Life feels too hard to get throught for me

LegacyUser

Hi im an almost 32 year old woman, I have no friends, not much of family at all, boyfriend, no children, no job and im on welfare renting in a little bedsit. It's getting increasingly hard to live. I am very lonely and isolated. I don't know if i will ever meet anyone or ever be able to have a child. The only thing I have i got that I am going to college this year but I don't know how i am going to stay there for three years.

I am not that independent but I feel like I have to be an island to get by because I have no one not ever anyone to talk to. Anywhere I go like the park especially, it makes me extra lonely and depressed seeing all the people with families and children.

I don't know how my life got like this. If I knew when I was younger that, I would be alone when I will be 35 I would rather of be dead than live a life without the few things I really want in life. I don't know anymore what is the point to my life when its going to endless loneiness and isolation. I am not depressed I am coping as I can. I think if many people were in my situation and circumstances they would'nt have lasted as long as I have.

Is there anyone in my situation or other women in my situation. I would appreciate if you can share your thoughts and experience of how you are coping.. Thank you.

gugleguy

and best wishes. It might be worth seeing if there is counselling service available at the college too.;)

greengiant09

okay, first things first, you honestly sound like a reasonable and decent person....and someone who should be able to live a happy life.

whilst my life is okay now, that was not always the case. i remember a point in my life when my life was so bleak, had no friends, no confidence and i honestly believed that my future would continue to be just as bad. i actually thought there was something mentally wrong with me.....the fact that i just didn't seem to fit in like everyone else.

one ray of hope kept me going and that was the fact that at an earlier stage in my life, i was able to do all the things i couldn't do....so my reasoning was if i could do it before, surely i can do it again!

lucky i kept hold to that belief because i managed to turn my life around. it took time but it was worth it.

i think you need to take a good look at your life....which you are doing now. you got to think about what things are you doing now which are causing you to be so isolated. then you need to start thinking of new things you can do to improve your life.

for example, if you stay in your bedsit and walk to the park on your own and keep doing this....then yes, you will most likely continue to be isolated as you are now. same actions, same results.....different actions, different results......keep trying new things till you get the winning formula. make a plan....whats your overall goal, how are you going to achieve it, etc.

maybe try copying or modeling people you know or know of who have the the qualities or things you wish for.....it's not rocket science.....popular people do certain things which make them popular......same with isolated people....

i could go on for ages with advice.....all of which i learned from self-help books, etc.....there's some really good stuff out there. you could see a counsellor...i'm sure there's some low cost ones if you look hard enough....the main thing is that you need to take action to turn your life around.

it might seem strange now but it's a really good thing that you are hungier to change your life because this frustation and anger will provide the energy for you to turn your life around. get angry with yourself....tell yourself this is an acceptable way to live and that your going to do whatever it takes to turn it around!

my final words are if i can turn my life around, so can anyone else....i'm just an average guy....nothing special about me.

LegacyUser

gugleguy wrote: »

and best wishes. It might be worth seeing if there is counselling service available at the college too.;)

Thank you for replying. I don't know what things are in the college. Counsellor or no counsellor, most people wouldn't understand how it is for me not many in are my situation to know how its like. Anyway I am not depressed it's just the circumstances of my situation that I finding it very hard to cope with much longer.

Thank you for wishing me well on the course.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Thank you for replying. Well i am going to hang on in there, going to college is something anyway. It makes me depressed though when how a people are talking away about their lifes and families and they ask me what my plans are for easter, weekends etc, I don't have anything to say. I hope there is one or two people like me there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. Hopfully i will make few friends.

LegacyUser

greengiant09 wrote: »

okay, first things first, you honestly sound like a reasonable and decent person....and someone who should be able to live a happy life.

whilst my life is okay now, that was not always the case. i remember a point in my life when my life was so bleak, had no friends, no confidence and i honestly believed that my future would continue to be just as bad. i actually thought there was something mentally wrong with me.....the fact that i just didn't seem to fit in like everyone else.

one ray of hope kept me going and that was the fact that at an earlier stage in my life, i was able to do all the things i couldn't do....so my reasoning was if i could do it before, surely i can do it again!

lucky i kept hold to that belief because i managed to turn my life around. it took time but it was worth it.

i think you need to take a good look at your life....which you are doing now. you got to think about what things are you doing now which are causing you to be so isolated. then you need to start thinking of new things you can do to improve your life.

for example, if you stay in your bedsit and walk to the park on your own and keep doing this....then yes, you will most likely continue to be isolated as you are now. same actions, same results.....different actions, different results......keep trying new things till you get the winning formula. make a plan....whats your overall goal, how are you going to achieve it, etc.

