biological mother

jb28

just wondering if there is anyone with experience of meeting their bm then being rejected my her? or any bm's who could shed some light this behaviour? find it very difficult to get my head around!

Fizzlesque

jb28 wrote: »

just wondering if there is anyone with experience of meeting their bm then being rejected my her? or any bm's who could shed some light this behaviour? find it very difficult to get my head around!

I don't have any answer for you, JB but I wanted to respond to your post. I'm a birth mother who can't wait for her child to be ready to be reunited with me. Like yourself, I find it very difficult to get my head around birthmothers rejecting their child but there can be all sorts of reasons, I guess.

I have had letter box contact with my child from the beginning, and I stipulated the agency find a family with another adopted child (so there'd be a sibling) which they did, but the birthmother of this other adopted child decided against having the letter box contact I had - I've never known why, and always found it strange, but have to conclude the birthmother had her reasons.

I'm sorry to hear you've been rejected. If there was anything I could say or do to ease your pain, I'd say and do it in a flash.

Best regards

Fizzlesque. xx

jb28

I really appreciate your kind words, thank you, I've always considered her putting me up for adoption the bravest and most selfless thing I could imagine someone doing for me, I was blessed with the most amazing adoptive parents, but I 'm finding it more difficult to understand this rejection when now I have my own children I stand by her decision all those years ago but I just cant see what could possibly be the reason to reject me now,
I wish you all the best with any future reunion you have, but I can just say to you take it very very very slowly, even though the excitement can be almost overwhelming xxx

Fizzlesque

I can fully understand your feelings regarding her decision to reject you now, it makes no sense to me at all. Did you meet her at any stage? How far into a reunion did you go? I hope you don't mind me asking - if you don't wish to answer, no worries.

I will take your advice to go slowly very seriously - I have read a lot of reunion advice and this seems to be the most important one. My child is 22 and has known about me all along (she's written to me a few times, just small notes, but they made all the difference in the world to me) so there isn't the same curiosity driving her to want a reunion that other adoptees (with no contact) talk about. I know this means I have to wait a lot longer, but whatever it takes for our reunion (when/if it happens) to be a success is OK with me. Thanks for your good wishes - all good wishes are gratefully received

I've been reading the thread about the obstacles facing anyone involved with the Bessboro Centre (on a different thread) and I'm disgusted to learn such a situation still exists. When I investigated adoption (back in 1989) I was given two phone numbers by the social worker in the hospital: one involved nuns, which I threw in the bin as I left the social workers office, the other was for the agency I am now with - they actively encourage open/semi open adoption, and if that hadn't been the case, I wouldn't have been able to go through with the adoption. My view is that it's barbaric to cut off all contact - and hurts the adopted child (as well as the birth mother, but let's forget her for the moment, the child is the most important person in the adoption triangle, I believe) in ways that are totally avoidable. Reading that thread has made me so grateful I threw the number for the nuns in the bin that day - I despise their (and the church's) mentality.

I'm happy to read you had a positive childhood with your adoptive parents, and now have children of your own. Did you know all along you were adopted? Again, only answer if you feel like answering, I'm really interested in hearing an adoptee's perspective - though I am aware each person's experience is personal, and therefore different, it's still something I like to get a better understanding of.

Thanks, JB, and apologies for the extended ramble - I tend to say a lot once I get started.

xx

jb28

Hi no probs in answering your questions, i'm going to try and message you there

Fizzlesque

Hi JB, I got your message, thank you for that. I've sent a reply (well, I think I've sent more than one) but I'm not sure how the messaging feature works on this site because when I go into 'sent items' it tells me there are no sent messages. After the first message disappeared, I took the precaution of copying the second message so if you didn't receive it, let me know and I'll resend it. I don't want to send it again in case, somehow, you did receive it (them ) and it's just not showing up in my sent items.

birthmother

Hi, im a birth mother and had my son adopted through bessboro in 1983, Sr. Sarto was the nun i used i stayed in bessboro for six months and can tell you it wasnt easy place to be. Try to understand that some girls there did not tell anyone they were pregnant and had no support, they would tell family that they were working cork for a few months. They did suffer heart break when their babies were adopted but having told no-one they had to hide their pain. I hope you can imagine the fear when contacted they would have felt. Im not saying this is true of all birth mothers but please have some understanding for those girls who were just 16/17. Open adoption was not an option at that time.

