happened over 10 years ago. He didn't discuss it for that long, only like 2 minutes because, obviously, it's a painful topic. It's just I don't know anyone who's ever been in such a situation before (as in suicide) so I was taken aback. However, there are hundreds (or thousands) of people who were in the same situation so I'm not going to judge him on that. The point is, he didn't bring it up out of the blue.

    The only thing I'm concerned about is the whole "empath" thing and his innocence when it comes to some things.

    95% of the time I've spent with him hasn't been about any of the issues I talked about in my first post. We have lots of similar interests and we clicked on a lot of things, he's been great to talk to.

    It may seem as though I'm going back on my first post, it's just maybe I framed him as being too much of a freak. He does like to use soft talk a bit but I image that derives from his innocence, he's not at all forceful though - just playful.

    Really, I'm just concerned about his vulnerability/innocence and if I should cut my losses based on that.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i dont understand how come his vulnerability/innocence would be a dealbreaker for you???? is it that you worry you need to take the responsibility to take care of him or that if one day you break up, he might want to kill himself???


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,118 ✭✭✭Babybuff


    I don't know if it's a coincidence but I know a few gay men who tend to be more spiritualistically (I don't know if thats a real word) inclined than most. It's practically a stereotype at this stage. I get where he's coming from and I don't doubt that he's probably very in touch with his sensitive side but if he's young and naive then you'll probably find it headwrecking after a while. If he's more mature about it it shouldn't be an issue as long as you just see it as part of his personality and doesn't shadow every other aspect of his character. He's probably a sweetheart, it just comes down to whether or not he's what you're looking for at the end of the day.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    First of all, he claims to be an "empath".

    Maybe I'm not the best person to comment on this, but, unless there has been a string of empirical research done and something has been proven beyond all reasonable doubt, I'm taking it with a pinch of salt.
    I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from laughing if someone told me they were an empath.
    In fact, I believe I'd consider them slightly unhinged.
    Is there any chance he is just sensitive to peoples feelings? IE, he's observant enough to notice when someone is down or whatever.
    Within the first day or two of texting he started to use very emotion, very flattering language - praising me to high doe.

    That would also concern me greatly.
    I'm suspicious of people who declare something like that after two days.
    It is not possible to know someone after two days and it is certainly not possible to know how you truly feel about someone after such short a time.

    I recall meeting a girl once at work who declared me to be her bestest friend after three weeks. (I was only being nice to her during working hours as she came from another country.)
    I backed off immediately. It just seems a tad 'bunny boilerish' when declarations like that are made after five minutes.
    he started to use the word "love".

    Honestly, after only three times meeting up, if someone said that to me, I'd be running a mile.
    Way too intense and something you should definitely be concerned about.

    If you intend to continue seeing this chap, I would suggest you be very careful OP.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    Am I analysing this guy too much?

    Well yes you are overanalysing the guy. But in my opionion the reason you are doing it is because your gut instinct is telling your something is a bit off and you are ignoring it.
    The problem with trying to pschyoanalyse someone you don't know well is that you can never really get in their head or understand them, so you tend to end up justifying your decision to ignore your instinct, hence all your back tracking when people are telling you to run a mile. You have painted a few contradictory scenarios about his MO, who knows which is true, part true etc., nobody here is going to be able to tell you which is true, it could take weeks, months, years to figure out.
    But you already know there is something is 'off' with this situation, that is why you are on here. To me that is enough of an indicator to move on and the analysis is really unnecessary when you have a perfectly good guidance system telling you what to do.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 143 ✭✭Killed By Death


    This 'empath' thing is what is known as 'magical thinking' -him believing things that are just not fact. He has a few of the characteristics in a person which in my experience make them a bad bet as a friend or lover.

    Firstly, he is disclosing too much inappropriate information far too soon. That's a red flag ime it usually goes along with someone who is very needy and dramatic. That is not to take away from his sad experiences btw, just how he deals with it and carries it around with him and spills 'his story' out to you. It's too much, too soon, it's kind of like he's handing you 'his wounded self' as some sort of 'gift' (in his mind) instead of presenting himself as a self aware, self reliant adult.

    The gullibility and willingness to believe in 'hokum' and 'woo' would also be a MAJOR red flag and turn-off. It reminds me of a bloke I met once and was starting to get on well with, he then dropped the clanger that he believed in horoscopes and 'was a bit psychic' :rolleyes: Besides being a cringesome cliche, I just couldn't take anyone seriously after hearing that kind of tripe.

    If a person has a limited grasp on the real world how are you going to have a relationship with them. They'll be illogical which in the long run is an extremely difficult trait to live with. Impossible in fact.

    'Vulnerability' is cute at first for a very limited amount of time, then once the novelty wears off it is revealed as plain old neediness. He's shown you 5% of this at the moment as you say, but people always show their best face in the early days and if this is his best face......then wait for the onslaught of whinyness and the never ending black hole of neediness!

    Run OP, like the clappers!


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