maybe try copying or modeling people you know or know of who have the the qualities or things you wish for.....it's not rocket science.....popular people do certain things which make them popular......same with isolated people....

i could go on for ages with advice.....all of which i learned from self-help books, etc.....there's some really good stuff out there. you could see a counsellor...i'm sure there's some low cost ones if you look hard enough....the main thing is that you need to take action to turn your life around.

it might seem strange now but it's a really good thing that you are hungier to change your life because this frustation and anger will provide the energy for you to turn your life around. get angry with yourself....tell yourself this is an acceptable way to live and that your going to do whatever it takes to turn it around!

my final words are if i can turn my life around, so can anyone else....i'm just an average guy....nothing special about me.

Thank you very much for replying. What you said is very useful. You are a good example of coming through things. I hope many more blessing come to you. Well i know going to college is something anyway.

I just have to keep positive and focus on the things i want in life, i know that is easier said than done but everything will get worse if i do nothing so i just just think what do i want and hope for it. its a leap of faith with everything.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Its very good.

miec

most people wouldn't understand how it is for me not many in are my situation to know how its like

Hi Op

You know I believe there are a lot more people suffering similar to you. I know I am somewhat in a similar situation to you, it is different but the same. I live alone although I am lucky to have a child but he is a teenager so he is out a lot with his friends, sleepovers etc, I am delighted for him and that is the way it should be. For me personally I have no family, long story and pretty depressing so won't go there, I was living with a man, we broke up last summer, I moved to where he lived / work so I didn't know anyone. I am grateful that I have a job but it is a two person organisation (me being one of them) so no chance of meeting / talking much there. I spend a lot of time alone. I have acquaintances, people I talk with on a surface level, I am deeply grateful for those chats but yes I feel very, very lonely but if you were to ask those acquaintances does she (me) seem lonely or down to you and they would most likely say no. See I hide it, I believe most of us do. Over Christmas I didn't talk to an adult for six days, truth is it was ****ing ****ty and horrible since then I have realised I have to do more. So I joined and attended various things, I go alone with my heart thumping but I do it all the same, and slowly, ever so slowly I am building in confidence, the acquaintances are becoming friends, it is tiny steps but it is good. I can only say to you is that to start joining stuff, people won't come to you, you have to go out there and get it, and yes it is scary but it is also worth it.

LegacyUser

miec wrote: »

Hi Op

You know I believe there are a lot more people suffering similar to you. I know I am somewhat in a similar situation to you, it is different but the same. I live alone although I am lucky to have a child but he is a teenager so he is out a lot with his friends, sleepovers etc, I am delighted for him and that is the way it should be. For me personally I have no family, long story and pretty depressing so won't go there, I was living with a man, we broke up last summer, I moved to where he lived / work so I didn't know anyone. I am grateful that I have a job but it is a two person organisation (me being one of them) so no chance of meeting / talking much there. I spend a lot of time alone. I have acquaintances, people I talk with on a surface level, I am deeply grateful for those chats but yes I feel very, very lonely but if you were to ask those acquaintances does she (me) seem lonely or down to you and they would most likely say no. See I hide it, I believe most of us do. Over Christmas I didn't talk to an adult for six days, truth is it was ****ing ****ty and horrible since then I have realised I have to do more. So I joined and attended various things, I go alone with my heart thumping but I do it all the same, and slowly, ever so slowly I am building in confidence, the acquaintances are becoming friends, it is tiny steps but it is good. I can only say to you is that to start joining stuff, people won't come to you, you have to go out there and get it, and yes it is scary but it is also worth it.

Thank you for replying to me and for sharing that with me. It gives me some hope and that there is people here who experience loniness of this kind. I am sorry you are feeling lonely, its good you are doing what you can to overcome it. You are strong by overcoming things by being strong and finding the strenght within yourself even though you feel exhausted by life you find the strenght somewhere, I just need to follow that. I feel being strong is the only option there is in a situation like this and for many situations is to just bite the bullet and feel the fear. I know it is a lot easier to say than do.


Your efforts will pay off because you are making changes. I hope your situation improves. I wear a mask too, to hide my loniness. As a way to cope, I try not let myself feel sad or feel much and because of this it has resulted depression and apthy and sometimes anger.

I am going to try to join one or two new things, It's the only way to help myself socially and emotionally is to make an effort. I hope everything for well for you, you meet some good friends and some good guy you love and who loves you. I hope everything goes good for you. Thank you very much your story does give me some motivation and hope. All the best with everything.

jam_mac_jam

People find themselves lonely through no fault of their own, please dont take it personally. Try and be friendly towards people in college its a great way of meeting people. Are there people you can re connect with family or aquantances that you get on well with. You just need to find ways to be around people more and they will naturaly get to like you. I am very sad hearing your story and i went through a similar thing myself, you sound a little depressed maybe it would be good to see if there is any counseling available, you just sound down in yourself.