jb28

Hi Birthmother,
thank you for your reply, I appreciate your reply, I do understand the delicacy and heartbreak, the delicacy goes in all directions and the heartbreak, especially after having my own babies, words fail to describe accurately how acute that must be I imagine. I'm not sure I get how that all adds up to not being able to deal with the adult that is me, decades later, I have proven no threat in her life or would I attempt to hurt her, surely with all the time that has gone by, the desire to get to know your child must be there somewhere? I cannot imagine not grasping the opportunity? I appreciate it is being looked at from two entirely different angles and I dont mean to offend or hurt, just wish to trash it out a little!

sineadom

Hi jb,
Huge sympathy for you as I do understand what you are going thru to an extent. As regards your birth mother, I wonder...was the pregnancy/adoption experience so traumatic that she just cant go back there and doesnt want to see anyone who is related to that experience? It's not rational but maybe it's a terrified emotional reaction?

scealagam

Fizzlesque wrote: »

I have had letter box contact with my child from the beginning, and I stipulated the agency find a family with another adopted child (so there'd be a sibling) which they did, but the birthmother of this other adopted child decided against having the letter box contact I had - I've never known why, and always found it strange, but have to conclude the birthmother had her reasons. xx

I am a bm, to be honest I never knew about or didn't fully understand letter box contact. My social worked did tell me to write her a letter but I understood that to mean that it would not be given to her unless she came to look for it, is this correct? The reason I ask, I got in touch with my adoption agency last year and was surprised that she had pictures there that were sent to her about 19 years ago, which she then gave me. Could I have chosen to write to her on a regular basis ot how does the "letter box contact work?"

Thanks

Elizvonne

Hi Scealagam
My son was adopted in 1990. I was not given any information or option for letter box contact. My sw also asked me to write a letter. My understanding was that this letter would be passed on to him when he ever got in contact with the agency or by aparents. I did contact the agency over the last couple of years and requested pictures. I got photos of him up the age of three. He searched last year and we are now in contact. He never got the letter that I left. He got non identifying infor that mentioned the 3 times I looked for photos. I got in contact with the agency and they had no record of the letter on their file.
Best wishes E

scealagam

Hi Elizvonne
That was my understanding of it too, I'm glad you agreed as I thought that I had completely misunderstood the whole thing. Like you, I also got pictures of her when she was a baby. I am hoping that she may get curious soon, she was born in 92. I'm trying to figure things out in my head at moment as I went to gro and was able to find her adoption details and with that information have been able to find her on a social network site. It's surreal because by sending her a private message I could communicate with her but I am also aware that that would be the wrong way to go about things. Anyway for the moment it is quite reassuring to see how she has got on and how happy she looks.

I hope things are working out well for you Elizvonne. I'd imagine it takes some getting used too and figuring out.
Thanks
S

Elizvonne

Hi Scealagam

Its so hard to know what is the right thing to do. You're emotions must be all over the place. Everyone is ready at different times. When my son made contact with agency I was so excited. I was told he would write a letter to me but I could not wait and I found him online and sent him message. Three weeks later we were sitting having coffee :)He was not told that he was adopted until he was 19. He also wanted to know why I never looked for him. I felt that should be his decision. If I was doing it all over again - I would search. It seems to be an important to the adoptee to know that they have not being forgotten (as if we could forget). After we had made contact and I was telling friends, one said 'well as long as he does not want a kidney' and I thought you obviously have no idea - if he needed a kidney I'd be first in line!

All going reasonably well. Has meet his siblings and who are very excited about him. All my family have been told and planning first family get together.
E

iNeedCoffee

Hi,
I've a bit of experience with this, unfortunately.
Initially I thought it was just that things didnt work out or wasnt meant to be - but I guess on reflection, it was rejection.
My birth mother turned out to be quite an unpleasant woman.
I made contact with her and following an initial honeymoon period of a few months, (and seemingly once I'd enabled her to clear her conscience - as I genuinely don't have any issue with being adopted) she began acting very unusually.
I dont think (!) she was attracted to me, but she bahaved as someone who was in a teenage relationship - playing head games etc.
Being very needy and then trying to play it all cool.
When things got a little nastier she made some very petty comments about 'her' family....
Eventually I cut contact. Were it not for meeting my (full..!) sister, I would regret the entire experience.
What I wasnt aware of was that these reuniting things rarely work out. It's a shame, but I guess if you're throwing random strangers together, regardless if they're related, it isnt always going to work.

