worried about a friend

murphyzz

Hello all - I really need some help about a situation that has arisen with a close friend and any advice would be greatly appreciated...

He is a 26 year old straight guy, although he has never really been with a lot of women - I always thought this might be down to shyness/insecurity etc. A few friends and I would always joke that he might be gay because he had a tendency to be quite homophobic. A number of close friends have come out over the years and to some extent it was always somewhat expected - but this is one guy who I could never imagine to be anything other than straight.

Anyway, we've been sharing an apartment for the last 8 months or so. Recently, his laptop broke so he has been using mine. What he does not know is that I have spyware software installed which keeps a list of every webpage visited, even after the history has been cleared. It turns out that almost every chance he gets he has been looking at shemale/transvestite pornography. I'm a very open and liberal person, and have no problems with what anybody is in to, but what is most concerning for me is that he has left about 20 ads online, and has trawled hundreds of ads online to meet up with TVs for sex. He literally does this every single time he gets any free time to himself - and lately I have noticed he has seemingly been inventing excuses to get the place to himself. He has been doing this for at least the last 3 months.

I genuinely do not know how to approach this situation. I don't know whether this means he is gay, or whether he is actually straight and just looking to experiment. (I looked at some of the pornos he was looking at and all involved the guy being the 'bottom' with the TVs).

For this guy, I just don't believe coming out is an option in his head right now. He comes from an environment where I believe it would be just impossible for him to do so. He has worked in a pub for the last 4 years with a very 'macho' environment, I don't think his parents would react at all well to the news either. When I found out this info about him, the thing I was worried about most is that he might hurt himself if he knew I knew, which is obviously the last thing I want.

The question is - do we talk to him about this? I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be carrying around such a secret. I genuinely believe that his reaction if we brought it up to him (one other very close friend is aware of the situation) would be to get very angry, repeatedly deny everything, and then probably never talk to either of us again. As I said, maybe even hurt himself (that's my biggest concern in all this). Then again, maybe it would do him the world of good to get it all off his chest to 2 people who he can hopefully trust. What really is getting to me is that he is constantly lying to me. It's gotten to the stage where I can barely look him in the eye anymore.

Having done a bit of research, I think that he is actually gay, but he cannot come to terms with this and is using TVs to try and convince himself in his own head that he is straight.

I'm not sure what else, to say - and this really isn't my area of expertise(!) but and advice anybody can give me would really really be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

-Murph

chicken fingers

Why is it so important, maybe its best to just let it go until he comes out himself.
And dont forget to disinfect the keyboard and trackpad after he uses it to look at porn!

Corkblowin

Exactly. If he's not ready in his own head to admit ti it, finding out that somebody knows could send him into a complete tailspin. Just keep quiet and at least now when/if it does emerge you've already come to terms with it yourself and can offer all the support he needs then.

desertcircus

It's not your business until he says something to you about it. I know that sounds harsh, but if he's trying to figure out his sexuality then one of the psychological supports he has may well be the fact that he's keeping it completely private. The best thing you can do is say nothing for the moment. If he talks to you about it, then be as supportive as possible, but until then don't say anything about it.

silly

I agree with the others, it's none of your business what he is into...
I don't think having a fetish is going to make him want to harm himself.
And you told someone else!!? That was really not a cool thing to do.

sam34

so you find out some intensely personal information about your friend, which he has never discussed with anyone, and which is none of your business, and instead of respecting his privacy you go off and blab to someone else, seemingly in an attempt to sate your own curiosity about his sexual orientation? not the actions of a friend and certainly not the actions of someone who claims to be trustworthy.

this is none of your business.

leave the guy alone.

WANTStoWORK

I am laughing my ass off at your post, you say that you are open minded but yet you are labeling this guy as doing somthing that is wrong, can I ask why you decided to look at the porn in detail that your friend was looking at? like a lot of other posts said in here, it is none of your business, yes it is your laptop he borrowed etc, but to check what web sites he visited was a bit low,