AngryBadger

Hi OP,

I'm sure most of this has been said already, but your situation is so close to my own I felt compelled to post. Granted I'm not a woman but try not to hold that against me

I turned 30 recently, and honestly in the weeks coming up to it, I'd been feelin like utter crap. Briefly, I spent last year out of work, (like many people), I was fortunate enough to land a job, and in bray upped sticks and relocated to bray.

Anyway, my point was not to start rambling about myself My point was that life is the biggest conundrum you'll ever encounter. I can't remember a time in my life when I haven't been obsessing about "The next big thing!", be it college, work, a girlfriend, or whatever. The irony is that I was the kind of guy people assumed had it more or less sussed. And for the most part I've been so miserable in my life it's been laughable.

My point; the fact that you're starting a course shows that you're out there, and you're doing what you can to try and progress your prospects as an employee. And that's hard to do, because usually when we go to college we're still teens, college is this magical place of wonderment and experimentation (and rag week), then we graduate and head out into the world and we assume that such mischief and follishness is behind us.

But it's never really behind us, and what's worse is that in college the foolishness is all part of socialising, as we get older we feel it should be supplanted by some more mature, but we have no idea what that is.

What I'm driving at is that you are in a difficult situation, and going back to college is actually the harder solution.

Everyone else who's replied has given excellent advice. My only point is that you should give yourself a break. If you're lucky enough to have people you can turn to for help then you should do so when you need it, and you should do it without shame.

You'll most likely live to be a hundred OP, now is the time to learn not to punish yourself for the things you can't control.

Best of luck! And my apologies if this has been too rambling to be of any real help, I do try, but I'm easily distracted ;p

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm sure most of this has been said already, but your situation is so close to my own I felt compelled to post. Granted I'm not a woman but try not to hold that against me

I turned 30 recently, and honestly in the weeks coming up to it, I'd been feelin like utter crap. Briefly, I spent last year out of work, (like many people), I was fortunate enough to land a job, and in bray upped sticks and relocated to bray.

Anyway, my point was not to start rambling about myself My point was that life is the biggest conundrum you'll ever encounter. I can't remember a time in my life when I haven't been obsessing about "The next big thing!", be it college, work, a girlfriend, or whatever. The irony is that I was the kind of guy people assumed had it more or less sussed. And for the most part I've been so miserable in my life it's been laughable.

My point; the fact that you're starting a course shows that you're out there, and you're doing what you can to try and progress your prospects as an employee. And that's hard to do, because usually when we go to college we're still teens, college is this magical place of wonderment and experimentation (and rag week), then we graduate and head out into the world and we assume that such mischief and follishness is behind us.

But it's never really behind us, and what's worse is that in college the foolishness is all part of socialising, as we get older we feel it should be supplanted by some more mature, but we have no idea what that is.

What I'm driving at is that you are in a difficult situation, and going back to college is actually the harder solution.

Everyone else who's replied has given excellent advice. My only point is that you should give yourself a break. If you're lucky enough to have people you can turn to for help then you should do so when you need it, and you should do it without shame.

You'll most likely live to be a hundred OP, now is the time to learn not to punish yourself for the things you can't control.

Best of luck! And my apologies if this has been too rambling to be of any real help, I do try, but I'm easily distracted ;p

Thank you very much for replying. You said a lot of useful things. I am trying to look forward to college. I hope there are some people in a similar situation to me but I am not expecting them to be. Most people my age have got their own life's as in family or boyfriend or someone. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope everything goes good for you.

LegacyUser

I don't know why most people ignored my post. well just proves that my point that is kind of true that no one understands.

Oryx

alone_bymyself79 wrote: »

I don't know why most people ignored my post. well just proves that my point that is kind of true that no one understands.

People did reply to your post. And did try to understand. But essentially, the only person who can solve your issue, is you. You will be heading to college, and hopefully things will change for you. Instead of looking at the 3 years as a difficulty or thinking that you wont have much in common with those there, try to just go with the flow and dont prejudge what will happen.

dellas1979

Oh gosh - life can be so hard.

I think everyone on this planet will at some stage go through dark times.

So when you are looking at everyone who seems to be having a great time and this and that and the other, try and remember that.

The good times are great, and the bad times are very bad. We only are involved in, and feel our own pain. That is what makes us individuals.