Why did she act that way? I'm not sure.
I know that she never addressed the whole issue of giving me up, until I made contact.
She was a total mess in the following months, feelings that were buried for years coming out.
But like I said, once we worked through that the real person came to the surface.

It's sad but thats life sometimes.
I hope you're ok jb.
I was very fortunate that I took my time before making contact, had no expectations and had a very supportive other half through all of it.
I can imagine the whole thing could be really tough if you go in to it with great intentions and expectations.

Elizvonne

Hi iNeedCoffee

What an interesting post. I'm sorry to hear that all did not work out with your bm. I'm currently in reunion with my son and unfortunately there is no guidelines on how a reunion should progress. It's very strange for the bm because you never stop loving your child no matter how may years pass. You would love the child to feel the same but that is totally unrealistic. For the bm you'd gladly move them into the spare room - totally unrealistic :)lol.

I think like all bm's I'd like the happy ever after, but do not understand all the feeling of the adoptee. Do you mind explaining more about how your bm was too clingy, second time I heard this statement in two days.

Best Wishes Ex

iNeedCoffee

Elizvonne wrote: »

It's very strange for the bm because you never stop loving your child no matter how many years pass.

Hi Ex,
Dont mean to sound bad but from my experience at least, the above ideal is not really the case. Sadly.
I guess mothers react/handle it in different ways, and each case is unique in its own way too. The circumstances surrounding you giving up your son and me being given up, I would imagine, are totally different. But the way I was ultimately treated meant there is or was certainly little or no love there.

I think whats really important for anyone engaging in the reuniting process is to remember that, in a way its a total lottery who you are going to meet. Sure you share the same DNA but with the lost years you are building a relationship from square one.
I think that is one of the main problems my birth mother had. She entered things trying to 'mother' me, trying to make back time and was exceptionally demanding emotionally.
You were asking about the clinginess. From when we first met she was extremely tactile. Rubbing me, kissing me and hugging me.
That is ok if I was seven or eight, or twelve, but I was a 30-something year old man!
I guess I should have been clearer about that, but she was quite unstable and I was very aware that rejection of any sense could be crushing. Well, that was before I got to know her properly. :rolleyes:

I think the realisation that I wasn't a child any more and that those years were gone, no matter what she did now, was something she couldnt accept, or made her think that the whole thing was pointless.
One thing that I remember thinking at the time, is that in a weird way, cause I turned out 'ok', she seemed hurt at feeling that I didnt need her as my mother?! I think part of her wanted me to be a little damaged so that she could fix it.

The sad part is that it did seem so positive at the start. I guess thats like many relationships though, that start almost too well, are maybe more likely to collapse.
I really hate to think that I'm upsetting anyone (or bursting anyone's bubble) by reading this. I still remember the excitement and euphoria of each step. From getting information about the home my birth mother went to, to finding out my birth name, to going to the registrar to search records. Looking up places on google maps and taking road trips to see for real.
Its a really special time and it is easy to develop unreal expectations I guess.

If I could offer any advice Ex, I'd just say to take it as slow as possible. You probably feel like you've lost enough time already, but you really havent.
I've had no contact with my birth mother for the last couple of years and its that lost time and opportunity which I find infinitely more sad than any of the years before. Things could have been drastically different but it wasnt to be and thankfully I was able to walk away knowing that I tried.

Not sure if that explains anything Ex?!

Elizvonne

Hi iNeedCoffee

Thank you for being so frank. You're not bursting any bubles for me at all. Its great to get an insight of the experience from the other side. For me I was so happy to discover that my son has a very loving and supportive family who he thinks the world of. Another question - if you don't mind - in your head when you started into the process - what sort of relationship were you hoping for?

