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I think I have an eating disorder

  • 09-01-2012 8:32pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Or, well... logically. LOGICALLY. I have an eating disorder, I just genuinely can't see it.

    For the last two years I've maintained a BMI that hovers between 24 and 25. I'd always wanted to get to a weight that would put me at 22 but no matter what I do I haven't been able to shift off my lowest weight.

    The thought obsesses every moment of every day.

    I obsess over calories; being that I'm short I can't lose weight easily. I've tried eating 1200 calories. It doesn't work. I think my metabolism's that screwed over from six or seven years of constant dieting.

    When I was younger my dad obsessed with weight himself and used to put the entire family on a diet a few times a year. When I started dieting, and was a good deal fatter, my dad would criticise low calorie sweet things I was eating ("diet, what diet?") and seemed to catch me at each and every binge to pass said comments.

    He's getting a bit forgetful in his old age. Or maybe he just doesn't listen. But when I come home weekends now he'll ask me about my diet. Two or three times a day. I've asked him not to ask me anymore but of course, well... he forgets.

    I work in a small office with only me and my boss in it, and she means well but she's done weight watchers and whatever dieting thing I'm trying this week, she'll criticise. When I'm off a diet, she'll criticise that too in a more passive way. So 5 days a week I'm in that atmosphere.

    Every time someone mentions dieting, or asks me about my diet, I get this tremendous, horrible, awful feeling of failure. Because I'm not losing weight. And any set back on any diet I'm doing and I'll binge.

    But ignore all that, here's the eating disorder part, over the last year or so I've started throwing up. It started as a once in a blue moon thing. I'd eat a huge amount and throw it up. Maybe once every two or three weeks. The more you throw up, the easier it gets. I started ordering takeaway and eating maybe three quarters of it, feeling sickly full, throw up, eat the last quarter.

    I'd start eating big meals with throwing it back up after in mind. It'd be okay once it was out of me. I'd drink it with loads of water so it'd come back up easier. Recently it's a desperation thing; I'll break from my diet out of upset because, well, as usual, it's not working. Eat maybe two meals at once. Throw them back up. If I go to a restaurant with friends I'll have to make sure I go to the bathroom by myself, restaurant portions are huge and I can't leave anything on the plate. It was still only once in a while but now it's every day, now it's when I'm not eating that much and if it's convenient I'll throw it back up.

    It's a kind of desperation. I need it out of me. Other people my weight don't look like me. They look slimmer, not blobby. I NEED to lose that last bit of weight.

    My parents suspected I had bulimia and for a little while I was scared of being caught, because I don't have it. Bulimic girls are skinny and make themselves throw up several times a day. They drink a gallon of water hours after they eat and jump up and down to get every last morsel out. But not one weekend after Mum comes out with "your dad thinks you have bulimia" she comes out with "you're going to gain weight if you eat like that." When I said she thought I was bulimic last week, she commented, "well you're gone too far the other way now."

    So I know there's something wrong with me, but even with no energy most of the time, no will to go out with friends because I'm constantly too tired and my skin is so bad it actually looks like a skin disease, and I don't really want to go anywhere anyway because no clothes look nice on me, and you can't get any clothes in a size 14 anyway in most cheapish boutiques...

    ... I can't even admit, in my own head, that all this is bad. I'm kind of ... detached, you know? Maybe because I'm not losing the weight.

    What can I do to cop the **** on?


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