But you never know what is around the corner, if you put yourself out there.

Have you ever thought of living with other people if you feel isolated? Do you live in a town or city?

LegacyUser

You would be surprised how many people are lonely I experience it intermittently and it is such a horrible feeling.

Going to college is the best thing that can happen to you now. If nothing else, it will get you out of that little bedsit and into situations where you will have to speak to other people. The more you hide yourself away and don't speak to people, the rustier your social skills become and the lonelier you'll feel.

Going to college will get you out of your comfort zone and give your life some focus. It will also be a great way to meet people. For starters, when a course begins everyone is desperately trying to make friends so if you chat to people, you're almost guaranteed that they'll be really nice back to you. I'd also suggest you get involved in some of the societies, especially ones which look like they'll be organising activities or doing stuff.

I do think it would do good to talk to a counsellor. There will be one in your college - keep an eye on the notice boards or talk to the chaplain. I've been for counselling at times and it helped so much. It really is worth talking to someone who knows nothing about you, who can give you impartial advice and can let you see things from a different perspective.

thefeatheredcat

alone_bymyself79 wrote: »

I don't know why most people ignored my post. well just proves that my point that is kind of true that no one understands.

I wouldn't say that nobody understands... perhaps it is just too close to the bone? It was a bit for me tbh...

You'd be surprised how many people feel this way. you can have the friends, partner, spouse, kids and still be lonely because of a lack of connection. The friends we choose may just be a gathering of contacts of people that in reality there is little substance behind it, or indeed could be the opposite. Loneliness can be in different forms, even the most social of people with the most contacts can be lonely too. Regardless of anything, loneliness is difficult to deal with even if one is reluctant to admit it. But it is hard when you are pretty much on your own without connections to people, even for a chat. The staff in my local shop were great for even the smallest of chat during a very isolating depression. It slowly pulled me out of it and gained me confidence.

I've felt incredible loneliness that I've had to go back to the family home for a while and just be with my family in order to rebuild my strength and confidence, just to feel less lonely because I actually wasn't coping with it as best as I should have done, but also to feel more secure in myself to cope with loneliness better and to evolve beyond that state. I think the worst thing I faced was always that horrible question of "what are you doing for the weekend/days off/holiday/bank holiday weekend?" especially from people I knew in relationships or active social lives, and then feel that bit crap when their arrangements were all about with their friends/bf/gf/spouse/kids.... I'd clam up then, too embarrassed to mention I'd nothing planned and nobody to spend the time with anyway.

So what can you do? well you came across to me as very kind with responding with kindness to those who answered, so there's a suggestion in your empathy towards those here, you can reach out to others in that situation.

The key really is to be brutally honest with yourself about how you feel about your situation and start taking steps to change it by finding realistic solutions where actions can be put in place.

You may not have what you want right now to make you feel less lonely but that doesn't mean that you can't lay down the foundations to a better life for yourself. A positive outlook is so important, so do things that make you happy. That and happiness won't take away the loneliness but it will pave the way forward to giving you the optimism, the strength and the confidence to just take the bull by the horns when opportunities come your way. I do think that whole positivity attracts positivity rings true by my own experience. A smile can attract more things than you think!

I focus on the little things that make me happy... Like nature, for example, it's incredibly amazing just to take some time in the day and just watch nature happen.. and it makes me happy because it's calming and relaxing for me, but also you get a chance to look a little closer into a world that can be taken for granted but often I find, leaves me humble by some of the experiences I've had around nature.

You do have a fantastic opportunity with starting college to meet new people and to let your personality shine through. And even between now and then, you can do that by going out there with a positive feeling inside of yourself, confident that you are going to change the way things are for yourself and just interact with people on a daily basis, or get involved with things. So you can look to fulfilling aspects of yourself and your life and accomplishing things for yourself that will give you confidence and make you happy.

You can change your life around, it may not happen over night, but it will happen if you seek to fulfil your life and take up new opportunities as you come across them.

I don't know if that really helps or not or if I've rambled a bit too much. But bottom line is that you may not be able to banish the loneliness overnight, but you're also not alone in what you feel, and most will understand and know what you mean and be able to relate.

Just one thing: don't be too hard on yourself, or beat yourself up about it all, because you do have much to look forward to in the coming future and well, you've already started the ball rolling in making a change for yourself. The rest, will happen as it happens, just believe that it will.

I am a friend

OP, have you cosnidered getting a dog.. It would be great company and as you already enjoy walking & going to the park it would be great company for you.

Pets are also a great way to get chatting to other people...

pragmatic1

College is great OP, you'll make plenty of friends in no time. And chin up you're only 32.