Ex

iNeedCoffee

What sort of relationship?
I don't remember having any ideas or expectations. I tried to approach it as taking things as they came and just see what would happen. Like you said, there's no guidelines for it, so was new territory for me.
I was lucky in a way that I wasnt really looking for anything. My adopted sister who I grew up with had a real desire for answers, that something was missing or would be explained by meeting her birth mother. I didnt feel like that, and so didnt really have any definite idea.
To be honest, the main reason I initially got in touch was that I had this idea in my head, or fear that maybe she was haunted by giving me up and I just wanted her to know that I was alright. I'd watched a program on tv about mothers who gave up kids and it seemed to be a running theme that the not knowing what happened was the really difficult part.
I genuinely just wanted to get to know her and if we could be part of each others lives then that would be great. If not, then no hard feelings either.

Elizvonne

iNeedCoffee, I'm sorry it didnt work out for you. sounds to me like your bm has missed out on an incredible relationship. But you've found your sister which must be amazing. You've given me huge insight, and its great to get to see reunion from the adoptees perspective - thank you so much! Wishing you every happiness in the future.

jb28

Hi all,
its great to see some chat about this, i wrote on boards almost a year ago and had given up thinking anyone was willing to wade in! I have to say I still am miffed at the rejection I try not to dwell on it, it does occur to me that perhaps she doesnt like the "adult" version of me, or that its just too much to go there but i have to say, like ineedcoffee, i am upset over the lost potiential since contact was initiated not the adoption. I also feel that once her conscience was cleared after a couple of months of developing a relationship I was surplus to requirements. I was a complication, that really wasnt worth the hassle.
while i always believed that she cared for me and i myself had a wonderful upbringing that i would not change for anything, her attitude since contact was made makes me reassess how she felt once i was put up for adoption. I wish i could say that i dont care and that if she clicked her fingers I wouldnt give it another go, but i cant. however what i can say is that the parents i was blessed with have brought me up with such love and unwaivering support that has enabled me not leave it stick with me, i think of the situation a bit but i dont leave it dwell when it does, i credit my family with the strength they raised me to have for the ability not to get consumed by it. however given the opportunity i wouldnt change a thing, i would still have made the same choices and am still better off for having met her......

hope all that isnt offputting or depressing to anyone...again great to see some varied responses from people on the topic...its nice to know your not the only one:):):)

Elizvonne

Hi Jb28
Its a shame the reunion with your bm did not work out for you. When I read your original post I thought that your bm had refused to meet you. I didnt realise that you had actually met and then she cut off communication. that must have being very difficult. Did the people around her know about you? Were there other siblings?
I'm a bm in the early stages of reunion with my son and very curious about how reunions generally go. So far not hearing too many happy endings!
Only answer if you feel comfortable with the questions,
E

iNeedCoffee

jb28 wrote: »

Hi all,
I also feel that once her conscience was cleared after a couple of months of developing a relationship I was surplus to requirements. I was a complication, that really wasnt worth the hassle.

Absolutely, beautifully put in to words. In that it perfectly describes the conclusion I have arrived at too.
She expressed a lot of remorse at having given me up, explaining that it was a very difficult time and that she had a lot of guilt about it.
But when I made it clear that I had no problem about it (even when finding out that it wasn't the only option available - as I had assumed), when it came to being involved in each others lives, the will simply wasn't there.

Like you, I'd be lying if I said she doesn't cross my mind daily. But for me, that door is closed now. And thankfully the anger is more or less gone too.
I've accepted that it's just the way it is, and let it go.
Some other things happened since we initially broke contact, which I wont go in to here, but suffice to say that there is no going back.

Am I better for knowing her? Absolutely not. However I have a great relationship with some of my extended birth family, which is brilliant.
That, and the unreal effort that my birth sister makes to meet at any opportunity means that I am fortunate to draw some positives from it all.

But I can say without reservation that my birth mother is a horribly selfish and venomous woman.
Much like the lottery analogy I used before, any grouping in society, be it mothers, fathers, uncles, Catholics, Muslims - the people within the groups will be individuals.
Some will be nice, some will be unpleasant. Some will have had choices, some wont. Some will be genuinely want a relationship with a reunited son/daughter, and others will like the idea of it but not want the actual hassle involved.

I'm worried that I've inherited some of her bad points. I guess it's inevitable. But thankfully I don't see too many. Aside from stubbornness. :P
I havent given up any of my kids at least. Yet. ha!

Elizvonne

Jb28 and iNeedCoffee
Obviously every situation is very different. For me I have opened up my life to my bson. He has been in my home, meet his younger siblings and all the extended family on my side have recently being told about our reunion (most of them never knew of his existence)They are all now looking forward to meeting him. However for me I feel that he is the one who is pulling back. While up until christmas I felt everything was going well. The emails are getting fewer and fewer and I wonder now if his curiousity has been satisified and he now considers our contact more of a nuisance... And iNeedCoffee if he has inherited my sturbborness there will be no coming back!! - I have mellowed out with age

I suppose the rejection can happen on either side, for me it hard to imagine a bm cutting contact. Its early days for us yet but I know my heart will break if our relationship does not develop. Your stories have been great for me to hear. Just knowing how much you would have liked a relationship to develop gives me hope.

Thanks and best of luck

jb28

Hi guys,
it's a really tough situation on all parties i think, i see you write about your bs pullling back and as you cant imagine a bm pulling back i cant imagine why a adoptee would! very rarely does the expectations match up for both parties, this is the conclusion i have come to. i had wanted to be her friend, i did not need a mother, i have a great one of those. i feel a connection there, an unfinished part of my history, i have substantially younger siblings who have no choice in getting to know me, they are children. i feel i have lost out in being some small part of their lives also. i had wanted a close but not motherly relationship, i feel hurt by her consistent ignoring of me. i dont understand it, it is as if because i am not hurt or angry over being adopted, she cant stand it. i do feel better for having known her, she could have left me wondering which she didnt. do you think maybe your son might be finding the relationship a little over whelming? i remember in the beginning feeling a little guilty about trying to find a space or label on my birth mother, its like shes not your friend exactly and not your mother exactly so there is a lot of sorting out in your head where she belongs in your life, there is also the element of your own parents, i was very lucky to have incredibly supportive parents, but i still went through a thought process of worrying about how much to tell them about her, i decided to be factual but not overly emotional with the information i gave them about her and they guided me as to how much they would like to hear about her from there with their questions, all of which i answered honestly. if im honest there is a level of loyalty to my parents involved and only for their support and understanding i possibly wouldnt have made the decision to seek her out.
hope this helps!
jb x

iNeedCoffee

Again, really well put JB.
I remember the first few weeks/months following contact with my birth mother.
It can be an all consuming experience. Hard to think of anything else as it really is one of those 'once in a lifetime' experiences that only a few people experience.. Its fascinating and during that time, everything else takes a back seat.
But after a while I guess you find you need to take a step back, take a deep breath and like JB said - it takes a lot of thought (and time) to see how this person is going to fit in to your life.
Like JB brilliantly said, this new person is not really your mother, not simply a friend. Its a grey area and I guess where/how they fit is going to be a combination of expectations and needs.
Much like JB I didnt feel a need for a mother. I have a mother who brought me up. However I think my birth mother felt the need to be a mother figure and perhaps that caused some issue.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldnt be overly concerned with the current backing off of your son, Elizvonne.
From my experience and from the sounds of JB, its just part of the natural process.
Giving him some space to address it will be the best thing you can do, as its a total headwreck.
Everyone is different, but it took me weeks, even months to get my head around a lot of what was happening following meeting my birth mother.
In a way nothing is ever going to be the same again. It impacts relationships in almost all parts of your life, and trying to work out how things will work now that these two worlds have collided can be tough.
Just be patient. You sound like you've real concern and a strong desire for it to work, so I wouldnt have too many doubts that it will.
From what I've learned since, it seems that if the birth mother/parents want it to work, its got the best chance.

moihugs

Elizvonne wrote: »

Jb28 and iNeedCoffee
Obviously every situation is very different. For me I have opened up my life to my bson. He has been in my home, meet his younger siblings and all the extended family on my side have recently being told about our reunion (most of them never knew of his existence)They are all now looking forward to meeting him. However for me I feel that he is the one who is pulling back. While up until christmas I felt everything was going well. The emails are getting fewer and fewer and I wonder now if his curiousity has been satisified and he now considers our contact more of a nuisance... And iNeedCoffee if he has inherited my sturbborness there will be no coming back!! - I have mellowed out with age

I suppose the rejection can happen on either side, for me it hard to imagine a bm cutting contact. Its early days for us yet but I know my heart will break if our relationship does not develop. Your stories have been great for me to hear. Just knowing how much you would have liked a relationship to develop gives me hope.

Thanks and best of luck

I really hope it works out for u Elizvonne ! I cant for the life of me understand why he wouldnt want a relationship, give him time its probably a lot to take in. Im on the opposite side in contact with my bm with letters and texting but she seems to keep putting off meeting. Its 6 months since I wrote for the first time ,none of the rest of her family know about me and I think that's the way she would like to keep it. Its heartbreaking , didnt expect us to start living together I had a great mum ,who sadly passed away but would love the occasional letter card phone call or even cup of coffee and a chat! Its all her rules of when I can text write etc(in case of her being found out) I think I take after her far more than she thinks cause I can be just as strong willed and to be honest Im not the sort to be hidden away for long. Im dying to meet my siblings!! I wish I had found someone like u Elizvonne who really wanted me to be some part of her life, lucky guy ur son!

Elizvonne

Hey Moihugs
I hope all works out for you too. Tell your bm that you would love to meet your siblings. To be honest when I was initially in contact with my son I didn't even consider the fact that he would want to meet anyone else. My sister told me of a adopted friend of hers who ended contact with her bm because she never told any of her family/siblings about her. Where for the bm the only relationship we missed out on was with our birth children, for the adoptee they have missed out on the whole extended family as well and the bm does not always realise that.
My son had always asked after his bsiblings while making it clear to me that it was up to me when I felt they were old enough to know about him. For me for them to have an opportunity to know their older brother growing up is a fantastic opportunity and will also allow them to develop adult relationships later on.
Encourage your bm to tell some of her family that you are in contact. Barnardos also offer great support to bm's. Keep writing and hopefully you'll have that coffee soon:)
For me I'm going to back off for a while and allow bson to get head around his new clann. the advice here has been fantastic. Best Wishes
E

Fizzlesque

scealagam wrote: »

I am a bm, to be honest I never knew about or didn't fully understand letter box contact. My social worked did tell me to write her a letter but I understood that to mean that it would not be given to her unless she came to look for it, is this correct? The reason I ask, I got in touch with my adoption agency last year and was surprised that she had pictures there that were sent to her about 19 years ago, which she then gave me. Could I have chosen to write to her on a regular basis ot how does the "letter box contact work?"

Thanks

Hi sealagam, sorry about not replying sooner, I didn't see your post till today as I only look in at this board very occasionally.

Letter-box contact is continued contact throughout the child's life, not just one letter written at the time of the adoption and held for the child until he/she makes contact with the agency. When I placed my child it was a relatively new thing (not sure how long it had been in operation, but it wasn't commonplace - I'd never heard of it until I met up with someone from the agency) and it was because of this option I allowed myself to consider adoption, without it I wouldn't have been able to agree. I have what's called a 'semi-open adoption'. The adoption that includes phone calls/occasional meetings is known as 'open adoption'. The adoption that most people know about, and was standard for a long time, is known as 'closed adoption'.

I was also told about the option to have occasional phone calls and supervised meetings, but I didn't feel I'd be able to cope with that, so I opted for letter box contact - which comprised of two letters from the birth mother (one in summer, one in winter) with photographs and I could write as often as I wished, and send gifts whenever I wished (within reason, of course).

I don't think you misunderstood your social worker, because I don't think the offer of letter box (or the phone calls/supervised meetings) contact would have been glossed over/briefly mentioned - it would need to be discussed in a lot more detail than just being told to write a letter. It's possible the agency you were with didn't engage in semi open (or open) adoptions. As I mentioned earlier, it was a relatively new approach when I placed my child in the late eighties and I think I might just have been lucky to have ended up at the right agency, at the right time. While pregnant, I spoke to a social worker at the maternity hospital and she gave me two numbers: one was nuns and that went into the bin on my way out of her office, the other was the agency I used. They've been fantastic, I've been able to maintain a steady presence in my child's life all along, and while she's showing no signs of wanting to meet up with me as yet, she has written to me a handful of times (short polite notes). I suspect I'm going to have to wait a good bit longer for her to be interested in or curious about me because there's less mystery.

Sorry, I'm drifting off into a long ramble (as I do when I start on this subject) instead of remaining focused on your question. Also, my letter 'c' is no longer working on my keyboard, so I have to paste it onto any word it's missing from, so if you see words with no 'c' where there should be a 'c'...please mentally add it in.

To surmise, I would be doubtful you have missed out on years of contact due to not understanding, it seems more likely the agency you were with didn't offer this option. That would be my guess, based on my situation, and how much discussion was involved in the process. For example, I met the family and had final say in whether or not they could adopt my child. I also had a few stipulations which were honored; in general, I had a lot of control over the adoption process, which I don't think is true of every adoption story there for the telling today. Sadly. I think, for years, it was made much more difficult than it ever needed to be and that makes me one part angry and one part heart-achingly sad. All that unnecessary additional pain. Birth mothers and birth fathers with no knowledge of where their child was and how their child was faring; and adopted children having to make long-winded and obstacle-strewn journeys to get the smallest shred of information to help them begin the search for their birth parents. All that before even giving thought to whether or not the person at the other end of their search was going to be receptive. Breaks my heart, to be honest, when I read the hoops some adopted people are going through to get even the smallest bit of information about their birth parents. Although I often regret my daughter's adoption, I console my weary heart with the knowledge she doesn't have to wonder if I'm interested in developing a relationship with her one day, she knows I am, and that that isn't affected/damaged/lessened by her current lack of interest in me. Nor does she have to do loads of ground work to get the ball rolling if/when she decides the time is right for her, I'm only a phone call away. For that I am truly grateful.

I wish you all the best, and apologies for the ramble; my fingers go crazy when I let them loose on a keyboard - even one with a thoroughly unobliging letter 'c'.

MaryMagdalene

I am also a BM and in the situation where I am the one who is being held at arm’s length. I only met my daughter once - 3 years ago - and since then any time I gently mention meeting up she always has an excuse.

I never wanted or tried to be her Mother, I fully understand that she has perfectly good parents and extended family. I have shown an interest when discussing her Mam and Dad etc (and always called them that) to her and tried to let her take things at her pace. She is the one who is hiding me from her family and friends. In fact I do wonder sometimes if that is the real barrier - she is afraid of what it will do to them.

Any contact we have comes from me, and she has changed all her contact details now except for FB where she cut everything except for messaging but I can't see anything on her page. All this without saying why. That is the part I can't understand. If she explained why I may not like it or agree but I could at least try to understand. I have never asked her why either, I guess because I only found out drip by drip that I was cut off from this that and the other and I'm a coward!

I fully understand how you feel 'you have satisfied their curiosity' that is exactly how I feel too.



I have stepped back now and if she changes her mind she knows how to contact me and if she doesn't well then she has missed out on a whole chapter of her life that could be wonderful.



I think a time comes when, for your own sanity, you just have to try to move on again with or without them.



I do hope that we all have a happy ending whatever that may be.

truegas

Hi jb28 how are u My birthmother doesn't want anything to do with me We met up years ago a few times She lives in Dublin I live in the west . I'm so hurt i have 3,kids i had to post the photo to social worker for her to give to her .

multiplemoods

birthmother wrote: »

Hi, im a birth mother and had my son adopted through bessboro in 1983, Sr. Sarto was the nun i used i stayed in bessboro for six months and can tell you it wasnt easy place to be. Try to understand that some girls there did not tell anyone they were pregnant and had no support, they would tell family that they were working cork for a few months. They did suffer heart break when their babies were adopted but having told no-one they had to hide their pain. I hope you can imagine the fear when contacted they would have felt. Im not saying this is true of all birth mothers but please have some understanding for those girls who were just 16/17. Open adoption was not an option at that time.

Hey BM this is a little bit random and i would have private messaged you but I dont have enough posts.I was born in Cork 1983 and adopted and have just begun searching for my birth mother.Were you ever interested in horse riding/horses?